My boyfriend's family is VERY racist

[isawstars]

We've been friends for 3 or 4 months... a couple for 1 month. His dad completely flipped out on him today about me being black. My bf won't tell me what all he said. All he would tell me was his dad said, "If you have a black baby, I will not acknowledge you as a part of this family" and how hurt he was. Granted, he has never gotten along with his dad... He makes a good point when he tells me although his dad is very ignorant... he's the only dad he has.

I asked him if he wants to stop dating me and he said he doesn't want to break up with me. He thinks I'm amazing and doesn't want to lose me. But I told him that he can't keep stringing me on if this is simply going to end because I already have strong feelings for him.

He couldn't even tell me if he forsees a break up in the future. He kept saying he needs this to sink in, he needs to think about everything... it only happened 5 hours ago. He then admitted this is why he never took me to his parents' house. He knew they were racist but he had no idea his dad would explode on him like that.

I am almost in tears. I've dated white guys my entire life and I've never experienced this. I feel like I'm in the script of a low-budget movie.

We didn't hang out long tonight....he promised he'd call me tomorrow after I got off work.

 

[TayMac]

((HUGS)) I'm sorry as that sounds very upsetting. I wish I had some advice but I'm not experienced in IRR/dating. If he is not going to stand up for you..that's a sign to me.

 

[janaq2003]

that a shame , so ignorant.

 

[brownelovely]

((HUGS)) I'm sorry as that sounds very upsetting. I wish I had some advice but I'm not experienced in IRR/dating. If he is not going to stand up for you..that's a sign to me.

I have to agree with this but maybe he didn't realize the reaction would be this strong so I'd still give it some time to sink in. You guys definitely need to talk though.

 

[MDreamz]

Oh man, that's not fair. If the two of you found love, race shouldn't matter. I wish this racist crap would just die already. But you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I pray that it doesn't ruin your relationship. Lord, please let love conquer all.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Sorry your going through this.

Ignorant people make me sick

 

[Monigirl]

My husband's grandfather raised him and his granddad was a very racist man. His granddad didn't even talk to the black members of the family or his mixed grand children. (Lots of salt& pepper relationship in his family before I married him.) At family get togethers he'd just sit far off but he still would attend when he was alive. On his death bed he made a comment about how happy he was for my husband finding me but couldn't admit that to me. Because some of his family was racist it didn't effect our love for one another.

Race issue didn't effect our dating relationship or marriage. If ya'll trully love one another things like that will not matter but only make your relationship stronger.

Don't worry and just pray about it if you trully love and want to be with this man. Ignore the ugly.

I met my husband in the military. We got married in Germany and none of his family or mine got to make the wedding. I have been happily married for 7 years now and I have never met my husbands biological father. And I have only met his biological mother twice. We like keeping our distance from his parents or ignorant people in his family. That didn't matter to me or my husband having those people in our lives. They don't pay our bills, feed us, give us love or etc...they don't matter b/c they don't make us happy. We make one another happy and that is all that matters.

 

[Blyss_curls]

I married my bf w/the racist father. BUT his racist father was dead. Unfortunately, that did not mean that all racism, intolerance and negativity was non-existent among his family.

--All the first gifts from mil had a black theme. erplexed
--Had to hear comments about how the fil wouldn't have liked me, initally...but once he got to know me, he would have....

Um...newsflash people. That is not a compliment, kindly stop telling me that.

These days, we deal w/little to no negativity--as he severed ties w/them.
Not entirely because of their racial issues, but that definitely seems to have played a part in his decision.

I wish I could offer some advice.
Unfortunately, I can't as only you know what you are (or aren't) willing to put up with.

To be honest w/you, had my dh's father still been alive, I'm not sure I would have pursued a relationship w/him. Apparently the man was very obtrusive, w/major boundary issues, and not above embarassing his adult children or trying to control them. I would NOT have been having some of the shenanigans he's pulled on dh's sibs, when they were dating their gf's (now wives). No sir.


Wishing you the best, and keep us posted on how it goes. Feel free to pm, if you'd like to.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

My husband's grandfather raised him and his granddad was a very racist man. His granddad didn't even talk to the black members of the family or his mixed grand children. (Lots of salt& pepper relationship in his family before I married him.) At family get togethers he'd just sit far off but he still would attend when he was alive. On his death bed he made a comment about how happy he was for my husband finding me but couldn't admit that to me.

Race issue didn't effect our dating relationship or marriage. If ya'll trully love one another things like that will not matter but only make your relationship stronger.

Don't worry and just pray about it if you trully love and want to be with this man.

I agree. Also, you'll need to be extra strong through this. Your BF may lose his father, at least for a while, if you two decide to make a go of this. You've only been together for a month so this may take a while.

Stay strong sister!

 

[Whimsy]

I don't think I'd be able to be with my FI if that happened a month into our relationship.
Especially with how the conversation was left.

But that's just me.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out how you want it

((HUGGGG))

 

[Blyss_curls]

My husband's grandfather raised him and his granddad was a very racist man. His granddad didn't even talk to the black members of the family or his mixed grand children. (Lots of salt& pepper relationship in his family before I married him.) At family get togethers he'd just sit far off but he still would attend when he was alive. On his death bed he made a comment about how happy he was for my husband finding me but couldn't admit that to me.

Race issue didn't effect our dating relationship or marriage. If ya'll trully love one another things like that will not matter but only make your relationship stronger.

Don't worry and just pray about it if you trully love and want to be with this man.

You have such a beautiful family (love the picture)!

 

[frida1980]

This really takes me back...

Had a BF that said that his family had problems with IR. He loved me, but he never could come to terms with his family. In the end, we just couldn't work past it.

This is the mark of the relationship. The hardest part and the truest test of any IR. No matter what choice he makes, it's going to affect him greatly. He either has to convince his family to accept you and his choice, or he can choose to please them by breaking up with you or keeping your relationship secret. If he decides to hide you, it is going to hurt for a very long time. I wish I could tell you what to do, but...

In the end, it's not up to you. He has to stand up to his family on his own. It may come down to a choice. Just know being the secret black GF is not a good option.

 

[january noir]

OP, how old are you and your SO? I'm just curious.

Some whites and some blacks are very much against "mixing" even after all these years. Nothing you can do about it. It has nothing to do with how wonderful you are. Trust me, I've been there.

Everyone's situation is different. I know you are looking for advice but the best thing I can tell you is to take each day at a time. Don't try to force yourself or your SO to make any ultimatums or promises to each other that you might not be able to keep.

Talk to your new love and decide, together, how to handle this in the short term; consider telling him to keep the details of his relationship with you private until HE is ready to make the ultimate commitment, which may include, but I hope not, turning his back against his father's ignorance and doing what's best for him and you.

Spend time together when you can and let nature take it's course. Just know that if you both feel the same way about each other, it will be a difficult road ahead; there will be tears, but in time you'll both be strong in the face of his father's ignorance together.

You're not the first interracial couple to have this happen and you won't be the last.

Best of luck to you and keep your head up. Try hard not to let this get you down. If this relationship was meant to be, it will be.

 

[january noir]

My husband's grandfather raised him and his granddad was a very racist man. His granddad didn't even talk to the black members of the family or his mixed grand children. (Lots of salt& pepper relationship in his family before I married him.) At family get togethers he'd just sit far off but he still would attend when he was alive. On his death bed he made a comment about how happy he was for my husband finding me but couldn't admit that to me. Because some of his family was racist it didn't effect our love for one another.

Race issue didn't effect our dating relationship or marriage. If ya'll trully love one another things like that will not matter but only make your relationship stronger.

Don't worry and just pray about it if you trully love and want to be with this man. Ignore the ugly.

OT: Monigirl you are just so pretty Your family is beautiful too.

And good advice to the OP!

 

[isawstars]

Thanks for all the advice so far... I'm having trouble sleeping tonight... so I'm checking my phone and your advice makes me feel better. I wonder if he is able to sleep on this tonight bc I'm tempted to call him and discuss the things you all shared...but I'll wait til tomorrow.

I am terrified of being heartbroken again but I am willing to take each day at a time...but I scared to go to his house now that his neighbors told his dad what kind of car I drive. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like it's too soon in our relationship for him to have to choose me over his father's wishes. His mom wasn't home when my bf's dad confronted him about me...so I don't know if her emotions are just as strong.

Oh and to answer someone's question... I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

OP - I was in a very similar position a number of years ago. It did not end well for me, unfortunately. We found out about 2 months into our relationship that his dad felt this way. But we continued to date for over a year. Finally, his father caused enough hell in the family that it caused his mother to have a nervous breakdown - she was accustomed to having a close family and seeing him and his father going at each other was tearing her apart. So, rather than cause strife in the family, he broke up with me.

It has taken me a looooooong time to get over that. I mean, a man tells you that you are utterly and completely everything he's ever wanted in a woman, and he dumps you?
*Sigh...*

You have to understand that there is a chance that he will choose his family over you. But if he does, then he is not the right one for you anyway. Nor is he a man who can truly stand his own ground when it comes to his values and what he wants in life. You deserve someone strong enough to be with you, just like I did (and still do).

But I agree with other posters - don't freak out just yet. This JUST happened. He needs time to mull it over. Please DO NOT call him and press the issue. Give him his space.

 

[princessnad]

I would break it off if I was in that situation. I can't deal with an SO not being sure of the relationship especially if there are family issues. There are enough men out there that I don't think I can put up with the possibility of dealing with a racist future family.

 

[JollyGal]

Isawstars

*hugs*

The ladies in this thread have given you sound advice.

I have been in a similar situation only problem is, I never got to meet his family so I dumped him anyway. He was not right for me. Family is very important to me.

Whatever you do, do not call him. Let your b/f think these other.

Communication is key in a situation like this. Yes, there is a possibility that he will choose his family over you, not matter what words he tells you. There is also a possibility that he will turn away from his family for you.

don't stress yourself out or think that there is anything wrong with you. His family have the issues not you.

Stay positive

 

[january noir]

Thanks for all the advice so far... I'm having trouble sleeping tonight... so I'm checking my phone and your advice makes me feel better. I wonder if he is able to sleep on this tonight bc I'm tempted to call him and discuss the things you all shared...but I'll wait til tomorrow.

I am terrified of being heartbroken again but I am willing to take each day at a time...but I scared to go to his house now that his neighbors told his dad what kind of car I drive. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like it's too soon in our relationship for him to have to choose me over his father's wishes. His mom wasn't home when my bf's dad confronted him about me...so I don't know if her emotions are just as strong.

Oh and to answer someone's question... I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24.

Thanks Isawstars.

You are very young; you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. If this doesn't work out you'll have many more chances at love. I guarantee you, as you can tell by my siggy that I've been around for a while and know some things.

Whatever you do, don't go back to your boyfriend's home. No matter how wrong his father is, it's not a wise thing to do.

I don't know your living situation, but see each other at your house or someone else's if he lives at home (not sure if I read that or not).

Try to calm down. I think the shock of the first encounter with his father has taken it's emotional toll on you. Remember, this too, shall pass.

 

[isawstars]

Thanks Isawstars.

You are very young; you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. If this doesn't work out you'll have many more chances at love. I guarantee you, as you can tell by my siggy that I've been around for a while and know some things.

Whatever you do, don't go back to your boyfriend's home. No matter how wrong his father is, it's not a wise thing to do.

I don't know your living situation, but see each other at your house or someone else's if he lives at home (not sure if I read that or not).

Try to calm down. I think the shock of the first encounter with his father has taken it's emotional toll on you. Remember, this too, shall pass.

My boyfriend doesn't live with his father but he's renting a house down the street from his parents. And I actually have not met his parents. My boyfriend's next door neighbor saw me coming and going on a regular basis and asked his dad about me. My bf got in a fight with his dad while I was at work. Then he came over to my house afterwards and told me about it.

Even though I've never met his parents, do you think I shouldn't visit him at his house anymore? I am aware there is a possibility that my bf left information out for my sake, but reassured me that his father never threatened me. Everything ugly his dad said was directed towards him and not me.

 

[january noir]

My boyfriend doesn't live with his father but he's renting a house down the street from his parents. And I actually have not met his parents. My boyfriend's next door neighbor saw me coming and going on a regular basis and asked his dad about me. My bf got in a fight with his dad while I was at work. Then he came over to my house afterwards and told me about it.

Even though I've never met his parents, do you think I shouldn't visit him at his house anymore? I am aware there is a possibility that my bf left information out for my sake, but reassured me that his father never threatened me. Everything ugly his dad said was directed towards him and not me.

OK. Your boyfriend has his own home so that's not a problem unless your boyfriend says so, but if it were me, I wouldn't be such a frequent guest especially if the nosey neighbors are all up in the drama.

Now, if your boyfriend insists that you all continue doing what you're doing, then fine. If he's a stand up guy, he will learn to live with his father's racism but choose a different path and continue the relationship, but know it will be hard for him.

You will have to be patient and understanding, knowing that he may break off the relationship because of the pressure.

Would your boyfriend consider relocating to a different neighborhood so that you are not under so much scrutiny and pressure? I'm not telling you to run away from the situation, but it may make it a bit easier on the both of you.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I don't mean to be negative, but in my opinion you should move on before you get hurt. It is early enough now that you will feel a little hurt, but it won't be as devastating as what you could experience down the road if you keep dating him.

I obviously don't know him, but his reaction is a little suspect to me. Don't be surprised if you suddenly stop hearing from him. I don't know if he can handle the pressure and he may not want to admit that to you because he is afraid you might think he is racist.

I have never been one to think that people should date someone if the families have that kind of sentiment. I would not want to put myself through that. It is difficult enough dealing with the typical in-law issues, but to add racism on top is just too much.

 

[isawstars]

I don't mean to be negative, but in my opinion you should move on before you get hurt. It is early enough now that you will feel a little hurt, but it won't be as devastating as what you could experience down the road if you keep dating him.

I obviously don't know him, but his reaction is a little suspect to me. Don't be surprised if you suddenly stop hearing from him. I don't know if he can handle the pressure and he may not want to admit that to you because he is afraid you might think he is racist.

I have never been one to think that people should date someone if the families have that kind of sentiment. I would not want to put myself through that. It is difficult enough dealing with the typical in-law issues, but to add racism on top is just too much.

I know you aren't the only person who feels that way. I completely understand and that was actually my initial reaction. I wanted him to 'rip off the band aid' so it would be less painfu than waiting. But after sleeping on this and receiving advice, support, and hearing about other stories... as well as being reminded of stories of friends outside of lhcf... I decided that is not the route I choose to take.

I've always known he's had a bad relationship his parents. His mom is a drunk and his dad is an ***hole (or so I've been told). I've always known that. Prior to dating him, also knew that his parents have never liked any of his girlfriends--even in highschool. Of course he knew about his parents being racist but he chose to persue me which I think shows a lot about his character and his willingness to make this work.

I refuse to end this relationship solely on his parents ignorance. He is nothing like them and I don't want to be afraid of falling in love with him. I understand there is a high chance of this ending badly, but I'd rather have that than wondering if he and I actually have the strength the work things out. He's unlike any guy I've dated and I'm willing to put this in God's hands. I know if I was in his shoes I'd have just as hard of a time to explain what I'm feeling to him. I feel bad for pressuring him last night to answer my question regarding dating me.

There's no telling if I'll see him tonight, but I look forward to his phone call. I have a feeling we might try to just temporarily put this incident off... put it in the back of our minds. This is such heavy stuff. It definitely killed our excitement about this weekend... but every couple has a large issues to face, right? Maybe ours just came a lot sooner?

 

[january noir]

Please keep us posted Isawstars. As long as you have on your "big girl panties," and based on your post above, you do, you'll be fine.

 

[MissJ]

Mom is an alcoholic; dad is a racist. Do you really want to get into something like this? In all honesty, it doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

 

[TayMac]

Well OP..just tread with caution and guard your feelings as it sounds like you are already "falling" for him..make sure his commitment matches yours.

 

[yardyspice]

^^Take out the racism and it doesn't seem like you have the recipe for a successful relationship. I was very lucky to have genuine welcoming and loving in laws and so I didn't have the racism issue that you are dealing with. But my ex-husband's mother and aunt didn't like me and we were the same race. They made my life hell and I am glad I got the heck outa there. I advise you to do the same.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Mom is an alcoholic; dad is a racist. Do you really want to get into something like this? In all honesty, it doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

I agree. My black ex inlaws made life a living h**l and that was with no race problems involved. Add racists, drunks and bootyholes to the soup and you will really be in the middle of drama for a long time.

You should seriously think about it. This doesn't sound like the type of family that would be normal even if you were white. Being black just amplifies the situation.

If you must stay, I would watch how the BF handles it. If he doesn't start shutting things down on the other side, then I would peace out.

 

[Renewed1]

I read all the advice and I agree with some. IR relationships are challenging enough without the extra drama. My advice to you is to guard your heart. Don't quickly fall in love with him, until you are sure, that come HELL AND HIGH WATER.......he will protect YOU against any adversity.

No one can tell you if you should stay or go. It falls on you and how you feel about him, if you think he's worth the chance, just be careful.

 

[kayte]

Isawstars I was in the simliar position you were in....

very young... 21 and newly in love with the kindest sweetest and gorgeous-est
boy I'd ever known ..with head full of dark curls,a film student and actor who happened to be Jewish. Like you-we were also friends at first for 3 months and then it got serious!

His father when he found out was furious...the mother tended to go along with whatever the father did...but they eventually invited me to their home and I was so scared I begged off and it made things worse.the father totally over-reacted

my BF and I lived together...they knew it...but my bf continued to see both parents and live with me...eventually there was some kind of showdown with my BF storming out of his parents home and they were truly heartbroken....they loved their son...more than they hated me ...lolol
and they had to wise up.... either accept me or lose their kid....
they chose not to lose their son

you have to know my BF was the mildest peaceful human being in the world
hates confrontation...but this was a visceral bottom line
and he was not compromising on it
not from the beginning ...not ever

It has to be that way with your guy....

or I know some couples...the offending parent never knew
I would not be comfortable...but some do this
my asst's husband is black ...she's white..
her father NEVER knew and is now deceased
she said why upset him? everyone was okay with this

either way...he needs to be clearer...don't you think?
like Changed said...protective of you through all else. It's how I was able to deal
with my FIL...my BF was fiercely loyal-to me so the rest really did not matter

& that's not coming through..with this guy. he's defending his dad..being his dad

you are right ..it makes no sense to split over someone's evil stuff...but that is ONLY because BOTH of you are on board......If one person is ambivalent and is living practically in the racist party's front yard...and has not reassured you that you come first in..word,deed,and spirit...that's ominous

I know when you love someone or just discovered love
how scary it is to suddenly detach....but still... listen to your initial instincts
about letting go.....if it's too hard....at the very least re-assess the relationship and declare an open field..so you eventually see other people...