My Boyfriend Is Leaving--- Please Comment

[CurlyMoo]

Well, I actually met my BF on blackplanet. I was just on there for entertainment but if I did meet anyone I had already made up in my mind what I wanted, what I would not tolerate, and I did stuck to it. I had an age requirement of no older than 33 and if you were 34 well that was too bad. I did not entertain the bull like I had done in the past. The guy I met on there I found out actually worked in the same building as me for the same company. Our first meet up I met him at his church and we've been inseperable since then.

Its important to just be around some friends who care about you. Don't go out looking for anything. Everytime I went to a club and met a man I have found out that they only wasted my time. Just be patient though its not going to be easy but just be about you right now. I know it may feel like you aren't going to get over your ex but you will. Hang out with your friends and family. Let them know how you feel so they can support you. How long has it been since your relationship ended?

Thank you, your advice really helps. It's been 3 months since the break. With my work schedule I hardly see or speak to my friends except on facebook and occasional emails. I see my family all the time though. I tried to hang out with one of my girlfriends but an unforseen event took place so it didn't happen. I'm going to try harder because I have been missing them.

Sorry OP for the highjack. I feel your pain!

ETA: I went for a long walk a few days ago and ran into a guy whom I've worked with and actually like as a friend. He gave me his number and asked me to call him. I didn't call but I do want to hang out at a cafe with him just to talk and bask in the glow of male admiration. In fact there is another guy who keeps calling me, I might call him too. Just to boost my ego.

ETA (2): I'm really focused on spending less time on the internet as well, because my personal relationships are suffering. Much of my time on the internet was spent with my ex too.

 

[ajoke]

Big hug to both OP and Curly moo, and any one else going through this. All I can say is, " this too will pass"!

 

[lilsparkle825]

I agree with everything here. He is basically saying that he wants his freedom to do him while in Chicago and doesn't want to feel guilty while he's doing it so he now wants to just be friends. You said he's the one and you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with him but sorry to say he does not feel the same way about you. If he did being friends wouldn't even be an option and he would do any and everything in his power to make that "short" year work because no a year isn't that long at all. Op I know its going to be hard but listen to what he is saying and move on. I personally wouldn't be friends with him right away because its a slap in that face that you give someone a year of your life, fall in love and then just like that he wants to reduce you to just a friend.

I started to bold the part of this post I agree with, but I agree with the whole thing! Yes, yes, and yes!!!

OP, I know you may be hurting too much to really listen to what is being said, and that's fine....but I URGE you to bookmark this thread or copy the responses and put them in a folder or even print them out and make a binder. When you are ready, read it again AND APPLY IT. Good luck in your NEXT relationship with a NEW man.

^^ Well she said they were in love. I'm not giving any advice, because no matter what anyone tells her her heart will still love and want to wait for the man... I personally just love those song lyrics...

I didn't see where she said THEY were in love. She said SHE is in love. Two very different things, which he made crystal clear with his actions. If he loved her, she wouldn't be making this thread, because he would stay with her OR she would be making plans to move with him as his fiancee or wife. End of story.

Thank you, your advice really helps. It's been 3 months since the break. With my work schedule I hardly see or speak to my friends except on facebook and occasional emails. I see my family all the time though. I tried to hang out with one of my girlfriends but an unforseen event took place so it didn't happen. I'm going to try harder because I have been missing them.

Sorry OP for the highjack. I feel your pain!

ETA: I went for a long walk a few days ago and ran into a guy whom I've worked with and actually like as a friend. He gave me his number and asked me to call him. I didn't call but I do want to hang out at a cafe with him just to talk and bask in the glow of male admiration. In fact there is another guy who keeps calling me, I might call him too. Just to boost my ego.

ETA (2): I'm really focused on spending less time on the internet as well, because my personal relationships are suffering. Much of my time on the internet was spent with my ex too.

Aw honey, bask in the admiration, if you need to. Sometimes after breakups, we can be so caught up in the sadness and hurt that we neglect ourselves, when what we need the most is to become selfish for a little bit and FOCUS on ourselves. Have fun! (Be careful/safe, but have fun!)

OP, the same goes for you.....take some time for yourself and let someone pamper you. Whether it's a pedicure, a new outfit, or a massage....you deserve it. You will feel so much better and exude a confidence that will most certainly attract someone WORTHY of your love and attention.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

Here's an update. Please don't judge me. But after thinking it over for myself; I realize I can't force him to be around. If it's meant to be, it will be. God knows what's best for me. What God has for me it is for me. We talked about the distance issue. Since I only have class Mondays and Wednesday and I'm not working, I will visit him often and he's going to come back home and see me when he visit his kids. We decided to be friends. I know a lot of you didn't agree with that. I feel like I'll be able to handle that. He's my best friend. We have so much in common. We both love sports, wrestling, etc. So we'll have plenty of platonic conversations. He said if I'm available he'll pick things up when we get back. He's leaving it up to me. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore guys that may come in my life. But I refuse to go around looking for a man to fill the empty void. Also we talked about the phone situation. He thinks I'm hindering him from being a man. I agree. I do too much for him. He wants to start doing things on his own. He feels like if we end things, he will have nothing. Which is true. I did a lot for him. So I can understand why he does not want to start another billing cycle.

I figure I can give these a try for a few months. What's the worst that can happen? I end up with another broken heart? Well that's life. Everything happens for a reason. So. *sigh* there's an update for ya!

 

[BillsBackerz67]

All the advice here is on point. I made a similar thread about my SO and I last year. But what made our situation different was that my SO wanted me to come with. I wasnt even thinking along those lines and he would have been well over 1,000 miles away. He didnt end up taking the job but I guess that situation let me know what his intentions were with us.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

I can't go. I have school. This is my last year

 

[KoriKiyomi]

And he needs to go. Our job market is horrible and he has kids to support. They come first

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I couldnt go right away either I just graduated and started a new job. It would have been 6 months to a year until I was able to leave. Either way if your SO wanted to make things work he would Good Luck.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

After last night, I felt like he's trying, so we'll see. And thanks

 

[hopeful]

I think you are making a mistake but it's your choice. I would not visit my ex-boyfriend turned back to just a friend often. And he'll see you when he visits the kids, in other words he will try to squeeze you in. I think you are selling yourself short. I'd use those free weekends studying, hanging out with friends, and meeting new people but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I think he's already broken your heart and now you are going to give him the opportunity to crush it. It sounds like you love him more than you love yourself. That makes me sad.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

I respect your opinion, however I respectful disagree. I normally wouldnt befriend an ex, I don't want to sound cliche and say "this is different" but I do think so. It's just hard to explain. I must follow my heart

 

[hopeful]

Good luck. I hope things turn out how you hope they will.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

Thanks and if they don't, I'll always remember that you were right and I should have listened.

 

[MissMasala5]

Here's an update. Please don't judge me. But after thinking it over for myself; I realize I can't force him to be around. If it's meant to be, it will be. God knows what's best for me. What God has for me it is for me. We talked about the distance issue. Since I only have class Mondays and Wednesday and I'm not working, I will visit him often and he's going to come back home and see me when he visit his kids. We decided to be friends. I know a lot of you didn't agree with that. I feel like I'll be able to handle that. He's my best friend. We have so much in common. We both love sports, wrestling, etc. So we'll have plenty of platonic conversations. He said if I'm available he'll pick things up when we get back. He's leaving it up to me. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore guys that may come in my life. But I refuse to go around looking for a man to fill the empty void. Also we talked about the phone situation. He thinks I'm hindering him from being a man. I agree. I do too much for him. He wants to start doing things on his own. He feels like if we end things, he will have nothing. Which is true. I did a lot for him. So I can understand why he does not want to start another billing cycle.

I figure I can give these a try for a few months. What's the worst that can happen? I end up with another broken heart? Well that's life. Everything happens for a reason. So. *sigh* there's an update for ya!

You say everything happens for a reason, right? If you truly believed this then you would let him go like he wanted you to from the start, and let him be that man he wants to be without help from you. Trying to stay friends with him seems more like a way of keeping tabs under the guise of friendship. But, if this is what you BOTH want, then good luck going forward.

 

[KoriKiyomi]

I am. I'm letting go of the relationship. I don't think anyone's going to be keeping tabs on each other. But I never thought of it like that. Hmmmmmmm

 

[MissMasala5]

I am. I'm letting go of the relationship. I don't think anyone's going to be keeping tabs on each other. But I never thought of it like that. Hmmmmmmm

It's hard not to. At least, not to want to after a breakup. The temptation is hard to resist but for those who give in, it never bodes well for them and there is regret. The best way is to give yourself time to heal and get back on track with your life-- exciting possibilities and new friends are waiting for you. Next thing you know, this guy will be ready to come back in but you'll be in love with someone new. It always seems to work that way

 

[hopeful]

Thanks and if they don't, I'll always remember that you were right and I should have listened.

I hope I'm wrong.

 

[MzLady78]

I think you are making a mistake but it's your choice. I would not visit my ex-boyfriend turned back to just a friend often. And he'll see you when he visits the kids, in other words he will try to squeeze you in. I think you are selling yourself short. I'd use those free weekends studying, hanging out with friends, and meeting new people but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I think he's already broken your heart and now you are going to give him the opportunity to crush it. It sounds like you love him more than you love yourself. That makes me sad.

I agree. Trying to be friends with someone you're in love with is damn near impossible. And you said you could spend the rest of your life with this guy? So are you ready to hear about any other girls he might meet while he's in Chicago? Cuz that's what friends do, keep each other up to date on what's going on with each other lives. And how much time do you really think you're gonna get with him when he's in town to see his kids? Not to mention the fact that if he's gonna be coming to town "often" to visit his kids, why did y'all need to end the relationship in the first place?

But you seem to have your mind made up so best of luck to you.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Sweetie, he already stuck the knife in your heart and you're falling on it harder trying to grasp and hold onto any semblance of what you had. Don't lie to yourself. If you really wanted to heal, you'd even for a month, two months, even THREE separate and get yourself together emotionally and THEN come back when you're feeling better. But this break up is fresh, he's straight up TELLING YOU and showing you in more ways than one "I don't WANT THIS." and you're clinging on.

Don't...PLEASE don't make the mistake of sleeping with him during this break...because if his heart isn't in it, that doesn't mean he won't go to familiar territory to get his sexual needs met. Meanwhile, you will be lovesick and feeling it represents more than it does and it will hurt even more if things don't work out.

Don't add feeling "used" to your list of heartache. You're hurting. You need to disengage and let yourself heal from his absence. Mourn the loss of the relationship, don't hang on trying to salvage what isn't there. You can't force someone to be in what they don't want to be and any glimmer of hope will have your hopes raised and the let down will be harder. See things for what they are! Men are full of action. But we often fail to see it. They don't sit and often discuss x, y an z. They leave and don't keep the calls, the relationship, the phone plan, the you and me. What else do you need?

If you don't leave him alone for good, PLEASE. Let yourself heal first.

 

[Imani]

I respect your opinion, however I respectful disagree. I normally wouldnt befriend an ex, I don't want to sound cliche and say "this is different" but I do think so. It's just hard to explain. I must follow my heart

I felt the exact same way. Me and my ex were really good friends for a while and then "friends with benefits" for another spell before we dated. He was the closest person to me in the whole entire world and my best friend. I thought we were "different" too and would be bffs even after breaking up. It broke my heart for us to not be friends anymore, but I just couldn't do it and had to let it go. We chat on a occasion but I had to tell him straight up we can't be kicking it all hard the way he was trying to do.

You know yourself and your situation better than we do, but just make sure you are keeping it 100 with yourself and be for real about you can and cannot do.

 

[blac_quarian]

I agree. Trying to be friends with someone you're in love with is damn near impossible. And you said you could spend the rest of your life with this guy? So are you ready to hear about any other girls he might meet while he's in Chicago? Cuz that's what friends do, keep each other up to date on what's going on with each other lives. And how much time do you really think you're gonna get with him when he's in town to see his kids? Not to mention the fact that if he's gonna be coming to town "often" to visit his kids, why did y'all need to end the relationship in the first place?

But you seem to have your mind made up so best of luck to you.

Great post and particularly the bolded - this is a sharp and astute observation MzLady78...I fear this won't end well, but i wish the OP all the best. Sometimes we must go through the fire.

 

[God_Favor]

After last night, I felt like he's trying, so we'll see. And thanks

I don't why, I'm feeling like you're my little sister, lol. But I really wish u wouldn't go see him often. Even though u don't have class everyday u need to be focus on staying on top of your classes and making that long journey often is way too much. Sleep on this and think about seeing him when he does his thing with his kids or when he can make time to see you.

Glad you are feeling better and I truly want you happy. Remember its ok to put u and your needs first.

Hope all works out.

sent from HTC EVO

 

[Leesh]

@KoriKiyomi, What this is turning into is him removing your title of being his "Girlfriend", to being "Just" a "Friend" to him, so you can't have much to say about anything he does. You have ultimately been moved to the back burner. But at the same time yall will continue to do the same things yall were doing prior to this break-up, what's different, nothing, just your title.

This is the ultimate trick that men pull. And you better know, if they can still have the same thing they were gettin without the hassle of a commited relationship, then you better know, they will take "The Out"!

And why would you want to continue to be around someone who you have strong feelings for, which will keep your heart "Wide" open. You won't want to move on and meet other people, because you have not closed that chapter of your life and honestly, that's exactly what he wants. But you better believe he will be moving on, right under your nose. But remember, your no longer his girl, so you can't say anything.

You don't want that. You deserve better, You do!

I wish you the best!
You sound like a very smart girl, you'll figure it out!

 

[Imani]

@KoriKiyomi, What this is turning into is him removing your title of being his "Girlfriend", to being "Just" a "Friend" to him, so you can't have much to say about anything he does. You have ultimately been moved to the back burner. But at the same time yall will continue to do the same things yall were doing prior to this break-up, what's different, nothing, just your title.

This is the ultimate trick that men pull. And you better know, if they can still have the same thing they were gettin without the hassle of a commited relationship, then you better know, they will take "The Out"!

And why would you want to continue to be around someone who you have strong feelings for, which will keep your heart "Wide" open. You won't want to move on and meet other people, because you have not closed that chapter of your life and honestly, that's exactly what he wants. But you better believe he will be moving on, right under your nose. But remember, your no longer his girl, so you can't say anything.

You don't want that. You deserve better, You do!

I wish you the best!
You sound like a very smart girl, you'll figure it out!

Exactly And please believe he will take advantage of this as long as you LET him.

 

[hopeful]

OP, whatever happens I will support you. If it goes I well I will be so happy for you. If it turns sour I will have your back as well, no I told you so's. You just seem like such a sweetheart.

 

[curlycoquette]

If I may be honest for a minute: Guys learn early how to have their cake and eat it too. Many just want to keep the sex window of opportunity open. I have enough male friends to know that few of them are willing to totally burn a bridge or let a relationship end badly because it decreases the chances that the ex-GF will "soften" later and be willing to give him sex. This is particularly true for situations where the guy is ending the relationship. They will use vague terms, be ambiguous in speech and not completely forthright, not necessarily because they don't want to hurt your feelings like some women think, but because they want to say just enough to end relationship, but not too much to keep you in the back pocket for later.

I have had several men say this outright. Men will send texts periodically, bbms, emails, IMs, etc every so often, in the hopes that at some point in the future, if they want hassle-free sex with a familiar partner, they can get it. And, without having to do the work of finding "new" coochie. They already know you, and won't have to go through much hoopla to get some (no dates, no "getting to know you phase", wining/dining, three month rules etc). Just available, familiar vagina.

Keeping this window of so-called "friendship" open means, whenever he comes back in town and is horny (and doesn't have someone else lined up), he can play on the fact that you have such regard for him, that you're willing to not only put your own relationship desires aside, but willing to entertain him, on notice, at his whim, and on his terms. You are deliberately surrendering your power and emotional well being to him.

 

[Imani]

If I may be honest for a minute: Guys learn early how to have their cake and eat it too. Many just want to keep the sex window of opportunity open. I have enough male friends to know that few of them are willing to totally burn a bridge or let a relationship end badly because it decreases the chances that the ex-GF will "soften" later and be willing to give him sex. This is particularly true for situations where the guy is ending the relationship. They will use vague terms, be ambiguous in speech and not completely forthright, not necessarily because they don't want to hurt your feelings like some women think, but because they want to say just enough to end relationship, but not too much to keep you in the back pocket for later.

I have had several men say this outright. Men will send texts periodically, bbms, emails, IMs, etc every so often, in the hopes that at some point in the future, if they want hassle-free sex with a familiar partner, they can get it. And, without having to do the work of finding "new" coochie. They already know you, and won't have to go through much hoopla to get some (no dates, no "getting to know you phase", wining/dining, three month rules etc). Just available, familiar vagina.

Keeping this window of so-called "friendship" open means, whenever he comes back in town and is horny (and doesn't have someone else lined up), he can play on the fact that you have such regard for him, that you're willing to not only put your own relationship desires aside, but willing to entertain him, on notice, at his whim, and on his terms. You are deliberately surrendering your power and emotional well being to him.

Op, people r telling u some real good info up in here. I wish id have known some of this stuff back in the day. Your dude or ur situation may very well be the "exception" but in the VERY LIKELY event that its not, please keep this advice in mind.

Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

 

[PinkyPromise]

My hs sweetheart did this to me . .it didn't end well.

 

[littlebit79]

It seems to me that he wants out of the relationship. One thing I learned is when a man wants to go, let him go. Don't waste your time trying to convince him do anything other than what he wants to do. No matter how hard you try he will do what he wants regardless of how you feel about it.
Wish him well & move on with your life. Good luck!

 

[ThickHair]

Here's an update. Please don't judge me. But after thinking it over for myself; I realize I can't force him to be around. If it's meant to be, it will be. God knows what's best for me. What God has for me it is for me. We talked about the distance issue. Since I only have class Mondays and Wednesday and I'm not working, I will visit him often and he's going to come back home and see me when he visit his kids. We decided to be friends. I know a lot of you didn't agree with that. I feel like I'll be able to handle that. He's my best friend. We have so much in common. We both love sports, wrestling, etc. So we'll have plenty of platonic conversations. He said if I'm available he'll pick things up when we get back. He's leaving it up to me. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore guys that may come in my life. But I refuse to go around looking for a man to fill the empty void. Also we talked about the phone situation. He thinks I'm hindering him from being a man. I agree. I do too much for him. He wants to start doing things on his own. He feels like if we end things, he will have nothing. Which is true. I did a lot for him. So I can understand why he does not want to start another billing cycle.

I figure I can give these a try for a few months. What's the worst that can happen? I end up with another broken heart? Well that's life. Everything happens for a reason. So. *sigh* there's an update for ya!

Whatever you do, don't have sex with him, then he will have it made. You will give him all the benefits of an exclusive relationship without being in an exclusive relationship.