My Bestfriend can't stop crying and I dont know what to say(LONG)...

[Brit031586]

My bestfriend was dating a guy for about 6 years they recently decided to break up because he wanted to "chill with his boys" well she was fine with the break up and she seemed to be concentrating on getting over him.

However last night he got drunk at a bar that her sister was also at so her sister and her sisters SO gave him a ride home. They then called my Bestie n told her the situation right after she spoke with her sister he called her to come over his house (mind you it was 330 am) since she was up she went... (Usually if he is drunk she wont go anywhere near him because of the fact that he gets violent and has hit her, dragged her out of her car by her hair and banged her head on the hood etc...) when she arrived at his house she asked him what they were doing she told him if they were broken up then she needed him to STOP everything (calling, texting etc) because she didnt have time for games he then proceeded to tell her that he loves her and wants to be with her. So after a few mins he asked her if she was going to spend the rest of the night there she told him no and proceeded to get up and leave.

At this point he begins to tell her he doesnt want to hurt her and that she should leave now... she tells him she is leaving... as she left she asked him was there someone else and he replied yes and she is outside! My bestie was in total shock and she just began walking to her car ( she had to go through the back door because her car was in the back) as she went through the back door he went through the front and proceeded to get the other girl who had just gotten dropped off at his house... As she drove down the street she passed them before they went in the house and he was pointing and telling the girl something...

I feel so bad because she is a great person she does anything to help other people she has been faithful to him and she put up with a lot of BS she is a very very pretty girl who could do so much better than him and i've told her to stop going back to him but at this point I dont know what else to say she just keeps crying because of the hurt and betrayal she feels... I dont know what to say to her. What would you ladies say?

 

[naijamerican]

Wow. I really don't know what to say, but let her keep crying. She needs to cry all the years of pain out that that trifling buffoon put her through.

After she's done crying, I would advise her to sit down and think through why she keeps going back to him. Domestic violence, regardless of the set of circumstances surrounding it (drunk or not), is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that she remained with him for 6 years says a lot about how badly he damaged her sense of self. I'm glad, for her sake, that she did go up to see him so that she can see the truth of his person for, hopefully, the last time.

He told her that he loved her, and then proceeded to bring out his new chick? Trifling. Beyond trifling. Sub-trifling. Hopefully the betrayal at the hands of an unmitigated fool is enough to propel her toward a greater sense of love and strength in herself.

 

[ambergirl]

Sigh....your bestie needs a wake up call and fast. If she knew he was a violent drunk why would she go over to his home at 3:30am in the morning after he had been drinking?

As much as she tried to make a stand by asking him to stop calling and texting (I mean can't you do that over the phone? no need to leave your warm house to tell an EX that) what she really wanted was for him to beg for forgiveness and say how much he loved, missed, needed, had to have her, and for them to explore getting back together. His showing his arse by having another piece waiting on line has done her a huge favor. It' over, he's an arse, time to rebuild her life.

It's hard to watch anyone we care about suffer, but truly she would be suffering even more if she was with this man. The most important thing you can tell her is that all of this mess has nothing to do with her! This is about him and his issues and she didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. Nor does his jerkiness say anything about her desirability or worth as a woman and partner


I hate to sound like a broken record, but she should explore some type of counseling. Sounds like she still has not recognized how damaging this relationship was to her and that leaving it and him behind in the dust is the best thing she can do.

 

[Brit031586]

Thanks for the responses ladies... I think (well I hope) that now she sees that he is not a good person and he isnt the one for her... She changed her phone number which is a good thing now he cant call her and neither can his mom ( she always calls her to try to get her to come back to him)... i have seen first hand how scared she is of him... On her birthday he flipped out outside of a club in NYC he pushed her into the street and she almost got hit by a taxi... me and my other friend begged him to stop but he wouldnt listen... his friends did nothing and neither did the bouncers outside the club... she was terrified to go home because he had a key to her house...

She has so much going for herself she has a great job shes gorgeous has a lot of friend and is just on the right track and I keep telling her he is just bringing her down hopefully now she can really move on

 

[naijamerican]

Thanks for the responses ladies... I think (well I hope) that now she sees that he is not a good person and he isnt the one for her... She changed her phone number which is a good thing now he cant call her and neither can his mom ( she always calls her to try to get her to come back to him)... i have seen first hand how scared she is of him... On her birthday he flipped out outside of a club in NYC he pushed her into the street and she almost got hit by a taxi... me and my other friend begged him to stop but he wouldnt listen... his friends did nothing and neither did the bouncers outside the club... she was terrified to go home because he had a key to her house...

She has so much going for herself she has a great job shes gorgeous has a lot of friend and is just on the right track and I keep telling her he is just bringing her down hopefully now she can really move on

Wow. After reading those threads about men killing their exes... she might need more protection from him than just changing her number. I don't mean to be paranoid but you can never be too safe.

 

[phynestone]

I agree. She needs to look into moving ASAP, even though he has another girl around. He seems crazy enough to want to keep her in the wings despite being with someone else. Counseling would be excellent for her. She needs to get her mojo back.

 

[sweetjam2]

Your friend needs to first learn to LOVE HERSELF. You teach people how to treat you and continuing to see him after the first violent episode was giving him consent. She has to determine for herself that she deserves so much more than that guy could ever offer her, he doesn't love her. His abuse towards her will only grow.
Let her cry and get it out. Then suggest counseling for her.

 

[DayStar]

she needs to stay away from him. RUNNNNNNNNNNNN ...he hit her, there is nothing else to DISCUSS! BYE!

 

[Almaz]

I co-sign to all of this. Nothing more to add

 

[zenith]

The first thing your bestie needs to do is change the locks in her house, just in case the ill-tempered ex decides to do a drive-by.
Then she needs to go for some counseling.

 

[ThickHair]

She has so much going for herself she has a great job shes gorgeous has a lot of friend and is just on the right track and I keep telling her he is just bringing her down hopefully now she can really move on

I feel so bad because she is a great person she does anything to help other people she has been faithful to him and she put up with a lot of BS she is a very very pretty girl who could do so much better than him and i've told her to stop going back to him but at this point I dont know what else to say she just keeps crying because of the hurt and betrayal she feels... I dont know what to say to her. What would you ladies say?

I know this may be a little off topic but you keep on mentioning her looks as if pretty people should be excluded from bad treatment and only ugly people she get treated badly. It has nothing to do with looks. Dude is just a loser and I don't understand why she went over there in the middle of the night.

It is going to take something more serious than that for her to leave him alone. I hope it all works out for her.

 

[complexsimplicity]

I hate when men use that excuse that they want to "hang out with their boys" and they need "time to themselves". If that was the case then he wouldn't already have some other chick waitin outside of his house. Bastard. He didn't want time alone. He just wanted to be away from HER.
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[Kerryann]

tell her to just do any and everything to avoid the jerk

 

[mscocoface]

Ask her if she is done and look her straight in the eye.

If she says yes then tell her to put everyone on notice that she is done. Look at what steps she needs to take to make this happen and start taking them if that includes moving and/or changing numbers then so be it.

This here sounds like others are also part of the issue.

They then called my Bestie n told her the situation right after she spoke with her sister he called her

 

[Brit031586]

I know this may be a little off topic but you keep on mentioning her looks as if pretty people should be excluded from bad treatment and only ugly people she get treated badly. It has nothing to do with looks. Dude is just a loser and I don't understand why she went over there in the middle of the night.

It is going to take something more serious than that for her to leave him alone. I hope it all works out for her.

I only mentioned that she was pretty meaning like she could do so much better than him... she's young n she is a very well put together young woman not saying that if she was ugly she would deserve such treatment no one deserves that... my point was she can have so many other guys and i just dont understand y she would wanna keep going back to him...

Im not quite sure what made her go because she usually avoids him when he drinks... I guess maybe because her sister called and told her that he was really messed up then he called and asked her to come idk... I think it was a sign for her to open her eyes and see the person that he is...

 

[Brit031586]

THanks for the responses ladies after she left his house but before she changed her number he texted her saying that there was no one else he just said that because he wanted her to leave but the damage was already done and she had seen the other girl... so she told him that she wants nothing to do with him and to never call her or text her again and then she changed her number...

As far as her changing the locks she lives with her parents and got the key back when he initially needed his "space". Her mother and father know what happened last night (well this morning) so I doubt he will be coming to the house...

 

[Brit031586]

Ask her if she is done and look her straight in the eye.

If she says yes then tell her to put everyone on notice that she is done. Look at what steps she needs to take to make this happen and start taking them if that includes moving and/or changing numbers then so be it.

This here sounds like others are also part of the issue.

They then called my Bestie n told her the situation right after she spoke with her sister he called her

WHen she came to my house this morning I did this and she said she is done I kind of believe her but I kind of dont because she has told me in the past after the beatings n at her birthday party that she was done... Im just praying its for real this time.... I know that her sister and her sisters SO are very close with him as was the rest of her family (They didnt know the things that he has done) so thats probably y they gave him a ride but im not sure y they called her to tell her

 

[NOEChic]

THanks for the responses ladies after she left his house but before she changed her number he texted her saying that there was no one else he just said that because he wanted her to leave but the damage was already done and she had seen the other girl... so she told him that she wants nothing to do with him and to never call her or text her again and then she changed her number...

As far as her changing the locks she lives with her parents and got the key back when he initially needed his "space". Her mother and father know what happened last night (well this morning) so I doubt he will be coming to the house...

why she giving keys out to her parents house?

 

[discobiscuits]

(Usually if he is drunk she wont go anywhere near him because of the fact that he gets violent and has hit her, dragged her out of her car by her hair and banged her head on the hood etc...)

see. i was gonna lurk after skimming then i re-read & i have no werdz. the above quote should be (have been) enough to end it back whenever that incident, correction, ASSAULT happened. i'm not fully cold hearted, i feel for her being sad & feeling betrayed but the bottom line is she should have been over and done with him & this recent incident would be moot.

 

[brownelovely]

Since he's known to be abusive...she needs to move and keep herself safe. She should have never went over there when he was drunk. She should be counting her blessings that this guy didn't fatally hurt her that night.

Seriously, some men can't take seeing their past relationships move on....she should definitely move on and keep her phone number, address, etc...as quiet as possible.

 

[Tyler's_Momma]

Time heals all wounds! Your friend will be fine...continue to encourage her. Sometimes we need to see things for what they are before accepting the reality of the situation. He's a childish loser...she's better off solo (IMO).

 

[anon123]

(Usually if he is drunk she wont go anywhere near him because of the fact that he gets violent and has hit her, dragged her out of her car by her hair and banged her head on the hood etc...)

Welp, that's all I needed to hear. I don't know your friend at all, but I know she shouldn't be being hit. Once she leaves him and gets her outlook right, she can open her life to better things.

 

[Brit031586]

Since he's known to be abusive...she needs to move and keep herself safe. She should have never went over there when he was drunk. She should be counting her blessings that this guy didn't fatally hurt her that night.

Seriously, some men can't take seeing their past relationships move on....she should definitely move on and keep her phone number, address, etc...as quiet as possible.

ITA especially with the bolded... When she called me at 4am i thought that he had beaten her badly because regardless of anything he does she never calls me in the middle of the night she'll always wait till the morning... The phone ringing woke up my SO and even he thought that he had beaten her up... I think that she was very lucky that, that was all the happened... IMO that was the best thing that could have happened because she needed to see him for who he is... Ive known him longer than she has and he is still the same little boy he was when we were kids...

 

[spelmanlocks]

She should take the relationship as a learning experience as move on. Sometimes when you're so 'in love' with a person its hard to see their faults and realize that you can do better, even when its blatant to everyone around you. Right now she needs a good friend like you telling her positive things about herself, which I'm sure you are and that she can do better. When I broke up with my ex, my best guy friend was really there for me and I've always given him a lot of credit for helping me move on.

 

[comike]

Completely off topic but...ladies, a real man would not have his woman out at all hours of the night by herself trying to see him.

Back to the topic....let her cry as long as she has to. Tell her next time...follow your first mind. Drop the zero and don't look back.