I just dont know what to think....Is he cheating?

[honeycomb719]

Heres what I found on the net:
http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/html/law/annulment-grounds.html
GROUNDS FOR ANNULMENT
Annulment is a way of terminating a marriage that is different from divorce and separation. Annulment is the process of nullifying of a marriage where the court declares that the marriage never took place. In order to annul a marriage, the person seeking the legal action must have sufficient grounds for annulment. What follows is a list of requirements or grounds for annulment which must be presented to the courts to terminate a marriage in this way.

Grounds for annulment typically involve one party's lack of capacity for marriage or some type of fraud. One grounds for annulment is if one party had another living husband or wife at the time of marriage. This is valid even if the spouse knew about the other spouse prior to marriage. In some cases a person may have been legally denied the right to remarry, in which case this is sufficient grounds for annulment.

Grounds for annulment may involve one party being under the age of consent at the time of marriage. These requirements may vary by jurisdiction. Generally speaking, if the court determines that the party was too young to get married and no parental consent was given, the court may find this to be adequate grounds for annulment. In some cases, these statutes may even be applicable if the couple went to a different state to get married and returned to their state of residence where their union is deemed unlawful.

Grounds for annulment may also include being forced or threatened into marriage, mental incapacitation at the time of marriage, temporary or permanent insanity, intoxication (drugs or alcohol) at the time of the marriage, or marrying based on fraudulent statements or actions by the other party. Fraudulent marriage can be if one of the parties never intended to be married, the marriage was sought to deceive the other party, the marriage was for the purpose of gaining citizenship rights, and the like.

Grounds for annulment can also include impotency and incest. A person whose spouse is physically and incurably impotent during marriage has grounds for annulment, so long as they were not aware of the impotency prior to the marriage. If a marriage was never consummated, this constitutes viable grounds for annulment. Grounds for annulment also include unions between two people who are too close in relation such as: whole or half siblings, first cousins, parents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, and the like.

The grounds for annulment must be presented to the court on behalf of the innocent party. In order to be considered, the grounds for annulment must be presented to the courts within a specified time period. This time period is set forth in the statutes created by each state. This time restraint also depends on the specific grounds for annulment. In some cases this time period may begin at the time of discovering the factor which gives valid grounds for annulment.

 

[MzLady78]

"I want lots of sex when you get back"? Hell yeah, he's cheating. This is not rocket science.

What you choose to do is up to you, but let's call a spade a spade.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

I busted my boyfriend by getting a KEYLOGGER. You can buy one from thinkgeek.com, and it can stay hidden on your computer, and it's very small and unnoticable-- then you print out the transcipts at the end of the day-- it will tell you emails sent, sites visited, etc... I think it cost 20-30 bucks. A great investment if you really want to know what's going on. Even if he isn't physically cheating it's called emotionally cheating and I don't tolerate that. Buy it, use it, and bust his a** if you need to.

 

[Farida]

This is terrible. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Infidelity so early in marriage is a huge red flag. How long did you know him before you married him? I see a lot of people marry into the military quickly, usually right before a man deploys.

Those e-mails, I cannot justify. If my DH even gets spam on MySpace, he'll show it to me and/or delete it immediately. If the person continues to contact him, he blocks the address. You can block someone from e-mailing you on yahoo. Or other services. You can also e-mail the person and tell he/she to back off.

Your husband may be having an affair, or dealing with women online (which I also consider cheating) and some people don't think it is cheating, they see it like just porn. Which is ridiculous.

How long is he gone? The tough thing about deployment, is I tend to think you should deal with stuff like this when he gets back. Arguing on the phone and getting all worked up is just ugly when someone is deployed. Also, it will be tough on him being out in combat with this too (even though he deserves it and brought it upon himself).

I dunno...I would start getting my affairs in order. I just don't see how he will justify this.

 

[Jade Feria]

Heres what I found on the net:
http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/html/law/annulment-grounds.html
GROUNDS FOR ANNULMENT
Annulment is a way of terminating a marriage that is different from divorce and separation. Annulment is the process of nullifying of a marriage where the court declares that the marriage never took place. In order to annul a marriage, the person seeking the legal action must have sufficient grounds for annulment. What follows is a list of requirements or grounds for annulment which must be presented to the courts to terminate a marriage in this way.

Grounds for annulment typically involve one party's lack of capacity for marriage or some type of fraud. One grounds for annulment is if one party had another living husband or wife at the time of marriage. This is valid even if the spouse knew about the other spouse prior to marriage. In some cases a person may have been legally denied the right to remarry, in which case this is sufficient grounds for annulment.

Grounds for annulment may involve one party being under the age of consent at the time of marriage. These requirements may vary by jurisdiction. Generally speaking, if the court determines that the party was too young to get married and no parental consent was given, the court may find this to be adequate grounds for annulment. In some cases, these statutes may even be applicable if the couple went to a different state to get married and returned to their state of residence where their union is deemed unlawful.

Grounds for annulment may also include being forced or threatened into marriage, mental incapacitation at the time of marriage, temporary or permanent insanity, intoxication (drugs or alcohol) at the time of the marriage, or marrying based on fraudulent statements or actions by the other party. Fraudulent marriage can be if one of the parties never intended to be married, the marriage was sought to deceive the other party, the marriage was for the purpose of gaining citizenship rights, and the like.

Sounds about right to me..

 

[Xerxes]

Only one word comes to mind: ANNULMENT

 

[Xerxes]

Heres what I found on the net:
http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/html/law/annulment-grounds.html
GROUNDS FOR ANNULMENT
Annulment is a way of terminating a marriage that is different from divorce and separation. Annulment is the process of nullifying of a marriage where the court declares that the marriage never took place. In order to annul a marriage, the person seeking the legal action must have sufficient grounds for annulment. What follows is a list of requirements or grounds for annulment which must be presented to the courts to terminate a marriage in this way.

Grounds for annulment typically involve one party's lack of capacity for marriage or some type of fraud. One grounds for annulment is if one party had another living husband or wife at the time of marriage. This is valid even if the spouse knew about the other spouse prior to marriage. In some cases a person may have been legally denied the right to remarry, in which case this is sufficient grounds for annulment.

Grounds for annulment may involve one party being under the age of consent at the time of marriage. These requirements may vary by jurisdiction. Generally speaking, if the court determines that the party was too young to get married and no parental consent was given, the court may find this to be adequate grounds for annulment. In some cases, these statutes may even be applicable if the couple went to a different state to get married and returned to their state of residence where their union is deemed unlawful.

Grounds for annulment may also include being forced or threatened into marriage, mental incapacitation at the time of marriage, temporary or permanent insanity, intoxication (drugs or alcohol) at the time of the marriage, or marrying based on fraudulent statements or actions by the other party. Fraudulent marriage can be if one of the parties never intended to be married, the marriage was sought to deceive the other party, the marriage was for the purpose of gaining citizenship rights, and the like.

Grounds for annulment can also include impotency and incest. A person whose spouse is physically and incurably impotent during marriage has grounds for annulment, so long as they were not aware of the impotency prior to the marriage. If a marriage was never consummated, this constitutes viable grounds for annulment. Grounds for annulment also include unions between two people who are too close in relation such as: whole or half siblings, first cousins, parents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, and the like.

The grounds for annulment must be presented to the court on behalf of the innocent party. In order to be considered, the grounds for annulment must be presented to the courts within a specified time period. This time period is set forth in the statutes created by each state. This time restraint also depends on the specific grounds for annulment. In some cases this time period may begin at the time of discovering the factor which gives valid grounds for annulment.

You beat me offering the same advice. LOL

If the two were only married for 19 days and this crap is already going on, there's no need to argue or call up the other women. Just get an annulment and a spa treatment.

 

[nychaelasymone]

Dayum.. I'm so so sorry for you. My heart aches for you....you really think you know someone and poof, it blows up in your face. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, its a duck....your life is precious and you deserve to be happy.

 

[ccd]

Sorry you are going through this....I hope you can make the best decision for yourself and your mental health. Trust is the foundation for any relationship.

how long did you guys know each other before you married?

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

I busted my boyfriend by getting a KEYLOGGER. You can buy one from thinkgeek.com, and it can stay hidden on your computer, and it's very small and unnoticable-- then you print out the transcipts at the end of the day-- it will tell you emails sent, sites visited, etc... I think it cost 20-30 bucks. A great investment if you really want to know what's going on. Even if he isn't physically cheating it's called emotionally cheating and I don't tolerate that. Buy it, use it, and bust his a** if you need to.

woman after my own heart... im such a thinkgeek whore... i probably spent all my money there before i got caught up in my hair lol

 

[MissYocairis]

Hmmm....maybe they don't know about you. How long have you and hubby known each other (romantically)? Are these women in the same city as you?

Careful on forwarding emails to your account. There may be a record of it (aside from the "sent" folder). I know Google attaches any activity to the message string and calls it a conversation.

she can just save the files to her hard drive. he's up to no good. I'm sorry OP. "I miss you" and "Hey sexy" are not innocent. That alone would be enough evidence. Let alone the nekkid pics.

 

[EbonyYoungin517]

Him and I have known each other for a year and a half when we got married. So a half a year off from the suggested two years...maybe I should have waited those extra six months. Well to sum it all up in a nutshell, I blasted his butt. Caught him off guard cause I was competing with time before this side thing told him and after the all 'baby please'' he is starting to come clean. It's multiple girls and it remained an online thing so he claims. It is some sort of ego booster because he is typically a rude person and he could talk to them how he wanted and not face any consequences. Ego booster to still have chicks send him pics. We talked about his constant lying, hypocrisy, being manipulative and he said he continued to be that way because he presumed he would never get caught. I asked why they were all white and typical response black male response 'They're easier to mess with.'

He claims he never met them and the most he's done is talked to them on the phone and that was prior to his deployment. He's even fessing up about other fishy topics and right now I'm going through it. Why does a man have to get caught to realize the value of a good woman? Also how long will this epiphany last?

 

[Spongie Bloom]

Him and I have known each other for a year and a half when we got married. So a half a year off from the suggested two years...maybe I should have waited those extra six months. Well to sum it all up in a nutshell, I blasted his butt. Caught him off guard cause I was competing with time before this side thing told him and after the all 'baby please'' he is starting to come clean. It's multiple girls and it remained an online thing so he claims. It is some sort of ego booster because he is typically a rude person and he could talk to them how he wanted and not face any consequences. Ego booster to still have chicks send him pics. We talked about his constant lying, hypocrisy, being manipulative and he said he continued to be that way because he presumed he would never get caught. I asked why they were all white and typical response black male response 'They're easier to mess with.'

He claims he never met them and the most he's done is talked to them on the phone and that was prior to his deployment. He's even fessing up about other fishy topics and right now I'm going through it. Why does a man have to get caught to realize the value of a good woman? Also how long will this epiphany last?

Now that you have this info (which might not be ALLLL of it keep in mind) what are you gonna do?

 

[tocktick]

At least, now you have some of the facts. Personally, I do not believe he will tell you 100% truth - only as much as he thinks you can handle. He appears to have no respect for you as his wife (since he thinks cheating is fine unless he gets caught. Oh, you can't do the same though ); I wouldn't hesitate to think something could be up whilst he's deployed if he has the opportunity to do so.

Imo, the race of the women is not irrelevant. Why let that burn you up? They are not superior to you because they so happen to be white. Snap out of that thinking. If they were all black, what difference would it make? Ultimately, there would be no comfort in sharing a race. He still cheated. His excuse is bullsh!t because he messed with you the most and would have happily continued to do so until this day if you hadn't found out. His side-hos get to move on swiftly and lose nothing but you get hurt the most. Imo, this likely had nothing to do with him not being attracted to you as BW but everything to do with not being dedicated to his vows. I would not be surprised if he was being shady prior to marriage. It speaks volumes that his conscience didn't kick in before he got caught and he's only sorry that he got busted.

I can't tell you whether to get an annulment or to stay. I only know what I believe what I would do if I were in your shoes. I understand it's not the same as being in them. Imo, you should consider whether you can genuinely say that with some counselling and time your relationship and trust will be repaired. Also consider whether you think your husband will have newfound dedication to your marriage even though he has proved that he couldn't for any length of time. Don't just take his word for it since it's not worth much.

 

[kweenameena]

Girl, I'm not really the one to tell people what to do in their marriage but take it from someone who has been there and done that: the so-called confessions are never the complete truth, his guilt comes from you bustin up his situation not because he didn't honor his vows, there's no changing a person who doesn't understand that he needs to change, it'll be easier to leave now than leave after you all have kids (make-up sex is known to create babies). Do yourself a favor and get this annulled if possible. Don't stay because you're worried about what your parents, family and friends may think. They don't have to put up with his bull. And when you finally leave the "marriage" and get someone who treats you right.....you'll come back and laugh at this thread! Life is too short to compromise your happiness for some fool you call husband who never really was one!


Oh......and always save a file of your proof of his cheating (who cares if he sees that you've forwarded it your email) so you can get his tail stripped of his rank and demoted when you report it to the military. The military has a tendency to condone this behavior and look out for their own so make sure you are persistent. Hey, I say leave with bang!!!!!

 

[DragonPearl]

Him and I have known each other for a year and a half when we got married. So a half a year off from the suggested two years...maybe I should have waited those extra six months. Well to sum it all up in a nutshell, I blasted his butt. Caught him off guard cause I was competing with time before this side thing told him and after the all 'baby please'' he is starting to come clean. It's multiple girls and it remained an online thing so he claims. It is some sort of ego booster because he is typically a rude person and he could talk to them how he wanted and not face any consequences. Ego booster to still have chicks send him pics. We talked about his constant lying, hypocrisy, being manipulative and he said he continued to be that way because he presumed he would never get caught. I asked why they were all white and typical response black male response 'They're easier to mess with.'

He claims he never met them and the most he's done is talked to them on the phone and that was prior to his deployment. He's even fessing up about other fishy topics and right now I'm going through it. Why does a man have to get caught to realize the value of a good woman? Also how long will this epiphany last?

I suspect he was telling you the truth in the bolded. However, it does show a kind of mindset that is problematic. A man who has a need to "mess" with women instead of respecting women will sooner or later mess with you and disrespect you.

i want to balance what I say by adding that when men are deployed, they are usually faced with life and death circumstances that make many of them want to escape into a fantasy world. I suspect he was not planning on replying to these women, and was just enjoying the attention and the virtual come-ons they are giving him. Also many of them feel lonely and welcome any connnection with people who are not in the battlefield as it helps them feel normal and like they are back to regular life. And yes many men feel that looking and not touching is not cheating. The fact that he has not replied to them shows that he is not interested in actually doing the deed, but the problem is that it create a situation where temptation will eventually get the best of him.

I think you two might benefit from counseling when he gets back. Then you will have a better idea of your options and you can exercise them without haste.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

i feel like unless there is some kind of divine intervention he will remain this way...
real quick, think about how you feel
are you smiling, laughing, secure, protected? do u look forward to him coming home? do u want to start a fam? do u see ur version of the white picket fence? What if he continues to do this until you're old?
i am a firm believer in your husband being your best friend over all... is he your best friend right now? the one person you can turn to who will cherish and understand u no matter what?
Love is patient and long suffering, which you have done,
but love is also kind... this is not kind
think about what will make YOU happy cuz I know you're not happy right now... I'm pissed for you for real...
If your relationship is so tight that you can look past this (ie. Katherine Jackson, Steve McNair's wife) then by all means go for it, but usually when situations like this are not addressed by the person in the wrong, they really escalate. I have seen God work wonders, but I don't really know your whole situation...
I hope it works out for u though

 

[tocktick]

I suspect he was telling you the truth in the bolded. However, it does show a kind of mindset that is problematic. A man who has a need to "mess" with women instead of respecting women will sooner or later mess with you and disrespect you.

i want to balance what I say by adding that when men are deployed, they are usually faced with life and death circumstances that make many of them want to escape into a fantasy world. I suspect he was not planning on replying to these women, and was just enjoying the attention and the virtual come-ons they are giving him. Also many of them feel lonely and welcome any connnection with people who are not in the battlefield as it helps them feel normal and like they are back to regular life.

I didn't really pick up on the bold that much but IA with you. That mindset does come across as disturbing.

He may have kept things strictly online with these women in particular. However, "I miss you" alone implies that they've had regular contact (via email/messenger etc). I don't think he emailed them once to get some naked pics. I think it takes many women more than one exchange to be buttered up enough to send multiple naked pics to a man they only know online.

Although being deployed may make it easier for one to feel lonely, I don't think that excuses him from seeking other women to stroke his ego or provide temporary relief from the loneliness. He should have turned to his wife for that . If he was trying to re-create "real life" then I'm confused about why his wife doesn't feature in it.

Anyway OP, per your last post the only thing keeping him from cheating/seeking female attention IRL is that he's rude. Yet, if he won you over and buttered up at least 2 women enough to get them to send nude photos then I think he knows how to tone down that rudeness enough to get what he wants.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I agree with the posters who said he is telling the truth about his behavior. I think it's shiesty, and while I haven't been in the exact same shoes, I had problems where partners felt because "they wouldn't get caught" certain things were okay... because it wasn't "in person" or "no physical or emotional cheating" or "it's just a game" it was cool.

If he's not willing to change, he MAY say he is and do more to hide his actions from you. If he does that, be prepared to stand on your word. No man is worth your sanity if you don't think you'll ever be able to completely trust him.

And I know plenty of men who think it's funny and amusing to play on "women's esteem and respect" for their own egos. It's not cute and it says a lot about his character. Women who allow men to do that need an intervention and help and love... not to be made an example of. Sadly, I still have questions about the "sex" part. I'd look for his archives on messenger.

 

[TayMac]

I feel like he is telling you the truth but still leaving out some stuff. And what he has revealed, it's still a form of cheating IMO but I hope you all can work it out if that's what you want. Some counseling or something. However the "I want lots of sex when you get back" or whatever was said still stands out to me.

 

[panamoni]

It's better that you find out sooner rather than later. This "online cheating" situation, combined with all of the other ways he keeps secrets from you, withold's information and feelings, manipulates, and just does things that aren't quite respectful of you are clear red flags that you can no longer ignore. I would seek out individual counseling first if I were you, and maybe a support group. If you're isolated, you're less likely to recognize his inappropriate behavior as such. Good luck.

 

[Lenee925]

I could believe what he says as more guys than we think flirt online for attention until they get busted or checked by GF or wifey. The weird thing is the "I want lost of sex when you come back" comment. That to me alone is the killer. You could have moved on and forgave him if he agreed to stop and still do your 'keylogging' to make sure he's telling you the truth in the meantime. It may just be flirting taken to the hopeful extreme of some clear chick wanting sex from your man or it could be for real. Just go with your heart on this. I don't believe you should throw in the towel just yet...

 

[brownbeauty196]

I'm sorry your going through this but I think you busted him too quick. All the evidence will disappear and he will be extra attentive to you , until you forget about the incident. What is going to happen during other periods of his life when he's feeling low , Is he going to seek "attention" from other women also? These emails indicate some sort of real life relationship to me but you are the only one who can decide what you want to do. Follow your heart...

 

[bermudabeauty]

well you got married a few weeks ago. Maybe he didn't get the chance to tell those girls to kick rocks yet. But he should have after he opened the email. I would talk to him about it next time I spoke to him screw that I would tell him how I feel it is wrong and it makes me question his vows to me, it hurts you, and is disrespectful. Tell them to kick rocks or else!

 

[Ms Red]

Not much to offer except that I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope and pray you find the strength to do what's best for you. After reading the thread (and I agree with the other ladies), it's not too late to get out. ((((HUGS))))

 

[ClassicChic]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Jade Feria]

well you got married a few weeks ago. Maybe he didn't get the chance to tell those girls to kick rocks yet. But he should have after he opened the email. I would talk to him about it next time I spoke to him screw that I would tell him how I feel it is wrong and it makes me question his vows to me, it hurts you, and is disrespectful. Tell them to kick rocks or else!

Um, he should have told them to kick rocks long before then. Like while they he and OP were in a relationship.

 

[elaine]

Well, based on the responses, you have a great support system from the ladies on this board. ( I sent you a PM). If you are not sure where to go with this one, keep copies of everything that you have found. Continue to be cautious, but also work on you! If you are deciding to go back to school, do it! If you ever have to leave make sure that you are able to maintain without him sending you money.

 

[Detangle]

((Hugs))...girl I've worn the same shoes until the soles came off. If I could change the hands of time, chile I would; Unfortunately, your suspision and need to snoop will only become worst and will take a toll on your well being and the positive nature that you once had. Its a vicious mental cycle, regardless if you lay claim to being nosey, who isnt? Nonetheless, I cant say marriage supercedes a non-marital relationship but the bottom line is if your in a committed relationship, you should not have to sacrifice your happiness for infidelty and disrespect for someone is conscious of their actions.

 

[movado32k1]

This is so crazy I did the very same thing today, went in his email and found the very same thing you did, naked pics of other women and him. I even started a thread about it. I would say that he is cheating. How far back do the mails go? He will deny it to the death so...I say collect evidence and prepare yourself for what is to come. The trust you used to have in your relationship is gone, can there be anything without that?