My abusive relationship......

[snugglez41685]

I am writing this today because I have been holding this in for so long and need to vent. I am/was in an abusive relationship for the past nine months. It was verbally and physically abusive. About a week ago I decided to leave because I am currently two months pregnant. I thought if I went back home he would take some time to change and could stop being scared. I told him I needed some time. So I left MA to come back to NY and stay with my mother. Well he asked me to stay before I left and I said I couldn't. Well I made a big issue about if he loved me he would change and come and show me that. Well not long after I came to NY he was here also. He said when am I coming back. I said soon but I need some time. Well he kept asking for three days straight and each day I ended up busy with something like watching my lil sister. Well he told me to meet him at his mom's yesterday around one thirty and if I didn't he was leaving me. Well I started thinking about the past and wether or not he was reallly going to change this time. Well I got scared and didn't meet him. He became so upset and started screaming at me on the phone about how he wanted nothing to do with me and that he would give me money for an abortion. I started crying and my mom took the phone and hung it up. He started to text me telling me he was gonna start counseling in two weeks and how he paid all the bills and rent so I can live comfortably in MA. I said if I would have known about the counseling things would have been looked at a lil differently. He said that by me not showing up that meant I had no faith in him changing. Mind he has said he woulld go to counseling before and never made any attempt. I explained to him I was scared and didn't want to go through it again. Well now he wants nothing to do with me and is moving somewhere no one will know about. I love him but I kept thinking about our unborn child. I feel bad as if I should have believed in him. I know I never wanted this to happen. Sorry for the long post. Just so depressed.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm very sorry this is happening right now... I have a lot of thoughts, because I've read your posts before and there seems to be a pattern here... BUT, right now, that's not the big issue.

What are you going to do? I think it's clear that this man does not want to be with you and that you have a 99.9% likelihood that he's not going to be there for this child, if you choose to give birth.

What are your thoughts and plans about this pregnancy, and if you go through with it, are you prepared to raise a child alone?

 

[Butterfly08]

I am so sorry. I know this is a very scary time in your life, and it sucks to have so much drama, uncertainty and pain surrounding what should be a happy time.

I don't know all the particulars of your situation but I personally have little hope in abusers changing. Unfortunately I have personal experience in this area as well. I think that you need to do whatever you can to stay safe and keep your unborn child safe. It's possible he will move away and not contact you any more but I doubt it. Abusers are hung up on control and don't want you out of their life. It's probably a power play. One of my exes would threaten to leave in order to force *me* to change, but never did. But once I took steps to leave he fought it tooth and nail.

Use this time to reflect, think, plan and heal. You are in my prayers. It breaks my heart to see other young women going through this. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[brownelovely]

Sorry you are going through this. He's not going to change. He wants you to believe it so you will come home but you are safer staying right where you are now...with family. Things may be hard on your own with a baby but at least you are safe and can begin to get your life together.

You shouldn't have to come home and live in fear of someone, SMH...that's no way to live, especially pregnant. I will definitely keep you in my prayers and don't accept anymore calls or contact from him period. An abusive spouse can go over the edge at anytime and you don't want that.

Be safe

 

[Bunny77]

You know, I was so busy thinking about the pregnancy that I didn't make the most obvious point... which everyone else already did.

You need to get away from this man as soon as possible. You do NOT need to be around an abuser... he is not only verbally and physically abusive, he is emotionally abusive as well. What you described was an example of him playing mind games with you. He knows he wasn't going to no got dayum counseling... and what kind of boyfriend says that if you don't meet him at this place at this time, he's gonna leave?

So you definitely have a real loser on your hands and you need to be done with him, no matter what you decide about your pregnancy.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm sorry you've been going through this. I think you should get in contact with woman's help group/abuse survivor/domestic abuse counsellors who can help you get on the right track. Women's shelters are a good place to start...you don't have to go and stay there, if that's not necessary but they are aware of what steps you can take to protect yourself and unborn child from your ex.

You are going to have to be strong for yourself and your baby. Be safe and keep us updated!

 

[snugglez41685]

Thank you ladies for all your kind replies. And Bunny77 I knew you would come in and post. I know you know about my other relationship too. Please post your thoughts here to cause I do see a pattern with myself also. I just don't know how to assess properly. I am keeping the baby. I am preparing myself for doing this on my own,being a single parent. Any advice is more than welcomed. I am just this mixed up person not just right now but always it seemed.

 

[Bunny77]

Thank you ladies for all your kind replies. And Bunny77 I knew you would come in and post. I know you know about my other relationship too. Please post your thoughts here to cause I do see a pattern with myself also. I just don't know how to assess properly. I am keeping the baby. I am preparing myself for doing this on my own,being a single parent. Any advice is more than welcomed. I am just this mixed up person not just right now but always it seemed.

I post because I care. I really don't want to see women hurting and going through things like this... I really don't.

The pattern I see is that you seem to want to make men love you. You'll stick around with someone who doesn't treat you well (and of course, you deserve someone who treats you like a queen), and then you "beg" them to love you. Begging isn't really the right word, but as you mentioned in your first post, you said you made a big deal about how he should show you that he would change if he loved you.

See, that right there... if a man loves you, he's going to treat you well from the beginning. No woman has ever had to tell a good man to show or prove to her that he loves her. Love is an action verb... either he is loving you by being a wonderful man who cherishes and adores you and puts you above everyone else, or he's NOT loving you by ignoring you, disrespecting you, abusing you and the like.

Only you know why this might be a difficult issue for you -- the issue of you seeking love from men who don't feel the same way -- and that's something that maybe you can ask a therapist or counselor about. Because you have been in an abusive relationship, I think that some counseling to help you get past this and to focus on your new life as a mother would be very helpful... and it would prevent you from ending up with another man like the one you're with right now.

But please make a clean break... focus on your child, getting a good job/living situation, etc.

 

[Butterfly08]

Thank you ladies for all your kind replies. And Bunny77 I knew you would come in and post. I know you know about my other relationship too. Please post your thoughts here to cause I do see a pattern with myself also. I just don't know how to assess properly. I am keeping the baby. I am preparing myself for doing this on my own,being a single parent. Any advice is more than welcomed. I am just this mixed up person not just right now but always it seemed.

I haven't been on the Relationship board for a minute so I don't know anything about your other posts, but I would say don't be hard on yourself. He's done enough of that. Sometimes life happens and you realize all of a sudden that you are so far off track, so far away from where you thought you'd be, and that you're settling for less. But just the fact that you recognize you need to leave is a positive step in the right direction. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and one day you will look up and see that you are safer, happier and stronger. I don't know if you're a believer but my faith in God really helped me to heal and overcome.

And another thing that has helped me is journaling. I write out my hurts, frustrations, goals and dreams. It is inspiring to pick up old journals and see how broken and desperate I was, and how much I've grown since then, and how some of my dreams are coming true.

You may also need to actually talk to someone - so research any women shelters in your area and perhaps they can refer you to some free recovery services through community organizations or churches.

The tough part is that he is your child's father, and the whole custody situation is something to consider. I don't really have any advice here. I do believe that children need their mother and father, but not at the cost of your safety or your child's safety. I would personally be concerned about him taking the child on his own, for fear that he might deal with him/her harshly. IDK, maybe some other ladies can pitch in on that issue.

 

[anon123]

I explained to him I was scared and didn't want to go through it again. Well now he wants nothing to do with me and is moving somewhere no one will know about.

Consider yourself lucky. He talks about how he went to counseling, but clearly if he's yelling at you on the phone like that, he hasn't been at it long enough. He's yelling at you, mad that you didn't believe he had changed, when his angry behavior is showing you he hasn't. He sounds dangerous, and you do not want your child, if you choose to go on with the pregnancy, around an abusive man, right?

 

[NOEChic]

I left an abusive marriage b4 i had kids bc i did not want to bring that around any future kids. The whole time that i am fighting him for the divorce he is going to church saying that he is changed/changing yet doing the same things.

He threatened to blackmail me, he put his hands on me while there were people in my house. All his friends were like he is not like that and blah blah blah. How he is in the church and God doesn't like divorces and how I should give him another chance. Apparently he also slept with one of my good friends ALL the while saying how much he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work (just found this out last week).

I said all of that to say this. Anybody can change I believe that, but I didn't need or want him to change for me. I really dont know if my ex changed and could careless. Let him be a burden on someone else and you find you someone that will treat you right. He may NEVER EVER put his hands on another woman, but you dont be that woman to test his changeness (i know that is not a word lol).

You have to do what is right for your child. You do not want your child growing up thinking that a man in within his rights to put his hands on anybody and let alone they momma. Get out while it is just ONE child that is still in the womb. The more kids you have the harder it will be for you to leave.

 

[NOEChic]

Consider yourself lucky. He talks about how he went to counseling, but clearly if he's yelling at you on the phone like that, he hasn't been at it long enough. He's yelling at you, mad that you didn't believe he had changed, when his angry behavior is showing you he hasn't. He sounds dangerous, and you do not want your child, if you choose to go on with the pregnancy, around an abusive man, right?

Plus her momma coulda been on channel 5 news crying for her to come home

 

[awhyley]

It may be painful right now, but you are on the right track. Kudos for wanting to keep the child and making the choice of becoming a single mother. Thank goodness you didn't meet him and get sucked back into that mess. He was telling you want you wanted to hear; then he tried to back you into a corner (i.e. that him leaving you business), paid all the bills (like that's some great feat, he wasn't paying all of the bills before then?), and you resisted. Stay strong, you have family who support your decision and us here to talk things over with. Don't be depressed. You finally turned that corner and things will get better.

 

[TayMac]

OP I know how you feel somewhat. I was in an abusive relationship (2years) and pregnant and it was the pregnancy that woke me up to realize that this was not the life I wanted. Before then, I made every excuse in the book for him and my once calm life had nearly spiraled out of control. Being a single parent has it's struggles definitely but I know I would have had a much worse fate staying with him.

You deserve better and you will get it. Just focus on your sanity and health of you and your unborn child for now.

 

[ArrrBeee]

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft ( Why Does He Do That) that is about abuse. One of the chapters contains a checklist on whether or not the abuser is serious about changing.

You also have to be careful about abusers and counseling because they are highly manipulative individuals.

You and your baby need to be safe. Don't settle. Think about your unborn child and do what you need to do to get emotionally healthy.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I left an abusive marriage b4 i had kids bc i did not want to bring that around any future kids. The whole time that i am fighting him for the divorce he is going to church saying that he is changed/changing yet doing the same things.

He threatened to blackmail me, he put his hands on me while there were people in my house. All his friends were like he is not like that and blah blah blah. How he is in the church and God doesn't like divorces and how I should give him another chance. Apparently he also slept with one of my good friends ALL the while saying how much he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work (just found this out last week).

I said all of that to say this. Anybody can change I believe that, but I didn't need or want him to change for me. I really dont know if my ex changed and could careless. Let him be a burden on someone else and you find you someone that will treat you right. He may NEVER EVER put his hands on another woman, but you dont be that woman to test his changeness (i know that is not a word lol).

You have to do what is right for your child. You do not want your child growing up thinking that a man in within his rights to put his hands on anybody and let alone they momma. Get out while it is just ONE child that is still in the womb. The more kids you have the harder it will be for you to leave.

I really feel like the church does a disservice to women in abusive relationships. God doesn't fix everyone. You have to have a heart of repentance and a lot of abusers blame others.

I hate how they quote one part of the verse. Here is the whole verse (my emphasis bolded)


Malachi 2:16 (New International Version)

16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I am writing this today because I have been holding this in for so long and need to vent. I am/was in an abusive relationship for the past nine months. It was verbally and physically abusive. About a week ago I decided to leave because I am currently two months pregnant. I thought if I went back home he would take some time to change and could stop being scared. I told him I needed some time. So I left MA to come back to NY and stay with my mother. Well he asked me to stay before I left and I said I couldn't. Well I made a big issue about if he loved me he would change and come and show me that. Well not long after I came to NY he was here also. He said when am I coming back. I said soon but I need some time. Well he kept asking for three days straight and each day I ended up busy with something like watching my lil sister. Well he told me to meet him at his mom's yesterday around one thirty and if I didn't he was leaving me. Well I started thinking about the past and wether or not he was reallly going to change this time. Well I got scared and didn't meet him. He became so upset and started screaming at me on the phone about how he wanted nothing to do with me and that he would give me money for an abortion. I started crying and my mom took the phone and hung it up. He started to text me telling me he was gonna start counseling in two weeks and how he paid all the bills and rent so I can live comfortably in MA. I said if I would have known about the counseling things would have been looked at a lil differently. He said that by me not showing up that meant I had no faith in him changing. Mind he has said he woulld go to counseling before and never made any attempt. I explained to him I was scared and didn't want to go through it again. Well now he wants nothing to do with me and is moving somewhere no one will know about. I love him but I kept thinking about our unborn child. I feel bad as if I should have believed in him. I know I never wanted this to happen. Sorry for the long post. Just so depressed.

If I haven't learned anything in my life I've learned that when the person who needs to change starts making ultimatums or laying guilt trips -- run.

 

[Guitarhero]

Well I made a big issue about if he loved me he would change and come and show me that. Well not long after I came to NY he was here also.

He said that by me not showing up that meant I had no faith in him changing. .

You are not responsible for his change, HE is, whether you love him or not, whether he is the father or not. That is totally a separate issue that cannot be blamed on you. You are wise not to want to be around a violent, abusive man, particularly when you are pregnant. Dont' go back. You will heal. But please do not allow his anger to manipulate you. I just got through with a new FRIEND who blew up at me with trust issues that had absolutely nothing at all to do with me. He has anger problems and I will not deal with such a person. You shouldn't either, certainly not a mate.

 

[Diamond125]

OP the exact same thing happened to me in 2001. I was in an abusive relationship that I walked away from when I found out I was 2 months pregnant. Knowing that there was a child in me that I had to protect gave me the courage to walk away and stay away. I lived in a women's shelter for domestic violence for 4 months...praying every day for God's help.

It's been 9 years, and I have to admit that the first few months were hard because there is something inside of you that is still attached to the abuser and wants to believe he will change. But the longer you are separated from him the more you will see how wrong things were.

You may not see this right now but to have an abuser walk away from your relationship can be seen as a blessing and not a curse. Many women lose their lives running from a dangerous person. That is why I had to stay in a hidden, secure shelter instead of with family or friends.

You are doing the right thing. It will take time to heal but you will get stronger every day. Rely on God's grace and His mercy to bring you through this and to heal you. Let God do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

PM me if you want to talk.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

I hate to add a layer to bad news...

But you also need to think about how you may have to co-parent with this idiot. Unless you have filed DV charges against him there is a strong possibility that you may have to end up co-parenting with him. He sounds like a manipulative jerk. I would not be surprised if he tried to get into the child's life just to have an excuse to stay in yours. And, if his parents decide they want a relationship with their grandchild, he could do it with their blessing, active encouragement, and assistance.

 

[Spiffy]

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft ( Why Does He Do That) that is about abuse. One of the chapters contains a checklist on whether or not the abuser is serious about changing.

You also have to be careful about abusers and counseling because they are highly manipulative individuals.

You and your baby need to be safe. Don't settle. Think about your unborn child and do what you need to do to get emotionally healthy.

She is right about that book, it's excellent. I think someone also posted about it in one of the stickies on this forum. Check it out.

Stay strong!

 

[Nyssa28]

You shouldn't feel bad, you nor your child need this crazy arse man around right now, it's too fresh.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

you will never be able to rid yourself of this man now that you are having his child. he sounds like the type that might use the child as leverage to make your life miserable. dont ever get back with him, but be prepared for what may come once you have that baby.

 

[Ladybelle]

There is a book by Lundy Bancroft ( Why Does He Do That) that is about abuse. One of the chapters contains a checklist on whether or not the abuser is serious about changing.

You also have to be careful about abusers and counseling because they are highly manipulative individuals.

You and your baby need to be safe. Don't settle. Think about your unborn child and do what you need to do to get emotionally healthy.

She is right about that book, it's excellent. I think someone also posted about it in one of the stickies on this forum. Check it out.

Stay strong!

I had to chime in and agree with these ladies about this book.
If you don't do anything else right now, go get this book. It's like getting the rare opportunity to get inside an abusive man's mind. Not only will you see him more clearly, you may see yourself in the book too. If you can't understand it, this book will give you the insight you need to move on or the information you need to know if he really wants to change or if he's more concerned with getting you back under his power & control.

I wish you well and I applaud you for doing what's best for your baby - I know it has to be so hard for you right now. But, each day you get stronger, you get wiser - you heal! Keep doing what you have to do for you and your baby.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

If he's really wanting to change, he'll let your have your space so that he can go to counseling and get himself together for you and your baby. In your post, this man has a lot of issues and I don't think anyone needs to be around him while he's trying to get it together esp. in your condition.

I really wish you the best, take care of yourself and your child to be . This man is trying to bully you back into being with him, and from the sound of your post, if you go back to him while he's still in the state he's in...it could spell trouble

 

[Mahalialee4]

Right now it may be a blow to your self esteem
A blow to your pride
A blow to your dreams

Stick around an abuser
It might become a blow to your head and if you are pregnant
A blow to your stomach

Sounds like a blow by blow situation in the making to me.

 

[Ganjababy]

You left him at the right time. Physical abuse escalates during pregnancy because these guys feel a loss of control over their spouse/partners during the pregnancy and so the violence increases and gets worse during this time.

I wish you the best and hope that you continue to have the courage to keep this person out of your life.

 

[FlowerHair]

I hope he really means that he's going away somewhere where you can't find him, because having a child with someone like this is going to haunt you for the rest of your and your child's life - especially if he chooses to stay in the child's life.

I hope he stays away for good.

I have zero respect for men like him, I've been in your situation many, many years ago. Thank goodness we never had a baby.

Take care of yoursel first and foremost, that's the best thing you can do for you and your unborn child. :Rose:

 

[LadyPaniolo]

There is so much wisdom in this thread. I, too, have been in an abusive relationship. More than one, actually. What I needed to steer clear of getting into yet another abusive relationship was therapy with a counselor at a women's shelter. Even though I did not live there, I was able to get free (I was broke) counseling sessions that really did help me through lots of issues that I otherwise never would have connected with the abusive relationships. I've been married to a non-abusive man for 5 years now... and that would probably not have happened without the counseling.

Just because you are planning on giving birth does not mean you have to choose to parent. If you choose to raise the child alone that is your choice. But there are also couples out there who are looking to adopt black *newborns*. The younger your child is at the time of placement, the better. It is an option to consider, if you feel that your life is not stable enough to provide the very best home possible. And nobody says you have to list him as the father on any official document. It's just something to think about.

I cannot stress highly enough how much you need to read "Why does he do that?" AND "When Dad hits Mom" both by Lundy Bancroft. These books will explain everything to you in crystal clear terms. It blew me away to see and understand the mind of an abuser.

In any case, I wish you well and I hope you can be strong enough to stay away from him now. In many domestic violence cases, the woman returns 6 times before she finally stays away the 7th time. Abusers intuitively sense this. They can smell your indecision, your fear, your sadness at being apart from him in spite of it all.

And the little game of how he's going to leave YOU because you didn't show faith in his ability to change is pure game, and retarded game at that. YOU left HIM. When a man tries to act like HE left YOU in a case like this, it is nothing but pure manipulation and BS. Please don't believe the hype.

 

[afrikurl]

You left him at the right time. Physical abuse escalates during pregnancy because these guys feel a loss of control over their spouse/partners during the pregnancy and so the violence increases and gets worse during this time.

I wish you the best and hope that you continue to have the courage to keep this person out of your life.

This is true. I know two women who were in verbally and emotionally abusive realtionships, that escalted to physical violence during pregnancy.
I would also file a restrainign order to document the abuse. You may be able to help you use this to limit his visitation(for saftey reasons) once the child is born. Also have your mother and others who have witnessed his anger write and certify afadavits(sp?). Start documenting this now so that by the time the child is born it's not an issue.