Men and their approaches

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

This is really starting to work my nerves because I thought that men are supposed to be "adults" not boys with high school mentality. Have any of you ever had a man just stare at you, I don't mean glancing and looking away but literally staring at you and not say anything. And you know they're staring at you because their eyes are moving with you so it's not like they're hiding the fact. Are they really that petrified to approach because I see some of the women they approach and I'm just in shock sometimes. Hence, the beautiful women with the ugly men and vice versa.

 

[Nyssa28]

That makes me soooo mad and irritated. Say something or keep them eyes moving.

 

[Xerxes]

This is really starting to work my nerves because I thought that men are supposed to be "adults" not boys with high school mentality. Have any of you ever had a man just stare at you, I don't mean glancing and looking away but literally staring at you and not say anything. And you know they're staring at you because their eyes are moving with you so it's not like they're hiding the fact. Are they really that petrified to approach because I see some of the women they approach and I'm just in shock sometimes. Hence, the beautiful women with the ugly men and vice versa.

Aw, I don't see anything wrong with that at all. The guy is just trying to enjoy the view and have a daylight fantasy session at your expense. He honestly has nothing to say to you and is not relationship material so just KIM and sing Mariah's "Obsessed" in your head as you walk away.

 

[username12]

I have discovered that many times these men are in relationships and can't say anything, so they admire you from afar.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I have discovered that many times these men are in relationships and can't say anything, so they admire you from afar.

BINGO.

I agree.

Sidepoint:
But honestly though, is it just me or have the "courting rules" for men and women lately become a bit blurred?? Obviously I'm not talking about EVERY man since there are still men out here who know how to express a real interest in a woman that they are REALLY interested in. But for the others.....I don't know if it is due to the women's movement, feminism, more men being raised by single parent mothers, or what, but it seems like men these days are just so "shy" and don't know how to properly express their interest in a woman. Is it just me?? All the time I'll sense that a guy that I really want might be interested, but no matter the signs (the staring from afar, sitting/standing near me but won't speak two words to me, or if he DOES speak he'll be too nervous to carry on a real conversation,etc), things won't end up happening if SOMEONE doesn't take a chance.

What happened to the days when men actually went out of their WAY to express a genuine interest in a woman?

I'm starting to realize that it seems like a LOT of guys/men (especially men of my generation unfortunately ) have become super-duper lazy. Since there are women out here who are perfectly fine with pursuing a man and making him her bf, it seems guys now days just sit back and relax and don't really know how to WORK for a woman anymore! Almost like they don't know that men are the hunters and and pursue and women are to be pursued! Then some women wonder why things don't work out, or why the guy loses interest in her or feels unfulfilled if HE's been the one being chased after.

I've just noticed that so many men have become so scared and so lazy these days. Especially the "good-looking" ones. THey're so used to women falling at their feet, asking them out, pining after them, etc, that they don't even lift a finger! I used to wonder why I would get more "ugly" or "low-life" dudes always quick to hit on me...while the good-looking ones who seemed like they had their life together were not stepping. Some of them are either taken already, OR...they are so used to women chasing them, that they get kind of out of their "element" when they have to do most of the pursuing. Now the ugly dudes....lol...they already know that no woman really wants them, so if they want a woman, they're going to have to actually WORK for one! LOL!!!


Btw...I'm honestly NOT trying to lump alll men into one category...but based on what I've seen and experienced these days, it's almost as if women have to make the first move or else the men are too "afraid" to get rejected. Ummm....okay...what happened to the days when men actually took a chance?? Have we women come so far from those times? Or is it the men's fault?

 

[Deluxe]

I think shy men are rare. There is always a valid reason why a man has not approached you. There can be many reasons. The ones that can normally be attributed to their "window shopping" is that they are in a relationship, think that you are out of their league, they can sense that you are a no bull---- type woman, or they are conceited and think that they are so hott that women should approach them. Any of these reason would keep me away. I like confident, available, and proactive men.

 

[awhyley]

I think shy men are rare.

I too like the proactive man, but there are more shy men than you think out there.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

BINGO.

I agree.

Sidepoint:
But honestly though, is it just me or have the "courting rules" for men and women lately become a bit blurred?? Obviously I'm not talking about EVERY man since there are still men out here who know how to express a real interest in a woman that they are REALLY interested in. But for the others.....I don't know if it is due to the women's movement, feminism, more men being raised by single parent mothers, or what, but it seems like men these days are just so "shy" and don't know how to properly express their interest in a woman. Is it just me?? All the time I'll sense that a guy that I really want might be interested, but no matter the signs (the staring from afar, sitting/standing near me but won't speak two words to me, or if he DOES speak he'll be too nervous to carry on a real conversation,etc), things won't end up happening if SOMEONE doesn't take a chance.

What happened to the days when men actually went out of their WAY to express a genuine interest in a woman?

I'm starting to realize that it seems like a LOT of guys/men (especially men of my generation unfortunately ) have become super-duper lazy. Since there are women out here who are perfectly fine with pursuing a man and making him her bf, it seems guys now days just sit back and relax and don't really know how to WORK for a woman anymore! Almost like they don't know that men are the hunters and and pursue and women are to be pursued! Then some women wonder why things don't work out, or why the guy loses interest in her or feels unfulfilled if HE's been the one being chased after.

I've just noticed that so many men have become so scared and so lazy these days. Especially the "good-looking" ones. THey're so used to women falling at their feet, asking them out, pining after them, etc, that they don't even lift a finger! I used to wonder why I would get more "ugly" or "low-life" dudes always quick to hit on me...while the good-looking ones who seemed like they had their life together were not stepping. Some of them are either taken already, OR...they are so used to women chasing them, that they get kind of out of their "element" when they have to do most of the pursuing. Now the ugly dudes....lol...they already know that no woman really wants them, so if they want a woman, they're going to have to actually WORK for one! LOL!!!


Btw...I'm honestly NOT trying to lump alll men into one category...but based on what I've seen and experienced these days, it's almost as if women have to make the first move or else the men are too "afraid" to get rejected. Ummm....okay...what happened to the days when men actually took a chance?? Have we women come so far from those times? Or is it the men's fault?

It's not just you that's why I thought I asked to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. Some of the men that do speak to me aren't really speaking. A lot them fidget a lot (it's actually kind of cute to see that they're nervous), stutter when trying to speak to me, stand around me I guess hoping that I'd speak or something but I'm not a mind reader.

Maybe you guys are right about them being in a relationship or shy. I just couldn't figure out why they would stare at someone they want to speak to and can't.

 

[Kerryann]

i think staring is rude but just be glad he didnt say anything because it might have ruinned your day

 

[antisocial]

It's rude and irritating. Even if he's in a relationship that doesn't mean he can just sit stare somebody down. He can at least speak to make it not seem so wierd and rude.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It's not just you that's why I thought I asked to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. Some of the men that do speak to me aren't really speaking. A lot them fidget a lot (it's actually kind of cute to see that they're nervous), stutter when trying to speak to me, stand around me I guess hoping that I'd speak or something but I'm not a mind reader.

Maybe you guys are right about them being in a relationship or shy. I just couldn't figure out why they would stare at someone they want to speak to and can't.

Hahah! Thank you! It's good to know I'm not the only one who goes through this. It IS kind of cute and endearing when they stutter or fidget when trying to talk to me. But see, in the past I used to take the fidgeting as a sign that the guy had something to hide, or wasn't THAT interested in me and was just playing a game. Perhaps maybe I should have given more of those "fidgetting" guys a chance. I just got fed up w/the mixed signals I guess. *sigh*

I too like the proactive man, but there are more shy men than you think out there.

Yea I agree that there are probably more "shy" guys out here than we think. Don't get me wrong though, I want a masculine man. I'm not saying the shy ones can't be manly, but it's just a turn-off when a man is THAT shy to approach you AS LONG AS you have been consistently friendly with him.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

BTW...I meant to ask you OP: What are YOU doing when you sense the guys staring at you? Do you glance over at them and smile? (if you're interested) Or, do you pretend like you don't see them staring at you? OR...do you give them a nasty look as if to ask: "why are you staring at me you creep!?"

The reason I ask is because although I believe the man should make the first forward step, sometimes I think men DO need a little bit of encouragement (a nice glance from across the room, a coy smile, looking in his direction with an interested look, etc.) from a woman in order to take that intial "first step". While I think men should be MEN, I don't think most of them will take that first step if they feel like they will be shot down. Guys ego's are pretty fragile.

Who knows?? Maybe a LOT of men would approach if the woman would smile more and look in his direction. If you are smiling and looking in his direction and he STILL doesn't approach, it's either because:

-He's not interested
-He's taken already
-He's actually looking at someone else! lol

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

BTW...I meant to ask you OP: What are YOU doing when you sense the guys staring at you? Do you glance over at them and smile? (if you're interested) Or, do you pretend like you don't see them staring at you? OR...do you give them a nasty look as if to ask: "why are you staring at me you creep!?"

The reason I ask is because although I believe the man should make the first forward step, sometimes I think men DO need a little bit of encouragement (a nice glance from across the room, a coy smile, looking in his direction with an interested look, etc.) from a woman in order to take that intial "first step". While I think men should be MEN, I don't think most of them will take that first step if they feel like they will be shot down. Guys ego's are pretty fragile.

Who knows?? Maybe a LOT of men would approach if the woman would smile more and look in his direction. If you are smiling and looking in his direction and he STILL doesn't approach, it's either because:

-He's not interested
-He's taken already
-He's actually looking at someone else! lol

I have a habit of doing this because it pisses me off to no end when someone just stares at me. A long time ago I used to smile and/or say hello but they would just sit there. Some would say hi and others would smile but a majority don't so I just said screw it. If they want me to talk to them then they have to say something first. It's a work in progress to get me back to the way I used to be (i.e. smiling, speaking) so I'm not saying my behavior is right.

 

[Deluxe]

I think shy men exist, I just don't think they are as common in our society as women would like to believe. I have spoken to men I perceived to be shy and found out they were not shy AT ALL.

A fidgeting man may be just nervous because he thinks you are incredibly hott.

 

[Bunny77]

I think shy men exist, I just don't think they are as common in our society as women would like to believe. I have spoken to men I perceived to be shy and found out they were not shy AT ALL.

A fidgeting man may be just nervous because he thinks you are incredibly hott.

Yeah, ITA.

There are shy men, but why is there suddenly this epidemic of so-called shy men over the last two decades or so?

Or is it that they just don't want to work for a woman these days?

 

[Xerxes]

Yeah, ITA.

There are shy men, but why is there suddenly this epidemic of so-called shy men over the last two decades or so?

Or is it that they just don't want to work for a woman these days?

Oh, Bunny! You don't believe this too do you? LOL

Ok, I'll try to be brief-- he's just not that into you! LOL

The sad thing is that line always applies with men.

Men are just as shy as they have always been, there are just fewer men to choose from in the black community so many of the agressive BM end up in jail or become uber successful and hit on women that they consider of a higher standard (i.e. white or just plain non-black). The good-looking, well-employed brothers that most of us want are picky as heck and are just enjoying the view when they stare you down, but please understand if they truly wanted you, they'd be on you like Donkey Kong.

The regular brothers who are more laid back and docile just take their time waiting to see if you're worth flirting with. Think about how many men you turn down in a day.

Seriously, women say "no" or ignore men just as a general reflex mechanism, so smart men don't waste time with chicks that don't meet their benefits-risk ratio. Are you attractive enough and are you willing to offer him what he desires (which may not be a relationship), that's what it all boils down to.

Case in point, I'm crushing kind of hard with a new guy at work. We're like on week 3 of the staring, sitting next to each other at every chance, reading each other's facebook pages, him rubbing my arm when he tells a joke, asking me about my weekend plans and I am loving every minute of it. In fact, I probably only have 30 more free minutes before he returns to his desk behind me. It takes time to get to know each other and avoid wasted money/time dating an incompatible person. On one hand, I'm annoyed that he still hasn't asked to take me out definitively, but this getting to know him time is sweet. I can tell that this guy is vetting me by asking me about my value system, explaining his views on credit and asking me about my credit history/spending habits, asking about my family and trying to see if I'm willing to go to different cultural events he enjoys. We don't need men to try to rush things and ruin what could be a great relationship if it's started right and slowly.

Patience is a virtue and when the right guy acts shy but is truthfully studying you to see if you're worth his efforts, you will be the one to reap the benefits.

And think about it, do you really want the brazenly aggressive male? The kind of guy who comes up to you and wastes no time asking you out, although he barely knows your name or is a complete stranger. I don't want him because his cockiness is built through experience of randomly hitting on women until one gives in. I'd rather date the pragmatic man who takes his time choosing me and determining if I fit his requirements for a mate. I want a guy who appreciates me as a total package and takes his time approaching me with the respect I'm due.

Oh and my guy just paged me, dang I can't wait for him to ask me out already...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Yeah, ITA.

There are shy men, but why is there suddenly this epidemic of so-called shy men over the last two decades or so?

Or is it that they just don't want to work for a woman these days?

YES!! This is my question too! Why does there seem to be an epidemic of "shy" men these days?? I'm telling you, when you go overseas the men do NOT act this way! Sure....not all of them are interested in a relationship, and maybe they're really just interested in a little "play" for one night, but at least they act like they know how to approach a woman. Goodness...

And yes...if a guy is REALLY acting "Shy" meaning...he's avoiding you, never calls you, never tries to invite you anywhere with him, then he's not shy...he's just not into you. YEs...we've all had this drummed in our heads! lol

But what about the guys who DO seem interested, but just are very slooowwwww at expressing it, or show mixed signals? Are they not really interested too? Or is something else going on?

Oh and my guy just paged me, dang I can't wait for him to ask me out already...

Xerxes, your guy actually seems like he's interested in you, but is just taking things a bit slowly for the time being. And rightfully so! You two WORK together! I'm not even going to go into what can happen with "office romances". So, I think it's good that he's taking his time.

Believe me...he would not be asking you all of those deep questions and seeking out information from you about credit history etc. if he was just flirting w/you to pass the time at work. So, I think he's interested and is taking it slowly.

Believe me, I have NO problem with a guy being patient and wanting to take things a bit slowly. In fact, I prefer the slower-paced guys to the brazenly aggressive ones. But come on now...I wish these guys would actually let ME know that they are just taking it slow! Goodness...

 

[Vanity1]

Case in point, I'm crushing kind of hard with a new guy at work. We're like on week 3 of the staring, sitting next to each other at every chance, reading each other's facebook pages, him rubbing my arm when he tells a joke, asking me about my weekend plans and I am loving every minute of it. In fact, I probably only have 30 more free minutes before he returns to his desk behind me. It takes time to get to know each other and avoid wasted money/time dating an incompatible person. On one hand, I'm annoyed that he still hasn't asked to take me out definitively, but this getting to know him time is sweet. I can tell that this guy is vetting me by asking me about my value system, explaining his views on credit and asking me about my credit history/spending habits, asking about my family and trying to see if I'm willing to go to different cultural events he enjoys. We don't need men to try to rush things and ruin what could be a great relationship if it's started right and slowly.

Patience is a virtue and when the right guy acts shy but is truthfully studying you to see if you're worth his efforts, you will be the one to reap the benefits.

And think about it, do you really want the brazenly aggressive male? The kind of guy who comes up to you and wastes no time asking you out, although he barely knows your name or is a complete stranger. I don't want him because his cockiness is built through experience of randomly hitting on women until one gives in. I'd rather date the pragmatic man who takes his time choosing me and determining if I fit his requirements for a mate. I want a guy who appreciates me as a total package and takes his time approaching me with the respect I'm due.

Oh and my guy just paged me, dang I can't wait for him to ask me out already...

Ok, I honestly feel like there is a conflict here....

Patience is virtuous, yes. But evaluate this.....

Yall are getting comfy and close at work. He has known and talked to you 3 weeks. Yet, he is taking his time to ask you out for dinner or coffee? And you are annoyed that he hasn't asked you out yet?

I thought that going out with someone was part of getting to know someone. That is part of finding out if you are compatible with someone. Not sitting at work sharing arm rubs and spending habits. I am truly confused.

Note to all ladies:

Yeah everyone is different, but do not sell yourself short. Patience is great but some stuff is undervalued when it comes to dating, one of which is your time. "wondering" "hoping" "waiting" have NEVER been in my vocabulary when I was on the dating scene. Why? Cause if a dude was serious, he would show ME. Bottom line. 3 weeks is long enough to ask u out for a walk or something, that is almost a month. How will you get to know one another when you are only buddied up during work? He can't take you to lunch or something?

Taking time to get to know one another is true, but dag, yall speaking credit and spending, stuff folks on the verge of long term relationships talk about, and taking you out for a chicken salad aint no long term investment.

 

[Bunny77]

Oh, Bunny! You don't believe this too do you? LOL

Ok, I'll try to be brief-- he's just not that into you! LOL

The sad thing is that line always applies with men.

Men are just as shy as they have always been, there are just fewer men to choose from in the black community so many of the agressive BM end up in jail or become uber successful and hit on women that they consider of a higher standard (i.e. white or just plain non-black). The good-looking, well-employed brothers that most of us want are picky as heck and are just enjoying the view when they stare you down, but please understand if they truly wanted you, they'd be on you like Donkey Kong.

The regular brothers who are more laid back and docile just take their time waiting to see if you're worth flirting with. Think about how many men you turn down in a day.

Seriously, women say "no" or ignore men just as a general reflex mechanism, so smart men don't waste time with chicks that don't meet their benefits-risk ratio. Are you attractive enough and are you willing to offer him what he desires (which may not be a relationship), that's what it all boils down to.

Case in point, I'm crushing kind of hard with a new guy at work. We're like on week 3 of the staring, sitting next to each other at every chance, reading each other's facebook pages, him rubbing my arm when he tells a joke, asking me about my weekend plans and I am loving every minute of it. In fact, I probably only have 30 more free minutes before he returns to his desk behind me. It takes time to get to know each other and avoid wasted money/time dating an incompatible person. On one hand, I'm annoyed that he still hasn't asked to take me out definitively, but this getting to know him time is sweet. I can tell that this guy is vetting me by asking me about my value system, explaining his views on credit and asking me about my credit history/spending habits, asking about my family and trying to see if I'm willing to go to different cultural events he enjoys. We don't need men to try to rush things and ruin what could be a great relationship if it's started right and slowly.

Patience is a virtue and when the right guy acts shy but is truthfully studying you to see if you're worth his efforts, you will be the one to reap the benefits.

And think about it, do you really want the brazenly aggressive male? The kind of guy who comes up to you and wastes no time asking you out, although he barely knows your name or is a complete stranger. I don't want him because his cockiness is built through experience of randomly hitting on women until one gives in. I'd rather date the pragmatic man who takes his time choosing me and determining if I fit his requirements for a mate. I want a guy who appreciates me as a total package and takes his time approaching me with the respect I'm due.

Oh and my guy just paged me, dang I can't wait for him to ask me out already...

Que?

I KNOW that they're just not that into me if they're "shy." My point is that too many women use shyness as an excuse instead of facing the facts that the man is just not that into them or not serious enough to do anything.

I guess my question is also the same as Vanity's question? Why hasn't this man asked you out already? Is he that into YOU?

Assertiveness does not have to mean aggressiveness. I prefer a man who asks a woman out on a date in a reasonable amount of time instead of beating around the bush. Some folks have met the parents in one month and are talking marriage by month three while others are still "crushing" as a dude supposedly is "taking his time."

Nah... serious men ask me out early because they know what they want. I won't have it any other way.



And also, I couldn't care less about black men in jail or the "educated in demand brotha who knows it and acts accordingly". Neither are in my dating pool, and I have never faced a scarcity in prospects because mine are not limited to black men.

P.S.: I do realize that you two work together, so it's hard for him to make a move, but as Vanity said, he could at least take you out for a walk or y'all could get some food in the cafeteria or something. And PLENTY of married couples I know met at work, and the dude usually found the woman important enough to take that risk and ask her out, even informally.

 

[Filmatic]

I had a dude stare at me at the coffee shop. It got annoying, then I had to sit close to him bc the other seats were taken & I needed to plug my laptop.

He walked around my table came back, walked again, came back. All the while staring at me. I gave him a smile once and ignored him. He finally got some balls and came up to me. He said I intimidated him. Go figure. Maybe it was bc he was Arabian. He was a cutie though. He was nice and we actually talked a bit that day.

Maybe they are intimidated. I just smile and KIM now.

 

[Xerxes]

But come on now...I wish these guys would actually let ME know that they are just taking it slow! Goodness...

Please be patient my child. Fear of rejection is a huge turnoff, especially when someone is determining whether the other individual is worth the humiliation. If a guy lets you know that he likes you, then he effectively becomes vulnerable and that's the same reason why we never let them know how we feel about them too.

When the guy is ready, he'll act but in the meantime, his signals shouldn't (won't) be mixed. In your heart, you should know how he's feeling.

And yes, dating at work is a minefield waiting to happen, but I have had both good and bad experiences and that's why I am very loathe to rush things. Love is a marathon, not a race.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Please be patient my child. Fear of rejection is a huge turnoff, especially when someone is determining whether the other individual is worth the humiliation. If a guy lets you know that he likes you, then he effectively becomes vulnerable and that's the same reason why we never let them know how we feel about them too.

When the guy is ready, he'll act but in the meantime, his signals shouldn't (won't) be mixed. In your heart, you should know how he's feeling.

And yes, dating at work is a minefield waiting to happen, but I have had both good and bad experiences and that's why I am very loathe to rush things. Love is a marathon, not a race.

I guess this is what gets me, they won't know if we'll reject them unless they ask. Well, for me anyway, I can't read your mind and you can't read mine so we'll both just sit there trying to think what the other is thinking.

 

[Xerxes]

Taking time to get to know one another is true, but dag, yall speaking credit and spending, stuff folks on the verge of long term relationships talk about, and taking you out for a chicken salad aint no long term investment.

I guess my question is also the same as Vanity's question? Why hasn't this man asked you out already? Is he that into YOU?



P.S.: I do realize that you two work together, so it's hard for him to make a move, but as Vanity said, he could at least take you out for a walk or y'all could get some food in the cafeteria or something. And PLENTY of married couples I know met at work, and the dude usually found the woman important enough to take that risk and ask her out, even informally.

Vanity and Bunny, did you have a mind meld or something because your posts were identical! LOL

We've already eaten lunch and hung out before, I just don't consider that crap real dates because it's part of the getting to know you phase with no pressure. I'm different in that sense. Most girls call walking at the park, eating out together alone with the guy a date. I simply don't, but we've done that numerous times (at work and on the weekend away from work) and that's why I started to realize he was purposefully spending alone time with me and could like me more than just as a coworker since he never asked any of the other women out.

I'm waiting for a sort of expensive real date-- going to the opera, a night out on the town, etc. He's already brought it up and I'm wondering when he will buy the tickets and let me know. I'm looking forward to the serious part of the relationship starting-- when we get ready to commit to each other, exclusivity. That's what counts in my mind and that might take a while and I'm trying to be patient about it and just go with the flow.

So I know he likes me, but how he views me as relationship (future wife or just girlfriend) potential will only be shown to me through his actions over a long course of time.

As I have gotten older and gotten tired of being let down by men, I have realized that the men I got to know as friends first over a long period of time, I have had the best romantic interactions with. Some might call these men "shy", but I think of them as intelligent.

We all need time to vet a potential SO to find out if they could be violent or just a waste of time masquerading in a cute body.

Think about it, I met him for the first time on July 6th (this is the middle of the 3rd week of knowing him), why should I expect more than what I'm already getting from him?

And Bunny, I mentioned black guys because this forum is full of BW who overwhelmingly deal with brothers, I did not mean to imply that you only dated BM.

 

[Bunny77]

Believe me...he would not be asking you all of those deep questions and seeking out information from you about credit history etc. if he was just flirting w/you to pass the time at work. So, I think he's interested and is taking it slowly.

I meant to go back and address this.

All I'm going to say is that one shouldn't assume that this man is serious just because he's asking personal questions. Now, he could very well be serious... I am not ruling that out... but again, I think we women are too quick to analyze things (in our favor) and make assumptions that might not be correct.

Case in point: There was this dude back in college that I had a mad crush on, but we couldn't date because I lived in the dorm where he was a graduate assistant. Well, we could date, but he wanted to wait until he was no longer in that position so that it didn't seem all scandalous or anything.

Well, he would ALWAYS ask me the most personal questions... things like, "What do you look for in a man?" "When you date, do you seek long-term relationships or do you just date for fun?" You know, stuff that your friends don't usually ask.

Anyway, a few days after this deep discussion, he told me he had a girlfriend. Two years later, he broke up with the girlfriend and we went out, went back to his place to watch movies, and just cuddled on the couch. I KNEW some great relationship was just around the corner...

Eh, that was 1999 and ole boy is 38 and STILL single. He NEVER made a serious move toward me, but in the five years that I maintained contact with him, he still would ask personal questions and wonder why I wasn't married yet and said that some lucky man should put a ring on my finger and all that. Whatever.


Situation 2 is shorter: My financial planner ALWAYS has something complimentary to say... "Your hair always looks amazing." "Your eye color is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen... your eyes are such a deep dark brown." Blah blah blah.

Then he said he saw my picture on Match.com and would ask about my dating life.

Has he done anything? Nope. In fact, he lives with some chick whom I don't know is a girlfriend in name or not, but they are ALWAYS out together.



So, the moral of this story is... we need to quit trying to analyze these men so much. If they want to be with us, they'll make a move in a reasonable amount of time. It's that simple.

 

[Bunny77]

Vanity and Bunny, did you have a mind meld or something because your posts were identical! LOL

We've already eaten lunch and hung out before, I just don't consider that crap real dates because it's part of the getting to know you phase with no pressure. I'm different in that sense. Most girls call walking at the park, eating out together alone with the guy a date. I simply don't, but we've done that numerous times (at work and on the weekend away from work) and that's why I started to realize he was purposefully spending alone time with me and could like me more than just as a coworker since he never asked any of the other women out.

I'm waiting for a sort of expensive real date-- going to the opera, a night out on the town, etc. He's already brought it up and I'm wondering when he will buy the tickets and let me know. I'm looking forward to the serious part of the relationship starting-- when we get ready to commit to each other, exclusivity. That's what counts in my mind and that might take a while and I'm trying to be patient about it and just go with the flow.

So I know he likes me, but how he views me as relationship (future wife or just girlfriend) potential will only be shown to me through his actions over a long course of time.

As I have gotten older and gotten tired of being let down by men, I have realized that the men I got to know as friends first over a long period of time, I have had the best romantic interactions with. Some might call these men "shy", but I think of them as intelligent.

We all need time to vet a potential SO to find out if they could be violent or just a waste of time masquerading in a cute body.

Think about it, I met him for the first time on July 6th (this is the middle of the 3rd week of knowing him), why should I expect more than what I'm already getting from him?

And Bunny, I mentioned black guys because this forum is full of BW who overwhelmingly deal with brothers, I did not mean to imply that you only dated BM.

Hey.

Thanks for the update. I guess too that I thought you two met in June, not July 6. That does change things!

The more you talk about this guy, the more he does sound like he's interested. I say good luck and see what happens, but don't get TOO caught up in this "patience" thing. With you two being co-workers, I understand that you have to move a little more carefully, but even still, eventually he's gotta do something. You don't need a long course of time for him to determine how he feels about you... if he thinks you are future wife material, he will act very quickly to "snatch you up" before someone else gets you. Don't sell yourself short by buying into the idea that you have to "wait for him to decide." You do not.

While relationship development should not be a sprint, they should not be a marathon either. Maybe more like a 5K.

Oh, and I don't think I explained myself well enough on the black men comment, so I'll try to clarify.

My point is that even if one is only dating black men, we need to stop making excuses for them. They are men just like everyone else, and you should expect proper courting behavior from them. "Good" Black men should not get the "grading on a curve" or "sliding scale" treatment just because a number are in jail or others like to smell themselves too much because they are educated or whatever.

My standards for black men are no different than they are for any other man... so if the black man wants to take his time because he believes he is a commodity, I will not wait for him, nor will I change my expectations for what I expect from him.

Black women need to hold black men to higher standards. Period.

 

[Xerxes]

I guess this is what gets me, they won't know if we'll reject them unless they ask. Well, for me anyway, I can't read your mind and you can't read mine so we'll both just sit there trying to think what the other is thinking.

Oh, they know you'll act coy or reject them because that's what women do all of the freaking time. Admit it, don't you play games and try not to let the guys you like know how you feel by not acting too into them. Shoot, I'm guilty of that even right now as I type , I don't want the current guy to know just how much I'm liking him, so don't feel as if I'm just attacking you personally in this post because I am attacking myself as well. lol

Sometimes I feel bad for men because alot of chicks (especially BW) walk around with permanent scowls and it takes balls of steel to want to try to penetrate that emotional shield.

Perhaps you're a nice always friendly-looking and approachable girl, but if a guy does not perceive you as being approachable, that's just one more reason why he won't approach you.

Also, if you feel he might be interested in you and he has yet to make a move, then you should go ahead and start talking to him. Make him laugh, smile, break the ice, do something besides breathe and maybe he will feel comfortable enough to ask you out. The same hesitation you feel is what he feels, so we should all stop blaming men and own up to half the responsibility of not getting what we want.

There is an art to flirting and women should let men ask them out, but we must first give them clues to let them know we wish to be approached by them. So go out and be a flirt and get the guy you've been crushing on already!

 

[Xerxes]

Hey.

Thanks for the update. I guess too that I thought you two met in June, not July 6. That does change things!

The more you talk about this guy, the more he does sound like he's interested. I say good luck and see what happens, but don't get TOO caught up in this "patience" thing. With you two being co-workers, I understand that you have to move a little more carefully, but even still, eventually he's gotta do something. You don't need a long course of time for him to determine how he feels about you... if he thinks you are future wife material, he will act very quickly to "snatch you up" before someone else gets you. Don't sell yourself short by buying into the idea that you have to "wait for him to decide." You do not.

While relationship development should not be a sprint, they should not be a marathon either. Maybe more like a 5K.

Oh, and I don't think I explained myself well enough on the black men comment, so I'll try to clarify.

My point is that even if one is only dating black men, we need to stop making excuses for them. They are men just like everyone else, and you should expect proper courting behavior from them. "Good" Black men should not get the "grading on a curve" or "sliding scale" treatment just because a number are in jail or others like to smell themselves too much because they are educated or whatever.

My standards for black men are no different than they are for any other man... so if the black man wants to take his time because he believes he is a commodity, I will not wait for him, nor will I change my expectations for what I expect from him.

Black women need to hold black men to higher standards. Period.

You're right and when he does do something, I hope I'm ready for it. I so need an intervention because he just walked in and I have never been turned on by the way a guy walks before. Ok and before I retreat to another office and try to get some real work done, I'll just have to admit that I have nothing to add to what you said about BM. My only focus is this new guy and he's not the least bit black. He's got me in here considering learning Korean and stuff! LMAO

 

[Vanity1]

We've already eaten lunch and hung out before, I just don't consider that crap real dates because it's part of the getting to know you phase with no pressure. I'm different in that sense. Most girls call walking at the park, eating out together alone with the guy a date. I simply don't, but we've done that numerous times (at work and on the weekend away from work) and that's why I started to realize he was purposefully spending alone time with me and could like me more than just as a coworker since he never asked any of the other women out.

I'm waiting for a sort of expensive real date-- going to the opera, a night out on the town, etc. He's already brought it up and I'm wondering when he will buy the tickets and let me know. I'm looking forward to the serious part of the relationship starting-- when we get ready to commit to each other, exclusivity. That's what counts in my mind and that might take a while and I'm trying to be patient about it and just go with the flow.

So I know he likes me, but how he views me as relationship (future wife or just girlfriend) potential will only be shown to me through his actions over a long course of time.

Ok, thanks for clarifying that. It puts things in perspective, cause what you typed made it seem as though you were sitting at work hugged up with the dude, but that he hadn't even started off with what is considered the small things, since you were stressing taking your time.

I just get tired of women making excuses for men when they give them a foot in the door, but they feel the need to have to help the man put the other foot in, when he will do it if he wants.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I meant to go back and address this.

All I'm going to say is that one shouldn't assume that this man is serious just because he's asking personal questions. Now, he could very well be serious... I am not ruling that out... but again, I think we women are too quick to analyze things (in our favor) and make assumptions that might not be correct.



So, the moral of this story is... we need to quit trying to analyze these men so much. If they want to be with us, they'll make a move in a reasonable amount of time. It's that simple.

Yep, I have to admit...you're right about these two things. I had forgotten that while women pretty much only do certain things because they are interested (ie. a woman probably won't compliment a man unless she MEANS it, she won't sleep with a man unless she's actually INTO him, etc.), men are the complete opposite.

It's not so much that these guys aren't ATTRACTED...because on some level they are. But I've long-since learned that a guy being attracted vs. a guy actually being interested in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP with you are two totally different things.

So, I think we need to put these things into two different categories. Because if a guy is not attracted to you, there's no way he's going to be touching you, flirting, calling you, complimenting you, etc. But whether or not he's actually interested in a serious relationship is a completely different story all together. And I think that's what the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is addressing. That these guys are not really all that interested in a serious long-term relationship with YOU....otherwise their actions would prove that.

Perhaps you're a nice always friendly-looking and approachable girl, but if a guy does not perceive you as being approachable, that's just one more reason why he won't approach you.

Yeah I AM nice, and I DO smile and I'm approachable and all that. I consider myself pretty attractive too! But because I'm so "nice" and cool with everyone, I often hear guys tell me that they STILL are afraid to approach or are scared because they're not sure if I'm being nice to them just because I'm nice to everybody...or if I'm being nice because I'm interested. So now I have the OTHER extreme! UGh!

That's why I tend to end up with all kinds of guys interested in me and I'm not feeling it.

But I'll take the advice on this board and will be patient. I know my prince is out there somewhere. lol

 

[Bunny77]

Yep, I have to admit...you're right about these two things. I had forgotten that while women pretty much only do certain things because they are interested (ie. a woman probably won't compliment a man unless she MEANS it, she won't sleep with a man unless she's actually INTO him, etc.), men are the complete opposite.

It's not so much that these guys aren't ATTRACTED...because on some level they are. But I've long-since learned that a guy being attracted vs. a guy actually being interested in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP with you are two totally different things.

So, I think we need to put these things into two different categories. Because if a guy is not attracted to you, there's no way he's going to be touching you, flirting, calling you, complimenting you, etc. But whether or not he's actually interested in a serious relationship is a completely different story all together. And I think that's what the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is addressing. That these guys are not really all that interested in a serious long-term relationship with YOU....otherwise their actions would prove that.

And that's exactly it.

These men are definitely attracted. The bigger issue is whether or not they'll act on that attraction.

Both of the men in my story were attracted to me. But that attraction didn't translate into dating/relationships.


As for you, I can relate being the nice and friendly "cool" girl that everyone likes but that doesn't get many dates. I actually think, and have been advised in this sense, to be less open. Sure be friendly, polite, etc., but don't be so "cool." Be mysterious and make men want to know more about you... don't accidentally "friend zone" yourself by being nice and cool to everyone!