Married Women who wander...

[Ladybelle]

Okay, I had to get some opinions on this one. I work with mostly women and you know women talk to each other about just about everything. Anyhow, these two women in particular that I work with do not hesitate to admit they have "side men" in their marriages and have had them for the majority of the marriage. The curious person I am, had to know, why? Here's the responses they gave:

1) keeps friction down- when dh isn't acting or doing right, they just see the side man who doesn't give them any trouble, they in turn say they are better wives because they have no need to nag the main man and as a result he feels more respected & appreciated.

2) coloring- when dh isn't coloring well or the side man colors better and they both said that marriage goes through coloring phases,during the "off" seasons they deal with the side man. In additon the side man does things with her that the dh won't do.

3) other benefits- which varied between the two women, but some of them were financial and emotional. For whatever reason, they feel more appreciated and wanted by the side man.

4) because he does it: they both said that the side man came into their lives as a result of DH cheating or a strong suspicion of cheating. Rather than to continue to feel bad because of dh's actions, they decided to do it too and ended up liking the side action

Another question i couldn't bring myself to ask them was: You're doing all this,but isn't there a price? It seems there has to be some penalty for this type of indiscretion. Even though after years of doing it, they've never been caught.

Are there women who do this for a lifetime without any problems? If so, how & why?

Any thoughts about this?

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

theyre not gonna tell you the penalty, theyre too embarrassed...
im sure something embarrassing has occurred
Ie- a sibling or friend catching them with the other dude, fallin in love with the other dude and the other one doesn't want them, catching GONORRHEA lol
theyre not gonna tell u all that, just the juicy stuff

 

[Ladybelle]

theyre not gonna tell you the penalty, theyre too embarrassed...
im sure something embarrassing has occurred
Ie- a sibling or friend catching them with the other dude, fallin in love with the other dude and the other one doesn't want them, catching GONORRHEA lol
theyre not gonna tell u all that, just the juicy stuff

You know, I never thought about that. Although in this instance, both of their side men are also married and they've had the same side man for YEARS!!!

And, if they are bold enough to say what they're doing (although I don't think it's anything to be proud of) why not admit the repercussions of it? Why make everyone think it's the good life?

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

when people are embarrassed they have to talk about it with other people for validation... theres probably some yes girls in your office
id be right there yessin along with them... yes amuse me with your ridiculous life LOL... yes it must be so much fun...
yes i can't wait till u tell me how u got caught LOL

People are fake...
women are fake, and they talk too much... they would never tell u their true feelings
i personally would divulge all of it, i bet the conflict is very intense
either that or there is no conflict for them because they are robots and lack feelings of any sort... or they hate their husbands...
i love SO i don't want to cheat, nobody is that good lol
their lives suck. they are just too shallow and stupid to admit it or maybe even see it LOL

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Co-sign on the catching something part.

If they are cheating and have been cheating for years, men are naturally more pomiscuous than women so if they think they are the only one he is cheating with than they are naive'. Can we say increased risk of HPV

And regardless of how good they make it seem, this can not be emotionally healthy.

My aunt does this and they guy she was cheating with for yearsssss got a heart attack and died. She was heart broken but I thought....ummm, yeah...

theyre not gonna tell you the penalty, theyre too embarrassed...
im sure something embarrassing has occurred
Ie- a sibling or friend catching them with the other dude, fallin in love with the other dude and the other one doesn't want them, catching GONORRHEA lol
theyre not gonna tell u all that, just the juicy stuff

 

[LoveLiLi]

Reading this makes me feel sad and I question my desire to get married in the future.

If they don't value their bodies or their marriages and feel like it takes multiple ding-a-lings to rock their world - then w/e.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

This like this do happen but I believe the media, etc. shine alot of attention of what's wrong in a marriage and not enough of the great marriages out there that are succeeding and healthy because those kinds of things are boring.

Reading this makes me feel sad and I question my desire to get married in the future.

If they don't value their bodies or their marriages and feel like it takes multiple ding-a-lings to rock their world - then w/e.

 

[Ladybelle]

Reading this makes me feel sad and I question my desire to get married in the future.

If they don't value their bodies or their marriages and feel like it takes multiple ding-a-lings to rock their world - then w/e.

The situation is not funny, but I found the bolded to be hilarious.

 

[Ladybelle]

This like this do happen but I believe the media, etc. shine alot of attention of what's wrong in a marriage and not enough of the great marriages out there that are succeeding and healthy because those kinds of things are boring.

So you think if their were more positive examples of marriage portrayed, these women might have been inclined to be faithful?

 

[Ladybelle]

Co-sign on the catching something part.

If they are cheating and have been cheating for years, men are naturally more pomiscuous than women so if they think they are the only one he is cheating with than they are naive'. Can we say increased risk of HPV

And regardless of how good they make it seem, this can not be emotionally healthy.

My aunt does this and they guy she was cheating with for yearsssss got a heart attack and died. She was heart broken but I thought....ummm, yeah...

Did your aunt's husband know why she was so sad? Or did she have to hide her emotions like she did her lover?

ITA with the bolded. Which is why I was so confused and astounded by their admissions. It just seems to me that sooner or later this type of thing would take it's toll whether it be emotionally, physically or spiritually.

 

[JFemme]

Judgments aside....

"keep living".....

Women are more discerning, that.is.all.....

 

[Lucie]

I've wandered during the first 1/2 of my marriage. It stemmed from being self-destructive. I was used to breaking hearts, dumping dudes, and just being a real nasty b!tch to men. I was very needy and loved having my ego stroked. New men excited me, made me feel special. I started to view my husband as the enemy. He was too good to me and I needed to be free. Yes, real stupid!It's actually pretty painful for me to recap this but not all women who wander are purposely devious. Speaking from personal experience, I did it because I was trying to fill the holes in my heart. I went through so much growing up and I self-medicated in unconventional ways. I didn't do drugs, drink, or cut myself, but what I did I feel was worse because I did stain my vows. Fortunately, I am past that. Occasionally, I get scared about reverting back into the trash I used to be, but I am in a good place now.

 

[Lucie]

I forgot to say there IS a price to pay. Every time I see a movie which involves cheating and DH is there, I feel like crap. He doesn't say anything but I think who the **** was I to do this? Why did I break his heart? Why did I turn into a person I hardly recognized? It hurts when he occasionally mentions how he can't believe he was able to get over the pain of my indiscretions. There's nothing I can say because he has the right to speak his mind. I give him credit for never doing it maliciously to put me in my place. My price is heartache. Yeah, I know the past is the past but I will always see the Scarlet Letter on my chest.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

So you think if their were more positive examples of marriage portrayed, these women might have been inclined to be faithful?

Probably not. Most people do not know what a healthy marriage looks like because the media pushes all the bad ones down our throat and we figured marriages are full of mistrust and infidelity. But their are alot of good healthy, faithful men and women at stay married.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Did your aunt's husband know why she was so sad? Or did she have to hide her emotions like she did her lover?

ITA with the bolded. Which is why I was so confused and astounded by their admissions. It just seems to me that sooner or later this type of thing would take it's toll whether it be emotionally, physically or spiritually.

Well, I am not sure. She lives in Trinidad. My mom told me. It wasnt funny but I laughed. Not that he died but that she has to hide being heart broken from her husband over a man. But I am sure he knows she was cheating.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Wow, Lucie. Love your honesty. That is the toughest test on a marriage. To forgive shows how much grace and love the other person has for you.

Personally, I think when women cheat, most times the men are less inclined to forgive. My friend got caught cheating and her man tried to stay but eventually fell in love with someone and left. And then there are those dudes who do stay after finding out, just to hold it over the woman's head, as a form of control or punishment.

Personally, I cannot judge someone who fell into a situation and had an indiscretion...because that can happen quite quickly OR during a difficult period in the marriage, etc... And you learn your lesson, feel remorseful, and never do it again.

My biggest issue is with habitual cheaters. Why get married in the first place? Why cheat for years on end? Why not be a bachelorette who dates several people or who has open relationships. Why make vows that you know you cannot keep?

There is always a price, some suffer it sooner than later. And then there are the few, who because of true commitment to make the marriage work, sincerely forgive the indiscretions, and go forward and grow.

 

[Ladybelle]

I forgot to say there IS a price to pay. Every time I see a movie which involves cheating and DH is there, I feel like crap. He doesn't say anything but I think who the **** was I to do this? Why did I break his heart? Why did I turn into a person I hardly recognized? It hurts when he occasionally mentions how he can't believe he was able to get over the pain of my indiscretions. There's nothing I can say because he has the right to speak his mind. I give him credit for never doing it maliciously to put me in my place. My price is heartache. Yeah, I know the past is the past but I will always see the Scarlet Letter on my chest.

I truly appreciate your willingness to be so candid and open about the past. Emphasis on the past, your dh loves you and I'm sure he always saw YOU not the the person you said you became for a little while.That's what's most important. You sound so different from the women I was speaking about, they seem proud of their behavior and make it seem as if there isn't a downside to it. I know there has to be.

I'm glad you made it through the self-destruction, I'm sure it was a very difficult thing to not only deal with, but live beyond. But you did it!!!

 

[Ladybelle]

Judgments aside....

"keep living".....

Women are more discerning, that.is.all.....

I don't mean to sound judgemental if it comes off that way. We ALL have our things to deal with. I'm really just curious. I am the LAST person to judge anybody. Lord knows it's only because of his grace that I'm the woman I am today.


I would love for you to elaborate on the "keep living" phrase, it reminds me of my grandmother. Do you mean if I live long enough, I'll see the flip side of situations similar to the one I mentioned?

 

[Lucie]

Wow, Lucie. Love your honesty. That is the toughest test on a marriage. To forgive shows how much grace and love the other person has for you.

Personally, I think when women cheat, most times the men are less inclined to forgive. My friend got caught cheating and her man tried to stay but eventually fell in love with someone and left. And then there are those dudes who do stay after finding out, just to hold it over the woman's head, as a form of control or punishment.

Personally, I cannot judge someone who fell into a situation and had an indiscretion...because that can happen quite quickly OR during a difficult period in the marriage, etc... And you learn your lesson, feel remorseful, and never do it again.

My biggest issue is with habitual cheaters. Why get married in the first place? Why cheat for years on end? Why not be a bachelorette who dates several people or who has open relationships. Why make vows that you know you cannot keep?

There is always a price, some suffer it sooner than later. And then there are the few, who because of true commitment to make the marriage work, sincerely forgive the indiscretions, and go forward and grow.

I do believe that men are less likely to forgive but I am inclined to believe that it based on a case-by-case basis. Yes, there is ALWAYS a price in the end. Many people look at a marriage and think they know the details but really don't. They only know what the people in the marriage tell them and not an ounce more. Anything can be worked out if the two parties involved make a sincere attempt to work past it. In my case, I think my husband was able to see the real Lucie, even when I broke his heart and couldn't see through my own fogginess.

I truly appreciate your willingness to be so candid and open about the past. Emphasis on the past, your dh loves you and I'm sure he always saw YOU not the the person you said you became for a little while.That's what's most important. You sound so different from the women I was speaking about, they seem proud of their behavior and make it seem as if there isn't a downside to it. I know there has to be.

I'm glad you made it through the self-destruction, I'm sure it was a very difficult thing to not only deal with, but live beyond. But you did it!!!

I was proud of my behavior in the past. Sick, I know. I thought I was a player and that I was untouchable. I had men, money, fun, who was better than me? When I crashed, I crashed and burned HARD!!! I lost lots of friends, money, my husband temporarily, and my self-respect. It got worse before it got better and the thing that helped me was just surveying the damage, forgiving myself, and fixing things one-by-one. I became really overwhelmed and started to hate myself. Very unpretty ish! But I made it. It's not something I am proud to share but perhaps someone who is currently like the old Lucie can relate and stop while she's ahead.

 

[Ladybelle]

Wow, Lucie. Love your honesty. That is the toughest test on a marriage. To forgive shows how much grace and love the other person has for you.

Personally, I think when women cheat, most times the men are less inclined to forgive. My friend got caught cheating and her man tried to stay but eventually fell in love with someone and left. And then there are those dudes who do stay after finding out, just to hold it over the woman's head, as a form of control or punishment.

Personally, I cannot judge someone who fell into a situation and had an indiscretion...because that can happen quite quickly OR during a difficult period in the marriage, etc... And you learn your lesson, feel remorseful, and never do it again.

My biggest issue is with habitual cheaters. Why get married in the first place? Why cheat for years on end? Why not be a bachelorette who dates several people or who has open relationships. Why make vows that you know you cannot keep?

There is always a price, some suffer it sooner than later. And then there are the few, who because of true commitment to make the marriage work, sincerely forgive the indiscretions, and go forward and grow.

I think we rarely hear about the men who truly forgive of infidelity because the men certainly won't tell anyone about it and the women usually aren't running around telling on themselves. The marriages that survive these issues aren't usually seen or talked about because the couple keeps the issue very quiet. It's not easy for a man to say, "my wife cheated on me and I'm still with her." Can you imagine how he would be looked at by his friends,family and society?? The double standard in this instance is sooo obvious.

I think it's possible for men to forgive just as it is for them to be faithful.

Sorry to go on a tangent, but I also think that habitual cheaters have an underlying issue. It can be somewhat of an addiction like any other destructive habit, it's not so much about what their spouse is or isn't doing wrong as it is about an inner problem with the person doing the cheating.

just imho.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I think we rarely hear about the men who truly forgive of infidelity because the men certainly won't tell anyone about it and the women usually aren't running around telling on themselves. The marriages that survive these issues aren't usually seen or talked about because the couple keeps the issue very quiet. It's not easy for a man to say, "my wife cheated on me and I'm still with her." Can you imagine how he would be looked at by his friends,family and society?? The double standard in this instance is sooo obvious.

I think it's possible for men to forgive just as it is for them to be faithful.

Sorry to go on a tangent, but I also think that habitual cheaters have an underlying issue. It can be somewhat of an addiction like any other destructive habit, it's not so much about what their spouse is or isn't doing wrong as it is about an inner problem with the person doing the cheating.

just imho.

Actually you're not on a tangent. It is right dead on this topic. There is definitely an issue going on. Like Lucie said, she had a void from childhood. When you travel this road of infedility, the cheater usually comes to a fork at the road. It is that moment when s/he decides that the behavior is wrong and delves into unravelling the emotional imbalance. Others will go in the other direction, and take an ambivalent attitude because they are too far in to turn back or enthralled with their own "player" status.

Like I said, cheating or "wandering" can happen to almost anyone in the right/wrong circumstances. My biggest issue is when it goes on and on, with no regard for the damage. Its not fair to the other person if you are living a double life.

 

[JFemme]

I don't mean to sound judgemental if it comes off that way. We ALL have our things to deal with. I'm really just curious. I am the LAST person to judge anybody. Lord knows it's only because of his grace that I'm the woman I am today.


I would love for you to elaborate on the "keep living" phrase, it reminds me of my grandmother. Do you mean if I live long enough, I'll see the flip side of situations similar to the one I mentioned?

Sorry you misinterpreted my "judgment comment"...it was a just an disclaimer, of sorts... (b/c I don't stand in judgment of others, that's not my job)

It was not aimed at you, or anyone in particular..

(I'm multi-taking, as always, pop in and out of lhcf, so 'cuse me for leaving that thought hanging...)

The "keep living" statement, I grew on as well... momma, grand momma, aunties...

Now, that I've hit a seasoned aged... it rears its BIG head often....

Cause I NOW, get it....(I mean really)

Anyhoo, this is a big discussion that has a complex sets of answers that can not be answered by what we desire to be true about life, imho...

And, yes, I've come across many women who live dual lives...

I have heard and seen it all.. (or a greeeat deal of it, anyway)

 

[Ladybelle]

Actually you're not on a tangent. It is right dead on this topic. There is definitely an issue going on. Like Lucie said, she had a void from childhood. When you travel this road of infedility, the cheater usually comes to a fork at the road. It is that moment when s/he decides that the behavior is wrong and delves into unravelling the emotional imbalance. Others will go in the other direction, and take an ambivalent attitude because they are too far in to turn back or enthralled with their own "player" status.

Like I said, cheating or "wandering" can happen to almost anyone in the right/wrong circumstances. My biggest issue is when it goes on and on, with no regard for the damage. Its not fair to the other person if you are living a double life.

ITA. It seems that some cheaters want the solidarity of a home life, they don't want to be rolling stones,etc. They like having the "one" and the other life is something totally separate from the main home. It's not fair at all.

eta: i think the bolded is where my co-workers are. After 10-15 years of doing it, they must have the ambivalent attitude you mentioned. To me, that seems almost impossible. It seems sooner or later one would have to deal with it or maybe ambivalency (if that's a word ) is how they deal with it.

 

[Ladybelle]

Sorry you misinterpreted my "judgment comment"...it was a just an disclaimer, of sorts... (b/c I don't stand in judgment of others, that's not my job)

It was not aimed at you, or anyone in particular..

(I'm multi-taking, as always, pop in and out of lhcf, so 'cuse me for leaving that thought hanging...)

The "keep living" statement, I grew on as well... momma, grand momma, aunties...

Now, that I've hit a seasoned aged... it rears its BIG head often....

Cause I NOW, get it....(I mean really)

Anyhoo, this is a big discussion that has a complex sets of answers that can not be answered my what we desire to be true about life, imho...

And, yes, I've come across many women who live dual lives...

I have heard and seen it all.. (or a greeeat deal of it, anyway)

I know, I was just saying. But i reallly wish you would elaborate a little even though it is a complex issue. Have you seen the horrors and the successes of the dual lives or just one or more than one or the other??

 

[JFemme]

I know, I was just saying. But i reallly wish you would elaborate a little even though it is a complex issue. Have you seen the horrors and the successes of the dual lives or just one or more than one or the other??

I think some subjects are best not discussed on this forum, as much as I love it here, that my truth...

The real vicissitudes of marriage is one of them...

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

I forgot to say there IS a price to pay. Every time I see a movie which involves cheating and DH is there, I feel like crap. He doesn't say anything but I think who the **** was I to do this? Why did I break his heart? Why did I turn into a person I hardly recognized? It hurts when he occasionally mentions how he can't believe he was able to get over the pain of my indiscretions. There's nothing I can say because he has the right to speak his mind. I give him credit for never doing it maliciously to put me in my place. My price is heartache. Yeah, I know the past is the past but I will always see the Scarlet Letter on my chest.

u are great for ur honesty that was tiiight

 

[JFemme]

I've wandered during the first 1/2 of my marriage. It stemmed from being self-destructive. I was used to breaking hearts, dumping dudes, and just being a real nasty b!tch to men. I was very needy and loved having my ego stroked. New men excited me, made me feel special. I started to view my husband as the enemy. He was too good to me and I needed to be free. Yes, real stupid!It's actually pretty painful for me to recap this but not all women who wander are purposely devious. Speaking from personal experience, I did it because I was trying to fill the holes in my heart. I went through so much growing up and I self-medicated in unconventional ways. I didn't do drugs, drink, or cut myself, but what I did I feel was worse because I did stain my vows. Fortunately, I am past that. Occasionally, I get scared about reverting back into the trash I used to be, but I am in a good place now.

(((HUGS)))

 

[mikisha]

i have a friend like this who is married but also have a married side man. She claims to be happy right after sex but then cry all the time because the married man dont take her out or do anything for her, Big dummie he only want you for sex. This broad had the nerve to talk ablout his wife and get mad at her. That is her husband not yours why do women get mad at the wife like there doing something wrong to them and its the other way around.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

I think some subjects are best not discussed on this forum, as much as I love it here, that my truth...

The real vicissitudes of marriage is one of them...

i think they should be
some of us have no where else to talk about these things

 

[Ladybelle]

i have a friend like this who is married but also have a married side man. She claims to be happy right after sex but then cry all the time because the married man dont take her out or do anything for her, Big dummie he only want you for sex. This broad had the nerve to talk ablout his wife and get mad at her. That is her husband not yours why do women get mad at the wife like there doing something wrong to them and its the other way around.

I dunno. Emotions always get involved sooner or later. I think there are very few of us who can just have sex with someone with no emotional attachments.

Why be mad at the wife? cuz he has feelings for the wife and not her?