Marriage in trouble

[TRINITY05]

Ok ladies help me! My husband and I have been married for 4 years. yesterday he saw a picture of a male friend of mine on the computer (long story) it actually popped up while he was looking for something. The picture was saved in my e-mail. To make a long story short, this is not the first time he has found out that I have been talking to a male friend on the phone. I need to know what to do at this point because all the trust is gone.
Ladies should I just end the marriage because I don't think this will stop. I love having friends to talk to male or female and it really is all innocent.

I do love my husband and I don't want to leave but I will if I know in my heart that I cannot stop because it is not fair to him.

 

[jturner7156]

Don't stop your marriage over this...if you all are involved in church, seek counseling...if not, seek therapy and counseling. "Through thick and thin"

 

[firecracker]

I hope these are old tried and true friendships you maintained prior to marriage. You can't have new male friends in a marriage unless your hubby approves sweetie. I'm going to keep my other thoughts and questions to myself.

 

[mama22]

Ok listen I have been with my husband for 6 yrs and if I was in your situation and I really loved my husband and wanted everything to workout, I would do what i need to to make him happy and keep my marriage together. I guess what I'm saying is stay and work through this anything that's good is worth fighting and making sacrifices for. If you are unwilling to do that then you should step back and re-evaluate yourself and if you really wanna be married or just like the idea of it all.

Keep God first, a family that prays together stays together!

 

[Ms.Nigeria]

trust is needed in every relationship. Prayer and maybe counseling

 

[dlovely]

Talk to him and try to appease the situation and let him know that you are his and his alone and there should not be any insecurities, jealousy, etc from him. My hubby is like that and I respect that. Try counseling and see but you've made it to 4 years-- it's not worth breaking up because of this-- not worth it at all.

 

[lexi08]

I hope these are old tried and true friendships you maintained prior to marriage. You can't have new male friends in a marriage unless your hubby approves sweetie. I'm going to keep my other thoughts and questions to myself.

ITA. How often are you talking to these men? Are you making new male friends (that is a no no for a married women in my opinion). Honestly, your husband should be your best male friend. If you really want to be married I would re-evaluate the importance of these male friends in your life and why you feel you need them in your life.

 

[HisBestFriend]

I can relate to your situation ONLY, if like Firecracker said, this is a tried and true friendship which started before your marriage.

Anything other than that is the beginning path to infedilty; maybe filling a void you have in your marriage.

If this other guy is a real friend, you will talk to him explain the jepordy the friendship puts on your marriage and you will both back away slowly, communicating only on birthdays, holidays and such. If he's a real friend, he'll understand that your marriage comes 1st and he would want you to work it out. If he's a real friend and your marriage fails because of the void that might be there, completely unrelated to him, he'll still be there when you need him because he's a real friend.

Just my take on this, coming from a place of experience.

 

[sunnydaze]

Is this something really worth even considering divorce over? Maybe there is more to it than you stated.

Why not introduce your husband to your friends? I am sure that would help alot.

 

[firecracker]

Is this something really worth even considering divorce over? Maybe there is more to it than you stated.

Why not introduce your husband to your friends? I am sure that would help alot.

I'm waiting for clarification

 

[discobiscuits]

all of my friends are men, save one, and as each one got married, some were able to maintain a friendship with me and other female friends some were not. OUT OF RESPECT for the marriage first and the friendship second i gladly agreed to end all contact with my male friends who had wives that did not feel comfortable with the husband having female friends. i may have been there before they ever met her but marriage vows and trust within that marriage trumps my friendship. real friends are always friends no matter what and even if you go 20 years without communicating, real friends are always there when you need them.

my opinion CUT OFF ALL TIES to the male friend(s), seek counseling if necessary for your marriage and work at rebuilding the trust that you lost by being dishonest with your husband.

i am confident that his love for you and his commitment to the marriage will allow him to forgive you and learn to trust you again.

just make sure you don't break that trust again over someone you did not take life long vows with. maintaining a friendship is not worth losing a marriage IMO.

 

[Farida]

Why do you need these male friends so much?

To the point where you save photographs of them on your computer? I'm not talking pictures of things you did together, just photos of them?

What do you people talk about on the phone?


Why do you keep this a secret from your husband?


I agree, IMO married folk should only maintain opposite sex friendships with tried and true friends from the past. In this case, if and only if you didn't have any attraction, sexual or otherwise or some form of romantic history. Also, if these people are friends of your husband and your marriage. I mean that they will be friendly to your husband as well and are cheering your marriage on, not leading you into detrimental activities or telling you to leave when you really should be working on your relationship.

If you make new friends of the opposite sex, let them be mutual and limited. No long phone calls and intimate meetings and outings. No discussing vulnerabilities of your married life, or badmouthing your spouse to them. As above, they should be friends of your marriage too.

A lot of times in married life you have to consider your spouse and give up things you want or like if you want to maintain it. I have given up several friends, even girlfriends to accommodate my husband. I'm talking reasonable concessions.

Also, if you married well, a lot of times you will realize that your spouse is 100% correct about the inappropriateness of your relationship. DH didn't use to believe me when we were dating about the intentions of some of his female friends, co-workers and acquaintances but later he found out I was 100% right most of the times, and their true colors showed. Now he knows better. Sometimes I will meet an acquaintance and think everything is peachy and DH will point things out to me that I didn't notice. Sometimes it is a gender-difference issue. Men know each other. Women know each other. Men and women are clueless about each other most of the time.

You marriage is special and sacred (assuming your husband isn't a wack job and you made a huge mistake married him) and you need boundaries to protect its structure as well as preemptive actions to guard against infiltration.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Your male friends should be his friends too. I *personally* think that we [women] should be careful befriending men (married or single) without the involvement of our husbands. But again, this is my *personal* opinion and marital ethics I live by.

Pray about it, keep your ears open to His voice and act upon the direction you are commanded to take and He will honor your obedience.

 

[cocoberry10]

I hope these are old tried and true friendships you maintained prior to marriage. You can't have new male friends in a marriage unless your hubby approves sweetie. I'm going to keep my other thoughts and questions to myself.

I agree with this, and honestly OP, my question to you is...if you are married, why would you seek new male friends anyway. I can totally understand guys you grew up with, maybe even someone from the past where you have both TOTALLY moved on.

But my question is...why all the secrecy? I mean, if I were married, I would have to believe that I married someone I loved, and why would I need to hide a man from my husband??? THE MAN THAT LOVED ME ENOUGH TO PUT A RING ON MY FINGER AND ACTUALLY TAKE VOWS IN FRONT OF MAN AND GOD? Please help me understand the capitalized words!

 

[blackmaven]

I agree with this, and honestly OP, my question to you is...if you are married, why would you seek new male friends anyway. I can totally understand guys you grew up with, maybe even someone from the past where you have both TOTALLY moved on.

But my question is...why all the secrecy? I mean, if I were married, I would have to believe that I married someone I loved, and why would I need to hide a man from my husband??? THE MAN THAT LOVED ME ENOUGH TO PUT A RING ON MY FINGER AND ACTUALLY TAKE VOWS IN FRONT OF MAN AND GOD? Please help me understand the capitalized words!

My thoughts exactly. What's really going on?

 

[TRINITY05]

Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.

 

[syze6]

Are these friends you had before you said I do? If not than, the only man you need to have that you are chatting with is your husband. If your husband has to find out, you have these friends, that's a problem in itself. Why are you seeking male friends outside of the friendship with your husband. If they are co-workers or friends he has met than I don't see a problem. If not, PROBLEM!

 

[Evolving78]

old friend or new friend if you want your marriage to work, you have to let that go. it sounds to me like you haven't given up certain parts of your single life and something is going on with you and this man, that you are not willing to let go. i went through this with my dh. the trust i had for him is completeley gone. you need to figure out what you want to do and is it worth it.

 

[Evolving78]

Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.

ok now we are getting somewhere. it sounds like you are seeking for something that is not being fulfilled in your marriage. good for you for seeking counsel. i hope everything works out, but you have to let go of your friends first. that is the first step to healing. God Bless you and your marriage.

 

[lexi08]

Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.

Sounds like you need to let go of your friend and go to individual/marriage counseling.

 

[syze6]

Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.

You really can stop calling them if your heart truly desired that! My best friend was a guy from gradeschool through college. He got married and his wife was uncomfortable with out closeness. Although I loved my friend to death, I respected the wife's feelings. We gradually stopped talking and we don't anymore. I think of the times we shared and I wonder about his wife and children but I won't be the one that causes strife in their relationship!

 

[BackToMyRoots]

For the life of me I can't imagine why you would contemplate divorcing your husband of 4 years over this.

What kind of "friends" are these and why do you need so many?

Are they the type of friends that can come over for dinner with you and DH? Are you introducing him to them? If you keep them secret, then be honest with yourself and admit something else may be going on.

And I also don't think you should be acquiring male friends after you are married. If they are not mutual friends of you and your husband.....uh no.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I agree with this, and honestly OP, my question to you is...if you are married, why would you seek new male friends anyway. I can totally understand guys you grew up with, maybe even someone from the past where you have both TOTALLY moved on.

But my question is...why all the secrecy? I mean, if I were married, I would have to believe that I married someone I loved, and why would I need to hide a man from my husband??? THE MAN THAT LOVED ME ENOUGH TO PUT A RING ON MY FINGER AND ACTUALLY TAKE VOWS IN FRONT OF MAN AND GOD? Please help me understand the capitalized words!

OP: This is what's really getting at him

 

[syze6]

OP... have you ever had any "relations" with these friends? Do you have any attraction or does he? Maybe you like the attention of the other friend and you KNOW he may be attracted to you.

Which makes it even worse, because you are feeding into it. If you are contemplating divorce, than it really sounds like some crap in the game. Why is it so hard to choose, if you have to?

What's the deal with your friend and his SO. Does he even have on and what does she think? I'd bet her feelings aren't far off from yur husband. Although it doesn't sound as if your friend is saving any pictures of you. I so sure that would have come up in a conversation, about his SO finding them.

What is really going on?

 

[avyance]

Ok, I was just in your situation in May.

Ok, first thing.....do you really think that these so called "friends" would leave their marriage for you??? I mean really.....

At some point, there are some things that you will have to do for your marriage that you may not necessarily agree with, but after weighing your priorities you figure out that it really isn't that important.

Sorry to say, I don't think this is about your husband, but it is about you deciding how important is your marriage and what you will or will not do to stay true to your vows.

How would you feel if you went in his email and found emails from old female friends that you were not told about??

I hope it all works out for you and you figure out which direction you want to take! Many hugs!!

 

[dlovely]

You really can stop calling them if your heart truly desired that! My best friend was a guy from gradeschool through college. He got married and his wife was uncomfortable with out closeness. Although I loved my friend to death, I respected the wife's feelings. We gradually stopped talking and we don't anymore. I think of the times we shared and I wonder about his wife and children but I won't be the one that causes strife in their relationship!

I 100% totally agree with the bold

 

[Xavier]

I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I am not even married so I won't give you any advice... but something just doesn't sound right about the above statement you made. I hope it all works out for you and your hubby OP.

 

[Summer_Rain]

It sounds like these friends are giving you something that you feel is missing from your marriage/hubby?

Is it attention maybe?

 

[tocktick]

if these dudes you are talking to are not friends you had before you got married (that your dh was aware of) or mutual friends, i can understand how suspicious he is of you especially since this has happened repeatedly. having a picture of another man is strange too. under what circumstances did he send you that and why was it stored on your comp?

i think most women would find it odd if their man acquired a new female friend that he talked to regularly and her photo was saved on his computer. you can see how shady that seems.

i don't think this is something you should divorce over. you're not blameless in what lead up to the rift between you two, so you can't act unreasonable when it comes to how he is reacting towards you. i think you need to save your marriage and that means marriage counselling if need be. you need to repairing the trust in your marriage takes a lot of work and time.

eta: i've just seen your update post. imo, you have to figure out if your husband is really being unreasonable or if it's time to put your husband before this friend. i agree with the person who said the secrecy is probably the bigger issue. why keep the friend a secret? did you fool him into believing you stopped contacting this friend? i still say you should go ahead with counselling. your husband has a right to be upset.

 

[Farida]

Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.

RED flags! Yes you definitely need counseling. I can talk to DH about anything, and when I feel I can't, I ask myself a hard "why?" Is it because I want to talk smack about him? Is it because I want to keep secrets from him?

It is one thing to want to have a friend to talk to every often, or esp a female friend when you need some "girl" talk, but if you have to rely on someone else exclusively, there's trouble.

So ask yourself, what is it you don't want DH to know about you or about your marriage?

Or, is he unapproachable or inattentive?