Marriage And "living Your Life"

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gimbap

Well-Known Member
I was having a conversation with 2 ladies about marriage. One lady is 35, the other is 26. I’m almost 24. I told them that I wanted to at least be engaged in the next 2 years. They went on and on about how getting married young holds you back and prohibits you from fully living your life. I was like, what do you mean? The main reason was that they wanted to travel and see the world. I was like :huh: how does getting married stop you from doing that? Do you think getting married “holds you back”? To the ladies that got married “young” (to them, marrying young is >30 years old), do you feel like you didn’t get to live your life fully before settling down?
 
gimbap said:
No, with no prospects.
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That's very telling.


My thoughts: There are some people who didn't want to marry "young," and there are some people who truly enjoy their singleness. That's great.

OR... they're so "stuck" in singleness (that they may not want), that they don't see marriage as an option that one can actually choose, so they figure you might as well "life your life" instead of "worrying" about some husband that may not come (in their minds).

However, those people don't need to be giving advice to people who choose to marry at a certain age. The advice they are giving is not applicable to your life and would actually be likely to hinder your goals and put you into a place that YOU don't want for your life.


I think many of us need to be very careful whom we talk to about marriage and relationships. It's sad that we even have to do this, but I'm discovering this odd phenomenon that if you even express a desire to be married (among some groups), you will get so much negativity, it's ridiculous.

I could see if you were 20 and saying this. 24 and simply saying you want to be engaged in a few years? What the heck is wrong with that?
 
Bunny77 said:
I could see if you were 20 and saying this. 24 and simply saying you want to be engaged in a few years? What the heck is wrong with that?
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The 35 year old was trying to say that me being from the South was the reason I wanted to get married "young". From there it went on about how the South is backwards and Southern women just want to be maids and nannies for their husbands and children...:blah: The entire conversation gave me a headache.
 
I'm surrounded by a married coup @ work and they always tell me...wait, wait, wait! (Men & Women) Some of my aunties share that sentiment also. I'm hoping to be married in the next year or so myself b/c I've done all the traveling, living life on the edge that a youngin' is suppose to do.

I didn't plan it that way, that's the way the cards fell pretty much. My baby isn't a jet-setter like me so I'm happy I've gon' to the places that he would prolly find undesirable. Also he is not a big fan of the girlfriend trips...mainly my fault tho'. But for me and whom I think I'm going to marry this advice fits.

But hey every relationship is diff...I wouldn't PURPOSELY stall marriage for the sake of just "living my life".
 
I wouldn't put much stock into it coming from a single person.

But I've had LOTS of married women tell me the same thing. I don't nec. think they're lying either. JMHO.
 
^^^I think one has to trust themselves on this.

Putting myself out there for a minute... I finished college at 23 (including a master's degree). I had already traveled to a number of different countries while I was in college, and lived in a few different states. I wasn't looking to marry at 23, so when I was done with college, I had fun "living life" and enjoying living in a new state.

It was all good, and I don't regret a bit of it.

By 27-28, however, I felt that I had done all of the "living life" that I needed to do as a single woman. Because I had done so much already, hearing people tell me to keep "living my life" and not think about marriage was absolutely laughable. I mean, what more did I need to do alone and by myself? Why did they feel it was so important for me to stay alone, when it was clear that I had been "living" and "discovering myself" and all that jazz?

I'm thinking that the OP, by the time she is married (if she gets married in the time range she wants) will have had the same opportunities to "live her life" in those years. There comes a time, if you want to be married, where "living your life" can become overkill if it goes on too long, IMO.
 
gimbap said:
The 35 year old was trying to say that me being from the South was the reason I wanted to get married "young". From there it went on about how the South is backwards and Southern women just want to be maids and nannies for their husbands and children...:blah: The entire conversation gave me a headache.
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The funny thing is, 26-27 is the average age of first marriage NATIONALLY, so if you married at those ages, that is not "young."

I think of "young" as 25 and under... but some women on this board married at 23 and are now in their early 30s and don't regret a thing.


Anyway, I just wouldn't say a darn thing around those women. They sound like they have issues in general.
 
Being married does not mean you cannot continue to live and enjoy life. I have done more travelling as a married woman than I did as a single woman. My husband and I also still go to clubs because we love music and dancing. The fact that we have some interests in common helps.
 
Everything is a trade-off and for all the losses, why dont people talk about everything you gain? If folk feel like getting married is such a negative thing, then just dont do it. I also have to ask those folks who are in the *wait* group who are married, who exactly are you married to? I think the biggest thing for me is not having been able to realize the full potential of my career based on geographical locations primarily dictated by my dh's job. But I can list off several things I feel have offset that "loss" and made it more than worth it for *me*. I think the biggest thing would be delaying having kids in terms of "freedom" and "living your life", hell even women with kids who arent married will tell you that. I guess it all depends on what type of life you want to live.
 
Having a husband only holds you back if you allow it. In terms of travel, many girlfriends travel together, leaving their hubbies to fend for themselves, and many wives have active, fulfilling lives outside of their husbands. Kids, now that's another story . . .
 
I don't think marriage itself will hold you back. I think it's about who you marry. If you have similar goals and interests, that makes a big difference. In a marriage, sacrafices will have to be made and if one person is doing all the sacraficing, that causes problems. However, if both parties know what's important to the other and are willing to make sacrafices and compromise on certain things, I don't see why there would be a problem.

I made the mistake of being with a person who always put my needs second. I allowed him to do so and I was held back. I blame myself for allowing that to happen but I do know married couples who travel, waited a long time to have children and just enjoyed life as a couple until they were ready to add to their family and settle down. If you get married to someone just because you feel that you are at a place in your life where you would like to be married, you may put the things that are most important to you second and not really focus on who you're marrying and how that will affect your future. Some people are more in love with the idea of being someone's wife than they are with their husband or FH. These are the same folks who end up getting divorced three times before the age of 35.

I understand goals and wanting to be at a certain place but don't get too caught up deadlines. All relationships are different. When you get married, you are planning to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you put yourself in a situation where you are marrying someone who has nothing in common with you and you end up having to give up too much of yourself, you will not be happy and being married, just to be married is not worth all that but if you find someone that makes you happy and will not hold you back, by all means, go for it.
 
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Listen if you want to marry young and you find the right person do it, don't listen to naysayers. There will be ppl. who will discourage you with EVERYTHING you want to do in your life.

Ppl. always try to discourage me because I do not want to be married right now at 24, maybe in 2-3 years.
 
I got married young. I don't feel it held me back. I have done 98% of my travel with DH. He supports my career incentives, he moved with me so I could go to the school of my choice. After I'm done with my current degree we'll move so I can support him.

It all depends on what you want and what your man is willing to give. And that applies to you as well in his case.

As Bint says, there is a trade-off. For example, while I love my school and all, I don't like this new location, and if I were alone I would get up and leave to go somewhere else. But, as a married woman, I have to remember that DH has a full-time job, and with the state of the economy, it was hard enough for him to get this job, let alone for us to move and try and find another one.

I also don't like that now that we are both away from family, we both get to see our families even less, because we are away, and when we can go visit, we have to pick one or the other to see. So we're spending 1/2 the time we could be.

My program also requires a lot of hours of class and work, so sometimes I have to pick between going out with friends and hanging out with DH. He wouldn't tell me not to go with friends, but if I've been working 10-12hrs a day on my school work and haven't had time for him, it would be pretty messed up if every weekend I ditched him to do my own thing. That's just asking for trouble.

If you want to make all your own decisions without taking anyone into account, then don't get married any time soon. If you have things you want to do, and can find a man who is willing, sky is the limit.

Yes, I have little time outside of school and DH, but I also get someone who support and loves me everyday, financially and all. My single pals complain about getting home too drained to cook. DH makes me dinner on those days. He cheers me up when I feel I can't make it.

There are trade offs, but IMO it is worth it.
 
Oh yeah, and as growwithme pointed out, I do think kids change your life the most. Marriage without kids is very flexible. When both of us were working it was even better because we had a lot more money to do stuff.
 
It depends on the people in the marriage. There are some people and I don't get it, that feel that after they get married their every waking moment has to be about their spouse. I see women do this way more than men. Then I know some couples who have been married for years and although they do things together, they also do a lot of things apart and don't have a problem with. They don't share all the same friends and there are things one like to do that the other don't. It is what it is. They even take separate vacations as well as vacations together. A lot of people look at them like they are crazy but those same people ironically are not that happy in their marriages. So it all depends on the individuals and whether or not they have a realistic or fairy tale view of marriage.
 
When I hear married people discouraging marriage..I'm like dang is it THAT bad? If it's someone single saying this, it goes in one ear and out the other because I bet as soon as they find a willing man..they would RUN down that aisle having a wedding with all the trimmings.
 
Being married has increased "Living my life".

Having kids has not stopped us from travelling just about every year.

I imagine it'll get even better as time goes on.
 
Bint Yusef said:
Everything is a trade-off and for all the losses, why dont people talk about everything you gain? If folk feel like getting married is such a negative thing, then just dont do it. I also have to ask those folks who are in the *wait* group who are married, who exactly are you married to? I think the biggest thing for me is not having been able to realize the full potential of my career based on geographical locations primarily dictated by my dh's job. But I can list off several things I feel have offset that "loss" and made it more than worth it for *me*. I think the biggest thing would be delaying having kids in terms of "freedom" and "living your life", hell even women with kids who arent married will tell you that. I guess it all depends on what type of life you want to live.
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I really appreciate this perspective. :yep: I think that a lot of the married people who tell me to appreciate my singleness are doing so in order to make me feel better about being single. It really doesn't work and it's disingenuous to talk solely about the struggles of being married without discussing its blessings and joys. I intend to enjoy both seasons of life without decrying the other. :yep:
 
Bint Yusef said:
Everything is a trade-off and for all the losses, why dont people talk about everything you gain? If folk feel like getting married is such a negative thing, then just dont do it. I also have to ask those folks who are in the *wait* group who are married, who exactly are you married to? I think the biggest thing for me is not having been able to realize the full potential of my career based on geographical locations primarily dictated by my dh's job. But I can list off several things I feel have offset that "loss" and made it more than worth it for *me*. I think the biggest thing would be delaying having kids in terms of "freedom" and "living your life", hell even women with kids who arent married will tell you that. I guess it all depends on what type of life you want to live.
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That is the route I took. My husband and I are going on our fourth year in marriage. We've been together for seven years altogether. People look at us sideways because we don't have children yet, especially since we live in the South. However, we wanted to have more flexibility for the first years of our marriage, especially since we don't have family living nearby for baby sitting options, like many people have.

Although I can think of one notable exception in my circle, most couples who have kids are more stationary than those who do not. I don't think early marriage would present as many "living your life" hindrances as early parenthood.
 
In my opinion it does depending on what you and your husband consider "living your life". In any case your decisions usually have to take your spouses' into consideration taking a lot of spontaneity out of things,
 
I don't think it holds you back, BUT you do have to consider the other person's needs before doing things. I got married at 23 yo and Dh was 32. Instead of jumping up to go travel with friends and go out for lunch, I had to 'check in' with Dh to see if it was okay, as I would expect him to do. I didn't finish college at that time because I was consumed with being a wife and mother, BUT that was a choice I made. As someone mentioned earlier, there is freedom doing things as a couple without children. When they come into the picture, you would have rethink things than before.
 
NYAmicas said:
In my opinion it does depending on what you and your husband consider "living your life". In any case your decisions usually have to take your spouses' into consideration taking a lot of spontaneity out of things,
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ITA, does it mean clubbing or spending weekend out of town with friends or just living like you were single? It depends:ohwell:.
 
gimbap said:
...do you feel like you didn’t get to live your life fully before settling down?
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Nope. I met DH when I was 25 (I got married at 27). Sure I was thankful for the time I had to hang out with friends beforehand, but I was also happy about starting that new chapter in my life. :yep: Plus, not only did I travel with DH as I did with my friends, I also introduced him into my circle of friends and included him in the fun on multiple occassions. IMO, it's less about age and more about being at a point in your life where you are ready to "settle down". There are plenty of people in their 20s who are ready to turn that page and many people in their 30s (and beyond) who aren't. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you (in your heart of hearts) know that you are ready for all the changes that marriage brings to your life, don't let the naysayers tell you otherwise. ;)
 
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