Marriage And "living Your Life"

[DMJ's Mom]

I'm 25 and got married when I was 24. DH supports me in everything I want to do. Even when I wanted to deploy for 7-13 months he fully supported me. If my girls want to have a girls night out he tries to push me out the house to go join them even if I'm not really feeling it. I think that as long as you and your hubby are strong in your relationship there is nothing that will stop you from living your life fully.

 

[PhiLee]

I'm 30 and have been married for 4 years. I've traveled all over the world (with my husband and alone) during my marriage. We've danced, laughed, partied, and pledged...lived in the greatest city in the world and matriculated through 3 Ivy League Universities. I love our life, and am so glad that I didn't listen to all of the folks who claimed it couldn't be done.

As an aside-- I'm southern too.

My only regret, if you can call it that, is that I never LIVED overseas...but having an amazing life with the person I love is worth it.

One more thing-- we talked about our life goals BEFORE we tied the knot: he knew I wanted to get a doc and see the world, I knew he loves his work and hoped to advance quickly. We also talked about kids...whether/how many/what age.

I think all that stuff matters too.

 

[CandiceC]

I married at 23, four years ago. DH is very work oriented and I am also so this works in our favor. We work outside of the house on opposite schedules and meet in the middle. When one person is gone the other has time to work on our hustles at home. I'm not expecting him to sit up under me or vice versa. I actually like/need the space.

We do need to travel more. He's the one I want to travel with anyway.


Kids would add another element neither of us is ready for.

 

[ebonylocs]

I wouldn't necessarily conclude that they "have issues". They aren't saying anything that isn't said or hinted at a million times in every day conversation, wedding toasts / jokes, the fact that the Spanish word for wife and handcuffs are the same, etc etc.

I know that at 26 marriage was not even a thread of an objective for me. It didn't even feature. I remember around that age I was saving to go to study in a foreign country, and when an older guy I knew found out that I was saving he asked if I was saving to get married, and my response was "Married?! erplexed ... Married?! ", like "What kind of crazy idea is that?" But in retrospect it was a perfectly ordinary question - just shows how the very idea of marriage was alien and shocking as applied *me* personally (despite having grown up in a close two-parent family, where the expectation was marriage or nothing, etc.)

However, even at that time, I would NEVER have told a young friend who wanted to get married, "You shouldn't do it, it will prevent you from living your life... blah blah blah." The main problem is people assuming others have their own preferences and trying to tell them what they want or should want and how they should live their lives. Like a poster said earlier, know yourself, do what makes you happy, and that's that.

Again, as was said earlier, it all depends on who you marry and your relationship with that person. I do know a few men who think that their wives' lives should revolve around them, and that their wives' *main* (or only) purpose is to be their cheerleader and "helpmeet". So I know a few women who have been "held back" by their marriages - not being able to move geographically for their own careers, sacrificing their own career progress for their husband's, not travelling as they would like for personal development / fun etc. However, that is mainly in the previous generation, and there are many men out there who do not have this mindset. So choose wisely.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

^^^I think one has to trust themselves on this.

Putting myself out there for a minute... I finished college at 23 (including a master's degree). I had already traveled to a number of different countries while I was in college, and lived in a few different states. I wasn't looking to marry at 23, so when I was done with college, I had fun "living life" and enjoying living in a new state.

It was all good, and I don't regret a bit of it.

By 27-28, however, I felt that I had done all of the "living life" that I needed to do as a single woman. Because I had done so much already, hearing people tell me to keep "living my life" and not think about marriage was absolutely laughable. I mean, what more did I need to do alone and by myself? Why did they feel it was so important for me to stay alone, when it was clear that I had been "living" and "discovering myself" and all that jazz?

I'm thinking that the OP, by the time she is married (if she gets married in the time range she wants) will have had the same opportunities to "live her life" in those years. There comes a time, if you want to be married, where "living your life" can become overkill if it goes on too long, IMO.

I agree.

However, I don't believe that every married woman that tells me to "get your single life out FIRST" is saying it with malicious intent or even to make me feel better about being single. A lot of these women have been married for years, and are truly attempting to offer me the best advice possible. I'd rather hear this this way, than hear about nothing but positive, but that's just the type of person I am. *shrug* I'm more apt to listen to this type of advice than the, "marriage is great all the time, and all the time marriage is great <inserting pageant smile>" advice.

The fact is; marriage is NOT 100% easy and is not all fun and games. Also, for a lot of people you DO have to make adjustments that may coincide with your ability to "do you." If it were easy, fun, and happy-happy-joy-joy, there wouldn't be as many divorces as there are today and generally more people would want to do it. I think marriage is great (for some), but there is nothing wrong with accepting the reality that it for a lot of people it may require a change in lifestyle. And for a lot of people, those changes aren't things that seem beneficial to them. I on't see nothing wrong with them (married women, or women that I see as viable) saying it. *shrugs again (lol)*

 

[inthepink]

I was having a conversation with 2 ladies about marriage. One lady is 35, the other is 26. I’m almost 24. I told them that I wanted to at least be engaged in the next 2 years. They went on and on about how getting married young holds you back and prohibits you from fully living your life. I was like, what do you mean? The main reason was that they wanted to travel and see the world. I was like how does getting married stop you from doing that? Do you think getting married “holds you back”? To the ladies that got married “young” (to them, marrying young is >30 years old), do you feel like you didn’t get to live your life fully before settling down?

I think people just have different perspectives on it.

I hear some people say they wished they had waited to get married so that they could have done more etc etc and how hard it was being so young.

On the other hand, those who are older wished they had gotten married younger so they could have gotten it out of the way.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both situations - I guess just like most everything else in life.

If you marry and have children young, you can travel with your children and you'll still be "young" when they are older so that you and your hubby can travel together!

Marrying older, well, hopefully you got to do a lot of things before then and being older, hopefully you have more wisdom and knowledge about things.

 

[LadieCrn]

everyone has an opinion. Know what you want to do and take the opinions with a grain of salt.

 

[SEMO]

When I hear married people discouraging marriage..I'm like dang is it THAT bad? If it's someone single saying this, it goes in one ear and out the other because I bet as soon as they find a willing man..they would RUN down that aisle having a wedding with all the trimmings.

Exactly. To me it's better to own up to wanting to be married, even with no current prospects, than to lie and pretend to not want to get married. What if someone would have approached you but decided not to b/c you keep putting it out there that you don't want a man/husband?

I really appreciate this perspective. I think that a lot of the married people who tell me to appreciate my singleness are doing so in order to make me feel better about being single. It really doesn't work and it's disingenuous to talk solely about the struggles of being married without discussing its blessings and joys. I intend to enjoy both seasons of life without decrying the other.

I agree with every word of this post. I know that there are things you have to give up from your single life when getting married, but I also know that most people who get married wouldn't want to go back to living as a single. That's why most who divorce get re-married.

 

[gimbap]

Exactly. To me it's better to own up to wanting to be married, even with no current prospects, than to lie and pretend to not want to get married.

I think this is the real issue with them, esp. the 35 year old. She hasn't even had a date in years. She says she doesn't want to get married, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking she's just giving up hope that she will ever meet somebody that wants to marry her.

 

[Bunny77]

I wouldn't necessarily conclude that they "have issues". They aren't saying anything that isn't said or hinted at a million times in every day conversation, wedding toasts / jokes, the fact that the Spanish word for wife and handcuffs are the same, etc etc.

I said that they had issues because they were talking about Southern women only wanting to be maids and nannies for their husbands and blah blah blah.

But everything else you said in your post, I completely agree!

I agree.

However, I don't believe that every married woman that tells me to "get your single life out FIRST" is saying it with malicious intent or even to make me feel better about being single. A lot of these women have been married for years, and are truly attempting to offer me the best advice possible. I'd rather hear this this way, than hear about nothing but positive, but that's just the type of person I am. *shrug* I'm more apt to listen to this type of advice than the, "marriage is great all the time, and all the time marriage is great <inserting pageant smile>" advice.

The fact is; marriage is NOT 100% easy and is not all fun and games. Also, for a lot of people you DO have to make adjustments that may coincide with your ability to "do you." If it were easy, fun, and happy-happy-joy-joy, there wouldn't be as many divorces as there are today and generally more people would want to do it. I think marriage is great (for some), but there is nothing wrong with accepting the reality that it for a lot of people it may require a change in lifestyle. And for a lot of people, those changes aren't things that seem beneficial to them. I on't see nothing wrong with them (married women, or women that I see as viable) saying it. *shrugs again (lol)*

I think what would be helpful is for those married women to present both sides of the story. I wouldn't want married women to go, "Oh, my life is all flowers and rainbows and bunny rabbits since I've gotten married!"

Yeah right... I KNOW that some days they want to strangle their husbands and hide the body! I'd like to hear that just as much as the positive.

So I kinda see it the same way if I hear ALL negatives from married women (unless their marriages are just that bad). It's like, yeah, I know marriage is tough, but give me the real deal on BOTH sides -- negative and positive.

I do agree too that if they married young and didn't get a chance to accomplish certain goals, they're being sincere in telling younger single women to take their time before marriage. I understand that... I think I just want some balance.

But in the OP's case, with two single women with no prospects making those statements... they really need to keep their mouths shut!

 

[Shandell]

I got married at 22, and he was 24; we have been joyfully married and fulfilled for 7 years, and my life is all good.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

That's very telling.

I think many of us need to be very careful whom we talk to about marriage and relationships. It's sad that we even have to do this, but I'm discovering this odd phenomenon that if you even express a desire to be married (among some groups), you will get so much negativity, it's ridiculous.
quote]

I agree with this statement 100%. There's a very very small group of people (2) i talk to about relationships. most times i come on here and then perhaps share some of the info with my 2 real life peeps.

I have nothing to hide but i noticed in the past that i shared too much..

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I was having a conversation with 2 ladies about marriage. One lady is 35, the other is 26. I’m almost 24. I told them that I wanted to at least be engaged in the next 2 years. They went on and on about how getting married young holds you back and prohibits you from fully living your life. I was like, what do you mean? The main reason was that they wanted to travel and see the world. I was like how does getting married stop you from doing that? Do you think getting married “holds you back”? To the ladies that got married “young” (to them, marrying young is >30 years old), do you feel like you didn’t get to live your life fully before settling down?

Don't believe the hype, my sister.

I don't think marriage holds you back from accomplishing anything you set your mind to - and works within the marriage.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

No, with no prospects.

Not surprised.

Please don't listen to them. That strategy, which is sounds logical, is one of the reasons, I'm sure, why there are so many unmarried professional Black women. If marriage is important to you, then go for it. Don't listen to no ole bitter, single broads. Misery loves company.

 

[Southernbella.]

I was having a conversation with 2 ladies about marriage. One lady is 35, the other is 26. I’m almost 24. I told them that I wanted to at least be engaged in the next 2 years. They went on and on about how getting married young holds you back and prohibits you from fully living your life. I was like, what do you mean? The main reason was that they wanted to travel and see the world. I was like how does getting married stop you from doing that? Do you think getting married “holds you back”? To the ladies that got married “young” (to them, marrying young is >30 years old), do you feel like you didn’t get to live your life fully before settling down?

It's not marriage that ties you down, it's children. Get married whenever you want, but DON'T HAVE KIDS!

 

[SleekandBouncy]

Ah the good ole' American philosophy to relationship and marriage. I think that's the MTV generation mantra. I hear it so often.

What folks really mean when they say that is marriage will get in the way of me sexing other folks or I'll have to involve another person in my decision making. Now marriage isn't for everyone, and it isn't certain people at certain ages, but this absolute idea that marriage is automatically a no-go before a certain age is silly to me.

 

[ebonylocs]

If it's someone single saying this, it goes in one ear and out the other because I bet as soon as they find a willing man..they would RUN down that aisle having a wedding with all the trimmings.

Exactly. To me it's better to own up to wanting to be married, even with no current prospects, than to lie and pretend to not want to get married. What if someone would have approached you but decided not to b/c you keep putting it out there that you don't want a man/husband?.

There we go again. Assuming everyone has the same preferences. When will people stop doing this. I guess never, based on what I've seen on this topic on this board.

Some women who say they don't want to get married (either for the moment, or ever) mean exactly that. For them, it's not a face-saving or coping device - it's a preference. All of my friends who want to get married have *no* problem saying it. Why would they hide it? What's the shame? At the same time, I know a few people who really.don't.care and would not be running down no aisle as soon as a man popped up (Are marriage-minded men really that scarce? Meu deus - its seems like that's all I meet.) Hell, some of them have had a few offers.

This characterisation of women makes them seem childish, desperate and either lacking in self-awareness, or hypocritical. In a word, pathetic. When an adult says something, I do them the courtesy and give them the credit of assuming that they know their own mind, unless they do something to prove otherwise.

OTOH, and on the same note, I do agree that the two ladies should have kept their mouth shut and MTOB.

 

[barbiesocialite]

when I was a bit younger I bought into the whole "live your life first" bs, however, now I'm older and wiser and realize that family & marriage are far more of a priority than being a free-living bachelorette. Besides, I've already lived a fun-loving single life far more interesting and diverse than most 40 year olds so what's there left for me to experience? bungee-jumping?! I can do that and other things I love/would like to do with my spouse.

Beyond dating becoming more difficult for women as they age, I dont wanna be some old mother chasing kids while I'm in a walker...def not the bizness. Fortunately, my SO also shares this POV along with similar life experiences so I'm pretty much counting on being engaged by the end of the year (if even that long)....

Furthermore, I have no sympathy for 30+ women complaining about being single that were busy chasing after money and status versus being proactive in finding a compatible spouse just as intensely as they are chasing their career. If being married was such an important aspect of their life they should have worked on it instead of wasting literally their entire social life in an office building during their twenties.

There are a lot of sad beautiful women in with their big ole house with a luxury car parked out front, eating ice cream and spending cold winter nights all by their lonesome....

 

[Hairsofab]

I understand what they meant by that. I think there is that perception about married life. One of my friends is married (but she wears the pants in the relationship) and she does what she wants and travels with him and by herself etc.

 

[kurlybella]

There we go again. Assuming everyone has the same preferences. When will people stop doing this. I guess never, based on what I've seen on this topic on this board.

Some women who say they don't want to get married (either for the moment, or ever) mean exactly that. For them, it's not a face-saving or coping device - it's a preference. All of my friends who want to get married have *no* problem saying it. Why would they hide it? What's the shame? At the same time, I know a few people who really.don't.care and would not be running down no aisle as soon as a man popped up (Are marriage-minded men really that scarce? Meu deus - its seems like that's all I meet.) Hell, some of them have had a few offers.

This characterisation of women makes them seem childish, desperate and either lacking in self-awareness, or hypocritical. In a word, pathetic. When an adult says something, I do them the courtesy and give them the credit of assuming that they know their own mind, unless they do something to prove otherwise.

OTOH, and on the same note, I do agree that the two ladies should have kept their mouth shut and MTOB.

i agree. you become an alien from outter space if you think differently about having children or marriage.

because we alllllllllllll knnnowwwwwwww that allllllllll women want to have kids and want to be married. life is incomplete without it. god made us all alike in that sense.

 

[Transformer]

Married-long, long, long, long time.
I've found that marriage and travel plans are a compromise. Haven't filed for divorce, but making traveling/vacation plans for two is a challenge. He doesn't like to fly, only direct flights, when the moon is full, doesn't like hot weather, yada, yada, yada!

I understand their point but if you find Mr. Mister....go for it and allow for special interest traveling with a group if Mr. Mister isn't amicable.

 

[missann]

i agree. you become an alien from outter space if you think differently about having children or marriage.

because we alllllllllllll knnnowwwwwwww that allllllllll women want to have kids and want to be married. life is incomplete without it. god made us all alike in that sense.

Yep. If you don't pine away at thoughts of marriage, surely you're a liar and using disinterest as a coping mechanism.

 

[chelsea1]

I don't think it holds you back if you have the right person by your side.

My husband and I travel with the kids several times a year. This is something we all love to do.

Now if it's somewhere I want to go or something I want to do, and he is not interested in doing it...ok.......SEE YOU WHEN I GET BACK! And he is very understanding about it.....and vice versa.

I believe in living life to the fullest, Married or not! ....life is to short!

 

[Laela]

People marry for different reasons; not everyone marries for love. IMHO, if two people marry simply because they love/respect each other, their married life should be fulfilling and neither person should feel of any "lack", have regrets or feel like they can't "live" life... that's very sad to married and feel this way.