A very audible 'damn' came when reading this. This is like a tequila shot with tequila chaser.
But she brought up a very good point.
Recently I was out to dinner with a group of female friends. Demographically speaking, they were of diverse ethnicities (Black American, East Asian, Middle Eastern), but similar socio-eocnomic/educational profiles (grad degrees; urban professionals).
One had recently gotten out of a long term partnership--I believe they were together 9-10 years. Anyway, I knew they had been having problems for some time, but I didn't know the specifics, just that the man in question had a negative vibe about him whenever I would encounter him.
She revealed why they had broken up: she discovered that he had a wife in another state, with whom he had maintained good relations throughout the entire 9 year r'ship with my friend. My friend had lived with this man full-time, owned property with him, etc. etc. Their names were jointly listed on deeds, they owned a small business together, he had a full time job here in the city where my friend lives, etc. Apparently he had been telling her that his occasional (I think once a month) visits to that other state were due to his elderly grandparents living there (and they really did live there, because my friend had met them once in the past).
It was a shocking revelation.
But imagine my greater shock when--to a woman--each and every other woman at the table revealed that she, too, had been contacted by a woman informing them that their boyfriend was in fact that woman's husband.
I thought they were pulling my leg, because surely 95% of a table full of women could not have had the same outrageous experiences.
Sadly, it is not an outrageous experience. People have been double-timing each other since the beginning of recorded history. It COULD happen to any one of us here, if it already hasn't.
Now, if I feel secure and comfortable in my relationship (which I do), I'm not going to be looking around me to try to actively seek out hints of cheating or bigamy or what have you. But I will also not blind myself to signs; I will keep my usual alert senses about me and keep my antennae up so that if something seems awry, I don't sweep it under the rug.
I will also suggest that before living with or marrying someone, you should take my mommy' s advice and hire a private investigator/do a background search on this man you are about to link your life to. Only trouble is for those of us with SOs raised in other countries than our own, it might be more difficult/costly to do a proper investigation.
All the searches in the world cannot make up for a lack of trust and communication from the get-go, though. Neither will it stop him from doing wrong later on down the line. But, at least you are not going in completely blind. Especially with the frightening specters of AIDS, HPV, etc, we need to be our own best advocates.
) It is a fatal mistake to confront your man with your suspicions and/or evidence and not be prepared to walk. Once he sees that you will stay or that he can talk his way out of the situation he is bound to:
That was one of the the realest of the real responses I've ever seen. Not what a lot of women want to hear, especially when its the truth. 
