Letter i plan to send to my bf.....need help with how it sounds

[classycrimson]

I'm not trying to judge your situation...but just to give you some perspective...

My SO and I live 2 hrs away from each other. He works over 70 hrs a week in a high stress job and has a part-time job...and still makes it down to see me 2-3 times EVERY week...and leaves at 4AM in the morning to drive alll the way to work....hundreds per month extra in gas and tolls. I don't have to ask him to do this...he does it happily. He refuses to let me drive and see him most of the time cuz there is more traffic coming my way than his and he doesnt want me to be out late driving if I dont have to when he can make it easier for me...and he wants to protect me. He makesw sure that we spend quality time 2gether and even when he is super busy will call me quickly to say he loves me or is thinking about me...and will text, email, send pics, etc... I also work almost every weekend in addition to the 9-5 (i sing)...and this past weekend I had a show but he had to work....and he drove 6 hrs in traffic...after he worked 10 hrs on a SATURDAY to come and see the END of my show (which was over 3 hrs from where I live).

I have heard of men doing much more. Trust me....when they want to, they really do step up to the plate...and you are SO worth one who will That's all we're trying to say.

To say he's not interested without all the facts is jumping to conclusion. No one but me and him truely know our relationship...and granted ur only seeing one side of the story. You all dont know all the things ive done like not wanting to hangout as friends when we first met....to making him come see me and not the other way around.

You have to realize that we do live 1 hr apart without traffic although we live in the same city. And he knows i dont like to drive on his side of town....so unless he wants to drive an hour hangout for a couple of hours and then drive back an 1, its a little much to ask sometimes.

Hanging out during the week is hard b/c we both have very unusal schedules and pretty much work all day during the week.

I really do appreciate the advice about not sending the letter...thanks.....but please dont give blanket respones without knowing whats going on in our relationship. B/c even now....if he really wanted to leave he would....he wouldnt talk about marriage and he wouldnt call me first all the time.

 

[CandiceC]

I'm not trying to judge your situation...but just to give you some perspective...

My SO and I live 2 hrs away from each other. He works over 70 hrs a week in a high stress job and has a part-time job...and still makes it down to see me 2-3 times EVERY week...and leaves at 4AM in the morning to drive alll the way to work....hundreds per month extra in gas and tolls. I don't have to ask him to do this...he does it happily. He refuses to let me drive and see him most of the time cuz there is more traffic coming my way than his and he doesnt want me to be out late driving if I dont have to when he can make it easier for me...and he wants to protect me. He makesw sure that we spend quality time 2gether and even when he is super busy will call me quickly to say he loves me or is thinking about me...and will text, email, send pics, etc... I also work almost every weekend in addition to the 9-5 (i sing)...and this past weekend I had a show but he had to work....and he drove 6 hrs in traffic...after he worked 10 hrs on a SATURDAY to come and see the END of my show (which was over 3 hrs from where I live).

I have heard of men doing much more. Trust me....when they want to, they really do step up to the plate...and you are SO worth one who will That's all we're trying to say.

Right. We're just trying to help, Ricaross.

 

[Tamrin]

I agree with Classy. Riccaross, the ladies are trying to help you. How old are you btw? If you do not mind me asking. Your original letter is an insight of what is going on in your relationship. As I see it as a person on the outside looking in. I'm seeing someone who is neglected and excuses are being used to distance himself from you. (I have made those excuses in the past.. ie. work, gym, family, distance, tired etc). I would not advise you to send this letter because it will fall on deaf ears. I think the best thing to do is to distance yourself a bit and allow him to seek you out. Asking for him to spend time with you will look to him as if you are the one needing him more than he needs you.

So for the next few weeks, do not call, do not seek him out for any reason. When her wants to see you. You are busy. Find other things to do rather than him. Get a mani and pedi, luch with your girls, a good book heck buy yourself flowers. Discover your inner fabulousness. I stole this from TV, remember how this letter will look to him.
"I cannot control how Im perceived, I can only control how Im presented"

 

[bun-bun]

Wow! Just thought I'd chime in here and for the most part agree with everyone. Sometimes we want our relationships or the hint of one to work so badly we can't see or hear straight. This is not really about ignoring him to make him pay you attention. It's about your own self-worth. Love yourself more than anyone else so that you can show others how to love you too. If you have something that you treat tenderly you won't allow anyone else to mishandle it, right? The ladies are right utlimatums and B-Fits don't work. Not for men or women. Trust me I have flash backs I've done it too! You knew before you even wrote this post that something was not right. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. I hope I'm not coming off harshly or making you feel like you're being attacked, that is not the intention of anyone here I don't think. But real is real. If he doesn't want to act right let him do his thang! You have your own life to live. Enjoy you, being with you, and loving you! You make agood point though, only you and him truely know your relationship or the lack thereof, but you came here for advice and it has been given. Figure out what feels right for you and ultimately do what's right for YOU. It's doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. Someone else said you can learn from the mistakes of others but you still have to knock your own head to feel it. Best of luck hope things unfold in a positive way.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm not trying to judge your situation...but just to give you some perspective...

My SO and I live 2 hrs away from each other. He works over 70 hrs a week in a high stress job and has a part-time job...and still makes it down to see me 2-3 times EVERY week...and leaves at 4AM in the morning to drive alll the way to work....hundreds per month extra in gas and tolls. I don't have to ask him to do this...he does it happily. He refuses to let me drive and see him most of the time cuz there is more traffic coming my way than his and he doesnt want me to be out late driving if I dont have to when he can make it easier for me...and he wants to protect me. He makesw sure that we spend quality time 2gether and even when he is super busy will call me quickly to say he loves me or is thinking about me...and will text, email, send pics, etc... I also work almost every weekend in addition to the 9-5 (i sing)...and this past weekend I had a show but he had to work....and he drove 6 hrs in traffic...after he worked 10 hrs on a SATURDAY to come and see the END of my show (which was over 3 hrs from where I live).

I have heard of men doing much more. Trust me....when they want to, they really do step up to the plate...and you are SO worth one who will That's all we're trying to say.

Thank you for sharing this story. I think this is all something that we need to hear sometimes.

I know of other WOMEN who will call me crazy when I say that I'm bothered by a man's inability to make a resonable number of phone calls, come see me on a somewhat consistent basis and follow through on what he says. They'll say, "Well, you know he's busy and works 20000000 hours a week and lives an hour away and blah blah blah...."

But I KNOW that when a man wants to see you and spend time with you, almost NOTHING can stop him from doing so because he wants to. And if for some reason, he truly can't fulfill something he wants to do, he will give you advance notice AND make up for it in the very near future.

Your story is a reminder to me that I'm NOT asking for too much... in fact, I should ask for more!

To Ricaross, again, I'm co-signing with what everyone has said. We're not saying that you have to dump your BF right now and never see him again, we're just saying that you need to take a different approach in handling your relationship to see if he is really the right man for you -- THEN you can decide what to do.

All of the explanations you've given are the same things many of us have heard 50-11 times before, with maybe a few details changed. And unless he's in his 30s-40s, having 3-4 girlfriends is PLENTY of experience for him to know how to behave in a relationship... that's a LOT of relationships for a man in his early 20s, at least compared to men I know. (I assume he's young.)

We just want the best for you... just step back from this situation for a minute, try a different approach than writing a letter and if he's the right man for you, he will step up to the plate.

 

[comike]

I agree with the advice given here. I think deep down you really know what's going on and what you need to do. Rather than giving the power to him to direct the course of the relationship, I think you should do what's best for you.

To thine own self be true.

-William Shakespeare​

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Rica, if you are interested in him and the feelings are mutual in actions and words, then say how you feel to him. One of the things I have learned in many of my relationships is not to play games. I'm not saying put yourself out there to be road kill, but there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel with a person you care for. I have done it and whether it was with the right or wrong guy, I learned from it. In marriage, you can't just "fall back" that's CRAZY! In a bf/gf relationship the same applies.

NOW, like I said, don't put yourself all out there, but express a small concern and leave it at that. You've done your part and his will follow if it's meant to be. Until then, occupy yourself (not saying your all wrapped up into him because your addressing something) with other things and OTHER PEOPLE, male or female friends (get a male side kick to shoot the shyt with if it helps).

Let me explain to you two real scenarios to think about:

1. I meet a guy who was (so I thought) really into me. He lived 2 hours away from me. We talked about marriage and and spent little time together due to the "drive time". I thought, this was the one, introduced dude to my child and my family. I put my feelings out there over and over again demanding more time from him. We were both going to church and playing house (extended house) and in the end it was a joke, really. Then several months later he got a revelation that I wasn't the one regardless of his prior behaviors eluding that I was (ring shopping??).

This time I said to myself, no more. Men are my last priority and I'm going to make an extra effort to keep it that way. I will date and date by the numbers (no sex) and let them know they are 3rd, 4th, 5th string. NO quarterbacks.

2. Met another guy, which I started to date. He was the 3rd guy I was seeing (I kept a rotation for real). He lived 5 HOURS AWAY. After the second week of us getting to know each other, this cat would call me from the airport (MY AIRPORT) asking me if he could spend the weekend with me and my son. "Uh, well I have plans..." Him: yeah your plan is coming to get me from the airport, it's me and you and tell all the others to wait!" So, I couldn't leave him there, so of course we kicked it. Every weekend after that this guy PAID for RT airfare to come see me for the weekend. Some weekends we spent them with my son and others together solo. Dude was cleaning my house, cooking and everything. Dude had no hangups, I mean I pull the credit check and criminal background app on his butt. 5 weeks later....We are walking down the isle. Did we talk about marriage in the interim? NO. We talked about what our kids would look like and I did express my feelings to him as well as kept firm that he was in rotation. Needless to say, I was still on my "you are in the rotation tip" before we got married and he handled that well, as he says no dog will let another dog stand in between his meat. Men know what they want when the see it and they will go to great lengths to get it, its their instinctive nature. Travel time was NEVER an issue, money was NEVER an issue. I was his priority and I'm not just saying that, his actions displayed such and he demanded all my time and I enjoyed it. My commitment to him begin when the ring was on my finger and guess what, I proposed to him only to learn that he had bought a ring to propose a week before I asked him to marry me.

So, think about both real situations I'm sharing with you. I don't believe in playing games (playing games meaning playing like you don't care but you do. If you care then say so, one time is enough), but I don't believe it putting all your eggs in one basket either. The men who really want you will work to be number one in your life regardless if there are others in line, men are competitive. So, with that said, have fun and don't just date one guy (keep it nonsexual). If you happen to notice that you have feelings for one (such as your current situation) then let it be known once and leave it at that. If you have any instincts that this person may not be interested or they are preoccupied with other things, then 9 times out of 10 your are right and that is the case. Let the men chase you and you sit back do as you please when you please with or without them. Women we are not afraid to share our feelings, ask direct questions, declare what we want, but we will not chase.

With relationships there is no one answer and there are many grey areas. So, post is only to offer my experience without judgement for you to think about and make your own decision based upon your own logic and feelings. Girl, only you know the situation and this guy so do what makes since to you and what is right for your situation. At the same time, try not to ignore the obvious that you see or sense with this guy.

 

[meaganita]

All the ladies who advised you NOT to send the letter and to distance yourself from the situation are absolutely 100% on point. Like one poster said, the details aren't important. A duck is a duck, regardless of what color the feathers are.

Another poster mentioned the book, He's Just Not That Into You. That book will enlighten you to the point where you will be MAD that you EVER settled for less. But it will also empower you to the point where you know what to expect and how respond accordingly. The Rules is another book I recommend for young ladies like yourself. You are giving away your power Ms. Lady, whether you see it that way or not.

The best advice I got from a MAN on how to deal with a man who's acting up was so simple, IGNORE HIM. You will be surprised at how effective this is. That doesn't equal being mean, it simply equals being unavailable (for time, converstation, etc.). Don't make any announcements or tell him you need space or anything like that. Just ignore him. Believe me, it will let you know what the real deal is one way or another.

However, we all had to go through what you're going through in order to learn how to respond to situations like this. Sometimes knowing what to do isn't enough. You actually have to be WILLING to do it, and sometimes it takes more pain and/or humilation to get there. Just remember, it matters less what a man says and more what a man does. Men truly speak through their actions. Talk is cheap and that goes both ways. Save the letter and your conversation. Spend some time paying yourself some much needed attention.

Hopefully this is something you won't have to learn the hard way like most of us did.

 

[Summer_Rain]

To say he's not interested without all the facts is jumping to conclusion. No one but me and him truely know our relationship...and granted ur only seeing one side of the story. You all dont know all the things ive done like not wanting to hangout as friends when we first met....to making him come see me and not the other way around.

You have to realize that we do live 1 hr apart without traffic although we live in the same city. And he knows i dont like to drive on his side of town....so unless he wants to drive an hour hangout for a couple of hours and then drive back an 1, its a little much to ask sometimes.

Hanging out during the week is hard b/c we both have very unusal schedules and pretty much work all day during the week.

I really do appreciate the advice about not sending the letter...thanks.....but please dont give blanket respones without knowing whats going on in our relationship. B/c even now....if he really wanted to leave he would....he wouldnt talk about marriage and he wouldnt call me first all the time.

I agree with all the others - if a man is REALLY interested, he will never allow this much "doubt" to enter your mind. He wouldn't leave you playing a guessing game as to the state of your relationship.

But on the other hand, I have to ask you - for all of the complaining that you're doing about what his unwillingness to do things....you aren't even doing them! You won't even meet the man half way! Perhaps if you show a little more effort, a little less demand - he'd react differently.

 

[Integrity]

But on the other hand, I have to ask you - for all of the complaining that you're doing about what his unwillingness to do things....you aren't even doing them! You won't even meet the man half way! Perhaps if you show a little more effort, a little less demand - he'd react differently.

huh? i dont get this bit. pls elaborate.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

huh? i dont get this bit. pls elaborate.

Hi Integrity,

I think she may be referring to when the OP stated later that she didn't want to hang with his friends and wouldn't drive to see him. It sound like the OP is requiring much from this relationship, however she appears to not be (based on what OP's statement) willing to put forth any effort either.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Hi Integrity,

I think she may be referring to when the OP stated later that she didn't want to hang with his friends and wouldn't drive to see him. It sound like the OP is requiring much from this relationship, however she appears to not be (based on what OP's statement) willing to put forth any effort either.

Exact. Integrity - thats what I meant by it.

Based the OP's first post, I (as were most of us I assume) was under the impression that she was putting forth all the effort, whilst he does nothing. I agree that a man can, should and will step up when he has sincere interest - but at the same time, it sounds like RicaRoss is unwilling to do anything in return, ya know - kinda selfish like. She won't drive to his side of town, won't hang out with his friends, won't do this, won't do that, won't do XYZ - but is basically demanding that HE makes sacrifices though she won't.

 

[ricaross]

Exact. Integrity - thats what I meant by it.

Based the OP's first post, I (as were most of us I assume) was under the impression that she was putting forth all the effort, whilst he does nothing. I agree that a man can, should and will step up when he has sincere interest - but at the same time, it sounds like RicaRoss is unwilling to do anything in return, ya know - kinda selfish like. She won't drive to his side of town, won't hang out with his friends, won't do this, won't do that, won't do XYZ - but is basically demanding that HE makes sacrifices though she won't.

Honestly that is how it is.....For the entire year i've known him (we've only been dating the last 3 months) I was very selfish, and I still am. And in the begininng he was always willing to make the effort, I was just to busy with work. By the way I'm 23. And just to clear up things....I'm not having sex with him so I don't know what benfits he getting b/c I'm not having sex with him. I never call him first...i dont go to his side of town to hangout with him....i havent introduced him to my family....i dont seek him out to take me out ( i go out with my other friends)....i'm never the one that puts forth the first effort....nor do i jump when he does want to hangout.....if i'm not busy then we can hangout...but if i am then we dont. I also live with my mom so i know thats kind of ackward.

OT: I did get defensive b/c my original question was should I send the letter....and now i completly agree...but what bothered me was that assumption that i am desperate for him or that b/c he made the marriage statement that he couldnt be sincere. there are plenty of other guys in my life, that if we broke up today i could be in a relationship tommorrow...and the fact that i've pushed him away so many times in the past and he wont leave lets me know that he is interested cause he things i'm the one Him.....not so sure

Don't get me wrong....I value all of the info given...So thanks girls

 

[ricaross]

OT: His last relationship.....he was dating this girl....taking her out all the time....everything you can think of. Well her ex came back into the picture and she didnt tell him. All of a sudden she was to busy for him....she wouldnt return his calls....and he found out when his girlfriend and her ex got back together...

You all say....3 or 4 gf is enough to know.....but i dont think so when i'm the 4th. He'll be 27 in Dec. But he is kind of a dork. He graduated high school at 16. College at 20. Has done nothing but work and became a senior project engineer at 25. I really dont think he understands how to have a relationship when his last gf cheated on him....he only had 2 before her and then me....someone who won't even sacrify her time (but i was working a lot of hours and just didnt have time)

 

[Seeking8Rights]

OT: His last relationship.....he was dating this girl....taking her out all the time....everything you can think of. Well her ex came back into the picture and she didnt tell him. All of a sudden she was to busy for him....she wouldnt return his calls....and he found out when his girlfriend and her ex got back together...

You all say....3 or 4 gf is enough to know.....but i dont think so when i'm the 4th. He'll be 27 in Dec. But he is kind of a dork. He graduated high school at 16. College at 20. Has done nothing but work and became a senior project engineer at 25. I really dont think he understands how to have a relationship when his last gf cheated on him....he only had 2 before her and then me....someone who won't even sacrify her time (but i was working a lot of hours and just didnt have time)

Rica, would it be hard for you to not sweat the small stuff and just kick it with the dude? Like just enjoy him and not get on the right/wrong relationship soap box (not being mean )? Just let things be for awhile and see how it goes, sometimes less is more you know?

Also, it sounds like there is more to the story than what you posted, which is probably why you came accross defending your relationship to other posters. In the beginning your later depicts one picture, then later you say it's not like that exactly. It would be foolish to think that you can get a sound answer from a community of whom doesn't really know the details of your relationship. You asked if you should send the letter, many opposed, some said otherwise, however, all the responses was based upon red flag factors in your original post. Right nor wrong, people read between the lines and sometimes you may intend on painting a complete house, but when others look at it all they see are holes.

So again, only you know what is best for situation. Some say details are in important and some say they are not and a duck is a duck. Again, all of this is only based upon OUR PRIOR EXPERIENCES WITH MEN (and I see between all of use, we have a lot of stories to tell), so we can only advise based on such. In the end, you are only going to do what RICA wants and feels right doing.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Honestly that is how it is.....For the entire year i've known him (we've only been dating the last 3 months) I was very selfish, and I still am. And in the begininng he was always willing to make the effort, I was just to busy with work. By the way I'm 23. And just to clear up things....I'm not having sex with him so I don't know what benfits he getting b/c I'm not having sex with him. I never call him first...i dont go to his side of town to hangout with him....i havent introduced him to my family....i dont seek him out to take me out ( i go out with my other friends)....i'm never the one that puts forth the first effort....nor do i jump when he does want to hangout.....if i'm not busy then we can hangout...but if i am then we dont. I also live with my mom so i know thats kind of ackward.

OT: I did get defensive b/c my original question was should I send the letter....and now i completly agree...but what bothered me was that assumption that i am desperate for him or that b/c he made the marriage statement that he couldnt be sincere. there are plenty of other guys in my life, that if we broke up today i could be in a relationship tommorrow...and the fact that i've pushed him away so many times in the past and he wont leave lets me know that he is interested cause he things i'm the one Him.....not so sure

If you don't think he is the one then why worry about this or that, why is it bothering you enough to the point of frustration which was evident in your letter to him.

Rica if you are young, then take the advise to have fun and don't bog your time down with ONE guy. Play the field, experience other types of men, see who you like and who you don't, learn the traits of men from all different breeds. Men do this all the time and women don't complain, they are taught to not commit until they know its the one, women most of our relationship problems are because we are not doing the same and expecting TOO much from TOO little. If you guys are sharing bills, buying each other essentials, making baby plans and calling to get an ETA on the wedding cake then yes by all means his time should be yours and it would be wise to say something. But if right now ya'll just doing the pup like stuff or "I'm really feeling him/her" stuff, then no one shouldn't be requiring, demanding, expecting anything from no one. Your honest to Lord best bet is to KEEP IT SWEET AND SIMPLE. Trust sweetie, I'm trying to save you alot of headache and time.

 

[Summer_Rain]

You all say....3 or 4 gf is enough to know.....but i dont think so when i'm the 4th. He'll be 27 in Dec. But he is kind of a dork. He graduated high school at 16. College at 20. Has done nothing but work and became a senior project engineer at 25. I really dont think he understands how to have a relationship when his last gf cheated on him....he only had 2 before her and then me....someone who won't even sacrify her time (but i was working a lot of hours and just didnt have time)

*smh* It's sad to see you say that he has "done nothing but....". That man has accomplished A LOT. No wonder he's busy as he is.

I really have nothing more to say

 

[classycrimson]

Now I'm confused....umm...if it's a guy who you have no real time for and no real desire for, I don't get why you'd even bother to write the letter? The letter sounded like it was from a woman who was at her wit's end trying to make a dead relationship work who really cared for the guy. Do you even like him? I mean, the same woman describing him as a dork, and then saying she basically shows him no attention and has no time for him doesnt seem like she'd care enough to write such a letter. How can you expect him to stay interested and pursue you hotly if you aren't even giving him crumbs? Is that what the letter is for...to whet his appetite again? For what?

Just wondering....and I hope everything turns out for the best....for both of you

:::insert confused smiley::::

 

[ricaross]

The letter sounded like it was from a woman who was at her wit's end trying to make a dead relationship work who really cared for the guy. Do you even like him? I mean, the same woman describing him as a dork, and then saying she basically shows him no attention and has no time for him doesnt seem like she'd care enough to write such a letter.

When i say dork, I say that in the nicest way possible. But its more of a i just don't know kind of situation. And i do show him attention now, but in the past i was preoccupied with other things in my life to the point that he was the one whining about me not having time for him. I guess my letter was more of me being confused as to where we stand....more so than me being upset with the way its going. I just dont know....its all so confusing to me too....and im in the situation.

 

[Bunny77]

You two do need to have a conversation to figure out where you stand, but it should be in person. So don't send the letter (and you said you won't do that, so cool), and wait until you get a chance to see him again and then maybe you can talk.

But also, don't do it like, "WE NEED TO TALK!" (That already sets the stage for disaster). See how the conversation goes and then look for a potential opening in the conversation to bring up the issue... but NOT in a confrontational way or one that's too direct.

And the thing is, the next date may not be the best time to do it. Don't force the convo... let it be a natural process.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Bumping,

 

[Farida]

I would say you are better of talking to him in person. Keep it short and sweet. Men are simple creatures and his mind will wander if you give to many details. Narrow it down into a simple, why you are unhappy and what you expect of him. Men respond better when you tell them exactly what you want. If he doesn't take initiative, move on.

I agree with bunny77, don't pull the "we need to talk." Men hate that line and it shuts them down.

 

[sharentu]

please do not send that letter. you will not get the results that you want if you do. you should talk it out with him in person, but i wouldnt make any special effort to that. when he makes an effort thats when you have this talk with him.

 

[foxxymami]

You guys, this was last September when she made this thread

 

[plastic]

You guys, this was last September when she made this thread

teehee

 

[Farida]

Someone keeps bumping stuff...

 

[tocktick]

deleted...

 

[sky_blu]

Well Im intentionally bumping because I want to know what you did? I agreed with the original posters in that I dont think you should or shouldve sent this letter.

 

[cupcakes]

wat happened? did u send it or not?
im curious

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Bump..I wanna know too.