Letter i plan to send to my bf.....need help with how it sounds

[ricaross]

Ok ladies, i need your help. Me and my bf have been going through some ups and downs lately b/c he says he has been very busy with work. I want to send this message to him letting him know how i feel b/c whenever i bring up the topic he thinking i'm complaining. i like him, but i'm not so attached that i couldnt just walk away. I want to make sure its not me or confrontational (sp) or complaining. I want it to be informative and straight to the point. Tell me how it sound.

Because we still haven't had our talk from last week, I'm gonna be honest with you....I am not happy, but don't take this as me complaining, b/c until we rectify this situation we are just basically wasting time b/c we can't move forward. I don't feel that you truely want to be in a relationship, well with me atleast b/c you know how i feel about relationships and what i expect out of them and have yet to show that you have even acknolodge my feelings/ concerns. I don't know if you think I want you to wine and dine me so that I can spend your money b/c if that was the case, I would have left a long time ago. I find it interesting that you always have time for your friends but never seem to have time for me, "your so-called girlfriend". With all that being said, since you'll be really busy next week, I am going to give you time to think about what you want to do without any pressure, if you want to stay or go. But be warned if you stay, things will change and if you can't make an effort to atleast do other than sexual things with me once in the course of 2 months (not saying that you have to pay) then we will be forced to have another talk and see if we are better off as friends. On a serious note, I do not need a man to take care of me, however I choose to have one in my life, and i choose you. If you don't want the full commitment then you need to speak up now. If I don't get a response as to yes or no by the end of the week on Friday I will assume that you are done and choose to go your seperate way. Whenever you want to talk about it, just send me a message, I want to get this overwith and behind us so that hopefully we can have a stronger relationship. The decision is now yours.

 

[fattyfatfat]

What helps is to put your feelings out (as you did) and read the letter in the morning or so to see if you still feel that way.

Your letter seems a little harsh, I think it could be gentler (sp?) but maybe thats just me. If I were him after reading that Id be like peace out. Maybe you can say that you would like for him to take this week to reflect on the relationship and as soon as he comes back, you would like to talk with him ASAP. From experience, I never write my true feelings down on paper because the recipient can throw it back in your face when they want. JMO.

 

[ricaross]

What helps is to put your feelings out (as you did) and read the letter in the morning or so to see if you still feel that way.

Your letter seems a little harsh, I think it could be gentler (sp?) but maybe thats just me.

Thanks Danithefatty for your advice.....I was afraid it might have been harsh b/c i have a tendency to be that way when i express my feelings.....i think i will re-read the message and see if i feel the say way ( although i think i will b/c i've been feeling this way for that last month).

Anymore comments or suggestions ladies.

 

[Integrity]

I personally dont think you should send that letter. I find it sad that its is almost like you have to fight for his attention. Men in general respond far better to actions than words. If I were you I would keep still and not be chasing him up and down asking for him to spend time with you. Do not call him, occupy yourself with other things. When and if he does contact you tell him nice and sweet and short that you have moved on (even if you have not, just to gauge his reaction). If he cares so much he would move the earth to spend time with you. If he is really interested from that point on he will do what it takes to win your affections again and KEEP IT that way!!!!!! If he goes 'oh well thats OK' type reaction you know he just was not bold to tell you to your face he don't want you. A LOT of guys play like that, they are real cowards!

He is really taking you for granted and this is the time to let him know your world does not revolve around HIM!

I really would not give him the satisfaction of giving him that letter. SHOW him dont tell him cos he don't listen!

All the best

 

[FlowerHair]

I agree 100% with Integrity. Don't send the letter. Men just see that as bla blah blah etc... and you let him know that you are emotional and that he can get to you this way in the future.

I would just cut him off for a while, not answer the phone all the time, find a hobby without him, spend time with friends and more things like that. If he misses you he will come to you, if he doesn't then you know he's not really that committed to the relationship.

Also, when something is written like that he can always pull it out in an argument etc.
Good luck! If you want to go to the movies, go to the movies, if you want to go to a fancy restaurant, just do it You don't need him to do all of that...

 

[winterinatl]

Flowerhair and Integrity are on point.

Do not send the letter. It was probably really helpful to write it, but don't send it, for all the reasons stated above. Don't have anymore "talks" with him.

Just FALL BACK.

Let that man think he is free to go. When he realizes he is, that it won't kill you if he goes, then he will want to shape up and stay.

 

[classycrimson]

I agree with the above two ladies. When I was younger, before I REALLY understood how a man who was truly interested in me was supposed to act, I swear I've written, and said that letter so many times to so many guys who were so not worth it. When guys start claiming to be busy, and you see them spending recreational time doing other things w/o you by choice, it is never a good sign.....they know that isnt how you treat a girlfriend...or someone you care about. They are not serious about the relationship or the commitment they made to you. When you have to literally grab a guy by the balls and say "Pay attn to me!", you're on a slippery slope to nowhere. Men know how to pursue and show women that they deem important their interest.

All that talking we do is seen as "blah blah blah" to them...any letter or long speech we give them will never make them have an "A HA!" moment and suddenly realize the error of their ways. Time apart...time to think, w/o help from you might do that.

There are other things in the letter that I'm concerned about...the money stuff. Is he saying that he doesnt wanna take u out cuz he doesn't wanna pay? Is this a recurring issue, thinking that you want him to pay for everything and "gold dig"? I'm just wondering why that even showed up in the letter and I assume it's an issue (i.e. excuse) he's been using.

 

[Ivonnovi]

REWRITE CHALLENGE

ricaross, standby:

SIDBAR:

"Okay Ladies,
I think this message is a "REWRITE CHALLENGE" ....if for nothing else than to take the "angry edge" off.

I'm working on it now, anyone else?"
​

ricaross, can then review and choose another version to get her message across.

 

[starfish]

I agree with the above posterts. Go get the book 'He's just not that into you" and read that. It's a harsh reality but when a man wants to be with you he will. He will be on his best behavior not to piss you off or ruin his chances. Things won't change if you send him that letter.

I know from experience and was treated like a nice shirt in a man's closet....he likes the shirt, he'll even take the shirt out once in a while and wear it, and he always knows it's there and available, but he wouldn't care if the shirt got lost at the dry cleaners.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I agree with the other posters. Don't even waste your time sending him that letter. Most men don't know how to read anyway!

But seriously, not knowing the full history of your relationship - based JUST off what you typed out - it seems to me like he's already told you through his actions that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Don't sit around waiting for HIM to say it. YOU walk away under your own power.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Because we still haven't had our talk from last week, I'm gonna be honest with you....(right now and as I write this) I am not happy. Please do not take this as me complaining but I have to voice some concerns I can no longer disregard.

I do not need a man in my life to to take care of me, or make me feel complete; however I have chosen to have one in my life, and right now that’s you. What I need to know from you is, clarity on what I should or should not expect from you.

Though I’ve expressed how I feel about relationships and what I expect out of them, right now I have no idea of what your expectations or needs are. With that said:

1. I’d like for us to spend more time together, but it seems you always have time for your friends but never seem to have time for me, "your girlfriend”.

2. This leaves me wondering “where” I fit into your life. Lately I’ve got the impression that you don't truly want to be in a relationship, with me at least because you have yet to show or acknowledge my feelings/concerns.

The purpose of this not is not to pressure you, but to initiate a dialogue about our relationship.
I understand that your work is keeping you very busy right now, however on the end of the week I’d like the opportunity for us to discuss this. Should you choose to talk about this sooner just send me a message, I will not bother you.

What I need from you is clarity so that hopefully we can have a stronger relationship



In my opinion you should save the stuff below for the face-too-face conversation, if he is not responsive to the text above the text below won’t encourage him either. :
.

• But be warned if you stay, things will change and if you can't make an effort to at least do other than sexual things with me once in the course of 2 months (not saying that you have to pay) then we will be forced to have another talk and see if we are better off as friends.
  • (sex and dating) I don’t know how long you all have been dating but IMHO this fix should take place within 2 weeks, not 2 months)

• If you don't want the full commitment then you need to speak up now.
  • You need to look him in the eye for this one.
    
    
• If I don't get a response as to yes or no by the end of the week on Friday I will assume that you are done and choose to go your separate way.

• The decision is now yours.
  • You need to look him in the eye on these.
  • Most men do not like ultimatums to start with and if they “want out” they will take this as an easy exit (and you’ll not have closure. Keep the upper hand, ….HELL if he’s not contacted you by Sunday, just move on no need to warn the “delinquent”).

 

[hair_wit_favor]

I agree with the posters that say dont send the letter...

 

[MissYocairis]

I agree with the above two ladies. When I was younger, before I REALLY understood how a man who was truly interested in me was supposed to act, I swear I've written, and said that letter so many times to so many guys who were so not worth it. When guys start claiming to be busy, and you see them spending recreational time doing other things w/o you by choice, it is never a good sign.....they know that isnt how you treat a girlfriend...or someone you care about. They are not serious about the relationship or the commitment they made to you. When you have to literally grab a guy by the balls and say "Pay attn to me!", you're on a slippery slope to nowhere. Men know how to pursue and show women that they deem important their interest.

All that talking we do is seen as "blah blah blah" to them...any letter or long speech we give them will never make them have an "A HA!" moment and suddenly realize the error of their ways. Time apart...time to think, w/o help from you might do that.

There are other things in the letter that I'm concerned about...the money stuff. Is he saying that he doesnt wanna take u out cuz he doesn't wanna pay? Is this a recurring issue, thinking that you want him to pay for everything and "gold dig"? I'm just wondering why that even showed up in the letter and I assume it's an issue (i.e. excuse) he's been using.

Crimson! Everything you said is 100% ON POINT!

To the OP: Listen to what these ladies are telling you and Crimson's comments here are EXACTLY ACCURATE.

 

[Bunny77]

Co-signing with everyone else. DO NOT write him a letter.

I have written letters (well, e-mails) to multiple guys over the years and they NEVER work. Men just don't respond to letters and even words in general... even the nicest, most reasonable statements don't change ****, and "I don't need you" letters really don't work. Probably because most women talk a good game about how they want/expect/demand better, but then never actually follow through by leaving. They just stick around and "hope" he'll change.

I'd just fall back, like other folks said, and if he really wants you, he'll change his behavior without you having to say one word.

Good luck.

 

[ricaross]

I'm gonna take the advice from you guys. However in our relationship I have the guy role.

Honestly, I don't ever call him and i don't ever initiate the text messages we send while at work.

Part of me feels as though he doesn't know how to have a relationship b/c he has only had 3 or 4 other girlfriends.

When I would give him hints before we started dating that at that time we should see other people he would get all emotional and upset about it. Then when we finally dated, he told his sisters a week later who i've never physically meet, but who i've spoken to. And even when we have arguments he gets upset and threatens to leave and then about an hour later he's calling saying he's sorry even when its my fault. We've even talked about marraige and moving in together ( but im not ready to move in yet). I think a lot of our relationship problems stem from before we started dating, like the not hanging out b/c i at the time was always busy at work.

Just to clarify, we have never had sex....thats why i said sexually.

 

[ricaross]

yorlooksmybiz....thanks for the re-write. It does seem a little less harsh.

 

[SouthernTease]

I didn't even read the letter
Co-signing with everybody else.
Sending that letter & having talks
could be the biggest mistake you could make
if you want him to stick around
if you really want him to take notice...
disappear!
They never miss it until it's gone.

 

[MissYocairis]

I know you said you were going to follow the advice given here and that's great but it concerns me that you think these principles won't apply in your unique situation.

Certain things are CONSTANT. They just ARE. I know everyone has to learn their own lesson in their own time through trial and error. BUT....even with what you've described below....men don't respond to emotional outbursting, ulitimatums, nor idle threats. The only thing he may feel from reading the letter is irritated and/or unattracted....

The other thing to remember is that men do what they really want to do....they don't come up missing regularly and resurface with their friends at the expense of seeing you unless they really want to.

Start getting into some other stuff and enjoying your life despite his absence. FLIP THE SCRIPT. Disappear. No fanfare. No warnings. No announcements. No threats. Just fall back for a while. He has been taking you for granted. He will come for you if he truly wants you.

I'm gonna take the advice from you guys. However in our relationship I have the guy role.

Honestly, I don't ever call him and i don't ever initiate the text messages we send while at work.

Part of me feels as though he doesn't know how to have a relationship b/c he has only had 3 or 4 other girlfriends.

When I would give him hints before we started dating that at that time we should see other people he would get all emotional and upset about it. Then when we finally dated, he told his sisters a week later who i've never physically meet, but who i've spoken to. And even when we have arguments he gets upset and threatens to leave and then about an hour later he's calling saying he's sorry even when its my fault. We've even talked about marraige and moving in together ( but im not ready to move in yet). I think a lot of our relationship problems stem from before we started dating, like the not hanging out b/c i at the time was always busy at work.

Just to clarify, we have never had sex....thats why i said sexually.

 

[Ivonnovi]

yorlooksmybiz....thanks for the re-write. It does seem a little less harsh.

No problem, I Actually agree with the others' view on your situation.
BUT I figured I'd at least help re-word the letter because I understand that sometimes you just gotta get stuff of your chest

Seems a lot of us have been there before so, learn from "our" mistakes and wisdom.....only put your energy into someone who appreciates "you".

Good Luck!

 

[Integrity]

Part of me feels as though he doesn't know how to have a relationship b/c he has only had 3 or 4 other girlfriends.

No No NO. He is behaving like this because he is not interested. Any man who has never had a girlfriend knows how to treat someone he cares for. It comes naturally when you LIKE someone and care for them. Nothing to do with how many girlfriends...... DO not make excuses for him please

 

[classycrimson]

No No NO. He is behaving like this because he is not interested. Any man who has never had a girlfriend knows how to treat someone he cares for. It comes naturally when you LIKE someone and care for them. Nothing to do with how many girlfriends...... DO not make excuses for him please

I gave my first "real love " this benefit of the doubt too...since we were 18 and he'd only had like 1 other girl he acknowledged as a girlfriend. It served as a handy excuse for me to use...until in retrospect I remembered that at the beginning of our relationship he seemed to have no trouble figuring out how I was supposed to be treated,,...it was only later that he "forgot"...lol

 

[Bint Yusef]

No No NO. He is behaving like this because he is not interested. Any man who has never had a girlfriend knows how to treat someone he cares for. It comes naturally when you LIKE someone and care for them. Nothing to do with how many girlfriends...... DO not make excuses for him please

Girl you are on point. Three or four girlfriends has nothing to do with it at all.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Girl you are on point. Three or four girlfriends has nothing to do with it at all.

Mmhmm! And really, three or four girlfriends is PLENTY to have experience!

 

[Integrity]

Mmhmm! And really, three or four girlfriends is PLENTY to have experience!

exactly!!!!!!!!

 

[CandiceC]

Mmhmm! And really, three or four girlfriends is PLENTY to have experience!

That's what I'm thinking!



OP, don't send any letters.
Fall back.

 

[ricaross]

To say he's not interested without all the facts is jumping to conclusion. No one but me and him truely know our relationship...and granted ur only seeing one side of the story. You all dont know all the things ive done like not wanting to hangout as friends when we first met....to making him come see me and not the other way around.

You have to realize that we do live 1 hr apart without traffic although we live in the same city. And he knows i dont like to drive on his side of town....so unless he wants to drive an hour hangout for a couple of hours and then drive back an 1, its a little much to ask sometimes.

Hanging out during the week is hard b/c we both have very unusal schedules and pretty much work all day during the week.

I really do appreciate the advice about not sending the letter...thanks.....but please dont give blanket respones without knowing whats going on in our relationship. B/c even now....if he really wanted to leave he would....he wouldnt talk about marriage and he wouldnt call me first all the time.

 

[CandiceC]

To say he's not interested without all the facts is jumping to conclusion. No one but me and him truely know our relationship...and granted ur only seeing one side of the story. You all dont know all the things ive done like not wanting to hangout as friends when we first met....to making him come see me and not the other way around.

You have to realize that we do live 1 hr apart without traffic although we live in the same city. And he knows i dont like to drive on his side of town....so unless he wants to drive an hour hangout for a couple of hours and then drive back an 1, its a little much to ask sometimes.

Hanging out during the week is hard b/c we both have very unusal schedules and pretty much work all day during the week.

I really do appreciate the advice about not sending the letter...thanks.....but please dont give blanket respones without knowing whats going on in our relationship. B/c even now....if he really wanted to leave he would....he wouldnt talk about marriage and he wouldnt call me first all the time.

I think you are getting defensive and making excuses for him now.

You say in your letter:

"I don't feel that you truely want to be in a relationship, well with me atleast b/c you know how i feel about relationships and what i expect out of them and have yet to show that you have even acknolodge my feelings/ concerns."

 

[Integrity]

I think you are getting defensive and making excuses for him now.

You say in your letter:

"I don't feel that you truely want to be in a relationship, well with me atleast b/c you know how i feel about relationships and what i expect out of them and have yet to show that you have even acknolodge my feelings/ concerns."

Thanks!

To the OP, the old adage 'there is nothing new under the sun' comes to mind here. Seen and heard it all before. Same script, different cast! Whatever you do, good luck with this one!

 

[winterinatl]

To say he's not interested without all the facts is jumping to conclusion. No one but me and him truely know our relationship...and granted ur only seeing one side of the story. You all dont know all the things ive done like not wanting to hangout as friends when we first met....to making him come see me and not the other way around.

You have to realize that we do live 1 hr apart without traffic although we live in the same city. And he knows i dont like to drive on his side of town....so unless he wants to drive an hour hangout for a couple of hours and then drive back an 1, its a little much to ask sometimes.

Hanging out during the week is hard b/c we both have very unusal schedules and pretty much work all day during the week.

I really do appreciate the advice about not sending the letter...thanks.....but please dont give blanket respones without knowing whats going on in our relationship. B/c even now....if he really wanted to leave he would....he wouldnt talk about marriage and he wouldnt call me first all the time.

With the combined years of experience on this board, I feel we are well qualified to give blanket statements. His behavior follows behavior we have ALL witnessed time and time again, and, like big sisters that care about their little sisters, we are simply trying to clue you in a little before you get sorely hurt.

However, you may just have to take this knock for yourself to see the lesson.

Again, men that want you come for you. They will FLY FOR HOURS to come see YOU. No amount of gas or traffic will keep them away. Period.

Oh, and you say, "if he really wanted to leave, he would...he wouldn't talk about marriage"...

First of all, the man is showing you he is not interested.

Secondly, men often do not leave first. If they are getting ANYTHING from you that is beneficial to them (not just sex, but most often that is what it is) they will string you along until you get fed up and leave.

Thirdly, talking about marriage and kids is the oldest trick in the book. Men can smell desparate women, and assume that all women want to get married and have kids. What better way than to loosen her up and get her to trust you, take you seriously, and GET HER TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU? That is what he is trying to do. Men do this and don't even realize that is what they are doing, using the 'ole "marriage lure".

Please don't fall for it.

 

[Integrity]

With the combined years of experience on this board, I feel we are well qualified to give blanket statements. His behavior follows behavior we have ALL witnessed time and time again, and, like big sisters that care about their little sisters, we are simply trying to clue you in a little before you get sorely hurt.

However, you may just have to take this knock for yourself to see the lesson.

Again, men that want you come for you. They will FLY FOR HOURS to come see YOU. No amount of gas or traffic will keep them away. Period.

Oh, and you say, "if he really wanted to leave, he would...he wouldn't talk about marriage"...

First of all, the man is showing you he is not interested.

Secondly, men often do not leave first. If they are getting ANYTHING from you that is beneficial to them (not just sex, but most often that is what it is) they will string you along until you get fed up and leave.

Thirdly, talking about marriage and kids is the oldest trick in the book. Men can smell desparate women, and assume that all women want to get married and have kids. What better way than to loosen her up and get her to trust you, take you seriously, and GET HER TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU? That is what he is trying to do. Men do this and don't even realize that is what they are doing, using the 'ole "marriage lure".

Please don't fall for it.

Cosigning 1 million times. Men who string along 'talk' marriage and never do it! Him talking marriage means NADA!!!!!!!!