Let Men be Men!

[Ms Red]

What are your thoughts on "Let men be men?" What is your definition of this phrase?

I just wrote an e-mail to a friend about this (Please don't stone me! I'm not suggesting all women be SAHMs...)

You know what else I was thinking? When I read this something dawned on me. Women should let men be men. Men should go to work, women should take care of their homes and raise their children. We need to raise the standards of men, especially Black men-- don't let them off the hook so easily. Having sex whenever, wherever. Allowing an open relationship when deep in our hearts we yearn for monogamy. Accepting cheating and turning a deaf ear when we know better. If a man wants to be with you, not hell nor high water will keep him from it.

As far as we have come as a society, we really need to just start over and go back to basics. I am a woman. Women need to start being women again-- let him lift you up mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Let him be the breadwinner, be the head of your household-- in essence, be a man. I can do almost anything a man can do but why would I want to? Marriage was meant to last a lifetime, not be exaulted for lasting a decade. It's a partnership and men and women have roles-- as traditional as that sounds, I believe it. We have the opportunity to not dumb-down relationships but so often, we go for the cheap thrill and it's tearing Black families apart. It kind of makes me sick.

I love being a woman and letting my boyfriend do what he is supposed to do. Pull out my chair, open my car door, send me my favorite flower just because. Leave a post-it note in my luggage with my plane ticket telling me he loves me. Courting me the right way... Maybe I am too optimistic but men need to stop being coddled and start being men. Technically I could do everything he could do...hell, I might even do it better...but I have expectations for him, I have needs and wants that transcend beyond gender roles... Sometimes I just like being doted on, being loved and held, being respected but at the same time RESPECTING YOU. Not having to put up a 'strong front' of independence to prove that I'm capable of being superwoman. Not hiding my emotions from men because I need them to RESPECT me. I show vulnerability... hope, hapiness, warmth. I'm approachable but sexy. Isn't that how it should be??

Your thoughts?

ETA: I know this e-mail is all over the place..hopefully someone gets my drift.

 

[MizAvalon]

I feel you Cupcake.

I think a great question to ask is why are there so many men that either don't or won't do what you described in your post.

I'm always searching for the reason to why things are what they are.

 

[Ms Red]

Thanks MizA... We cannot place the blame on women alone, you're right. And even when we do express our high expectations early on, some guys just are not looking for quality.

I feel you Cupcake.

I think a great question to ask is why are there so many men that either don't or won't do what you described in your post.

I'm always searching for the reason to why things are what they are.

 

[dlewis]

Most men will never be those things and never were those things. There are some exceptions to the rule. When they had the women at home alot of men mistreated their women. I think it sounds nice.

 

[Ms Red]

So the idea of a man respecting you is optimistic at best? Nice on paper but too far-fetched with the kinds of men out there now?

Most men will never be those things and never were those things. There are some exceptions to the rule. When they had the women at home alot of men mistreated their women. I think it sounds nice.

 

[shynessqueen]

I feel you Cupcake.

I think a great question to ask is why are there so many men that either don't or won't do what you described in your post.

I'm always searching for the reason to why things are what they are.

Can you please say that again.

 

[dlewis]

So the idea of a man respecting you is optimistic at best? Nice on paper but too far-fetched with the kinds of men out there now?

Yes, men have been in some way or another disrespecting women since the beginning of time. While I think there are good men out there, there are some boys that will never be men.

 

[Enchantmt]

If the male you're dealing with is a MAN, he's not going to wait for you to "let" him do anything. He will act. Period.

 

[Bint Yusef]

When people reminisce about how great the past is why are all the negative aspects left out? This all seems a tad romanticized. There were a lot of trade offs for women in those situations.

 

[Maynard]

When people reminisce about how great the past is why are all the negative aspects left out? This all seems a tad romanticized. There were a lot of trade offs for women in those situations.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell!

Folks dont be on here saying how Grandma got her arse beat...

 

[Bint Yusef]

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell!

Folks dont be on here saying how Grandma got her arse beat...

Or about his 3 other families he has started with women on the same block.erplexed


Im just saying, we havent suddenly entered this new era where men are a problem. There are ALWAYS 2 sides(at least) to the story.

 

[Maynard]

Or about his 3 other families he has started with women on the same block.erplexed


Im just saying, we havent suddenly entered this new era where men are a problem. There are ALWAYS 2 sides(at least) to the story.

Grandma didnt talk about Grandaddy like a dog, so folk believe that everything is/was all good.

My SO found out when he was like 7 or 8 that his Grandfather had another family across town. He went and told his Grandmother, she told him not to tell anybody and that was their secret between him and his Grandparents.

Real talk.

 

[shynessqueen]

Grandma didnt talk about Grandaddy like a dog, so folk believe that everything is/was all good.

My SO found out when he was like 7 or 8 that his Grandfather had another family across town. He went and told his Grandmother, she told him not to tell anybody and that was their secret between him and his Grandparents.

Real talk.

Just as long as his wife knew her place.

 

[PinkPeony]

So the idea of a man respecting you is optimistic at best? Nice on paper but too far-fetched with the kinds of men out there now?

I agree.
I was raised very traditionally(muslim) in the mindset to cater to my man and to be his in every sense of the word(seriously)
The idea is that the man treats you fair like a fair parent his child and you acknowledge his higher standing in the relationship by being submissive,caring,catering to his every wish.
Of course this would include major perks like never having to pay the bills,contributing your earned money in any way to the household or worry about anything related to the outside world.
Or being treated like a precious flower that needs extensive care.
However in my friends or familys circle I rarely saw a relationship that truly worked this way for the woman.

What was thought to protect the woman and make her life easier turned into men demanding total submission and demeaning their women while they could barely fulfill their own duties as the leader of the household.

While I do like this relationship model I would never want to live in a society that enforces it b/c there is just to much that could go wrong.
If it is your own descisscion more power to you but it is def. not the solution to most relationship problems in the western world.

 

[Maynard]

Just as long as his wife knew her place.

I guess she did...

I mean he lived with her a majority of the time, and had 5 children with the lady cross town. Apparently the lady cross town and Grandma grew up together. Crazy huh?erplexed

 

[Aubergold]

that usually means to keep your mouth shut when he cheats and uses 1800 flowers to send flowers to his girlfriend

 

[gymfreak336]

Or about his 3 other families he has started with women on the same block.erplexed


Im just saying, we havent suddenly entered this new era where men are a problem. There are ALWAYS 2 sides(at least) to the story.

Or a combo of both.

 

[dlewis]

I feel you Cupcake.

I think a great question to ask is why are there so many men that either don't or won't do what you described in your post.

I'm always searching for the reason to why things are what they are.

Have men very done this. It's not just a black thing but it's a white, Indian, Greek, Muslim etc thing to. Most men have and will mistreat their women. Though my grandparent don't talk about it I know my grandfather was a cat-catcher. Look to the bible where Jacob married two sister and sleep with their maids.

We make it seems like these type of men are in the minority but really they were and maybe today in majority. I think what will my a man act right today is the fact that women really don't need a man for anything except a little sex here and there.

I know if I had married my husband 50 years ago he would be a wife beaten, cheating, clubbing man. I know this for a fact.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I totally agree with the email 100% and i believe that i married a man with these qualities. The hard part is letting go of my 'superwoman' tendencies and letting him take the lead. But then again, he's the most intelligent and trustworthy man, so this makes it easier. But basically men will always be what we let them be...if we held them to this standard then they would be this.

 

[SkinnyMocah]

The idea of letting a man be a man is not the same as lay down and let him walk over you. It is about letting him fulfill his traditional role as breadwinner and head of household without having a cackling hen at his side pecking and criticizing his every decision and asking him to complete tasks and then complaining about how they're done. It's about trusting him to do the right thing (when you know he will, of course) instead of leading him around by a ring in his nose.

There are two books on the subject that I really like, by Laura Doyle. One is the Surrendered Single, for us single girls that feel the need to control our men and dictate the path of our relationships. Just let go. Enjoy the ride. Stay true to yourself, don't manipulate or control, and let the man BE a man.

The other is the Surrendered Wife, which some of my friends are reading right now. Some of it is inapplicable, but many of her points go toward being kind to one another, not picking at the decisions he makes, giving him back the power and the responsibility to do what's best for the family.

 

[janiebaby]

What was thought to protect the woman and make her life easier turned into men demanding total submission and demeaning their women while they could barely fulfill their own duties as the leader of the household.

My friend is in a similar situation muslim and all and at first he took care of all the bills and she just bought things for the house like groceries. Now he wants to go half. Things were never all good and never will be. We can only strive for balance within our own personal relationships the best way we can.

ETA: Also I don't think that it was to make the woman's life easier but rather to avoid a power struggle like what we're seeing now. It's harder for women who make more and do more to fully submit to their husband and view him as a leader now can it be done? Sure but it is a basic human tendency to feel a certain level of resentment sometimes when some traditional gender roles (men as leaders) are supposed to be upheld but not others (women not working outside the home).

 

[Naturallong81]

I think women feel that letting a man be in control means that he holds the reigns on you. i think everyone has different roles in a relationship and we should allow men to be men and not emasculate then. Everyone one cant be the pilot and the co-pilot is just as important. I think women take that "independent" woman shyte to far and dont know when to play their position

 

[FeelinIt]

Or a combo of both.

Or he is gay and he ended up being caught with a man in their bed (true story) Grandpa was DL when DL was not in fashion...LOL

 

[Ms Red]

I totally agree with this, especially the last sentence.

Yes, men have been in some way or another disrespecting women since the beginning of time. While I think there are good men out there, there are some boys that will never be men.

 

[Ms Red]

True indeedy.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell!

Folks dont be on here saying how Grandma got her arse beat...

 

[Ms Red]

OAHQ- I agree that this model of a relationship seems romanticized, especially in this day and age... but I still seek the happy-medium. like

Ella- said... it works well on paper, of course, but this all depends on if you are with a man who will expect you to be totally submissive to him, which aint happening with me. I agree w/ dlewis as well.

Skinnymocha and previous poster before you-- your points were excellent, thank you for your insight.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I'm really feeling this thread. I think there is no way we could romanticize the past, but we can't really romanticize what's going on now either. There has to be some middle ground. Where a man can be a man w/out stifling a woman, and where a woman can be a woman and still be an equal part of the relationship. It's hard to find a man who allows you to be you, and still sees his responsibility and role as a man. I wish...