LCHF Strawberry Letter

[Ladybelle]

This is my own version of a Strawberry Letter (for all those who tune into the Steve Harvey morning show) for those who do not...sorry! The names have been changed to protect the parties involved.

A dear friend of mine is living the situation described in this letter. I want to see how many would give her similar advice to what i did.

Thanks in advance!


Dear LCHF,
It feels like my marriage is headed to divorce court. My husband and I had one child and dated for six years prior to getting married in Dec 06. Since that time it has had it's good moments with it's equally bad moments. When I first met him, I was lost. I had been traumatized by rape, sexually abused as a child, witnessed my mother endure domestic violence and was not a whole individual. As a result, I got involved with my now husband and wreaked chaos in the beginning stages of our relationship. He loved me and endured my behavior. When I got angry at him, I would lash out with violence. I busted the window out of his apartment once. I then began cheating on him. After two years of cheating, I finally told him out of guilt and a true desire to change my life. After I told him I had cheated, he went crazy for about a year and I dealt with it because I wanted him to forgive me. I mean he went crazy in the aspect that I was a "Hoe" every other day when he would call me to inform me how stupid and trifling I was, then a day or two later he loved me and wanted us to work it out. During this hectic time, I got pregnant twice- the first one, we aborted. The second time, I had an ectopic pregnancy and almost lost my life.I got pregnant because on his good days he wanted another baby and I believed him being so very naaive. He cursed the babies from the beginning and said he hated me for getting pregnant. I found out during this year, he had slept with several women in order to get even with me. Even still to this day, he doesn't take responsibility for all the things he put me through while I was trying to earn his forgiveness, he says if I had never cheated on him it wouldn't have happened. So,it's all my fault. Fast forward another year- we decided to put all of our past hurts behind us and get married because we truly loved each other and wanted to get married.
The first year of marriage was rough, he was unemployed (Lost his job soon after we wed) so I had to carry the weight of our finances. I was pregnant with child two and went on bed rest the last two months of my pregnancy. During this time, he was so mean and cruel to me. He even hit me while I was pregnant with our child. I left a couple of times and stayed with my sister or my parents. The first time he hit me, I couldn' t believe it. This is the man who wouldn't hit back before we wed. I can't even remember what we argued about, it wasn't worth physical violence is all I know.Also,during my pregnancy he stopped having sex with me. We went months without having sex, I felt so neglected being pregnant and all.He swears he wasn't cheating on me, I don't know. Somehow I thought things had improved because nothing has happened since after my son was born. His meanness came to a sudden halt after I had my son and he got a job. He still didn't treat me as well as he did in the earlier years but it wasn't bad either.
Then, this past friday night. I was upset with him. I was upset because all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me for an entire week. I asked him what was wrong, he would say nothing. Finally, on day seven- I said enough and demanded he give me an explanation. Was it something I did? I didn't know what the problem was. He cursed me out on the phone asking me to just leave him the hell alone. I got angry at his response and hit the wall in our bedroom.. the wall now has a hole in it. He finally gets home and becomes immediately enraged because I put a hole in the wall just cuz "he stopped talking to me". The next thing I know, I'm in a chokehold, being choked, slapped and pushed around. I fight back the best I can. He ends up with a busted lip and nose, I end up with a black eye, busted lip and very sore neck.
To make matters worse, my children witnessed the entire thing. My daughter screaming for us to please stop. Now, I think that he never healed from me cheating on him and he will never love me the same. He tried and thought he could, which is why we got married.
I went and got an apartment (when the last event happened, I promised myself that if it happened again, I would have a way out and money saved). So, He finds out I'm moving and suddenly becomes remorseful. He had nothing to say to me up until I said I found a place and would be moving out next week.
I don't want a divorce. I want to be with my husband and I want my children to grow up in a two parent home. But I don't want the marriage I have now. It has to change. I think seperation is the best thing we can do for our family and our marriage. Counseling is a must. There is a whole lot of healing that needs to take place and I don't think it will happen with us living under the same roof.
He says separation leads to divorce, it's just a way for people to get used to being without each other and moving on. He finally agreed to go to counseling if I agree to stay, but even with that I just don't feel in my heart that he is sincere. I take accountability for everything I ever did, but he never does. He always, always finds a way to place the blame on me. If i hadn't made him mad, it wouldn't have escalated to physical violence.
in my mind, I know I should leave. But my heart tells me there's hope for my marriage.My mother and sister tell me to take my kids and move into that apartment ASAP & not to look back. I'm having second thoughts because if I hadn't have been so bruised when we first met, maybe he wouldn't have turned into the cold, heartless man that he is towards me today. He doesn't love me the same. Our sex life has never been what it was prior to pre-cheating days. My tears used to make him turn to mush, now he shrugs his shoulders.What do I do??

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG- JUST TRYING TO GIVE AN HONEST DEPICTION.

All responses welcome.

Thanks!

 

[JustKiya]

You almost made me black out IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN because I wanted to know why the hell you hadn't said boo to me in a WEEK?

I'm out. Bye. Peace. There is no way I could trust you again, and there is no way I want my children to think such behaviour is EVER acceptable. Hell no.

Yeah, I did wrong, but putting your hands on me is an AUTOMATIC deal breaker. I woulda left when he hit me WHILE I WAS CARRYING HIS CHILD.

Screw. That.

Holla!

 

[lexi08]

This situation is highly dysfunctional. I don't like to recommend couples divorce all willy nilly, but in this situation I think its best. Just too much drama especially for the kids. She should just get out now.

 

[Filmatic]

She needs to remember if the daughter is witnessing it she will be in this same situation when she older. I would have left with the cheater, the beating is far too much.


Wanting a '2 parent home' is why so many women end up dead.

 

[Ladybelle]

I would love to hear from someone who has been in and successfully recovered from something like this. It's easy for me and others who've never been there to say "just get out, while the getting is good" but she doesn't see it that way.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for her and her children.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Having witnessed several women around me in abusive relationships such as these...it's unrepairable. She'll kill herself trying to 'get back' what they had and..I never want to say it's 'impossible' but it's HIGHLY likely that what they had before all the mess is gone for good.

Just a sidebar on this: What is this wiring with men that if they get cheated on, the solution is never to leave the girl. It's to stay with her and torture her by cheating back. I don't freakin get it! I mean he shouldn't have married her in the first place. Strange creatures men are.

 

[ThickHair]

It's easy for me and others who've never been there to say "just get out, while the getting is good" but she doesn't see it that way.

Then she will continue to stay and get that arse beat and her daughter will continue the cycle. She needs to stop the cycle if not for her then for her daughter.

ETA: 2 words "Hot Grits"

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*lighten up a newport one hunnit*8

da hell..... *puff*

this is what i get from da letter. initially he felt sorry for her, and so he took that on as her needing him. then she went buck wild and started cheating on him, then, she the unthinkable...she admitted that she cheated. Cardinal Rule No. 1 - NEVER admit to a man that you've slept with someone else. THAT IS A NO-NO I don't care how guilty you feel, that was her fatal mistake right there. See, with men, just the thought of his woman giving away his stuff is critical and they will never let you live it down. Then they had a pitty marriage....they both married each other out of pitty and emotional dependence. emotional dependence meaning they were sucking the life forces out of each other..hanging on like leeches.

Cardinal Rule No. 2. Never have a baby to keep a man. Wrong move, cuz now he'll feel like he's trapped and take his fustrations out on you.

She needs counseling herself and right now, I don't think she can see that. So until she recognizes it, this battered cycle will continue. Her self esteem is at an all time low and she has to look in the mirror and realize what is most important ...her and the kids or him.

So, my advice to her is to seek counseling and get some help. But because she's had a traumatic life growing up, getting her to seek counseling is going to be hard, until she recognizes.

 

[msa]

All I know is that if she were my friend, I would have called CPS. Getting her kid removed would be just the wake up call she needs.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I haven't been in a situation exactly like hers...but I have been in an abusive relationship (not married), and I got out. I had a six year old with the man...that I had to please him ( didn't work- he was never pleased).

The problem in your friend's situation is that he's not able to forgive, he can't get past it.

It's obvious because he tries to constantly punish her..he is trying to get back at her for what happened years ago.

I knew a guy who was married 13 years, his wife cheated on him, their first year, he told her that he forgave her...but he has cheated on her the entire 12 years since.

He has no plans to stop. The problem is you can never really get even..that's why he and the other guy keep trying to inflict pain/ revenge.

I think they hope that one day, they will eventually get even, and then they can stop and be normal, but that revenge never comes. So their so-called "forgiveness" doesn't either.

Forgiveness can only come from God.

With all that has happened..I don't think it's gonna work...sorry.

 

[Renewed1]

I remember when I was 18 my then boyfriend threaten to hit me. I told him, "I can't stop you from hitting me, if you so desire to do that. You are a man and stronger than I. But understand this, that you better kill me. Because when I heal, I'm going to bring you real close to God."

He never hit or threaten to hit me again.

Opster, tell your friend its over, let it go and live her life.

 

[AceH]

Looks like immature behavior from lack of dealing with past issues (during childhood) caused her to repeat the cycle.

Only she can break the cycle.

This man has lost all respect for her, and I doubt counseling will work. They need to part ways and SHE needs to seek counseling for herself.

 

[Mai Tai]

Ok...see...regardless of the fact that she cheated on him first, he is still a grown *** man. Meaning that he is the only one that has complete control over his own actions. All this self-blaming, and guilt is for the birds. If he was going to truly forgive her then he would, but he is choosing to be unfaithful, and is continuing to blame her his infidelity. What a load of bull!!

Don't even get me started on the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. She needs to take her children and run as fast as she can. She has a duty as a mother to protect her children even if the danger is coming from their own father.

 

[Samory07]

I remember when I was 18 my then boyfriend threaten to hit me. I told him, "I can't stop you from hitting me, if you so desire to do that. You are a man and stronger than I. But understand this, that you better kill me. Because when I heal, I'm going to bring you real close to God."

My mother warned my father about this very same thing when they got married 22 years ago after seeing her father abuse her mother for soooo many years. She said almost these exact same words to my father and he never ever thought to lay a hand on her


OP my advice is for her to get out of there and to not look back. If he was bold enough to 1. hit here while she was pregnant and then 2. hit her again in front of THEIR child then he obviously doesn't care about them or respect them. If he can not hold a conversation, argument, disagreement or whatever without verbally or physically abusing her than he is not fit to me anyone's husband.

She is a grown woman, she is not a child who needs a beating to be brought back into line. He has no right to be putting his hands on her no matter what the situation was. He needs for some woman to put a good heavy skillet to his head for this foolishness...smh

And I clicked the wrong button in the poll I meant to click divorce.

 

[TayMac]

I'd say leave and do it quickly. Next time he might kill her. It's obvious he hasn't forgiven her for the cheating and I doubt he will get over it. From the letter, it appears things have escalated..they aren't getting better even by a smidge.

Her daughter already has a bad memory of her father imprinted in her mind.

What will it take for her to leave? Him laying hands on the kids?

I know what it's like to love an abusive man but the scars (physical, mental, emotional) are SO not worth it. I hope and pray she is given the strength to do what is necessary.

In all honesty, they never should have been married.

It's not a 2 parent home if one of you is dead.

 

[Ladybelle]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I soooo agree with everyone. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't telling my friend something biasedly. I know waaay more details than what I told and I just can't stand his behind.

She was approved for the apartment, all she has to do is go sign the lease and move in. She's having second thoughts now because he's promised to get counseling if she'll stay. In addition to that, he relies on her income to make ends meet. Without her money, all the bills don't get paid. So, she feels even more guilty for leaving him in a financially strapped situation. What's the alternative though, continue the cycle of dysfunction???


I don't know.... Maybe I should let her see this thread??? I only described the situation, the names weren't given so maybe she'll see past me putting her situation out there and see what everyone who can see clearly (obviously she can't ) thinks about the situation.

 

[Ladybelle]

I'd say leave and do it quickly. Next time he might kill her. It's obvious he hasn't forgiven her for the cheating and I doubt he will get over it. From the letter, it appears things have escalated..they aren't getting better even by a smidge.

Her daughter already has a bad memory of her father imprinted in her mind.

What will it take for her to leave? Him laying hands on the kids?

I know what it's like to love an abusive man but the scars (physical, mental, emotional) are SO not worth it. I hope and pray she is given the strength to do what is necessary.

In all honesty, they never should have been married.

It's not a 2 parent home if one of you is dead.

This so true. My heart aches for my friend-- I love her sooo much. I cry for her. It is sooo not worth it.If she can just find the strength to do what is necessary like you said, she and her kids will be much better off.

 

[Ladybelle]

My mother warned my father about this very same thing when they got married 22 years ago after seeing her father abuse her mother for soooo many years. She said almost these exact same words to my father and he never ever thought to lay a hand on her


OP my advice is for her to get out of there and to not look back. If he was bold enough to 1. hit here while she was pregnant and then 2. hit her again in front of THEIR child then he obviously doesn't care about them or respect them. If he can not hold a conversation, argument, disagreement or whatever without verbally or physically abusing her than he is not fit to me anyone's husband.

She is a grown woman, she is not a child who needs a beating to be brought back into line. He has no right to be putting his hands on her no matter what the situation was. He needs for some woman to put a good heavy skillet to his head for this foolishness...smh

And I clicked the wrong button in the poll I meant to click divorce.

You know, my friend vowed never to endure domestic violence because she knows how witnessing affected her, but look what's happening??? Now she makes excuses, it's not as bad as what her dad to her mom. I tell her, it's not that bad.... yet! It keeps getting worse each time.

LMAO @ putting a skillet to his head! I'm laughing to keep from doign it myself.

 

[Ladybelle]

Ok...see...regardless of the fact that she cheated on him first, he is still a grown *** man. Meaning that he is the only one that has complete control over his own actions. All this self-blaming, and guilt is for the birds. If he was going to truly forgive her then he would, but he is choosing to be unfaithful, and is continuing to blame her his infidelity. What a load of bull!!

Don't even get me started on the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. She needs to take her children and run as fast as she can. She has a duty as a mother to protect her children even if the danger is coming from their own father.

Agreed! that duty is what led her to go get the apartment, but now her strength is waning. The longer she stays there, the more she is put under his proverbial thumb. He is grown, but forgiveness obviously is not his strong suit.

 

[Ladybelle]

Looks like immature behavior from lack of dealing with past issues (during childhood) caused her to repeat the cycle.

Only she can break the cycle.

This man has lost all respect for her, and I doubt counseling will work. They need to part ways and SHE needs to seek counseling for herself.

Girl, I'm sitting here at my desk almost in tears. That's absolutely it- you said it in six words. he cannot do it, her kids cannot do it- only she can break the cycle. My prayer undoubtedly is that she does.

 

[Ladybelle]

*lighten up a newport one hunnit*8

da hell..... *puff*

this is what i get from da letter. initially he felt sorry for her, and so he took that on as her needing him. then she went buck wild and started cheating on him, then, she the unthinkable...she admitted that she cheated. Cardinal Rule No. 1 - NEVER admit to a man that you've slept with someone else. THAT IS A NO-NO I don't care how guilty you feel, that was her fatal mistake right there. See, with men, just the thought of his woman giving away his stuff is critical and they will never let you live it down. Then they had a pitty marriage....they both married each other out of pitty and emotional dependence. emotional dependence meaning they were sucking the life forces out of each other..hanging on like leeches.

Cardinal Rule No. 2. Never have a baby to keep a man. Wrong move, cuz now he'll feel like he's trapped and take his fustrations out on you.

She needs counseling herself and right now, I don't think she can see that. So until she recognizes it, this battered cycle will continue. Her self esteem is at an all time low and she has to look in the mirror and realize what is most important ...her and the kids or him.

So, my advice to her is to seek counseling and get some help. But because she's had a traumatic life growing up, getting her to seek counseling is going to be hard, until she recognizes.

What else will it take for her to recognize? I mean, hasn't it been enough already?? Being honest with her man, lost her man. Someone else also mentioned it- men just aren't wired to truly forgive infidelity. I don't know any who actually know about it and lived past it.

LOL@ you lighting up a newport! That's so real.

 

[Ladybelle]

All I know is that if she were my friend, I would have called CPS. Getting her kid removed would be just the wake up call she needs.

Don't you think that's a little bit harsh? It may have been a wake up call for her, but I think it would add additional trauma to the kids. To see their mother hit on and then be taken from her? They are clinging to her right now and I think that would impact them even worse.

 

[Ladybelle]

Having witnessed several women around me in abusive relationships such as these...it's unrepairable. She'll kill herself trying to 'get back' what they had and..I never want to say it's 'impossible' but it's HIGHLY likely that what they had before all the mess is gone for good.

Just a sidebar on this: What is this wiring with men that if they get cheated on, the solution is never to leave the girl. It's to stay with her and torture her by cheating back. I don't freakin get it! I mean he shouldn't have married her in the first place. Strange creatures men are.

***Nods head**** Yep, that is so true. I think she probably should have just left him during the year she tried so hard to "earn" his forgiveness. While he went around and did whatever he wanted to do with whomever he wanted to do it with.

On the sidebar- i don't know, but i think it's absolutely insane.

 

[Highly Favored8]

*lighten up a newport one hunnit*8

da hell..... *puff*

this is what i get from da letter. initially he felt sorry for her, and so he took that on as her needing him. then she went buck wild and started cheating on him, then, she the unthinkable...she admitted that she cheated. Cardinal Rule No. 1 - NEVER admit to a man that you've slept with someone else. THAT IS A NO-NO I don't care how guilty you feel, that was her fatal mistake right there. See, with men, just the thought of his woman giving away his stuff is critical and they will never let you live it down. Then they had a pitty marriage....they both married each other out of pitty and emotional dependence. emotional dependence meaning they were sucking the life forces out of each other..hanging on like leeches.

Cardinal Rule No. 2. Never have a baby to keep a man. Wrong move, cuz now he'll feel like he's trapped and take his fustrations out on you.

She needs counseling herself and right now, I don't think she can see that. So until she recognizes it, this battered cycle will continue. Her self esteem is at an all time low and she has to look in the mirror and realize what is most important ...her and the kids or him.

So, my advice to her is to seek counseling and get some help. But because she's had a traumatic life growing up, getting her to seek counseling is going to be hard, until she recognizes.

 

[tocktick]

I don't want a divorce. I want to be with my husband and I want my children to grow up in a two parent home.

A classic example of some people taking this "two-parent home is better" business to the absolute extreme. If there's cheating and violence it's NOT a good place to raise children - it's much, much worse than a stable 1-parent home, imo.

This whole situation is madness. Why is this a question again? Yeah, they both need counselling for sure - SEPARATELY and not in order to rectify their disaster zone of a marriage. As they both have a ton of issues that they need to deal with as individuals. He thinks it's ok to get revenge by sleeping around and hits women. She would willing endanger herself and the well-being of her children by being with an abusive man. Alarm bells all around. She needs to leave now.

Tbh, if this was my sister or relative and she wouldn't listen to reason, I would be finding ways to take the kids away. Clearly, having watched her mother be a victim, she is now stuck in that cycle. Her kids should not have to suffer the same fate.

eta: when I say I would try to take the kids - I mean to live with family, not strangers. Maybe it's harsh but would I rather sit back knowing that young, innocent children were watching their mother get hit, cursed out etc? I'm sorry but no child needs to grow up in that environment - harsh or not. It's a shame dysfunctional people brought life into the world in the first place but now the kids are here they shouldn't suffer for their parents actions. Ultimately, these kids will internalise everything that goes on and years later if they become abusers or victims, I would feel partially responsible knowing that I sat back and didn't do jack. When their mother comes to her senses, she could come get the kids and raise them like a stable adult.

 

[AtlantaJJ]

Physical abuse is a deal breaker, point blank period.

Physical violence has a tendency to escalate, not get better with time.

There are children involved, that need a sane rational thinking parent in their life more than anything right now. Move on and get yourself and the kids some counseling.

I am so sorry you and your children had to go through all that

 

[Samory07]

You know, my friend vowed never to endure domestic violence because she knows how witnessing affected her, but look what's happening??? Now she makes excuses, it's not as bad as what her dad to her mom. I tell her, it's not that bad.... yet! It keeps getting worse each time.

LMAO @ putting a skillet to his head! I'm laughing to keep from doign it myself.

Lmbo! But yes it's not that bad yet, and I'm praying that she leaves before it does get that bad..

 

[Caramela]

I think she should take a minute like her "first mind" told her to do and move. Get her apartment. Try the separation. Clear her head and make a sound decision.
Her emotions are pulling her back to him eventhough she knows she should go. So as long as she remains with him nothing will change.
She said he's open to counseling.
She can move out and do the couseling and THEN make her decison about divorce.

 

[Nayna]

I think she needs to leave and take time out for herself because clearly she needs some type of counseling as well. There's a lot of built up animosity between them and they need some time apart.

A good friend of mine was physically abused by her first childs father. When she left him and got with her current man it was a big change for her. Her new man was sweet and not abusive and she just didn't get it. She pushed him and pushed and hit on him until one day he couldn't take it and he lashed out (she bit him on his chest). This was approximately 6 years ago, they've been together for 8 years now, they have a child together and he is now completely horrible to her!

To make a long story short she needs to work on herself before she can be with anyone else and I think this situation can't be helped right now, he's already gone too far. Physical abuse, especially in front of children just repeats the cycle.

 

[MyAngelEyez~C~U]

I was in a relationship that mirrors the one your friend is in. She should get out while she has her youth and her strength to do so. He will never stop hitting her, the kids suffer badly (all of the kids I had in the house during my marriage are damaged to some degree). I had to leave the state to make sure I wouldn't go back, because unfortunately, you always hope things can change, and that urge to go back is strong at first. I needed to be far enough away from the situation to begin to see clearly without his intervention.

She will be better off leaving, and starting anew.