Krissie You Just Outta Forget about him....Not easy...

SimpleKomplexity

SimpleKomplexity

New Member
I got sooo pissed and deleted my myspace, college luv, yahoo, aim accounts. The person I should be pissed at is myself though

I've been on this board for a year and I still can't get over my ex. It hurts my feelings that he's back with his fiance, and I'm still sitting her with only goblins and goobers to talk to. I sit her thinkin, how in the world could he choose HER over me. What she got that I don't? But ya know what? I'm still in the same situation. I'm just a random gurl to him and sitting here with my heart broken in a million pieces.

Everything has gotten a little bit better I must say. I don't talk to him every week but at least once a week it seems when he calls me, and he seems to always call me about something sexually related that I'm not feelin since I know he has a girl. He won't admit it, but I'm going with my gut and self respect, but he's not respecting it.

I dunno....I wish I could get on the dating scene

I read Calling in the One.... I tried being a Rules girl...that still needs work. I'm not attracting anyone, and it doesn't help i go to a women's university with few guys. Yall I just wish I had a friend guy to get my mind off my ex. Not neceesarily a boyfriend, but at least a lending ear.

Instead I'm lookin stupid thinkin about callin the oh so familiar number and asking him to spend time with me. I think I'm jealous. All my friends go out with their friend guys no prob, but with me it's like I can never find a good guy. Heck, I can barely find any guy. They're all blase, one thing in mind with no future. And because they have no future with me.

A lot of people would say....oh blah blah you have your whole life to....blah blah....wait your time will....blah..... But dang doesn't a gurl deserve a little excitement...or even a chance....hmpf I'm tired of these trolls
 
Awww you'll be ok. First you need to stop answering his calls. I understand the need for male companionship. Boy don't I know!!!! But he has moved on so should you. I know it's hard when you don't have anyone to date, but that will come in time. Create your own excitement!!! Make some new friends, expand your circle. Good Luck girl!! It's tough out here for us single gals, but being single can be soooo much fun!!! Enjoy it while you have it, because when we get boyfriends he will drive us to no end.
 
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that maybe what you need is to not focus on men, period. Yea, I know it sounds so easy to say, but you can't keep bouncing from dude to dude, to keep from recognizing what's really bothering you, or what's really plaguing you.

And I'd also venture to say, until you take the time to address ____ (whatever it is), it'll probably be difficult to build and maintain a meaningful relationship, that isn't based on physical attraction and "coloring".

The things that I've learned being recently single:

- Men like busy chicks, chicks who have lives, who do things with or without them, who get up in the morning and dress up (or don't dress up) not for men, or women, but simply for themselves.

- Men like the "chase" because rewards can be interpreted like "conquests". No different than us, they like to believe that their wonderful-ness ultimately leads to a change in our behavior (and vice versa - cuz we women thrive off the same things).

- Relationships are ultimately about how the person that you're with makes you feel about yourself and vice versa (how you contribute to someone else's on feelings of self-worth, self-sufficiency etc). If you do little to make a man feel, in the day to day, how he esteems to be, the second he finds a woman who gives him that, he will be hers... Is it only about feeding egos? No...because there's more to a person's "self worth" than their ego, confidence and self-esteem. But recognize that how you contribute to how he sees himself is a big part of what keeps him coming back...
 
MsNadi said:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that maybe what you need is to not focus on men, period. Yea, I know it sounds so easy to say, but you can't keep bouncing from dude to dude, to keep from recognizing what's really bothering you, or what's really plaguing you.

And I'd also venture to say, until you take the time to address ____ (whatever it is), it'll probably be difficult to build and maintain a meaningful relationship, that isn't based on physical attraction and "coloring".

The things that I've learned being recently single:

- Men like busy chicks, chicks who have lives, who do things with or without them, who get up in the morning and dress up (or don't dress up) not for men, or women, but simply for themselves.

- Men like the "chase" because rewards can be interpreted like "conquests". No different than us, they like to believe that their wonderful-ness ultimately leads to a change in our behavior (and vice versa - cuz we women thrive off the same things).

- Relationships are ultimately about how the person that you're with makes you feel about yourself and vice versa (how you contribute to someone else's on feelings of self-worth, self-sufficiency etc). If you do little to make a man feel, in the day to day, how he esteems to be, the second he finds a woman who gives him that, he will be hers... Is it only about feeding egos? No...because there's more to a person's "self worth" than their ego, confidence and self-esteem. But recognize that how you contribute to how he sees himself is a big part of what keeps him coming back...
Click to expand...


This iis true. I feel that maybe I don't need to focus on relationships right now, but that is soo hard. I mean I'm a busy chick, but even the busiest bee feels lonely at times. I would love to go out explore a little bit more to gain more meaningful friendships and maybe meet a few guy friends who are good to talk to from time to time, but I struggle with that. It seems like I can't get any guy to approach me or even really talk to me to get to know me. I only get a possible chance is possible "coloring talk sessions" are involved. Like I said before, I'm not in that phase of my life. I just wish I had other things to occupy my mind adequately so I wouldn't be so focused on him or men in general :nono:. but if I add anything else to my scheldule, I'm bound to go krazy....
 
I'm going to go ahead and co-sign with MsNadi. I think you need time ALONE to sort through some things. I'd be willing to bet that part of the reason you aren't attracting anyone is because your energy is tainted with desperation or neediness (not meant to be an insult) and/or because you're still pining over this ex. How can another man come into your life and set up shop if you're still cleaning up the mess from the last one?

And um, the problem with getting over him is that you're still entertaining him. Getting over someone is exceptionally difficult - bordering on impossible - when you are in consistent contact with that person immediately after the breakup. It could be 1 year or 10 years...if you don't put some distance and time between the 2 of you, you will continue to feel stuck and not "over" him.

Why are you comparing yourself to her? YOU are who YOU are...and that's enough. Any man who can not see and appreciate your worth doesn't deserve you anyway so his reasons for choosing the next chick are irrelevant. It sounds like this is an issue of self-image/self-worth. A grown man will make CHOICES...they are his to make and he is entitled to them. That does NOT take anything away from you...you have to know that. Your validation has got to come from some place else or you'll always be disappointed. You've got to consider yourself valuable, desirable, and wonderful just because you...not because someone has chosen you.

And why in the world would you want a man who is clearly lacking in integrity? If he's back with the other chick yet calling you on some sexual okey doke, then really, why do you want him? If he lacking in ethics/morals and if he is a selfish man, then he just IS! You can't fix that, and it's not worth your effort to try.

I don't think the dating scene or a new guy is what you need at all. What you need is to become your own best friend and give yourself the love you want most. When you do that, you'll notice dudes, including this sorry ex, coming out of the woodworks trying to get at you. Like MsNadi said, men like a woman who is confident and has a life of her own (one that cannot stand entirely on its own without a man).

Why do you want to spend time with him? What do you get out of that interaction? We only repeat behaviors that result in some value being created...even if its destructive. I think you should really figure out what's going on with that and why you feel the need to have somebody all the time.

And yes, you deserve all the excitement, fun, and fine men you can stand...right after you get right with YOU. When we don't make the changes we need to make, life has a funny way of forcing us to make them.

I know it sounds all hokey, but the thing you need most to get past it is YOU.

Hugs to you. You are stronger than you realize.
 
I do NOT know how to be alone with myself. Oh I can do it for a day or too when the sun is out....when it rains it pours and I want the comfort of knowing someone is near :ohwell: I just dunno how in the world to occup my time enough that I'm not in solitude in my room bored or boggled down from cosntant school / work. I really think aloneness scares the heck out of me.

Divine Inspiration said:
I'm going to go ahead and co-sign with MsNadi. I think you need time ALONE to sort through some things. I'd be willing to bet that part of the reason you aren't attracting anyone is because your energy is tainted with desperation or neediness (not meant to be an insult) and/or because you're still pining over this ex. How can another man come into your life and set up shop if you're still cleaning up the mess from the last one?

And um, the problem with getting over him is that you're still entertaining him. Getting over someone is exceptionally difficult - bordering on impossible - when you are in consistent contact with that person immediately after the breakup. It could be 1 year or 10 years...if you don't put some distance and time between the 2 of you, you will continue to feel stuck and not "over" him.

Why are you comparing yourself to her? YOU are who YOU are...and that's enough. Any man who can not see and appreciate your worth doesn't deserve you anyway so his reasons for choosing the next chick are irrelevant. It sounds like this is an issue of self-image/self-worth. A grown man will make CHOICES...they are his to make and he is entitled to them. That does NOT take anything away from you...you have to know that. Your validation has got to come from some place else or you'll always be disappointed. You've got to consider yourself valuable, desirable, and wonderful just because you...not because someone has chosen you.

And why in the world would you want a man who is clearly lacking in integrity? If he's back with the other chick yet calling you on some sexual okey doke, then really, why do you want him? If he lacking in ethics/morals and if he is a selfish man, then he just IS! You can't fix that, and it's not worth your effort to try.

I don't think the dating scene or a new guy is what you need at all. What you need is to become your own best friend and give yourself the love you want most. When you do that, you'll notice dudes, including this sorry ex, coming out of the woodworks trying to get at you. Like MsNadi said, men like a woman who is confident and has a life of her own (one that cannot stand entirely on its own without a man).

Why do you want to spend time with him? What do you get out of that interaction? We only repeat behaviors that result in some value being created...even if its destructive. I think you should really figure out what's going on with that and why you feel the need to have somebody all the time.

And yes, you deserve all the excitement, fun, and fine men you can stand...right after you get right with YOU. When we don't make the changes we need to make, life has a funny way of forcing us to make them.

I know it sounds all hokey, but the thing you need most to get past it is YOU.

Hugs to you. You are stronger than you realize.
Click to expand...
 
Krazynkute0188 said:
I do NOT know how to be alone with myself. Oh I can do it for a day or too when the sun is out....when it rains it pours and I want the comfort of knowing someone is near :ohwell: I just dunno how in the world to occup my time enough that I'm not in solitude in my room bored or boggled down from cosntant school / work. I really think aloneness scares the heck out of me.
Click to expand...

:yep: There's part of the problem.

Do you have goals outlined for yourself? If so, are they written down? If so, are they posted where you can see them? This is important. People who are goal-oriented tend to be less depressed and less bored and more capable of gracefully handling life's curve balls. What do you want for yourself? When you envision your ideal life, what do you see?

How do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you think you suck? Do you think you're ok but need some work? If you had to write an essay about yourself, what would it say?

Relationships serve a variety of purposes in our lives. If you can't stand to be alone and enjoy your own company, then naturally you will attract men who simply want to pass your time. Until you make investments in yourself and enjoy yourself, no one else will.

What do you enjoy doing? There are SO many wonderful things for you to do. You just joined a sorority...what kinds of things are they doing in the community? Have you considered volunteer work? Do you exercise? Are you involved in spiritual growth activities? Do you do things with friends?

I think the first priority should be getting to the bottom of that alone time thing though. Pray, cry, read, journal, meditate, get counseling...do whatever you need to do, but that time alone is critical to personal development and personal growth. You can't avoid yourself forever.
 
Firstly STOP
I repeat stop picking up his calls!!! this is essential! if it gets too hard to ignore him change your number. Dont tell him; just change it! I'm not trying to be rude i totally understand as i was in a similar position as I was in it with my exfor many years!
He's using you, and most definately disrespecting you by calling you EVERY week and talking about sex related subjects. To him you're a ego booster. Someone who makes him feel better about himself.
Stop thinking about how he chose his fiance over you. He doesn't respect her either!! She is not the lucky one in this situation. YOU are! A decent man would lock off all connections with an ex if he was truly in love with a woman. He is not worth having!
You were not the problem. He is!
You know you're an amazing person and would make an amazing girlfriend!

Focus on yourself! That's what I've been doing since my breakup i've tried to build my shattered self-esteem.
Stuff I've done:

read silly amounts of books on personal development
glamourfied myself (that girl challenge verrry important)
started ballet
cried for no reason
gone to clubs


I suggest reading emotional unavailability by Bryn C Collins as from the little you've said your ex (like mine) seems emotionally unavailable! It'll help you understand things better and hopefully help move on.

(sorry if im going onn abit)

If you take one thing away from my monologue is dont pick up his calls. Every day you don't you'll feel more enpowered, trust me! First you'll be counting the days then the months then you'll think- wow!!! Aren't I strong!
I personally think change your number simply to avoid the point where he doesn't call and you start getting miserable thinking why he hasn't called, maybe he's forgotten about you, he hates you blah blah..
With the number change the shift of power is in your court theres only one reason why he hasn't called. He can't!

You will have another boyfriend and he'll be 10x better than you wasteman ex! Thats a guarantee or get your money back :)
 
Krazynkute0188 said:
This iis true. I feel that maybe I don't need to focus on relationships right now, but that is soo hard. I mean I'm a busy chick, but even the busiest bee feels lonely at times. I would love to go out explore a little bit more to gain more meaningful friendships and maybe meet a few guy friends who are good to talk to from time to time, but I struggle with that. It seems like I can't get any guy to approach me or even really talk to me to get to know me. I only get a possible chance is possible "coloring talk sessions" are involved. Like I said before, I'm not in that phase of my life. I just wish I had other things to occupy my mind adequately so I wouldn't be so focused on him or men in general :nono:. but if I add anything else to my scheldule, I'm bound to go krazy....
Click to expand...

Here's the thing: how many of the activities that you're involved in are you PASSIONATE about, and how many of them are time fillers, resume boosters, etc?

...looking at a calendar or blackberry and seeing a full schedule doesn't mean you necessarily are engaged in activities that are filling your spirit.

As far as Mr. Man goes, why are you letting a man who can't make up his mind come in and out of your life?

Real talk, if he really wanted you, for you - he'd be with you. He wouldn't be running off to his lady-friend-ex-fiancee and then come back to you (truth be told - his actions show that he's really not sure he wants HER either). You're better than that and you deserve more than that.

...warm bodies don't actually keep you warm at night...
 
MsNadi said:
Here's the thing: how many of the activities that you're involved in are you PASSIONATE about, and how many of them are time fillers, resume boosters, etc?

...looking at a calendar or blackberry and seeing a full schedule doesn't mean you necessarily are engaged in activities that are filling your spirit.

As far as Mr. Man goes, why are you letting a man who can't make up his mind come in and out of your life?

Real talk, if he really wanted you, for you - he'd be with you. He wouldn't be running off to his lady-friend-ex-fiancee and then come back to you (truth be told - his actions show that he's really not sure he wants HER either). You're better than that and you deserve more than that.

...warm bodies don't actually keep you warm at night...
Click to expand...

The activities are true. I don't think currently I enjoy anything I do. It's a chore to go to class, work in the office, be a RA for these bad freshmen and etc. My problem is that I fall out of things I love really quickly. I might love them today and hate them tommorrow. Luckily for me that can change. I already had said I was getting out of the numerous time filling activities that I do on campus now. I'm going to cut it back to two organizations. Hopefully that will help me focus more on me, my studies, and allow me to have more free time to go out and do some social stuff.

Another thing is that I'm a people person or a social butterfly. I love to be around others, but lately that has changed. I don't want to be around anyone....including myself. Slowly over the holiday break, I am going to start going out more and trying to meet new people to talk to.

As for my ex. I dunno. I think one thing holding me back is that I've been trying for so long to cut the cord and he's still here. I'm not in the mentality that nothing is going to change so why bother? I think I am going avoid all of his phone calls and txts. I mean he does it to me, why can't I do the same? When he txs I will simply delete them, and the phone calls will stop. I will not try to replace him with another, cuz honestly I'm in the mindset where no one can replace him. He was "perfect" for me in my eyes, and until I stop wearing "rose colored glasses" he will remain that way.

When I think about it, despite being very independent during my whole life, I am a very needy person when it comes to relationships. I think even though I think my self esteem to me is very very very high (I'm arrogant come on now) I think there is something that bothers me and holds me back from being successful. I dunno if I feel like I am not worthy or whatever, but I wanna figure it out. Ima talk to my parents again and suggest that I go see a counselor to get lay things on the table and try to get my life back on track.

Overall I am very very unhappy. Because of that, I cling to this boy because that is when I was happy...even if it was very sporatic and short lived...
 
I understand how you feeling but maybe its time you had a long talk with yourself and let him go. If it meant to be he'll be back and if not then no sweat off your back K.I.M When you talk to him maybe you should tell him exactly what you posted here and put it out there. And if he still wants to call you and talk sexually then stop taking his calls.
 
This too shall pass and old wounds eventually heal. Trust me girl, you'll be fine. Just focus on taking care of you and everything else should fall into place (shoot....I should be taking my own advice)

Besides, you're too PRETTY to trip over him....cute siggy!
 
I agree with the poster that said change your number.All you are doing is prolonging the breakup even longer.Why do you need to talk to him at all?Is it because you think he will leave the fiance for you?And if he does,how will that make you feel in the long run?Its not easy because you still talking to him.How can you get over someone when you talking to him every week?You giving that boy the chance to have his cake and eat it too.
 
Krazynkute0188 said:
I do NOT know how to be alone with myself. Oh I can do it for a day or too when the sun is out....when it rains it pours and I want the comfort of knowing someone is near :ohwell: I just dunno how in the world to occup my time enough that I'm not in solitude in my room bored or boggled down from cosntant school / work. I really think aloneness scares the heck out of me.
Click to expand...

I think ALONE is what you need to be most in life right now honestly.

NO ONE is going to want to be with you if you dont want to "be" with yourself. No one is going to be able to love you, the way you want...until you love yourself FIRST. You can't give what you don't have, and right now...you don't have yourself.

You were born alone, and you ARE going to die alone (unless you take a few folks with you at the same second) so learning to live alone and get to know yourself are vital to your own survival.

NEVER put so much stock in ANY person that you don't know where you begin or end. Thats a total recipe for disaster.

The fact that your are in essence insignficant to him should rile you up and MAKE him so insignificant to you that he isn't even a thought.

I'm sure we've all been there and sometimes being pissed off works better (for you) than being hurt. (I know it sounds crazy, but it's true). Because when you're pissed off at someone you dont want to be bothered....so GET MAD!

Get mad at the fact that he wasted precious minutes of your life that you will never get back. Don't allow him to waste any more.
 
I love LHCF! I love how everyone is so wonderful to give sound advice to a sister in her time of pain. I have nothing to add. Keep your head up sis!
 
Here's a big :bighug:hug Krissie!

I've been there done that....It will get easier, but you have to stop ALL contact with the ex in my opinion!

I realized that I've been hoping in the back of my mind for my ex to call. Its been months....no call on my birthday.....no call on Thanksgiving!

I was still referring to him when talking with friends and family. I have been so tempted to call him just to say "hi". I wanted to "bump" into him looking fabulous so thar he would realize that he is missing out. I tried to justified that I just wated to make sure he was ok and check how he is doing. Why....when he has not checked on me once? What am I waiting for? Its over.....I need to make on!

Forget the crap about staying friends ( a true friend who wan the best for you) or being friends with "benefits" (don't help a man cheap) you deserve better!
 
Krazynkute0188 said:
When I think about it, despite being very independent during my whole life, I am a very needy person when it comes to relationships. I think even though I think my self esteem to me is very very very high (I'm arrogant come on now) I think there is something that bothers me and holds me back from being successful. I dunno if I feel like I am not worthy or whatever, but I wanna figure it out. Ima talk to my parents again and suggest that I go see a counselor to get lay things on the table and try to get my life back on track.

Overall I am very very unhappy. Because of that, I cling to this boy because that is when I was happy...even if it was very sporatic and short lived...
Click to expand...

I think you're very brave to be so open and honest with yourself and to share it with all of us. Keep searching within yourself to find out what is holding you back from being successful.

With regards to you being unhappy... what needs to happen in order for you to be happy? You see, as human beings we give/attach meaning to words like "happy"... we decide what it means to us. Write down everything that needs to happen in your life for you to feel this emotion... now circle those items which are in your control. For example someone might say I need my partner to tell me they love me and an A+ in math to feel happy today... obviously the former is not within one's immediate control while the latter is. The key is to concentrate on those things which are in your control that can elicit the emotion you're looking for. I've come to learn that having a cup of coffee and closing my office door in the morning for 15 minutes has me smiling for the rest of the day... extermly simple yet effective. Take it day by day.
 
I don't think anything is holding you back from being successful. You're in college, you're a RA, and I see that you've crossed (Congratulations). I've been going through a breakup as well. At first I was doubting myself & hurting. Accepting the calls/texts/IMs. All that. Finally I had to say enough was enough.

I deleted him from my FB, Myspace, AIM, etc.
I saved his # under "Do Not Answer".
I erased every photo I had of him.
I have gone back to reading/writing more.
I've started beautifying myself (makeup & clothes).
I'd let myself cry but I have no tears left for him.
I've started going out more.

I desperately hate being alone too. But we're going to have to learn how to do it if we ever want to have a successful relationship with ourselves. Skip men for right now. We have to have ourselves together before we can get with anybody else. So for right now I'm focusing on me. Being busy. And loving myself. HTH.
 
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