"Just" the girlfriend. When do you get to have a say?

[*KP*]

I've read several threads on here where a woman has a particular issue with her SO or something he has done however big or small and I am surprised by the number of responses that says "You are just the girlfriend, it's none of your business - when you are the wife, then you can talk" or something to that effect.

OK, a booty call probably does not have a say but IMO, when you are in a relationship you are often looking ahead and thinking about marriage even if it may be very far off.
So at what point can someone who is "just a girlfriend" raise these issues with her SO. 3 months? 6 months? When they get engaged? Or at the wedding - "Honey, now I have a ring on my finger I need to tell you that 2 years ago when I found those x-rated pictures of your baby mama on your table, I was p*ssed but I was "just a girlfriend" then so I didn't think I could say anything"

Personally, I think you should raise things that could be potential issues in the future as they arise, within reason of course - first you have to know if it's a real issue or if you are reading into stuff a bit too much. Obviously there is a difference between raising a potentially touchy subject on a 3rd date or 2 years down the line but doesn't anyone else think that something that can affect you and your SO's future IS your business?

ETA - I just had to clarify, I'm not talking about your SO thinking you are "just" a girlfriend. I'm talking about when others say that you should not have a say in some of your boyfriend's affairs because you are "only a girlfriend" and not a wife.

 

[dlewis]

Hi Special K,

girl, you picked a name, didn't you

I have never had anyone make me feel like I was just the girlfriend. The people I've dated value my opinon and made me feel special or I would not have been with them. If I can't say how I feel and it's valued (meaning they do something about whatever it is that I have an issue with) it's time for me to go.

 

[p31woman]

I agree with the OP

 

[Summer_Rain]

I've read several threads on here where a woman has a particular issue with her SO or something he has done however big or small and I am surprised by the number of responses that says "You are just the girlfriend, it's none of your business - when you are the wife, then you can talk" or something to that effect.

OK, a booty call probably does not have a say but IMO, when you are in a relationship you are often looking ahead and thinking about marriage even if it may be very far off.

So at what point can someone who is "just a girlfriend" raise these issues with her SO. 3 months? 6 months? When they get engaged? Or at the wedding - "Honey, now I have a ring on my finger I need to tell you that 2 years ago when I found those x-rated pictures of your baby mama on your table, I was p*ssed but I was "just a girlfriend" then so I didn't think I could say anything"

Personally, I think you should raise things that could be potential issues in the future as they arise, within reason of course - first you have to know if it's a real issue or if you are reading into stuff a bit too much. Obviously there is a difference between raising a potentially touchy subject on a 3rd date or 2 years down the line but doesn't anyone else think that something that can affect you and your SO's future IS your business?

IMHO - it varies by situation, circumstance, motive and history. I'd believe that even in a marriage, there are some things that husbands and wives just let "be" - because of the history behind it.

 

[FlowerHair]

My relationships have been few and far apart and always kinda serious, so for me there is no "just" the girlfriend. I am THE woman in his life

 

[*KP*]

Hi Special K,

girl, you picked a name, didn't you

I have never had anyone make me feel like I was just the girlfriend. The people I've dated value my opinon and made me feel special or I would not have been with them. If I can't say how I feel and it's valued (meaning they do something about whatever it is that I have an issue with) it's time for me to go.

TOTALLY agree. Some on these boards have given the impression you can't raise an issue unless you have a ring on your finger but I don't think you'll be able to keep that ring on your finger unless you do. I also agree with SummerRain about leaving some things alone though - some things don't need to be raised but if it's bugging you I think it enough of an issue to be raised in the right way, i.e. not shouting and screaming.

 

[Afrolinda]

I've read several threads on here where a woman has a particular issue with her SO or something he has done however big or small and I am surprised by the number of responses that says "You are just the girlfriend, it's none of your business - when you are the wife, then you can talk" or something to that effect.

OK, a booty call probably does not have a say but IMO, when you are in a relationship you are often looking ahead and thinking about marriage even if it may be very far off.

So at what point can someone who is "just a girlfriend" raise these issues with her SO. 3 months? 6 months? When they get engaged? Or at the wedding - "Honey, now I have a ring on my finger I need to tell you that 2 years ago when I found those x-rated pictures of your baby mama on your table, I was p*ssed but I was "just a girlfriend" then so I didn't think I could say anything"

Personally, I think you should raise things that could be potential issues in the future as they arise, within reason of course - first you have to know if it's a real issue or if you are reading into stuff a bit too much. Obviously there is a difference between raising a potentially touchy subject on a 3rd date or 2 years down the line but doesn't anyone else think that something that can affect you and your SO's future IS your business?

I totally agree with you and although I was just "the girlfriend" in my last relationship we discussed things together such as: should he moved or not? his future, his job, ways to increase his money, family etc.......

 

[*KP*]

My relationships have been few and far apart and always kinda serious, so for me there is no "just" the girlfriend. I am THE woman in his life

I don't see why it should be any other way in a serious relationship

 

[lexi08]

Well I have never had a man tell me or imply that I was "just a girlfriend" so I have no right to an opinion. I think somethings should be discussed others left alone. If I am with a guy and feel I am just a girlfriend, he getting the boot anyway.

 

[Summer_Rain]

TOTALLY agree. Some on these boards have given the impression you can't raise an issue unless you have a ring on your finger but I don't think you'll be able to keep that ring on your finger unless you do. I also agree with SummerRain about leaving some things alone though - some things don't need to be raised but if it's bugging you I think it enough of an issue to be raised in the right way, i.e. not shouting and screaming.

I understand what you mean. I feel that with every milestone or marker in a relationship there are boundaries as there is growth. Girlfriends have opinions, certainly we do. I'm not suggesting otherwise.

The role & place of a girlfriend is definitely different than a fiancee and light years different than a wife. IMHO, you shouldn't play wife, when you aren't one. Just like you shouldn't play girlfriend, when you aren't one.

 

[*KP*]

Well I have never had a man tell me or imply that I was "just a girlfriend" so I have no right to an opinion. I think somethings should be discussed others left alone. If I am with a guy and feel I am just a girlfriend, he getting the boot anyway.

For real, to the curb he goes if that was the case...
but my reason for starting the thread was more because some ladies (without calling anyone out - I can't even remember names anyhow) on the forum have implied the "just the girlfriend" thing not people's SO's themselves.

 

[PaperClip]

The role & place of a girlfriend is definitely different than a fiance and light years different than a wife. IMHO, you shouldn't play wife, when you aren't one. Just like you shouldn't play girlfriend, when you aren't one.

This is where SO MANY women miss it.... then they wanna get angry at ol' dude when that role isn't honored or reciprocated.... in practice and/or on paper....

 

[Amour]

I personally feel that the role/ 'power' etc of your relationship is not always a reflection of the status of your relationship. I know people who have been together for virtually forever but never married or even got engaged, now no one could tell me or them that they shouldn't take upon themselves the roles of a spouse. I would think such peoples relationships would be stronger and more worthy of claiming spouse status that those who havn't been together for long but got married on the spur of the moment or for the wrong reasons.

 

[BAP28]

exactly--i dont know how the other women are doing it--but i dont give an *** ---i am the mutha bleeping woman in your life and if you want me--you accept my opinions and point of views---okay

if a woman feels like she is just the girlfriend and deserves to play her position than she is an idiot--point blank
and when ish hits the fan in her rlp she wonders why--**** cuz you live by "im just the girlfriend" ideaology

I don't see why it should be any other way in a serious relationship

 

[tatje]

I have never been "just" the girlfriend. I am always top priority. But I do think sometimes women get into roles and think they cannot be replaced. Beyonce's to the left. At different stages you may have more say, but whose to say you will stay girlfriend forever or even wife forever. That's how people become exs. I would hate for an ex of my boyfriend to tell me your just a girlfriend. Well you are now an ex so what are you saying.

I guess when people have history you tend to want to hold on to history but it is what it is. History.

Also, I don't think any guy should let a girl feel like your just a girlfriend. What does that mean? So what, I'm one step up from a friend, just that you can get romantically involved with me and then I have no say when it comes to anything else? Sorry but I'm no one's slave or lust puppy. I have a mouth and I will use it (to speak that is).

 

[MizzBrown]

If I don't get to say anything or get some input then what am I there for? Decoration? I don't even give him a choice. I just say whatever the heck I feel and will ponder the relationship if he starts making huge decisions and neglected to tell me or ask input.

-You buy a car, I need to know about it. Sell it? I need to know.
-You decide to go to school or drop out, i need to know.
-You decide that you might wanna move to another state in the next 2 years, dammit i need to know so i can make decisions too!
-You decide to change your shift at work, i need to know.
-You decide to go on vacation with your boys or see family for the weekend, i need to know.
-You took a visit to the doctor for a checkup, i need to know and I want the results on paper too.
-You got a promotion/demotion at work, i need to know.

If you dont tell me little things then i wonder if you'll ever tell me big things and vice versa. I have learned harshly from my past relationships to KNOW and ponder why he won't tell you.

You are NOT going to lay next to me in bed and take advice from someone off the street rather than your girlfriend or have one of your boys know more information than me.

 

[14got]

a girlfriend of 2 weeks has no right to say what a man can or can't do for his kids

I will NEVER believe any different

you are NOT the mother
Fall back

 

[PaperClip]

If I don't get to say anything or get some input then what am I there for? Decoration? I don't even give him a choice. I just say whatever the heck I feel and will ponder the relationship if he starts making huge decisions and neglected to tell me or ask input.

-You buy a car, I need to know about it. Sell it? I need to know.
-You decide to go to school or drop out, i need to know.
-You decide that you might wanna move to another state in the next 2 years, dammit i need to know so i can make decisions too!
-You decide to change your shift at work, i need to know.
-You decide to go on vacation with your boys or see family for the weekend, i need to know.
-You took a visit to the doctor for a checkup, i need to know and I want the results on paper too.
-You got a promotion/demotion at work, i need to know.

If you dont tell me little things then i wonder if you'll ever tell me big things and vice versa. I have learned harshly from my past relationships to KNOW and ponder why he won't tell you.

You are NOT going to lay next to me in bed and take advice from someone off the street rather than your girlfriend or have one of your boys know more information than me.

You NEED to know or your WANT to know? Seriously? Or...

Ok... I'll explore this notion of the "NEED to know"...but for what purpose(s)?
The series of questions posted above is most likely relevant if you all are sharing body fluids and money and if body fluids and money are being shared on such a level, then hopefully there's been some level of commitment expressed and AGREED UPON by both parties.... Another need-to-know reason is so that you yourself can decide if this person/relationship is worth pursuing long term... so you can see patterns of behavior....

Trust, I'm all for GETTING INFORMATION AND UNDERSTANDING so I can make appropriate choices for ME in the dating relationship...but is it a question of "needing" to know so you can tell him what to do?

Or how about this: if he's not INCLUDING you in such significant decisions BEFOREHAND, maybe that's an indicator that he's already positioned you and determined the extent of your ROLE/FUNCTION, regardless of your TITLE: booty call, jump-off, girlfriend, fiancee, betrothed, OR EVEN WIFE....

 

[dlewis]

I think it's different for different people/couples. If you date just to be dating, you might not care about what they do.

I have date few guys just to be dating. Anyone I'm in a serious relationship with I need to feel that what I say is important to them.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

It depends. Having a say is one thing, but trying to change and mold a man out of what he has been doing for a million years AND you haven't made a lifelong commitment to him just seems odd to me. Is it possible that when you feel you have to interject in large issues that affect things like children and jobs that he's not the man for you?

You should be getting information, but I don't necessarily know if a girlfriend should be interjecting in large issues. If you disagree with how a boyfriend is handling large issues (not little dumb stuff, mind you), why not bounce?

In the example the OP gave with the porn with the ex (which was funny btw )...if your values differ so drastically, what the heck are you in there for? So he can explain away issues you know you are not okay with deep down? The only issue that needs to be raised is if I'm remaining a girlfriend or not

 

[ladylibra_30]

"Just" the girlfriend. When do you get to have a say?

i determined that i had a say the minute he inserted his penis in me. i am going to have a say on small and big things alike.

if he has a kid (and i am the caregiver at any given time) - i have a say (i.e. rules that the child WILL adhere to while in my care.)

if we share a household together (i don't care if i moved in with him and it was his house) - i have a say (i.e. who visits and what time he gets in)

if we pay bills together - i have a say (i.e. who and what gets money)

if something/anybody bothers me - i have a say (i.e. and he'd better listen)

there is no such thing (in my mind) as "just" the girlfriend because i, for one, am too many damn things (lover, advisor, friend, shoulder to lean on, blah, blah) to my man.

 

[PaperClip]

i determined that i had a say the minute he inserted his penis in me.

You should have a say LONG BEFORE that happens....

 

[MizzBrown]

You should have a say LONG BEFORE that happens....

Unfortunately a lot of men think otherwise. Some believe sex is the consumation(sp?) of the relationship and until then, they don't have to give out all of their information and family secrets and such.

 

[PaperClip]

Unfortunately a lot of men think otherwise. Some believe sex is the consumation(sp?) of the relationship and until then, they don't have to give out all of their information and family secrets and such.

That may be what some (not all) men think.... and so what if they do? Doesn't the woman have a SAY about who sticks what into her body?

A man will do what a woman will LET HIM do....and a lot of women will LET HIM DO WHATEVER for a variety of reasons...but then get mad when the men CONTINUE the behavior that the women LET HIM DO in the beginning....

So if some men believe sex is the consumation of the relationship? Ok... cool... then the woman has CHOICES:

1) she can agree with the man and let the chips fall where they may
2) she can disagree and try to change him
3) she can disagree and hold her ground until he compromises
4) she can BOUNCE!!!

The Bible says "how can two walk together except they agree?

Maya Angelou says when a person shows you who they really are, believe them....

So a woman OWNS when, where, with whom, and how she can and will have her say. If you give all that up too soon, then you brought that struggle on yourself.

 

[ladylibra_30]

You should have a say LONG BEFORE that happens....

of course. and i do.

 

[Colliecole]

You NEED to know or your WANT to know? Seriously? Or...

Ok... I'll explore this notion of the "NEED to know"...but for what purpose(s)?
The series of questions posted above is most likely relevant if you all are sharing body fluids and money and if body fluids and money are being shared on such a level, then hopefully there's been some level of commitment expressed and AGREED UPON by both parties.... Another need-to-know reason is so that you yourself can decide if this person/relationship is worth pursuing long term... so you can see patterns of behavior....

Trust, I'm all for GETTING INFORMATION AND UNDERSTANDING so I can make appropriate choices for ME in the dating relationship...but is it a question of "needing" to know so you can tell him what to do?

Or how about this: if he's not INCLUDING you in such significant decisions BEFOREHAND, maybe that's an indicator that he's already positioned you and determined the extent of your ROLE/FUNCTION, regardless of your TITLE: booty call, jump-off, girlfriend, fiancee, betrothed, OR EVEN WIFE....

Khalil Gibran says it best...

"Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."

This is an excerpt from his "On Marriage". I apply this same advice to my relationship. We both have our own life, personal business and identity, but we’re a team. I trust that my SO tells me what's necessary in our relationship, but it's up to him to decide.

 

[Colliecole]

My relationships have been few and far apart and always kinda serious, so for me there is no "just" the girlfriend. I am THE woman in his life

ITA... I need to be 2nd to his mom. And when we're married and I've had his first born, me and mom are equals

BTW: My So's mom isn't too fond of me so this has been difficult...

 

[MizzBrown]

ITA... I need to be 2nd to his mom. And when we're married and I've had his first born, me and mom are equals

BTW: My So's mom isn't too fond of me so this has been difficult...

You and his mom are not equals when you are the wife. Wife comes FIRST. I would put her in her place and dare my future MIL to cross that line with me. God, WIFE, and everyone else follows after.

 

[lexi08]

You and his mom are not equals when you are the wife. Wife comes FIRST. I would put her in her place and dare my future MIL to cross that line with me. God, WIFE, and everyone else follows after.

Ditto, don't ever accept second place when you are the WIFE

 

[ladylibra_30]

You and his mom are not equals when you are the wife. Wife comes FIRST. I would put her in her place and dare my future MIL to cross that line with me. God, WIFE, and everyone else follows after.

ita. whole-heartedly!