Colliecole
New Member
You obviously don't know my SO and his mom
Trust me, I'll be happy with being equals.
"Just" the girlfriend. When do you get to have a say?
- Thread starter *KP*
- Start date
You obviously don't know my SO and his mom
Trust me, I'll be happy with being equals.You obviously don't know my SO and his mom
MizzBrown is telling you right.... Your man doesn't sound like (ain't) he's ready....
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
Colliecole
New Member
Hey hey, hold ya horses now...My SO has the right to feel whatever he want's, as long as it doesn't interfere with our relationship. Me and his mother being equals one day is enough for me. I mean he's loved her for 22 years longer than he's loved me...
Yes, she may have no say in how the children are raised but she should have a say in any matter that affects her relationship with her SO and the children they may have together.
...and by saying that, I'm not saying she needs to act the evil step-mother - quite far from it in fact
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MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
Okay, i respect your opinion and all and don't know your background but TO ME, I made a covenant w/ my husband. Not my mother or his mother or my children. Wife comes FIRST. No other person's opinion should take precedence over the wife. Hence the whole reasoning of getting married and your daddy "giving" you away. That's it! Its you and your hubby now. That bond is closer than you and your children, him and his mother, everyone! My mom can love me for 1000 years but once i tie the knot, hubby is FIRST.
I'm not one to quote scriptures but i know its in Ephesians. Someone can ring in with the verse & quote. It may not interfere your relationship now, but when it does, he might not look at u like the WIFE you should be and take on his mother. Then what?
This is not (only) about how your SO feels. This is not about the length of time he has loved either of you.
This is about how your SO positions you in his life. His mom has a distinct role. You (should) have a distinctive role. Is the only difference between his mom and you is that you two have sex? That may be a harsh and/or ridiculous question, but think about it: that fact alone makes you and your mom VERY UNEQUAL...separate...distinct.... And only you can determine if that parental relationship is interfering with you and your SO's relationship, You did mention that there is some contention with his mom...so that might indicate some interference...even on an unconscious level on your part....and you know what your level of tolerance level is....
I'm curious: is your SO an only child? Raised with a single mom? And if he's (only) in his early or mid-20s...he may not have come into his own in terms of maturity as a fully independent person....
MizzBrown is giving an informed perspective as she is a wife.
ladylibra_30
Well-Known Member
i know that's right! if i baby-sit (or the child comes to live with us) - i have a say while the child is in my custody (or care). i'm not trying to replace mommy - my womb is healthy and i'll have kids if i want to be someone's mother but as the adult....you know the rest.
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ladylibra_30
Well-Known Member
Much2much41
Well-Known Member
If it affects her bank account, her personal time, or the respect they show her, yes she does, IMHO. Nobody has to lie down and take just ANYTHING off of ANYBODY just because they are his kids. They are kids, not gods.
ladylibra_30
Well-Known Member
goes back to what the MAN has established at jump. If HE allowed the children (not kids; kids are goat's offspring) to show out on the girlfriend, then that's an indicator of his lack of a spine, or his lack of ability to run his household, or his lack of priority and respect for the woman he's in relationship with....
audacious1
New Member
Where do kids from a previous relationship come? After wife?
I'm just curious about your opinion.
Caramela
New Member
Well, going into a relationship she would (probably) know that he has kids and ultimately and realistically it will affect his money (don't know what you mean by affecting her personal bank account, this wouldn't happen unless the man allowed it, and even then it would still be an issue between said girlfriend and boyfriend not girlfriend and kids) and it will affect his time That's inevitable if he's a stand up type of guy ... that's why a woman can choose if she wants to have dealings with a man with kids.
I don't disagree with the respect thing, you're right about that. But still that's an issue for the father to handle. Not the the girlfriend.
Colliecole
New Member
So I talked to my SO and he put things into perspective for me.
I asked, "When we're married and have children, will your mom and I be equals, will I come first, or will she come first?"
He replied, "I don't think that really matters, and if it did, how would you measure it? What's really important is the structure of the family unit. When were married, my mother becomes your mother and your mother becomes mine. When it comes down to her welfare, I'm always going to do all that I can to help her, as with you. As long as we have a stong family unit, there should be no conflict because you will feel the same way that I do. If my mother was kicked out of her home and we had room, she'd be staying with us. If you had a problem with that I'd have a problem with you. I'd expect the same from you if it were your mother. If I was spending half my income to put you through school and my mom had a problem with it, she'd need to be quiet because I gotta take care of mu woman. When it comes down to either of you, I'll always choose ones safety and wellfare over the other persons opinion or feelings. There's no need to have an order of importance list between the two of you. If we're all a team, there should be no conflict."
...God, I love that man
I asked, "When we're married and have children, will your mom and I be equals, will I come first, or will she come first?"
He replied, "I don't think that really matters, and if it did, how would you measure it? What's really important is the structure of the family unit. When were married, my mother becomes your mother and your mother becomes mine. When it comes down to her welfare, I'm always going to do all that I can to help her, as with you. As long as we have a stong family unit, there should be no conflict because you will feel the same way that I do. If my mother was kicked out of her home and we had room, she'd be staying with us. If you had a problem with that I'd have a problem with you. I'd expect the same from you if it were your mother. If I was spending half my income to put you through school and my mom had a problem with it, she'd need to be quiet because I gotta take care of mu woman. When it comes down to either of you, I'll always choose ones safety and wellfare over the other persons opinion or feelings. There's no need to have an order of importance list between the two of you. If we're all a team, there should be no conflict."
...God, I love that man
SilentRuby
Well-Known Member
ITA
I'm not a bible thumper, but I think this may be what you where talking about, if not, my bad..
Ephesians 5:31
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
or
Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
With that said...if ya *** aint cleaving to me, keep ya *** at home and step out of the grown man shoes..
Colliecole
New Member
Trust me, he's 100% grown man honey. But for real, there's no maturity, or dependant problem. My SO is the oldest of 3 boys and practically raised himself. Him and his mom grew closer into his adulthood. I believe that you can tell alot about a man by how he treats his mother. Why make a close relationship between them a bad thing by reading to far into it...
Summer_Rain
Well-Known Member
Where do kids from a previous relationship come? After wife?
I'm just curious about your opinion.
And also, would you say the same if you were now the ex-wife/SO and he has a new wife/SO?
Now one is reading too far into it? Wow... ok....
I concur that the way a man treats his mom can be very revealing.... Sounds like some healing between them needed to take place as he came into adulthood, particularly if he practically raised himself....
Hope all is healthy and well-balanced for all involved....
Colliecole
New Member
Now they need healing??....
RR, what's with the negative nancy thing? Is it so wrong to believe me when I say there's nothing wrong with a man having a close relationship with his mother? There's no miscommunication, underlying problem etc...
I dont even know where the idea that my SO and/or SO's mom were having issues...maybe I missed it...maybe people are filling in the blanks with thier own stuff...
my goodness...Now they need healing??....
RR, what's with the negative nancy thing? Is it so wrong to believe me when I say there's nothing wrong with a man having a close relationship with his mother? There's no miscommunication, underlying problem etc...
Your words: "I need to be 2nd to his mom. And when we're married and I've had his first born, me and mom are equals
BTW: My So's mom isn't too fond of me so this has been difficult..." (Post #27)Your words: "You obviously don't know my SO and his mom
Trust me, I'll be happy with being equals" (Post #32)Your words: "My SO has the right to feel whatever he want's, as long as it doesn't interfere with our relationship. Me and his mother being equals one day is enough for me. I mean he's loved her for 22 years longer than he's loved me..." (Post #34)
Your words: "So I talked to my SO and he put things into perspective for me." (Post #46)
Your words: "There's no need to have an order of importance list between the two of you. If we're all a team, there should be no conflict." (Post #46)
Your words: "My SO is the oldest of 3 boys and practically raised himself. Him and his mom grew closer into his adulthood." (Post #48).
I'm reiterating YOUR WORDS to show how I informed my opinion expressed here. A perusal of my posts will clearly show that I am not speaking against a man having a "close" relationship with his maternal parent. I am saying that there should be a healthy balance with regard to a man attempting to be in a relationship.
If he practically raised himself, SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT occurred in that parental relationship that needs to be dealt with, if it has not already been.
If, as you said, his mom isn't "too fond" of you and it's been difficult, it must be tough for your man to be in the middle of all that.... That's a situation to see if your man can handle making things "equal" (or a better word, balanced) between you and his mom....
I don't think I'm saying anything different from MizzBrown.... I've deferred to her particularly as a wife so she can offer a more directly informed opinion than I...yet I'm called out for being negative....
But you know what? It's ok... comes with the territory of being a "thought-provoker"....
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
Children should be put in their place. No child comes before a wife or husband. The way i was raised, daddy gets "the biggest piece of chicken" so to speak. Ex-wife doesnt come before the New Wife either. You didn't enter a covenant with your children, sister, brother, etc. They don't hold as much weight as the wife. Not SO, Fiance, just the wife.
If you divorce her, you break the covenant and the new one is signed under God with the new Wife.
And i better not come home to see my mother-in-law moved into my house or anything major has occured in OUR household and I wasn't informed about it. My mother either. If my parents get ill and I need to take them in and they ask me, I'm gonna say "yeah but lemme ask hubby first". Kids need to do or get something extraoordinary, "sure, lemme discuss w/ your daddy first" or "I'll think about it" meaning you need to talk to him first.
Otherwise, what are you there for? Decoration?
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
ITA
I'm not a bible thumper, but I think this may be what you where talking about, if not, my bad..
Ephesians 5:31
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
or
Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
With that said...if ya *** aint cleaving to me, keep ya *** at home and step out of the grown man shoes..
That was it. My pastor had a whole sermon dedicated to this. Amazing how many couples he had to counsel because they let a mother, brother, sister, baby's momma, children have the say-so in THEIR MARRIAGE and had issues because of it. ONE FLESH.
SilentRuby
Well-Known Member
Yep, you're exactly right and I agree with your posts. I definitely WILL NOT allow this in my marriage.
Suerte
New Member
If you are talking about and planning for marriage and your mate and you are both on the same page that your relationship is to be a permanent one...then you should have a say. It's not even about having a say... but there should be a consideration PERIOD.
If you're not part of the consideration...then he is not serious. IE... if he isn't concerned about what you're gonna think in 10 years or how an action from today is gonna affect you guy's tomorrow... tomorrow might not include you, or you might not want to be a part of that tomorrow.
So basically...fiancee status+
Colliecole
New Member
Your words: "I need to be 2nd to his mom. And when we're married and I've had his first born, me and mom are equals
Your words: "You obviously don't know my SO and his mom
Your words: "My SO has the right to feel whatever he want's, as long as it doesn't interfere with our relationship. Me and his mother being equals one day is enough for me. I mean he's loved her for 22 years longer than he's loved me..." (Post #34)
Your words: "So I talked to my SO and he put things into perspective for me." (Post #46)
Your words: "There's no need to have an order of importance list between the two of you. If we're all a team, there should be no conflict." (Post #46)
Your words: "My SO is the oldest of 3 boys and practically raised himself. Him and his mom grew closer into his adulthood." (Post #48).
I'm reiterating YOUR WORDS to show how I informed my opinion expressed here. A perusal of my posts will clearly show that I am not speaking against a man having a "close" relationship with his maternal parent. I am saying that there should be a healthy balance with regard to a man attempting to be in a relationship.
If he practically raised himself, SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT occurred in that parental relationship that needs to be dealt with, if it has not already been.
If, as you said, his mom isn't "too fond" of you and it's been difficult, it must be tough for your man to be in the middle of all that.... That's a situation to see if your man can handle making things "equal" (or a better word, balanced) between you and his mom....
I don't think I'm saying anything different from MizzBrown.... I've deferred to her particularly as a wife so she can offer a more directly informed opinion than I...yet I'm called out for being negative....
But you know what? It's ok... comes with the territory of being a "thought-provoker"....
Hmm....well I guess you got me there. And thanks for re-posting my posts for me. For all you know I could have a bad memory.
Honestly, if I'd known you were prepared to pick apart every word of my posts I may not have typed them so fast. I could have written:
"My SO's mom and I arent best friends or anything, and since they're close it makes me feel like it will be harder to reach the point in the future that me and his mom are equals. I dont feel the need "come first" because of what the bible says or anthing else (I'm actually a budding Wiccan) and I could care less who comes first as long as it doesn't affect our relationship negatively. Overall I trust my SO and his ability to make logical and moral decisions...." instead of what I wrote... "My So's mom isnt to fond of me....makes it difficult..."
I could have written "RR, my SO is not immature like you've assumed. There is no breast milk on his breath. In fact, his mom was a single mom throughout his childhood, and he took on alot of responsibility as a child caring for his younger brothers while she worked to feed them all. Into his adulthood, he doesnt resent her for this, instead he thanks and admires her for making him into the strong man he is today, by way of example." instead of what I wrote "practically raised himself...him and his mom grew closer into adulthood..."
My post were written and meant to be read in a lighthearted tone (hence the happy smileys...) That's why I said you were "reading to far into it" I feel like your assumtions about my SO's maturity level, not being ready for marriage/relationships, he and his mother having issues and needing healing were unneccesary...the fact that you got all that from the little that I typed...yes, you were reading too far into it. If you had a serious concern, you could have just asked me instead of assuming and somehwhat down-talking my relationship. I would have been glad to clarify for you b4 this blew out of porportion.
Well, thats all.
It could have stayed "nice" if the following wasn't stated in invisible ink:
"I dont even know where the idea that my SO and/or SO's mom were having issues...maybe I missed it...maybe people are filling in the blanks with thier own stuff... "
That's where it took an ugly turn to "nice nasty" and I was COMPELLED to make sure EVERYBODY was clear about how I informed my contributions to this thread. I did ask you questions directly. I own what I said and I encourage you to fully own your statements as well instead of retreating with such terms as "lighthearted tone" or "blew out of proportion" or "reading too far into it". But I suppose when we go back and read what we've wrote, it becomes painfully clear how word choices convey certain sentiments.
If life had an edit function like LCHF, well that would be so convenient.
stinastina
New Member
I totally disagree. First, of all, if my kids come to your house, you shouldn't be babysitting - they should be spending time with their father. The only role I would want for you to play in my child's life is "friend". Any child rearing, value setting or finance decision regarding my child is between me and the child's father.
EMJazzy
Happily retired
Answered in no particular order.
Wife......not girlfriend.
Damn skippy!
Tru dat
If your going to do all that you may as well be the WIFE paperwork and all....otherwise what's the point in putting yourself in that position with that man?
Once again ITA!
Wife......not girlfriend.
Damn skippy!
Tru dat
If your going to do all that you may as well be the WIFE paperwork and all....otherwise what's the point in putting yourself in that position with that man?
Once again ITA!
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