"Just" the girlfriend. When do you get to have a say?

[BillsBackerz67]

I totally disagree. First, of all, if my kids come to your house, you shouldn't be babysitting - they should be spending time with their father. The only role I would want for you to play in my child's life is "friend". Any child rearing, value setting or finance decision regarding my child is between me and the child's father.

I disagree with this. No grown adult should be a "friend" to any child...once a child views you as this and you CONDONE that behavior the child will have no need to respect anyone and then the ish hits the fan. And I believe that the gf has the right to disicpline the child, and by that I do not mean physically punishing or yelling @ the child, but if the child is doing somehting out of line Im not going to sit there and play the fool and let he/she walk all over me because Im not their mother. You wouldnt either.

 

[MizzBrown]

I disagree with this. No grown adult should be a "friend" to any child...once a child views you as this and you CONDONE that behavior the child will have no need to respect anyone and then the ish hits the fan. And I believe that the gf has the right to disicpline the child, and by that I do not mean physically punishing or yelling @ the child, but if the child is doing somehting out of line Im not going to sit there and play the fool and let he/she walk all over me because Im not their mother. You wouldnt either.

ITA. Friend my a$$. Put the child in it's place. Not coming over to my house with that "my momma said I don't have to go to sleep at 8" or "my daddy said that I only have to drink Chocolate milk, not white"...You gonna eat what i put in front of you, do as I say, and if you step out of line in MY house, i'm gonna correct your child.

I'm not gonna get on the phone every 5 minutes asking his daddy or momma if he "can do this, that or the other". A child is a child. Act as an adult. Girlfriend, fiance, wife, whatever.

 

[Much2much41]

I totally disagree. First, of all, if my kids come to your house, you shouldn't be babysitting - they should be spending time with their father. The only role I would want for you to play in my child's life is "friend". Any child rearing, value setting or finance decision regarding my child is between me and the child's father.

The bolded is the key word. If they are in my house, they will do as I say. No child or their mother is going to dictate what goes on in my house. I believe that if the boyfriend doesn't think I have the common sense to tell a child without being abusive what they can or can't do in my home, we shouldn't be together. Now if they are visiting their father at HIS house, and I happen to be there, then I don't care what they do (with the exception of being disrespectful, which I will NOT tolerate), as long as they aren't doing something to hurt themselves (fingers in light sockets, reaching in hot stoves, etc.). What some mothers don't seem to understand is that their children are the most important people in THEIR world, not everybody else's. I can love and appreciate your child, but I won't be walked over by anybody.

 

[Colliecole]

If you are talking about and planning for marriage and your mate and you are both on the same page that your relationship is to be a permanent one...then you should have a say. It's not even about having a say... but there should be a consideration PERIOD.

If you're not part of the consideration...then he is not serious. IE... if he isn't concerned about what you're gonna think in 10 years or how an action from today is gonna affect you guy's tomorrow... tomorrow might not include you, or you might not want to be a part of that tomorrow.

So basically...fiancee status+

This post makes a really good point.

Because my SO and I aren't married, I encourage women like me who are considered "just the girlfriends" to demand respect, voice opinions and not take crap because "he aint even your husband"...

But...there is a difference between me "having a say", and "him giving my opinion the consideration". When it comes to things directly affecting me and our relationship, I should definitely "have a say" - especially if we're both in this for the long run.

When it comes to his finances, family life, and career - all I ask is that he "give my opinions the consideration" because without marriage those things don't directly affect me. However, since we do plan to get married one day I care about those things. But I acknowledge that it's not my place to "have a say" at this point in our relationship.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

I don't believe just a girlfriend or just a boyfriend should be all up in the mix with the kiddies. However, if they are getting to the point where they are getting towards engagements or marriage, I expect my child to respect that woman as much as they respect me, including being disciplined non-physically by the woman. IMO waiting for the mother or father to discipline the child is setting the woman up to be a doormat when she has to deal with the child on a regular basis too if they've made a commitment. If the child is running amok, I have no problem with them telling her to sit down or telling her she can't do something she likes to do if she doesn't sit down.

I really don't agree with kids spending time with fly by nights or girlfriends/boyfriends that aren't in a serious situation with the man/woman. It's necessaory though with live ins, finaces, or wives/husbandsand shouldn't be taken lightly just because either the mother or the SO wants to power trip.

 

[DayStar]

ITA. Friend my a$$. Put the child in it's place. Not coming over to my house with that "my momma said I don't have to go to sleep at 8" or "my daddy said that I only have to drink Chocolate milk, not white"...You gonna eat what i put in front of you, do as I say, and if you step out of line in MY house, i'm gonna correct your child.

I'm not gonna get on the phone every 5 minutes asking his daddy or momma if he "can do this, that or the other". A child is a child. Act as an adult. Girlfriend, fiance, wife, whatever.

tell it GIRL!..I could feel your passion behind ur words...

 

[stinastina]

Why are all of you assuming that the child is going to disrespect you automatically ? My child is one of the kindest, most respectful kids on the planet. He is student of the month for the character trait "principled". Okay ,I got my brag on !!


I still don't think a girlfriend, new wife or whomever has the right to discipline my child. That's not your job, never will be. Even Dr. Phil will tell you that !

 

[Much2much41]

Why are all of you assuming that the child is going to disrespect you automatically ? My child is one of the kindest, most respectful kids on the planet. He is student of the month for the character trait "principled". Okay ,I got my brag on !!


I still don't think a girlfriend, new wife or whomever has the right to discipline my child. That's not your job, never will be. Even Dr. Phil will tell you that !

We've heard horror stories . I HAVE heard of some very loving step-parent/child relationships. I've seen a few that seemed better than some bio relationships. I also think it's a lot of times less about the child in most cases, and more about the child's mother still wanting to be with the dad, hating him and making his life hell, or still believing she should get extras beyond what he's giving the child.

 

[Honey]

i know that's right! if i baby-sit (or the child comes to live with us) - i have a say while the child is in my custody (or care). i'm not trying to replace mommy - my womb is healthy and i'll have kids if i want to be someone's mother but as the adult....you know the rest.

Unless you want to have constant conflict and baby momma drama, you do not have a say over anyone else's child. Now, you might be able to "earn" the respect and trust of the mother, but that is not something that you can or should automatically expect.

~Honey

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Unless you want to have constant conflict and baby momma drama, you do not have a say over anyone else's child. Now, you might be able to "earn" the respect and trust of the mother, but that is not something that you can or should automatically expect.

~Honey

She is not talking about what goes on between the child and the father...all she is saying is that if the child comes to her home the child should respect her and behave properly.I shouldnt have to "earn" respect from anyone it should be a given. I think that is why problems arise, and thats what causes conflict IMO. Why is there automatic hostility towards the other woman, esp if nothing went down between you and her?erplexed Its like some folks are looking for things to go wrong so they have a reason to act a mess.

 

[Honey]

She is not talking about what goes on between the child and the father...all she is saying is that if the child comes to her home the child should respect her and behave properly.I shouldnt have to "earn" respect from anyone it should be a given. I think that is why problems arise, and thats what causes conflict IMO. Why is there automatic hostility towards the other woman, esp if nothing went down between you and her?erplexed Its like some folks are looking for things to go wrong so they have a reason to act a mess.

I'm not speaking from the position of how things “should” be – I’m addressing the issue from a realistic perspective (I have 4 stepsons). If your SO’s child is in your home and is misbehaving or disrespectful, you need to address that issue with your SO. He should discipline the child and/or you should no longer act as the child’s babysitter – end of the problem.

The reality is that most women are very protective of their children and if they don’t know and trust you, they are not going to want you to discipline their children.

~Honey

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I'm not speaking from the position of how things “should” be – I’m addressing the issue from a realistic perspective (I have 4 stepsons). If your SO’s child is in your home and is misbehaving or disrespectful, you need to address that issue with your SO. He should discipline the child and/or you should no longer act as the child’s babysitter – end of the problem.

The reality is that most women are very protective of their children and if they don’t know and trust you, they are not going to want you to discipline their children.

~Honey

but what if he isnt home? should they do as they please anyway?
Being protective had nothing to do with it honestly. I was raised as a child to respect my elders no matter who it was. But everyone has their own family dynamics and how they are raised. If I cant even tell a child to go to bed at 8 pm or that he cant have soda before bed becasue his mom might get in a hissy fit or punch me in my face, then the child will not be welcome in my home...which in turn raises a while nother can of worms becasue now Im being seen as resenting the child mayne you cant win for losing.

 

[Honey]

I’m not saying that you should just let kids run amok. However, there is a major difference in telling a child to stop acting up and disciplining them. If the child misbehaves, the parent should be the one to administer any discipline/punishment – not the girlfriend. If the child continues to disrespect your home, then they should not be allowed in your home without their father present. If you and your SO share a home, that will obviously change the dynamics of the situation, as I would assume the relationship would be more serious and the father would have known you for a longer timeframe. Hopefully, that would include time for the child and the child's mother to become comfortable with you.

I can only speak from my own experience - my stepsons are very respectful and well-behaved, so I've never really had issues with them disrespecting me. But we still have the typical issues that you'd expect from teenagers/young adults. My dh and I had/have very different parenting styles and when we first got married we decided that he would be primarily responsible for disciplining his sons and I would primarily be responsible for disciplining my daughter. As a result, we've been able to come together as a family and avoid a lot of unnecessary power struggles.

~Honey

 

[stinastina]

I’m not saying that you should just let kids run amok. However, there is a major difference in telling a child to stop acting up and disciplining them. If the child misbehaves, the parent should be the one to administer any discipline/punishment – not the girlfriend. If the child continues to disrespect your home, then they should not be allowed in your home without their father present. If you and your SO share a home, that will obviously change the dynamics of the situation, as I would assume the relationship would be more serious and the father would have known you for a longer timeframe. Hopefully, that would include time for the child and the child's mother to become comfortable with you.

I can only speak from my own experience - my stepsons are very respectful and well-behaved, so I've never really had issues with them disrespecting me. But we still have the typical issues that you'd expect from teenagers/young adults. My dh and I had/have very different parenting styles and when we first got married we decided that he would be primarily responsible for disciplining his sons and I would primarily be responsible for disciplining my daughter. As a result, we've been able to come together as a family and avoid a lot of unnecessary power struggles.

~Honey

ITA.

 

[Kawaii1]

TOTALLY agree. Some on these boards have given the impression you can't raise an issue unless you have a ring on your finger but I don't think you'll be able to keep that ring on your finger unless you do. I also agree with SummerRain about leaving some things alone though - some things don't need to be raised but if it's bugging you I think it enough of an issue to be raised in the right way, i.e. not shouting and screaming.

Now see you have to understand. With issues that pertain to your relationship health i.e sexual, mental, physical, financial, then I don't see a problem but just as you wouldn't expect your new bf to come along and dictate what male friends you can have, your bf should enjoy the same freedoms. As summerrain said some issues you should just leave alone because they occured before you and if they aren't hurting your relationship health why stir up trouble? You don't have to have rings on your finger but you can;t be in everything.Geez sometimes folks gotta know when to let a sleeping dog lay. Messin up a good relationship because your SO doesn't do exactly what you think they should

 

[*KP*]

Now see you have to understand. With issues that pertain to your relationship health i.e sexual, mental, physical, financial, then I don't see a problem but just as you wouldn't expect your new bf to come along and dictate what male friends you can have, your bf should enjoy the same freedoms. As summerrain said some issues you should just leave alone because they occured before you and if they aren't hurting your relationship health why stir up trouble? You don't have to have rings on your finger but you can;t be in everything.Geez sometimes folks gotta know when to let a sleeping dog lay. Messin up a good relationship because your SO doesn't do exactly what you think they should

I do agree with you on this. I'm not talking about dictating to your bf but being able to raise issues things you are not happy about that could get in the way of your relationship. There was a thread thread I read some time ago where this lady found some x-rated pics of her SO's ex and she didn't want him to keep them. There were some responses on the thread saying that she had no right to raise the issue because she was not his wife.(even though they were living together)

 

[Kawaii1]

OH HELL NAW!!! That sh*t is a , I wiould have been heated! I am mad just thinking about it. I would of given him a kick in the arse. Those would have to go. See that is crossing a line and it is disrespectful. That type of stuff is wrong. That is what to get mad about.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I totally disagree. First, of all, if my kids come to your house, you shouldn't be babysitting - they should be spending time with their father. The only role I would want for you to play in my child's life is "friend". Any child rearing, value setting or finance decision regarding my child is between me and the child's father.

and i totally disagree. if they are in my house (i LIVE there) they will be spending time with me too. period. i don't cease to exist b/c his kids are visiting. i don't befriend children - i am friendly to them.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Answered in no particular order.



Wife......not girlfriend.



Damn skippy!



Tru dat



If your going to do all that you may as well be the WIFE paperwork and all....otherwise what's the point in putting yourself in that position with that man?



Once again ITA!

the point is, since you inquired, that the choice is purely mine how i desire to conduct myself with the men in MY life. that's all.

eta- that i couldn't capture ALL of your post, specifically the statement directed at me. (for anyone who cares)

 

[ladylibra_30]

Unless you want to have constant conflict and baby momma drama, you do not have a say over anyone else's child. Now, you might be able to "earn" the respect and trust of the mother, but that is not something that you can or should automatically expect.

~Honey

in my house, i have an automatic say. that's all.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I’m not saying that you should just let kids run amok. However, there is a major difference in telling a child to stop acting up and disciplining them. If the child misbehaves, the parent should be the one to administer any discipline/punishment – not the girlfriend. If the child continues to disrespect your home, then they should not be allowed in your home without their father present. If you and your SO share a home, that will obviously change the dynamics of the situation, as I would assume the relationship would be more serious and the father would have known you for a longer timeframe. Hopefully, that would include time for the child and the child's mother to become comfortable with you.

I can only speak from my own experience - my stepsons are very respectful and well-behaved, so I've never really had issues with them disrespecting me. But we still have the typical issues that you'd expect from teenagers/young adults. My dh and I had/have very different parenting styles and when we first got married we decided that he would be primarily responsible for disciplining his sons and I would primarily be responsible for disciplining my daughter. As a result, we've been able to come together as a family and avoid a lot of unnecessary power struggles.

~Honey

i don't recall saying that i would physically discipline a kid (and i never have). i am merely speaking (on the subject of this thread) "when i have MY SAY AS JUST A G/F". my mother, who is 72 (to give you an idea of her mindset), advised anyone who was baby-sitting me to discipline me should i misbehave. i didn't like that, therefore, i always allow the parents to physically discipline their kid (even if i have been given permission to administer physical punishment).

 

[Honey]

in my house, i have an automatic say. that's all.

Obviously you can do anything that you'd like to in your own home. However, you should also be prepared for the drama that is certain to come if you decide to discipline someone else's child.

~Honey

 

[Honey]

i don't recall saying that i would physically discipline a kid (and i never have). i am merely speaking (on the subject of this thread) "when i have MY SAY AS JUST A G/F". my mother, who is 72 (to give you an idea of her mindset), advised anyone who was baby-sitting me to discipline me should i misbehave. i didn't like that, therefore, i always allow the parents to physically discipline their kid (even if i have been given permission to administer physical punishment).

I am not talking about physical punishment either.

To me, the keyword in your post: your 72 year-old mother gave permission for someone to discipline you. When you babysat for friends, they also gave you permission to discipline their children.

~Honey

 

[ladylibra_30]

i'm going to put this to rest with you, honey. and you can have the last word. okay.

yes, permission was granted to me (and by my mom on my behalf). however, when it comes to my household i don't need anyone to grant me permission to and/or instruct a child or VERBALLY DISCIPLINE them. it is my house and i will have a say. again, i did not say anything about physically disciplining the child (that is at the discretion of the parents. fyi- i have told a man that i was involved w/not to spank the kid; just talk to him). if anyone gets it in their head that their child is to visit my home and i am not to instruct their kid then they have another thought coming and they can save the drama.

btw- if i had a child, i would want him or her to respect any adult, regardless of who they are, that is providing care for my child. i did not agree with my mom giving permission to family members/caregivers to spank me if i was disobedient (but it guaranteed that i behaved) because i could count on one hand the spankings that my mom gave to me. so, i don't physically touch kids.

question - does your kids teacher need permission to verbally discipline your child if he/she is disruptive in class, acting out, etc??????? i am just curious but i would understand if you elect not to answer this question.

 

[Farida]

There's a lot to be said about a relationship where a man treats his wife and mother as equals....

Anyway,

As a girlfriend you have a say only on things that directly influence your relationship. In all others you have an opinion.

Even as a fiancee I give my FH my opinion on how he spends his money, who he hangs out with etc but it is up to him to decide. I don't tell him what to do unless he asks me to. If I disagree with his choices then we wouldn't be together. It is part of sizing someone up. If it is something that influences our future I have a say because I am in his future. If I greatly disagree I will leave.

As a wife you have more than an opinion. You can tell your husband that you don't want him to spend money a certain way because that is your money too. Basically your make choices together as a married couple. On big issues there is no such thing as his choice in a marriage.

If he had kids I would leave it up to him and whoever the mother is. I would only have a say in aspects of the kids that directly affect our relationship.

 

[Honey]

Libralady -

I don’t think you are understanding my posts. I have no issues with an adult telling a child what is or is not acceptable, particularly if that child is in the adult’s home. I do not regard that as discipline. To me, discipline is what happens after children make a conscious decision that they are not going to adhere to your rules - that is where the parent(s) should step in and handle things.

As for my daughter, I would have no problem with her teachers telling her to be quiet, removing her from the classroom, sending her to detention, etc. However, I would also expect the teacher to make me aware of the situation and I would be the one to discipline her.

Lastly, to me this is not about right vs. wrong - it is about basic interpersonal relationships/family dynamics.

~Honey

 

[Mortons]

I would hate to be in some of you all's relationships. My SO and I give one another advice or sometimes flat out tell one another what we should do in particular situations. I would hate to be in a relationship where I had no say. We have been together 3 years and would be married if I was ready I would also like to hope that I would have some say in what happened with the children as well.


Scratch that I WOULD NOT BE in a relationship like that. Not at all.

 

[*KP*]

I would hate to be in some of you all's relationships. My SO and I give one another advice or sometimes flat out tell one another what we should do in particular situations. I would hate to be in a relationship where I had no say. We have been together 3 years and would be married if I was ready I would also like to hope that I would have some say in what happened with the children as well.


Scratch that I WOULD NOT BE in a relationship like that. Not at all.

Nicely put! In a healthy relationship it wouldn't even be seen as telling the other what to do because your SO should understand that you are sharing your views just as he would.