Just shut up!!

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

When your SO/Dh/Fh tells you to shut up do you? I don't mean if he's just the kind of guy to bark shut up at you all the time. But if you're arguing and he says you need to just shut up right now, or can you just shut up now , do you shut up. I remember watching Dr. Phil once, yes I said Dr Phil, and he was saying when your man tells you to shut up to salvage the relationship or repair it, you're supposed to shut up.
I know I can go too far and I use my mouth as a weapon but being told to shut up only fuels it. If I have something to say I'll say it until my point is made.
Before he told me to shut up he asked me why I gotta be a nag and said I must be cheating because I'm acting as if I'm trying to push him away. I was beyond offended. I refuse to be passive and submissive just to keep a man around. We bear a lot at the hands of men and for nagging to be the reason for a guy to threaten to leave really pisses me off. That makes me feel like well leave then ninja cause I'm going to nag all day and night just because. Like we want to nag...no we just rather you not do the ish ... And I hate when men forget that there are 6 billion plus people on this planet and somebody will come knocking when you go walking. Sorry for ranting but I still want to hear your feedback on this just shut up bidness.

 

[NOEChic]

I've been told to be quiet. I do get out of the box sometimes when we argue. Once he tells me that I know I've taken it too far and to just be quiet and listen.

 

[tinkat]

If it gets to that point I'll listen bc sometimes it's not about how a person says thing it's what they are saying. I am just thinking of my past relationship and he was very calm by nature so for him to say be quiet or shutup means that he is upset.

 

[LaidBak]

I'm no expert AT ALL on relationships. But I wonder...if you gotta do all that nagging...is he the right guy for you?
Also, I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes. If you were the one getting nagged all the time, would you tell him to shut up?
I've never been told to shut up, but I have told my man to "shut up--just stop talking" once. I knew I needed a few minutes to calm down and his arguing was only going to make things worse.

 

[awhyley]

I remember watching Dr. Phil once, yes I said Dr Phil, and he was saying when your man tells you to shut up to salvage the relationship or repair it, you're supposed to shut up.

You're gonna have to take the 'good' doctor with a grain of salt.

I know I can go too far and I use my mouth as a weapon but being told to shut up only fuels it. If I have something to say I'll say it until my point is made.

Making your point and alienating the person its addressed to still makes you the loser.

Before he told me to shut up he asked me why I gotta be a nag and said I must be cheating because I'm acting as if I'm trying to push him away. I was beyond offended.

That came out of left field. But, hate to say, but I think you're relationship is in trouble if he's trying to use the scare tactics on you. Cause whatever you were saying, he definitely was not trying to hear it.

ETA: WTF - Just seeing the above from Zuleika. What's going on here?

 

[fairyhairy]

Would let anyone else speak to you like that. Why do people think because they are in a relationship manners must be disregarded.

Lol have no idea why i am in here. feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole

 

[BGT]

SO has never told me to shut up.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Would let anyone else speak to you like that. Why do people think because they are in a relationship manners must be disregarded.

Lol have no idea why i am in here. feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole

Context is important, and how things are said make all of the difference.

If my man asked me to shut up, I probably would to let him speak. If you know that you are the type that won't back down, then maybe it's time for you to swallow your pride and listen for once.

I did this with my ex-bf shortly before we broke up. In an effort to salvage our relationship, I humbled myself and let him "win" our arguments (I had nothing to lose because most arguments are petty). I realized that during our spats I wasn't really listening and most of the time his points were valid. As a result of my "experiment" he also became a better listener and softened up. He noticed that I was being genuine during our fights and I wasn't just arguing with him to prove that i was "right".

So yeah, just shush.

 

[tinkat]

Context is important, and how things are said make all of the difference.

If my man asked me to shut up, I probably would to let him speak. If you know that you are the type that won't back down, then maybe it's time for you to swallow your pride and listen for once.

I did this with my ex-bf shortly before we broke up. In an effort to salvage our relationship, I humbled myself and let him "win" our arguments (I had nothing to lose because most arguments are petty). I realized that during our spats I wasn't really listening and most of the time his points were valid. As a result of my "experiment" he also became a better listener and softened up. He noticed that I was being genuine during our fights and I wasn't just arguing with him to prove that i was "right".

So yeah, just shush.

You said it exactly how I was thinking!

 

[SoopremeBeing]

I wish my SO WOULD tell me to shut up. A more respectful approach would be, "I understand babe, now its my turn to talk."

I do tend to take the immature route when someone tells me to shut up. I take that as blatant disregard of my opinion and feelings. Therefore, I will no longer waste my breath when I am disregarded like that. Ask a random question and see if you get a response. Told you Im immature, LOL.

 

[hopeful]

Nevermind...

 

[nicole625]

I do not like being told to shut up. You can "ask" me to be quiet but dont tell me to shut up. I am not my SO's child, I am a grown woman. Just a pet peeve of mine's.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

@ the 2 who says they're done.
I think I started this thread asking of your man ever told you to shut up. I don't remember asking for advice. I don't know why people bother responding to my posts if you are so "done". This place is an outlet for these types of things so I don't care who thinks what about my relationship I asked if your man ever told you to shut up. I would never suggest a woman leave her man unless she asked me specifically what I thought about her leaving. I also would never approach anyone elses relationship with a high and mighty attitude because I know I don't know more about relationships than anybody else does. I think I may be discussing my love life in the wrong place because I really didn't need the negative comments this morning.

 

[MzLady78]

I do not like being told to shut up. You can "ask" me to be quiet but dont tell me to shut up. I am not my SO's child, I am a grown woman. Just a pet peeve of mine's.

This.

You tell me to shut up, there's gonna be consequences and repercussions.

 

[hopeful]

...............

 

[ElizaBlue]

Depends. One man can tell me to "shut the f* up" and it will send me in a totally different direction. Dang...I just had a flashback...

Another man can say "will you please be quiet just zip it" and I'm ready to pack his bags....

I'm very big on communication. Very big. So I think if the ones who just say it to silence me because one they cannot defend their position and therefore just want me to bow out gracefully...are a turn off. Especially if they are the type of man who just don't want to hear what you have to say because you're a woman.

On the other hand those Alpha men who realize you are just wanting attention and know exactly how to give it to you....well those men I take it from...

 

[ElizaBlue]

*Big sigh*

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this, I truly love this site and may just be the longest member here. Well at least probably the longest member by name. I honestly enjoy coming here and sharing with you ladies and the advice you give. But....

It saddens me when some of you use our rants and raves to weave a carpet of all our mistakes together and then want to walk us down our battered and worn rug.

We are women, we make mistakes but we love and we care and we keep trying to find that one relationship that will bring us joy. It's a journey...if we were all ready there, we'd probably be too preoccupied and busy coloring to even come here.

So let's not become experts at tearing each other down for our slips and falls. Lord knows...we've all made them and as long as we are human and certainly women...we will make them again...some more than others.

I have been trained "learnt" to not be as open here like I use to be. Because some of you think it's a full time job to try to dig up ones past and use it to somehow add decor to their future. Some of you who know me personal are at awe with what my past holds.

If you've ever read my long A story about my SC boyfriend you know I had a dramatically different life than the one I live now. So what? You live and you learn. But I am asking with all my heart and all the love I have for each and every one of you...be my sisters...be a good friend, stop making it hard to come here and share.

I'm not talking about the hard advice you give...heck we all need that sometime...I'm talking about the need to make someone feel bad. No one comes here to ask for advice to leave feeling like "dang...I bet I'll never do that again".

This is going to be longer than Whitney's funeral...lol. And I want to say those (yes I'm talking about you) who feel someway about me. Girl please...I'll be your biggest fan in one post and reserve the right to disagree with you in the next. I'm not a fake. If we disagree about something it doesn't mean I don't like you...it simply means we disagreed.

So when you see me in another post waxing on about xyz...it has absolutely nothing to do with abc. Wasn't that corny? LOL...I just don't believe in making enemies here...we need each others support and ears and shoulders to cry on way too much. I come here and rant when I can't call my so called real life friends. And I like that. Okay...I think I'm done.

Brightest Blessings and Happy Sunday Ladies!

 

[NOEChic]

*Big sigh*

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this, I truly love this site and may just be the longest member here. Well at least probably the longest member by name. I honestly enjoy coming here and sharing with you ladies and the advice you give. But....

It saddens me when some of you use our rants and raves to weave a carpet of all our mistakes together and then want to walk us down our battered and worn rug.

We are women, we make mistakes but we love and we care and we keep trying to find that one relationship that will bring us joy. It's a journey...if we were all ready there, we'd probably be too preoccupied and busy coloring to even come here.

So let's not become experts at tearing each other down for our slips and falls. Lord knows...we've all made them and as long as we are human and certainly women...we will make them again...some more than others.

I have been trained "learnt" to not be as open here like I use to be. Because some of you think it's a full time job to try to dig up ones past and use it to somehow add decor to their future. Some of you who know me personal are at awe with what my past holds.

If you've ever read my long A story about my SC boyfriend you know I had a dramatically different life than the one I live now. So what? You live and you learn. But I am asking with all my heart and all the love I have for each and every one of you...be my sisters...be a good friend, stop making it hard to come here and share.

I'm not talking about the hard advice you give...heck we all need that sometime...I'm talking about the need to make someone feel bad. No one comes here to ask for advice to leave feeling like "dang...I bet I'll never do that again".

This is going to be longer than Whitney's funeral...lol. And I want to say those (yes I'm talking about you) who feel someway about me. Girl please...I'll be your biggest fan in one post and reserve the right to disagree with you in the next. I'm not a fake. If we disagree about something it doesn't mean I don't like you...it simply means we disagreed.

So when you see me in another post waxing on about xyz...it has absolutely nothing to do with abc. Wasn't that corny? LOL...I just don't believe in making enemies here...we need each others support and ears and shoulders to cry on way too much. I come here and rant when I can't call my so called real life friends. And I like that. Okay...I think I'm done.

Brightest Blessings and Happy Sunday Ladies!

Love tis whole post, but the bold was

 

[Mai Tai]

A man should not have to tell you to " shut up" to get his point across. Where y'all finding these dudes and who taught you to accept this disrespectful behavior?

 

[tinkat]

A man should not have to tell you to " shut up" to get his point across. Where y'all finding these dudes and who taught you to accept this disrespectful behavior?

I don't think it's necessarily accepting it, arguments can get heated and both parties can say things that you don't mean to say. I can remember being more of the hothead although we were both very mild mannered so when arguments get heated it can happen. I honestly don't remember my ex saying that but I can see any person getting fed up at something and just saying shut up to end the bickering.

 

[ThickRoot]

He's never told me to shutup. Even when it's heated it's not crazy.

 

[meesch]

SO has never told me to shut up.

this. also, as someone who has an extremely naggy mother, i think some people must have no idea how incredibly resentful someone can become when they are continually nagged this is why i make a conscious effort not to say naggy things to my bf. we are still in the honeymoon phase, so there isn't much for us to nag each other over, or any potential for one of us to tell the other to shut up. but i am still very careful about nagging.

It saddens me when some of you use our rants and raves to weave a carpet of all our mistakes together and then want to walk us down our battered and worn rug.

We are women, we make mistakes but we love and we care and we keep trying to find that one relationship that will bring us joy. It's a journey...if we were all ready there, we'd probably be too preoccupied and busy coloring to even come here.

So let's not become experts at tearing each other down for our slips and falls. Lord knows...we've all made them and as long as we are human and certainly women...we will make them again...some more than others.

nobody likes to have things from their past thrown in their face.

BUT

in this part of the forum, it's like, c'mon son. there are so many repeat offenders over here who are GROWN ARSE WOMEN still getting dogged out by men who obviously couldn't give two fux about them. there are women over here who repeatedly complain about a multitude of issues in their relationships, wanting advice each time and refusing to consider the possibility that all these incompatibles probably mean Y'ALL SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER. and every time it's the same sob story, and all the advice people give is ignored, so at some point it's like, what are you even posting for?

i'm not with this idea that oh we're women, we have weak hearts and well we make a ton of relationship mistakes nah son. some women are just foolish and it irks me to see it handled with kid gloves, particularly when these women seem completely unwilling to try to better their situations. you constantly putting up with garbage from your KANG yep: 9 times out of 10 it's a good for nothing kang) and i'm supposed to "po' baby" you every time. let me repeat: CHICKS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER.

if someone keeps getting stories of old love thrown up in their face maybe they need to examine those stories and wonder why they haven't seemed to learn from their mistakes. because it's good to have sympathy for others, but i dont think it does anybody any good to enable their foolishness.

 

[Theo]

I think my last boyfriend did tell me to shut up one time while we were arguing. It didn't work, it just made me more mad . I do tend to talk and talk and talk when I'm in an argument, and sometimes I didn't give him a chance to speak.

I dunno... we got over it. I have definitely said some rude or unacceptable things in the heat of an argument. And like I said, I talk A LOT so the blame goes both ways.

Our relationship wasn't abusive, and he's always had and continues to have a lot of respect for my intellect.... so I guess you have to look at the context of the situation before you jump to say its a problem.

 

[ElizaBlue]

this. also, as someone who has an extremely naggy mother, i think some people must have no idea how incredibly resentful someone can become when they are continually nagged this is why i make a conscious effort not to say naggy things to my bf. we are still in the honeymoon phase, so there isn't much for us to nag each other over, or any potential for one of us to tell the other to shut up. but i am still very careful about nagging.



nobody likes to have things from their past thrown in their face.

BUT

in this part of the forum, it's like, c'mon son. there are so many repeat offenders over here who are GROWN ARSE WOMEN still getting dogged out by men who obviously couldn't give two fux about them. there are women over here who repeatedly complain about a multitude of issues in their relationships, wanting advice each time and refusing to consider the possibility that all these incompatibles probably mean Y'ALL SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER. and every time it's the same sob story, and all the advice people give is ignored, so at some point it's like, what are you even posting for?

@meesch Point taken.

Why do they post it and why do we read it?

Everyone has a motivation to come here. For me, if I was in need of the advice I would keep posting because I can. But If was tired of reading it...then I probably wouldn't be responding...at all. I wouldn't take it as a platform to make someone feel bad.

i'm not with this idea that oh we're women, we have weak hearts and well we make a ton of relationship mistakes nah son. some women are just foolish and it irks me to see it handled with kid gloves, particularly when these women seem completely unwilling to try to better their situations. you constantly putting up with garbage from your KANG yep: 9 times out of 10 it's a good for nothing kang) and i'm supposed to "po' baby" you every time. let me repeat: CHICKS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER.

if someone keeps getting stories of old love thrown up in their face maybe they need to examine those stories and wonder why they haven't seemed to learn from their mistakes. because it's good to have sympathy for others, but i dont think it does anybody any good to enable their foolishness.

But....

Why?

It's not like any one of us has forgotten our own past. Someone reguritating in a post a litany of what someone did before doesn't make it suddenly new information to the poster.

What it makes it is condensing and belittling and quite frankly judgemental. And if you have to go back and hunt down old posts to weave together your comment (I'm not referring to multi-quoting) I think that shows something different and not at all for the "so-called" good of the poster.

We more than likely made a rant, we got over it, moved on...maybe tried to work on the relationship...now we need to rant again. But most folks know they ain't going nowhere until they get tired of being tired. We are who we are. I'm just not in to making folks feel bad about asking for help.

That said I'm also a true beliver that a true friend will tell you about yourself without making you feel like as the old folks would say, "what the cat drug in".

I can listen to someone who I may feel is a complete and utter idiot about their life choices and never once make them feel disrespected or torn down. And believe me at the end of the conversation they will have a very good idea of what might be a better choice for them.

The funny thing is the main people always willing to throw someone's past back in their face...somehow strangely never ever talk about their own...now why is that?

Oh wait I can answer that, it's because while we all fall and we all make mistakes. It just makes some of us feel better about ourselves to pretend that could never happen to us.

I don't know you and you don't know me but I would wager you've been around "much longer than enough" to know...this board is long standing on memory and over time people learn don't post your business because it will come back to haunt you.

Hey I'll raise my hand, heck let me raise them both...I have in the past made bad decisions and if I live long enough will probably make some more. That perfection in the perfect relationship is but an urban myth.

 

[meesch]

i guess agree to disagree, bc i dont see any defense for the repeated foolishness. i dont respond in threads where i know the poster is a repeat offender, and i dont call out chicks in the RT thread for their simpleminded kang activities (even though it annoys the everloving sheet out of me). i dont have much sympathy for their problems, and im not going to support them.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

My DH has never told me to shut up.

I guess that would make my marriage unicorn-like.

This entire board is turning into Long Hair Misery Loves Company.

+1 on meesch's entire post.

 

[Arcadian]

oooboy!!!

Hmm.. yes he's told me "can you shut up please?" but I've also done the same. Does it hurt our relationship? That would be a negative because its not done with malice nor with the intetion to demean or harm. But going THERE is not a pot either of us likes to dip from, so when its said we BOTH know to shut it and listen.

We respect each other but yeah at times we can get a little out of the pocket. It is ALWAYS accompanied by please.

Each couple is going to have their own dynamic and what works for them will NOT always work for someone else.

Ain't gonna lie, sometimes I DO just need to shut up and just listen. And he's the same.

The longer we're together, the less formal we are

-A

 

[ElizaBlue]

i guess agree to disagree, bc i dont see any defense for the repeated foolishness. i dont respond in threads where i know the poster is a repeat offender, and i dont call out chicks in the RT thread for their simpleminded kang activities (even though it annoys the everloving sheet out of me). i dont have much sympathy for their problems, and im not going to support them.

meesch Agreed. And believe me there have been many many times I've wanted to give a chick a blanket party for continued and repeated violations in nonsense. But I know that if I look back at me...there were probably some parties being planned for my nonsense as well.

I think it's just too funny IRL when one of my girls will be downing and outting someone for as you say "kang activities"...lol...and I'm sitting here shaking my head thinking I wish this chick would listen to her own advice.

I guess we need to coin the term "the invisible kang" cause there are some of us think we got it going on, but just don't realize honey...he is a kang.

 

[MD_Lady]

I'd stop talking for that moment, but you'd better believe it wouldn't end there. In that context, I'd take shut up as a sign of disrespect, but another woman with a different style of communicating in her relationship might have a different interpretation...

 

[MD_Lady]

...Each couple is going to have their own dynamic and what works for them will NOT always work for someone else...

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