Follow your instinct now before you end up like me 3 years deep with nothing to show for it. Get out now.I needed this thread. I've been dating someone for about two months (he said we are in a relationship but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, which confused me anyway...). I already feel neglected and unappreciated and I feel like he's being deceptive. I'd rather not get into the details with that over fear of being mocked, but I think I'm ready to end things, which sucks because I like/liked him a lot, but he just can't give me what I need.
And he didn't tell me he was a Trump supporter so there's that...
@hopeful I'm gonna message you in a bit for some advice and encouragement.
Just Broke Up With My Boyfriend And Feeling Guilty I Guess
- Thread starter LdyKamz
- Start date
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
@KammyGirl , he gonna be coming at you hard , be strong!
hopeful
Well-Known Member
This is the cycle of abuse/domestic violence/intimate partner abuse.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/5674111/Tactics Wheel Clare Murphy PhD 1 October 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf
On page two is the power and control wheel developed by a woman in Australia who studies this phenomena.
The cycle goes something like this:
This is the circle that @nursenappy is referring to. Many of us still think of an abuser as someone who hits, yells, or calls us names, but the above wheel clearly shows that men have found many other ways to hurt us. And it is abuse and it is cruel. All about power, control, and dominance by any means necessary.
It occurs in a circular motion because most women would leave if the abuse occurred non-stop. It would be clear to the woman that the man didn't love her and was an abuser. This pattern keeps the woman hooked, blaming herself, and hoping for the good times (honeymoon stage) to return.
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nursenappy
Well-Known Member
I love an educated Sista. Thank you for posting this @hopeful. When you step out of the circle, take time to meditate on what is really going on. Start to see the patterns. Men as well friends gaslight you (drama queens or make a mountain out of a molehill) so you stay confused and stay in the circle and can't see the manipulation. We look to our friends for support, Sad thing is, many of our friendships also follow this same abusive circle. Love yourself. This is designed to make you lose sight of you. You, don't matter. You are only worth something if you make "them feel good." That's your new job!!! They become bored easily making YOU come up with new ways to "help them, cheer them up, entertain them." It's never enough, that's why it's a continuous circle never to end. Also noice that these people we take care of are only helpless with us. They do take care of other people just not you because you have been trained to care for them.
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
Is he a closeted gay?
I needed this thread. I've been dating someone for about two months (he said we are in a relationship but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, which confused me anyway...). I already feel neglected and unappreciated and I feel like he's being deceptive. I'd rather not get into the details with that over fear of being mocked, but I think I'm ready to end things, which sucks because I like/liked him a lot, but he just can't give me what I need.
And he didn't tell me he was a Trump supporter so there's that...
@hopeful I'm gonna message you in a bit for some advice and encouragement.
What does that even mean? In a relationship, but not boyfriend/girlfriend???? He's showing you who he is right up front. He wants to control you with the "relationship" label, but leave himself free by saying he's not your boyfriend.
It sounds like more is going on and he's making you doubt yourself. Never allow a man, or anyone for that matter, to do that.
And a Trump supporter...that speaks volumes by itself.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
yeah you weren't his only girl friend...glad you dumped him.
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
What made you ask this?
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
It is hard for me to explain. It's just that he seemed to be in a depressed state of mind, but then seems to feel on top of the world the sec they break up.
Then I was thinking about all his unnecessary secretiveness and evasiveness. Then that text talking about how amazing etc she is with all the emojiis...it just seems..too much?
I was running through some scenarios that could explain all those behaviors and I don't know...reminds me of guys I know who are gay. The only other type I could think of to possibly match those behaviors would be someone simply extremely passive and passive aggressive.
I don't know honestly but it's the whole thing together that made me wonder.
Either way the OP deserves better and should not subject herself to manipulative behavior.
I haven't come back to this thread but thought about it when I got the news this morning. Sooooo the man is in the hospital. He's had a breakdown of sorts? His brother text me asking me to call and when I didn't his father called and left a long message. I didn't answer because I was sure it was going to be some drama.
Over the past year a few of his friends have passed away. 2 from cancer, 1 from an OD and naturally he took all pretty hard. Anyway, apparently he started seeing a therapist about 4 months ago and didn't want to tell me because he said he could already feel me pulling away. (I don't think I was. In fact I was trying my best to be available and supportive.) He knew something was wrong when he "started to hate everything" about 6 months ago. Which is exactly when I noticed he started acting strange. It was right after the news of the friends overdose so I of course thought it was that. He tried to get help and he didn't feel like it was working so when I "unsurprisingly" dumped him he figured it was for the best.
The problem is there were other issues in the relationship and while a lot of things make sense now it doesn't explain everything. Further if he doesn't open up to me how the heck am I supposed to know what's going on or how he's feeling. I know this might sound selfish but him not being willing to let me in enough to be able to try to help him or support him makes me angry. He completely shut me out and made me feel like he didn't want the relationship which made me not want the relationship.
I feel bad for him but I declined going to visit. His mother thinks I am being a witch by not dropping everything and running to his side. My response to that is his family is there and me being there won't help anything. I truly hope he gets the help he needs but I am secure in my decision and still think us ending our romantic relationship is the best thing for us.
Over the past year a few of his friends have passed away. 2 from cancer, 1 from an OD and naturally he took all pretty hard. Anyway, apparently he started seeing a therapist about 4 months ago and didn't want to tell me because he said he could already feel me pulling away. (I don't think I was. In fact I was trying my best to be available and supportive.) He knew something was wrong when he "started to hate everything" about 6 months ago. Which is exactly when I noticed he started acting strange. It was right after the news of the friends overdose so I of course thought it was that. He tried to get help and he didn't feel like it was working so when I "unsurprisingly" dumped him he figured it was for the best.
The problem is there were other issues in the relationship and while a lot of things make sense now it doesn't explain everything. Further if he doesn't open up to me how the heck am I supposed to know what's going on or how he's feeling. I know this might sound selfish but him not being willing to let me in enough to be able to try to help him or support him makes me angry. He completely shut me out and made me feel like he didn't want the relationship which made me not want the relationship.
I feel bad for him but I declined going to visit. His mother thinks I am being a witch by not dropping everything and running to his side. My response to that is his family is there and me being there won't help anything. I truly hope he gets the help he needs but I am secure in my decision and still think us ending our romantic relationship is the best thing for us.
See I've never felt like there was anyone else. It was a very distinct feeling of something being...off? I was never suspicious or wondering about that but more like "what the heck is wrong with you man?!" I guess that feeling makes sense now. He was slowly spiraling into a mental breakdown let his mother tell it and I completely ignored the signs and only worried about myself and my feelings. Yes this is what she texted me. I'm not engaging her because I've already spoken to his dad who is more reasonable. He understands my position and he says he won't bug me but will keep me updated with my ex's status.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Aquarian.
*leaves*
*leaves*
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
I am so sorry to hear about his psychological issues. It can't be easy to see someone you love spiral out of control like that due to severe mental health issues.
I was hoping it wouldn't be something like that as I've seen that kind of thing first hand as well.
I do not advocate abandoning someone during a life crisis BUT you have to be so careful and mindful of your own safety mentally, emotionally and physically. Do what is best for you. I wish you both the best.
I was hoping it wouldn't be something like that as I've seen that kind of thing first hand as well.
I do not advocate abandoning someone during a life crisis BUT you have to be so careful and mindful of your own safety mentally, emotionally and physically. Do what is best for you. I wish you both the best.
@Reinventing21 that last part of your post is so true. I'm trying to avoid getting sucked into this. And I don't like his mother making it out like I left him high and dry during a bad time. I had no idea what was going on and he had TWO chances to tell me when I expressed my concerns and then disappointment. Now that I know what's going on she expects me to forgive it all. I can't. Because now I know that in trying times he will shut me out, shut down, clam up and eventually check out. That is not OK with me.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
I saw your update...his momma is a trip. Wasn't she just with him for a week? She didn't notice? You aren't a mental health professional
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
Yeah...I would probably do what you are doing. My sister would sacrifice her own sanity trying to help him. Be selfish...you are more important.
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
My feelings on this come from personal life experiences. It does no matter if his behavior toward you stems from mental health problems because at the end of the day the behavior is still manipulative and toxic.
You are right , smart and healthy to establish boundaries. You do not need to become angry with his mom or whoever because their reactions are coming from a place of fear and denial. Just keep repeating your boundaries respectfully and do only what feels comfortable for you.
Take care of yourself first. It is his responsibility to take care of himself as well. Hugs and e-support!
That is exactly what I wanted to text back. When he wasn't communicating with me and running back to Long Island without telling me why couldn't she help him? But I controlled myself and ignored her.
@hopeful I'm sticking to my guns.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
And not to be mean but a lot of times manipulative/ abusive/ narcissistic/ emotionally unavailable people suddenly become sick when people become fed up with them and leave. Not saying that's the case with him but the timing is curious.
Not saying he wasn't upset about the things you mentioned or was seeing a therapist, but interesting you started this thread last Tuesday and now he has been hospitalized ... less than week after you dumped him.
Enjoy 2017 without him and his antics.
Not saying he wasn't upset about the things you mentioned or was seeing a therapist, but interesting you started this thread last Tuesday and now he has been hospitalized ... less than week after you dumped him.
Enjoy 2017 without him and his antics.
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You sure are right about that. While I was listening to his fathers voicemail I was rolling my eyes so hard. My sister said I was being mean and obviously he had issues. I still half way didn't believe it but his father is convincing. His mother is the one I don't trust and suspect will exaggerate things to guilt me. I'm trying not to be heartless but I was over the whole thing the day after I ended things. Here's to 2017 without him! I have a kinda sorta date on Friday. #sorrynotsorry This guy is a long time friend of mine and the timing was never right for us. School, boyfriends/girlfriends studies abroad, etc. So now we gonna see what happens. As you can tell I've been ready to move on for a while.
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
It's hard for someone, especially a man, to admit that he's having a mental breakdown, is emotionally vulnerable and is seeing a therapist.
hot_pepper96
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry this happened to him but I agree with you that you should stay away from this whole situation. I especially don't like that the mom is trying to put all this guilt on you. Take care of yourself please. That whole behavior still screams of emotional manipulation. Having been through that recently, I can tell you that it can screw you up emotionally.
Adiatasha
Well-Known Member
I needed this thread. I've been dating someone for about two months (he said we are in a relationship but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, which confused me anyway...). I already feel neglected and unappreciated and I feel like he's being deceptive. I'd rather not get into the details with that over fear of being mocked, but I think I'm ready to end things, which sucks because I like/liked him a lot, but he just can't give me what I need.
And he didn't tell me he was a Trump supporter so there's that...
@hopeful I'm gonna message you in a bit for some advice and encouragement.
Trump supporter
I just came back to say this is a strangely different feeling from ending a relationship that I didn't want to end - like me getting dumped or cheated on or someone moving away and us ending things because not wanting to do long distance. In those situations I remember feeling so depressed and trying to hold onto the relationship even though I should let go. This here...even though I tried to salvage the relationship initially, when I was ready to move on I was decisive and clear about what I wanted to happen. It's a very empowering feeling knowing that I made the right decision for myself. Hopefully I can learn to apply this same strength and wisdom to the other situations if they occur again.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
I've experienced this myself. They know how to switch tactics. When being emotionally abusive doesn't work they switch it up so that they are somehow the victim or in need of a caretaker. It appeals to your compassionate side but its a game for them.
Not saying this is what's happening with the OP but I've definitely been there and done that. OP is doing the right thing. Even if the ex was sincere, the toxic mother would poison the relationship.
qchelle
Well-Known Member
It sounds like he's losing his mind
Ha. Called it lol. Sorry he's going through that, but glad you got out OP.
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
Trust the clarity you are experiencing and cut off anyone that tries to cloud your decision with guilt or misplaced emotions. Block his mother from your phone. Ya'll ain't married, let his family deal with him. I know its easy for me to say but you don't need updates either. Them folks will have you waste 3 more years then pretend to be appalled when he finally gets healthy then move on to the next. There's no depression because you know in totality (not just his recent behavior) that your decision to end it was right for you. Don't let anyone make you second guess that.
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