Is this shady?

[*5+5]

I've been friends with this guy for about 3 years...when we met I wasn't ready to be serious with anyone b/c my ex and I were on one of our many breaks. When we met we had instant chemistry and hung out together about everyday going to dinner, shows etc. We have never been intimate away from an occasional kiss here and there (closed mouth).

He's always been someone I could count on for anything and it was obvious that he was interested beyond a friendship. However, we continued being friends, hanging out, occasionally flirting with each other up until my ex and I got back together.

When my ex & I got back together I introduced the two of them and they hit it off quite well. At the time I saw no harm in what I was doing b/c in my head it was dude (friend) and my ex (the one). So I had no qualms about merging the two. After meeting we all hung out a few times and they hung out w/o me a few times. My ex said he felt as tho' dude had a crush on me and he once said something to him <awkward>.

Fast forward since my ex and I have broken up dude is putting the moves on me and has asked me if I was ready to give 'us' a chance? He's been trying to get a face to face date with me but I'm not sure if this is right? I guess writing this thread saids a lot but I just wanted to know what you ladies think? Is this shady?

 

[chocolatedoll18]

It depends on what you mean by shady. Are you saying its shady to date your ex's (new) friend? Are you saying its shady because he's been your friend for years? It seems as though yall might have something, but thats if you want to possibly lose his friendship-if it doesnt work out.

You should also think about if you are ready to be in a relationship again (dont know how long you and ex have been broken up) and make sure it is truly over this time.

One more thing if you feel that it may be shady then that means something in your gut is telling you this and you know what they say about a woman's intuition...

 

[Makenzie]

Why would it be shady? You and the ex are done, right?

 

[Makenzie]

It depends on what you mean by shady. Are you saying its shady to date your ex's (new) friend? Are you saying its shady because he's been your friend for years? It seems as though yall might have something, but thats if you want to possibly lose his friendship-if it doesnt work out.

You should also think about if you are ready to be in a relationship again (dont know how long you and ex have been broken up) and make sure it is truly over this time.

One more thing if you feel that it may be shady then that means something in your gut is telling you this and you know what they say about a woman's intuition ...

OP, two good points to consider.

 

[NicBenny]

Are you interested in your "friend"? And are you just on one of your breaks with the ex?

 

[*5+5]

This isn't one of our breaks I truly believe it's over for good this time, for the first time in any of our previous breaks we haven't communicated at all this time around.

I do like a lot of things about this guy but I feel as tho' I can't decipher exactly what I feel b/c I'm caught in the haze of rather or not this is wrong?

My ex and this guy are not 'friends' per se they were cool and hung out a few times before we broke up, still enough for me to be a bit uncomfortable about. My ex said he always felt as tho' dude was keeping him at a distance.

This sucks b/c I don't want to hurt his feelings, I just don't know, he keeps sending me messages asking when can we talk and asking if I'm ready...

 

[ProtectiveStyling]

if u and your ex are still cool and the friend is cool with your ex also, then u may want to think deep about it... prolly would be shady. however if you and your ex is completely 100 percent done and him and your friend never really cared for each other, then why not?

this is so random, but if my ex was a jerk or wanted to end our relationship (him being the cause)... i would def move on to the friend who wants me and make me happy... if my ex was a sweatheart and we just grew apart, i would feel bad about talking to a guy i always brought around him... dnt kno if that makes sense

- i guess it just depends on the circumstances

 

[Skyfall]

well if he was keeping your ex at a distance then no, if anything he was trying hard not to come out as shady. but i think its either do or die at this point, he's been waiting on you for 3 yrs, that alone would make me uncomfortable, I would either let him know in certain terms that i'm not interested and he can be my friend or bounce or that I am interested and we can move forward.

 

[hopeful]

If your friend and the ex had become super buddy buddy and were currently good friends who hung out then yes, it would be shady. But, if you are completely through with your ex, and your friend and the ex don't have an active friendship, then I don't see the problem. What is the current status of their relationship? Do they hang out, talk periodically, or is all that over with? Also, if you have any intentions of getting back with your ex then that would be a little weird IMO. It's unfortnate that they ever became friends at all, that probably should not have been encouraged since he liked you and you two had kissed, that IMO is what was shady.

 

[imaccami]

I don't see anything shady about it. If they had been friends for years, and you dated one of them off and on for years and when that was over you dated the other one, it would be kinda shady.

But, in this case they wouldn't even know each other if it weren't for you.

The guy likes you, he's nice, you have fun together and you have chemistry. Seems like a no brainer to me. He's not going to wait forever, don't let a good one get away.

 

[*5+5]

well if he was keeping your ex at a distance then no, if anything he was trying hard not to come out as shady. but i think its either do or die at this point, he's been waiting on you for 3 yrs,

Yeah that's what I'm thinking...he's being very forward and quite bold. I find it odd that he's not just feeling his way thru but instead making it clear which puts us in awkward position imo.

What is the current status of their relationship? Do they hang out, talk periodically, or is all that over with?

They don’t have an active friendship, meaning they don’t communicate and have each other’s current contact info. My ex did reach out to him a few times this summer while I was away and my friend kinda blew him off…I’m aware that my ex knew that dude wanted to be cool and cordial and not buddy buddy.

The guy likes you, he's nice, you have fun together and you have chemistry. Seems like a no brainer to me. He's not going to wait forever, don't let a good one get away.

^^^yea this is where I was stumped b/c I 'KNOW' w/o a doubt that he'll be great for me and I love the fact that he's more into me than I'm into him but I think I'm going to have to pass...it sux b/c I really don't want to lose him completely.

 

[MzLady78]

Yeah that's what I'm thinking...he's being very forward and quite bold. I find it odd that he's not just feeling his way thru but instead making it clear which puts us in awkward position imo.



They don’t have an active friendship, meaning they don’t communicate and have each other’s current contact info. My ex did reach out to him a few times this summer while I was away and my friend kinda blew him off…I’m aware that my ex knew that dude wanted to be cool and cordial and not buddy buddy.




^^^yea this is where I was stumped b/c I 'KNOW' w/o a doubt that he'll be great for me and I love the fact that he's more into me than I'm into him but I think I'm going to have to pass...it sux b/c I really don't want to lose him completely.

Girl, you better do you, then! You should have said that in first paragraph and saved people some keystrokes.

 

[hopeful]

You are going to have to pass???

 

[MzLady78]

You are going to have to pass???

I missed this part. Why? erplexed

 

[Skyfall]

Pass?
Does that even sound logical? Lol great guy, great chemistry but your gonna pass? Is it because you need time to get over your ex who you've broken up with a number of times before?

 

[*5+5]

The fact that we have all hung out and the two of them kicked it without me still doesn’t sit 100% with me as of yet. I dunno maybe I’ll give it some more time, I dunno.

My sister is in my ear telling me you don’t pass up on a well to do guy that’s very interested. I still don’t know what to say about meeting up with him yet, I’ll have to postpone until I can figure it out.

 

[NikStarrr]

I don't think it's shady. The guy was your friend first and I assume closer to you than he is with your ex, doesn't really matter that because of you both of them are now aquaintances.

I think it was more shady of you to introduce the guy friend to your ex and encourage a friendship between the two knowing to some degree that you all have had a friendship that has gone somewhat beyond "just friends"--I don't kiss my platonic guy friends even with lips closed. lol You also admit to having flirtations. If anything, guy friend should probably be more "weary" of you, no offense. Since he doesn't seem to be or care leads me to believe he does really like you. I think you should go for it.

 

[MzLady78]

The fact that we have all hung out and the two of them kicked it without me still doesn’t sit 100% with me as of yet. I dunno maybe I’ll give it some more time, I dunno.

My sister is in my ear telling me you don’t pass up on a well to do guy that’s very interested. I still don’t know what to say about meeting up with him yet, I’ll have to postpone until I can figure it out.

Ok, but you said your ex isn't trying to hang with him like that NOW, sooo what's the problem?

Are you sure you're not making excuses not to see this dude for some reason?

I could understand your apprehension if they were homeboys and kicked on a regular basis but they don't. They probably never will.

 

[CurlyMoo]

This isn't one of our breaks I truly believe it's over for good this time, for the first time in any of our previous breaks we haven't communicated at all this time around.

I do like a lot of things about this guy but I feel as tho' I can't decipher exactly what I feel b/c I'm caught in the haze of rather or not this is wrong?

My ex and this guy are not 'friends' per se they were cool and hung out a few times before we broke up, still enough for me to be a bit uncomfortable about. My ex said he always felt as tho' dude was keeping him at a distance.

This sucks b/c I don't want to hurt his feelings, I just don't know, he keeps sending me messages asking when can we talk and asking if I'm ready...

I think the guy was friending your ex just to be nice. But you have no obligation to anyone but to yourself. IF you are truely intested in dating him I say take it slow, AS FRIENDS ONLY. Don't rush into anything. Furthermore I say pick up the book, Why Men Love Bytches. Can be helpful.

 

[LongTimeComing]

No it is not shady. He played his position and waited for you.

 

[CurlyMoo]

The fact that we have all hung out and the two of them kicked it without me still doesn’t sit 100% with me as of yet. I dunno maybe I’ll give it some more time, I dunno.

My sister is in my ear telling me you don’t pass up on a well to do guy that’s very interested. I still don’t know what to say about meeting up with him yet, I’ll have to postpone until I can figure it out.

Good call. Please don't let people push you into dating someone because you(they) are afraid you may "miss out." Your sister is looking from the outside in, with the idea of the two of you together. But you are the one who will experience this relationship and the pain of losing a friend possible lover. Not her. Well her too because it may be her shoulder you cry on.

I would go out on a few dates, as a friend, but not commit until I am danm good and ready. It's YOUR life, BUT don't string someone along because you don't want to lose a friendship. If you are only interested in him as a friend then show him that by treating him as such. Meaning no late night invites for coffee. If you want to get romantic, if he asks, let him know you feel the same way, but continue to treat him as a friend until you feel comfortable enough to become more intimate. Then take it to the next level, which is basicially continuing to do what you are doing with your life, but planning time with him.

Remember just because you have known him as a friend for 3 years does not mean you have been dating him for 3 years. So if he is pushing you, you need to slow him down fast before intimacy too soon destroys everything. Upgrading a guy from the friendship zone to the romantic level is up to you not him.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I say go for it. He was your friend first. Your ex is history. Why should your past dictate your future?

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Yeah that's what I'm thinking...he's being very forward and quite bold. I find it odd that he's not just feeling his way thru but instead making it clear which puts us in awkward position imo.



They don’t have an active friendship, meaning they don’t communicate and have each other’s current contact info. My ex did reach out to him a few times this summer while I was away and my friend kinda blew him off…I’m aware that my ex knew that dude wanted to be cool and cordial and not buddy buddy.




^^^yea this is where I was stumped b/c I 'KNOW' w/o a doubt that he'll be great for me and I love the fact that he's more into me than I'm into him but I think I'm going to have to pass...it sux b/c I really don't want to lose him completely.

No comprendo.

Don't be that old lonely woman sitting in a rocking chair 30 years from now reminiscing about the one that got away.

 

[*5+5]

It's unfortnate that they ever became friends at all, that probably should not have been encouraged since he liked you and you two had kissed, that IMO is what was shady.

If anything, guy friend should probably be more "weary" of you, no offense. Since he doesn't seem to be or care leads me to believe he does really like you. I think you should go for it.

Just curious how was I shady or was questionable? When we were spending time together my ex and I were not together nor was I leading him on and plotting to get back with my ex.

He was kicking it with other girls, I even met his ex at a party he hosted where I was there as his date/friend. He had his life, I wasn't ready to be with anyone and that was all laid out and clear. I never thought dude would be carrying a torch for me years later. Once I got back with my ex, he was aware and it was nothin', no biggie, whatever from my eyes. A few months later after my ex and I were back together "he" invited us to a fight party he hosted at his place and they just hit it off.

 

[*5+5]

Ok, but you said your ex isn't trying to hang with him like that NOW, sooo what's the problem?

Are you sure you're not making excuses not to see this dude for some reason?

I could understand your apprehension if they were homeboys and kicked on a regular basis but they don't. They probably never will.

I hope not, that is why I'm proceeding with caution to give myself some time to sort this all through.

I think the guy was friending your ex just to be nice. But you have no obligation to anyone but to yourself. IF you are truely intested in dating him I say take it slow, AS FRIENDS ONLY. Don't rush into anything. Furthermore I say pick up the book, Why Men Love Bytches. Can be helpful.

He's made it clear that he is ready to come out of the "friends zone", but what I need is slow...turtle pace slow, oh and i've read why men marry B*.

 

[NikStarrr]

Just curious how was I shady or was questionable? When we were spending time together my ex and I were not together nor was I leading him on and plotting to get back with my ex.

He was kicking it with other girls, I even met his ex at a party he hosted where I was there as his date/friend. He had his life, I wasn't ready to be with anyone and that was all laid out and clear. I never thought dude would be carrying a torch for me years later. Once I got back with my ex, he was aware and it was nothin', no biggie, whatever from my eyes. A few months later after my ex and I were back together "he" invited us to a fight party he hosted at his place and they just hit it off.

It's shady because I doubt your ex, if he knew at the time, that this guy had actually carried on flirtations with you and as you said close lipped kissed and an acknowledged attraction, would have tried to pursue a friendship with ol' boy.

Even if nothing ever happened, us women know when one of our male friends has a "thing" for us. Come on now. No judgment. I use to play those games too in my younger years.

I'm not doubting the guy's ability of being a good friend to you, but the fact that your ex didn't know everything and you encouraged a friendship between them like it has been 100% innocent, makes it somewhat shady. Just imagine if it were reversed. So I think YOU were shady. Not your guy friend. So yea, you should holla.

 

[kweenameena]

Girl please!! If you and your ex aren't dealing with each other anymore...why worry about if it seem shady to him? It's obviously not shady to the dude who is interested in you.

Seems like a man who has been interested in you for awhile is now trying to capitalize on the opportunity he's been waiting for.

I say go out on a date at least. Give him a chance. You don't have to jump into a full-fledged relationship just yet but he's ready to woo you.....so let him get his woo woo woo on!

 

[naijamerican]

I have read this entire thread and still can't find a thing that suggests shadiness.

All I can say is that if the tables were turned, trust and believe that your ex would have no problem dating one of your friends. I'm positive that the reason your friend didn't become buddy-buddy with your ex was because of his feelings for you.

Either you like him or you don't. If you really liked him, then no amount of perceived shadiness would keep you from being with him. Maybe that's the real question you need to be asking yourself. Whatever you decide, good luck.

 

[MzLady78]

Girl please!! If you and your ex aren't dealing with each other anymore...why worry about if it seem shady to him? It's obviously not shady to the dude who is interested in you.

Seems like a man who has been interested in you for awhile is now trying to capitalize on the opportunity he's been waiting for.

I say go out on a date at least. Give him a chance. You don't have to jump into a full-fledged relationship just yet but he's ready to woo you.....so let him get his woo woo woo on!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgg1Yczq4vI

And you woo woo woo...and you woo woo woo....

Ok, I'm sorry. I'm being silly. Carry on.

 

[hopeful]

Just curious how was I shady or was questionable? When we were spending time together my ex and I were not together nor was I leading him on and plotting to get back with my ex.

Hi 5+5, I just imagined how I would feel if I had been in a long-term on-again off again relationship with a guy and he said he and some lady were just friends, then she and I hung out a bit, and I later found out that they had kissed and that she had a huge crush on him, I would feel hurt, like really, you let me hang out with this chick that you had kissed and knew liked you? To me that's kinda unfair to your ex especially since your relationship seems pretty deep, broken up or not. And so if y'all do get together the ex will be like I knew it, I had a feeling, and okay you see I have a very vivid imagination. But that's neither here nor there and I don't think you were intentionally being shady. It's over now though between you and your ex and it's not like you slept with the guy and I think this guy deserves a real shot...and I'm sorry if my comment came off harsh.