Is this a normal marriage?

Kalia1

Kalia1

Well-Known Member
I am approaching my 10th anniversary. I want to end it. My spouse is simply not into me and I can't take it anymore. I have tried to ignore it but it's starting to affect me emotionally. We get along for the most part. Financially we do well together.

I noticed years ago but ignored the signs. Voicemails from various females.
He would admit it and say that he simply likes talking to other women. He states that he knows I am his wife. He denies vehemently that he has never ever cheated on me.

He did tell me once that physically he wasn't attracted to me.Later he apologized but it sticks in my spirit and to me this is reflected in his actions towards me. When I bring up that he said that he gets furious and states that he didn't mean it.

I am successful and confident. I stay married due for my child. Although he is from a previous marriage he is close to my spouse. I don't want to disrupt his life. He is a senior and will be out of school in June. I am conflicted. I don't want to leave just based on emotion. I just don't know what to do.

I am considering marital counseling. I believe that this is the last step. I just want to be loved by the one who took vows with me. Am I asking for too much? It's the simple things that I miss a tender kiss, intimacy where he isn't just performing to have me leave him alone for a few weeks.
I want sincere togetherness does that even exist? Am I overreacting?

I am more than my paycheck! A marriage is more than a house, cars and vacations.

I would have never posted this but I respect most of the views that I read here.

Thank you to those who repond in advance.
 
Sounds like you both need counseling. If he disrespecting you like this. It is totally unacceptable. No one is supposed to do this to you. No that is not a normal marriage
 
Kalia, I'm not married but I do know that it is not normal to feel unhappy in a marriage. Nor is it normal to feel unloved and underappreciated.

You are at least making a concerted effort to try and resolve the issues before deciding to part ways indefinitely. Has he also expressed interest in seeking counseling? If he has made no attempt to sit down and work things out then it is perhaps best you put yourself first (your emotional and mental well being) before your marriage.

As for his comments, do not dismiss them. He told you how he felt and he means it. You are deserving of someone who finds you attractive and who would never consider disrespecting you the way that he has.

All the best in your decision. (((BIG HUG)))
 
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See if your DH is open to marriage counseling. I can't see why he'd continue to ignore the fact that the calls he's getting from other females is bothering you.

Personally, this is one reason why I entered into marriage with both of us knowing that we had to end our relationships with members of the opposite sex. Unless they are mutual friends of the both of us, then neither of us has a "opposite sex" friend that is texting or calling us often. I'm not saying it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex as friends if that's what your marriage can handle--most marriages don't handle these types of relationships well, imo.

I hope you are able to work this out, and I hope that your DH is agreeable to working this out with you :yep:
 
OP, I agree with Almaz. It sounds as if you are not ready to give up on the marriage which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think counseling is a good idea ONLY IF he is willing to go as well. If he sees that there is a problem in the relationship AND is willing to work on it then that says a lot.

However, if he is opposed to counseling and you know you've done all you can to save your marriage, you should consider your options.

I don't have kids so take this last bit with a grain of salt...I hear a lot of people say they stay in unhappy marriages for the kids. IMO, the kids seem to sense the tension/unhappiness in the marriage and sometimes it can be better for all parties when that tension/unhappiness is gone.

Good luck to you and keep praying
 
Seems to me like he was not ready to give up the attention from other women.
I think counceling is definitely the answer.
Staying in a marriage because it si the right thing to do is not healthy for anyone, if you and husband is not happy together I am sure your son knows it and what is worse; living with mom and dad who are unhappy or staying with a happy mother and seeing dad whenever he wants to? Don't stay with someone becuase you have to and be miserable but don't leave because you are not willing to fight either.

I wish you all the best.
 
He likes talking to other females? Well, if you have to "discover" this on your own, this is basically an emotional affair. (See below)

For some reason, he seems to be feeling a void with you, and he's filling it with other women. While it's not sexual, you're definitely feeling the effects. Even if he gets mad about what he said about not being attracted to you, the truth is, he must have meant it at the time.

You have every right to want an emotionally fulfilled connection with your husband and seeing about a marriage counselor may be helpful. Best of luck.

What Is Emotional Infidelity?
Emotional infidelity is an affair of the heart that is ultimately more complex than a sexual affair. Emotional infidelity describes an intense emotional intimacy with someone other than one’s committed partner or spouse. This person usually is an acquaintance, friend or coworker with whom an emotionally unsatisfied partner shares his or her feelings on a regular basis.

Emotional affairs start off innocently at first. Two affair partners may become good friends, innocently sharing lunches, taking business trips, and indulging in the heartwarming and aggravating day-to-day aspects of their lives at home.

At first, such things appear to be a normal occurrence within the acceptable evolution of a friendship between people, particularly if the affair partner is a coworker. The more you get to know someone, the more details you share about your life and vice versa. The problem with emotional affairs, however, is that emotional cheaters feel a greater sense of intimacy with the other person than with their current partner. An emotional cheater shares a greater continuum of their emotional spectrum and perspective with the other person instead of their boyfriend or girlfriend. The deep-seated, most private, quiet and most vulnerable sides of you are no longer the property of your spouse, but are instead handed over to another person who doesn’t share a commitment with you.

More...
Click to expand...

 
voicemail from other women?
noticed yearssssss ago that he was not into you?
lack of intimacy?
stated clearly that he is not attracted to you?
staying together on the basis of your son? is this the kind of rlp you would want your son to mimick-do you think your son is not affected by seeing two ppl in a marriage such as this one

counseling? hmmmm
 
Thank you so much all of you that responded thus far. After speaking with him I am going to pursue ending it. He just isn't happy being with me. He stated that he stays because he made a committment. He then said what is he to do if he isn't happy?
It's not healthy for me to continue like this.

I am really sad right now.

God willing in time I will become emotionally whole again.
 
Kalia1 said:
Thank you so much all of you that responded thus far. After speaking with him I am going to pursue ending it. He just isn't happy being with me. He stated that he stays because he made a committment. He then said what is he to do if he isn't happy?
It's not healthy for me to continue like this.

I am really sad right now.

God willing in time I will become emotionally whole again.
Click to expand...

At least you were both honest with each other.

Time heals all wounds. You're in my prayers.

:bighug::bighug::bighug:
 
Kalia1,

Big (((hugs))) to you :needhug:

I would still seek individual counseling, not only for you but for your child as well.

After 10 years of marriage, the thought of being "alone" is probably much worse than the actuality.

I will keep you and your family in our prayers.
 
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out as they should have. This is not the way to take in the holidays. I hope you get yourself together and become stronger for this.
 
I'm not married either but this lack of connection sounds painful but not necessarily insurmountable (although the friendships with other women and his expressing a lack of attraction to you is a big warning sign). Definitely I would go to marital counseling. There may be lots of reasons he's not connecting with you and speculating is dangerous. Counseling will give both of you a safe environment to talk about what's going on in the marriage and whether it serves both of you to stay in it.

If he won't go, you should go for yourself. Sometimes even one partner changing will change the tenor of the relationship. Or it will become clear you need to move on...so it's a win/win either way

:bighug:
 
Now he states that he wants to stay together. He wants to seek counseling? I just think he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe that he must realize to hurt is normal and to accept the emotion from myself. He keeps saying I don't want to hurt you. We can stay together. I told him that will not help our marriage heal. I have to get to a point where the dissolution can be easy for us both. I'm am not sure how to accomplish this.

I don't want nor need his pity.


Thanks for the hugs I need them:)
 
Do what makes you happy Kalia. He doesnt sound like he's trying/willing to do that. Marriage is more than just surviving and years passing.
 
OP, what is your heart telling you? Do you feel that he wants to go to counseling now so that he doesn't hurt you? You already know that is not the reason why he should go to counseling.

I wish you could take a trip some place to help clear your head without any distractions...
 
I do need a trip!

I know that I could just continue on as we are. Without sincere effort and counseling it's not going to work. There are a few friendships that I have that he doesn't like. He has voiced this. However I believe that I am reacting to his treatment of me and seeking the attention of ex's because it's safe.

Yes I am wrong but as I stated to him what am I to do when I get nothing from him?
 
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So you've both have kept friendships with friends of the opposite sex that didn't sit well with the both of you? I find that this can cause a rift in a marriage.

I do hope that you and your DH can settle your issues and come to an understanding that doesn't cause anymore hurt and pain for your relationship.
 
Kalia1 said:
I do need a trip!

I know that I could just continue on as we are. Without sincere effort and counseling it's not going to work. There are a few friendships that I have that he doesn't like. He has voiced this. However I believe that I am reacting to his treatment of me and seeking the attention of ex's because it's safe.

Yes I am wrong but as I stated to him what am I to do when I get nothing from him?
Click to expand...

You both are guilty of emotional infidelity... and while most people feel "having friends" is okay, when they impede the ability and emotional growth in your primary relationship - which they inevitably do - then it becomes a problem.

You two have and are growing apart because you're emotionally investing in outside relationships and none within the marriage.

It sounds like he's confused. Right now, it's easy for him to go to those other women to fill the void he "feels" he's not getting from you; but at the same time, the reality of admitting he may not love you the same is making him think twice about whether he REALLY wants to leave

 
Kalia1 said:
I do need a trip!

I know that I could just continue on as we are. Without sincere effort and counseling it's not going to work. There are a few friendships that I have that he doesn't like. He has voiced this. However I believe that I am reacting to his treatment of me and seeking the attention of ex's because it's safe.

Yes I am wrong but as I stated to him what am I to do when I get nothing from him?
Click to expand...

Kalia1 did you all have mad passion or love when you married? Did something change or is it that you all got together for other reasons to begin with?

I'm just trying to understand if you all are trying to recapture something that was lost or if the original premise of the marriages aren't holding up over time.
 
I've been married for 16 yrs and at that 10 year mark, we thought about going our separate ways, but decided we just had to be honest with each other about everything. It took time, but it worked!

There's so much I could say about marriage and how your emotions can plagued your true feelings for each other when you're caught up w/other distractions.

Hopefully you all will seek counseling and realize that marriage is truly wonderful!

I pray that everything works out for all of you.
 
ambergirl-When we were first married it was based on a mutual understanding of we both wanted out of life. There were moments of passion but nothing continous. I don't see us as needing to recapture anything we simply need to create it. He is sitting here and says he agrees with this statement.

Jecookie-Congratulations on your marriage! Thank you for your honesty! My husband nor I are bad people. We simply need to refocus our attention onto each other. Eliminating any outside attachments that are detrimental to our marriage. I am willing. I can only hope that he does. However if he doesn't I will move on.
 
K,

You must be all over the place right now. This is Xmas of all days and times for all of this to come out. Do you plan on taking some time to sort through what you really think and feel?
 
Kalia1 said:
ambergirl-When we were first married it was based on a mutual understanding of we both wanted out of life. There were moments of passion but nothing continous. I don't see us as needing to recapture anything we simply need to create it. He is sitting here and says he agrees with this statement.

Jecookie-Congratulations on your marriage! Thank you for your honesty! My husband nor I are bad people. We simply need to refocus our attention onto each other. Eliminating any outside attachments that are detrimental to our marriage. I am willing. I can only hope that he does. However if he doesn't I will move on.
Click to expand...

The fact that he's willing to hear the comments of a bunch of black women says something...you know how we can be when it comes to man trouble! :lol:

Seriously it sounds like he's really trying. Why not give counseling a whirl. It can't hurt and getting the truth out and dealing with it might stoke both of your fires....:look:

It's also not uncommon for couples going through the counseling process to recognize they need to part. But the few couple I know who went through counseling before they decided to part did so with far less drama then the others.
 
Kalia1 said:
I am approaching my 10th anniversary. I want to end it. My spouse is simply not into me and I can't take it anymore. I have tried to ignore it but it's starting to affect me emotionally. We get along for the most part. Financially we do well together.

I noticed years ago but ignored the signs. Voicemails from various females.
He would admit it and say that he simply likes talking to other women. He states that he knows I am his wife. He denies vehemently that he has never ever cheated on me.

He did tell me once that physically he wasn't attracted to me.Later he apologized but it sticks in my spirit and to me this is reflected in his actions towards me. When I bring up that he said that he gets furious and states that he didn't mean it.

I am successful and confident. I stay married due for my child. Although he is from a previous marriage he is close to my spouse. I don't want to disrupt his life. He is a senior and will be out of school in June. I am conflicted. I don't want to leave just based on emotion. I just don't know what to do.

I am considering marital counseling. I believe that this is the last step. I just want to be loved by the one who took vows with me. Am I asking for too much? It's the simple things that I miss a tender kiss, intimacy where he isn't just performing to have me leave him alone for a few weeks.
I want sincere togetherness does that even exist? Am I overreacting?

I am more than my paycheck! A marriage is more than a house, cars and vacations.

I would have never posted this but I respect most of the views that I read here.

Thank you to those who repond in advance.
Click to expand...

The highlighted really touched me. I am really sorry you are going through this. You are not asking for too much, in fact, you are settling for too little. You deserve so much more.

I think you can try and salvage your marriage before throwing in the towel. If he agrees, then definately go to counselling together. If he refuses then go to counselling alone, it will give you the strength to move on.

I would ask him what it is about you that he finds unattractive. Is it something you can work on? He needs to be honest- you sound like you can take the truth even if it may be hurtful. You can then at least try and work on it if it is fixable.

If you have done everything you can to save your marriage and things don't change then move on. Life is too short and you are worth soo much more my sis.

I never forgot an enounter I had with an old woman a few years back. She was 80 when I met her dying. This lady told me that her one regret in life was staying with her husband who was very distant and cold towards her. She stayed with him for over 40 years, hoping that he would change. He never did. She regretted the wasted years that she could not have back. She said to me that she would advise any young woman not to go down the route she did.

I have been married for 9 years. If I was still single, the first thing I would have said to you was to dump his *** but being married, I know that it is hard work. However, one person cannot save a marriage. I truly hope he is willing to try and make a positive change.I wish you all the best.
 
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Kalia1 said:
Thank you so much all of you that responded thus far. After speaking with him I am going to pursue ending it. He just isn't happy being with me. He stated that he stays because he made a committment. He then said what is he to do if he isn't happy?
It's not healthy for me to continue like this.

I am really sad right now.

God willing in time I will become emotionally whole again.
Click to expand...

I had not read the whole thread when I made my comments above. If you do decide to go ahead and end it please get some counselling, it will make the transition easier.
 
Evsbaby-Thank you so much for your post! It was so enlightening and inspiring. The 80 yr old lady of course spoke great words of wissdom and believe me I will take heed. I have to get myself together because I have many goals that can't be fulfilled with low self esteem.

We are going to start counseling the first of the year and I am excited. I also want to thank The LaurynDoll for her post about emotional infidelity. I could see how this was a part of my life with a couple of ex'es. Today I told them both about the emotional infidelity and that I will no longer be in contact. One who is somewhat spiritual totally understood the other simply didn't understand.

Recognizing that in order to repair and rejuvenate our marriage we cannot have any outside distractions. This is of the utmost importance.
 
********deleted...(should have read whole thread before posting********** OP , I'm glad you are finding your way as a couple.
 
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