Is marriage/parenting an off limits topic during the "talking" stage?

[LovelyNaps26]

I'm probably being overly sensitive but... I just had a conversation with a guy who I connected with online. Once I'm comfortable I speak freely, like I would with any one of my friends. After the conversation I began to wonder if some references I made to my future as a wife/mother might of made him concerned. For example, we were talking about sports and I mentioned how excited/obnoxious I can get when watching basketball. I then said that I should probably have all girls (obviously joking) because I would be one of those crazy sports moms.

That fact that this guy and I don't know each other from Adam, makes me wonder if I should intentionally avoid "pressure" topics, such as marriage and parenting in the initial talking stages. I wasn't thinking about having his children (I don't know the dude), but do guys get worried about stuff like that?

Do you ladies avoid talking about certain things before you know you're relationship is actually going "somewhere"? What do you avoid talking about pre- officially dating?

 

[Bmack]

What u said was fine. It was not like you said, I want three kids and I already have names picked out lol.

I would not talk marriage or kids in the talking stage, but what you mentioned I would not censor saying as it was not in a serious way...if that makes sense.

 

[VelvetRain]

Interesting thread. I guess a lot depends on the age. I have been talking with a guy for a month and he has made several references specifically about desiring to settle down with the right person and have at least one child. He has asked me pertinent questions about my views on marriage and parenting. He was the one who brought up the subjects not I. It's a bit different for us because he is in his late 30's and I am in my mid 30's. I am at a point in my life where I want to be sure the person I am dating has the same goals as I. I am glad that he put all that out on the table because I don't have to play the guessing game or feel clueless where I look up and find I have been dating someone for 6 months or more with no idea on where it's headed.

When your young and in your 20's you can play that game. When your in your 30's and ready to start a family of your own you don't have time for all of that.

 

[caligirl]

I am at a point in my life where I want to be sure the person I am dating has the same goals as I. I am glad that he put all that out on the table because I don't have to play the guessing game or feel clueless where I look up and find I have been dating someone for 6 months or more with no idea on where it's headed.

I totally agree. I would not even be talking to someone who does not share my goals.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Interesting thread. I guess a lot depends on the age. I have been talking with a guy for a month and he has made several references specifically about desiring to settle down with the right person and have at least one child. He has asked me pertinent questions about my views on marriage and parenting. He was the one who brought up the subjects not I. It's a bit different for us because he is in his late 30's and I am in my mid 30's. I am at a point in my life where I want to be sure the person I am dating has the same goals as I. I am glad that he put all that out on the table because I don't have to play the guessing game or feel clueless where I look up and find I have been dating someone for 6 months or more with no idea on where it's headed.

When your young and in your 20's you can play that game. When your in your 30's and ready to start a family of your own you don't have time for all of that.

makes sense. he's mid-thirties and i did remember that he asked me something kinda strange our first conversation. he asked "where could i see myself settling down?" Uhhhh.... i unno I'm 26 and marriage minded but i haven't give this kind of question deep thought since i just end up where the school/job opens up.

UPDATE: I spoke to him today and uhhh, yeah, I'm puzzled. I've spoken to this guy twice as in TWO times (4 1/2 and 3 hours each time). he mentioned today that he wants to visit me before the end of August. He's in Florida and I'm in Massachusetts so this is no 2 hour drive. He's not creepy and I did do a backgrouond check on the guys with his name in Florida so I don't feel concerned. All of a sudden my little concern about mentioning marriage/parenting off hand during a conversation seems so trivial. I'm not used to a guy being so serious. Oh boy, I might have to start another thread on this situation in a few weeks.

 

[jem_mcmillan]

Interesting thread. I guess a lot depends on the age. I have been talking with a guy for a month and he has made several references specifically about desiring to settle down with the right person and have at least one child. He has asked me pertinent questions about my views on marriage and parenting. He was the one who brought up the subjects not I. It's a bit different for us because he is in his late 30's and I am in my mid 30's. I am at a point in my life where I want to be sure the person I am dating has the same goals as I. I am glad that he put all that out on the table because I don't have to play the guessing game or feel clueless where I look up and find I have been dating someone for 6 months or more with no idea on where it's headed.

When your young and in your 20's you can play that game. When your in your 30's and ready to start a family of your own you don't have time for all of that.

I agree with this especially since I turned 40 last year. I spoke to my uncle about my goals for relationships and my fear of scaring a guy away discussing them. My uncle said if a man runs off then he is not for you. He said its a great way to avoid wasting my time. Now if I can find a guy who wants to get married and not try to move in, I would be happy.

 

[darlingdiva]

I don't think it's off limits to talk about marriage & parenting during the "talking" stage. Talking about those things early lets you know where you stand.

 

[Whimsy]

I don't think it's off limits to talk about marriage & parenting during the "talking" stage. Talking about those things early lets you know where you stand.

Agreed wholeheartedly.

If a comment like the one you made would have scared him a bit, then he's probably not ready for a chickie like you anyway.

BUT I'm glad to hear he's serious. I hope he's a keeper Keep us posted!

 

[Syrah]

Personally, assuming that he's over 25, his reaction to your words will say more about him than anything. If the casual comment about how you would be with YOUR children (you didn't say "our" kids) makes him pause, he can keep moving.

BUT he sounds like a MAN and one worth exploring...

 

[shenitab]

I think it is good for both sides to be upfront and clear with what they are looking for -just friends, committed relationship, relationship leading to marriage, friends with benefits. Before I was married, I would rather know sooner than later and I don't want the other party involved to have any confusion either.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Agreed wholeheartedly.

If a comment like the one you made would have scared him a bit, then he's probably not ready for a chickie like you anyway.

BUT I'm glad to hear he's serious. I hope he's a keeper Keep us posted!

Personally, assuming that he's over 25, his reaction to your words will say more about him than anything. If the casual comment about how you would be with YOUR children (you didn't say "our" kids) makes him pause, he can keep moving.

BUT he sounds like a MAN and one worth exploring...

Yeah, I was overly concerned. He said he's definitely coming to Boston. He has a ticket. And, yeah, my little comment was nothing for me to be concerned about. He flat out asked me last night how long do I think I would be in a dating relationship before getting married. Uh, iunno ( I did say something vague like no 5 year situation b/c i'm too old for that but not necessarily a super quick 6 months deal either). Guys I know, even marriage minded ones, tend to wait a while before being comfortable with such a conversation let alone starting it. He's 34 so I was hoping there wouldn't be wishy washy-ness but wasn't quite expecting this either. I'm starting to think he's the "I have my career, I got my cars, I'm ready for my wife" type of brothers. Of course with online people, you never know so, we'll see. Whether good or bad, our meeting will more than likely be the source of a thread.

 

[Bunny77]

Yeah, I was overly concerned. He said he's definitely coming to Boston. He has a ticket. And, yeah, my little comment was nothing for me to be concerned about. He flat out asked me last night how long do I think I would be in a dating relationship before getting married. Uh, iunno ( I did say something vague like no 5 year situation b/c i'm too old for that but not necessarily a super quick 6 months deal either). Guys I know, even marriage minded ones, tend to wait a while before being comfortable with such a conversation let alone starting it. He's 34 so I was hoping there wouldn't be wishy washy-ness but wasn't quite expecting this either. I'm starting to think he's the "I have my career, I got my cars, I'm ready for my wife" type of brothers. Of course with online people, you never know so, we'll see. Whether good or bad, our meeting will more than likely be the source of a thread.

Yeah, I do understand your concern in regards to the bolded. I'm ALL for a man who knows what he wants, but you never want the feeling that he's just trying to fill out his dream IBM life and just needs to find someone to play the wife role.

But, like you also said, you don't know him yet, so just go with the flow, keep and open mind and see what happens! Good luck!

(And hey, I do like a man of action, so the fact that he's coming to see you is a big plus in my book.)

 

[princessnad]

I think it's fine to talk about it in the beginning stages. Just keep it more general. Don't mention "our kids" on the first date. That's just... scary.