Is Love Overrated?

[cocoberry10]

Hi Ladies:

I know I’ve posed this question before, but I wonder about it. I told you all about a friend of mine who married someone b/c he was good to her and maybe for her but she didn’t “love” him, yet I wonder so much, is love overrated? I mean simply loving someone alone doesn’t make a successful marriage. I know this. But, what if you really didn’t love someone, should you still be with them? I don’t know if I could do what my friend did. There is a guy (he’s just a friend, and I’m kind of keeping it that way). Honestly, I’m not romantically interested in him right now, but the situation is a little more complicated. He’s had a lot of personal tragedy in his life over the last 4 years (illness, deaths of close family members) and he really needs someone. I’m a very caring person, so I want to be there for him (we haven’t known each other that long), but I’m not sure that I can be his girlfriend or potential wife (not trying to jump the gun, but he’s the type that would want to get married, serious, etc.). He doesn’t confide in a lot of people, and I feel compelled to be there for him, b/c he’s really going through a lot right now. I’m just not sure that I can be all that he wants me to be. Please offer any advice. Thanks!

 

[Allandra]

Very good thread. I'm looking forward to reading the replies.

 

[Aidenberry03]

love. overated. yes

 

[cocoberry10]

love. overated. yes

Can you explain? Thanks!

 

[Syrah]

Can you explain? Thanks!

I don't know if its overrated, but I think many folks have a misconception of love. That when you're in love the birds sing, the flowers bloom, you hear angels, you see a pack of doves flying in the sky and Bush is no longer president (sorry I digress). And that once you're in love EVERYTHING will work out on the end.

:SNAP: Reality Check!!!

When you're in love it fluctuates between being an amazing realization and a scary feeling all at once. It's like brain waves - constantly fluctuating somewhere between the two.

Love takes more work then dating. Dating is the easy part - not wanting to choke him out when he says/does something stupid AGAIN (because you're in love - you've been together long enough to know exactly what he was going to do/say before he did it) is hard. Love is learning to accept the stuff about a person that you don't like. Love is putting someone else before you. Love is going shopping with his mother because you know how much it means to HIM, even if it means 4 hours up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart only to realize that she CAME HERE not planning on buying anything. Love is the little things.

Love is also realizing that all you really want to do is be around that person (i.e. Charlotte and Harry right before he proposed - her saying that if he could just call or say hello). Love is having someone do something for you that you never thought you'd appreciate, but somehow they knew you would (Smith flying home to tell Samantha, the most love-is-bull**** thinking person on that show, that he loved her).

And while the stuff I mentioned above doesn't sound like fun - the beautiful thing about love is the realization that their love for you has your partner making sacrifices on the other end.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

No love is not overrated. It won't fix your favorite broken dish or cure cancer, but it's not overrated. I think the most beautiful thing two ppl can do(not just in a romantic relationship) is to tell one another they love them and show that love.


I don't think that love alone is reason enough to get married, but i do think that it should be somewhere in there. Now for me it'll be a crucial component, but it might not be for the next person. I think you have to do what's best for you. Maybe at this point in your life or ever you can't see yourself being with someone who you're not romantically into. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that and finding someone who fits your criteria.

 

[cocoberry10]

I guess I'm just going to take it slow (my situation)!

 

[chichibean]

Love overrated? For me... absolutely not! When I decide to get married, it will be because I am totally in love and can not see my life without this person. I personally have no other reason to get married. HOWEVER, having said that, that is my opinion for my life... I do believe that a lot of people get married for various reasons and many do not have love at the top of that list. How else do you explain people entering arranged marriages, remaining married for years and years and growing to love eachother. It happens all the time. People marry cause they are lonely, they want children, want financial stabilitly and many other reasons. Who am I to say that their reasons are not valid for marriage?
So... I think when it comes to your situation with this guy you are talking about, it is a very personal choice you need to make... I don't think you have to be madly in love with him, but only you know in your own heart if he offers enough to you for you to overlook the love aspect. Good luck!

 

[1stladysonshine]

I am feeling the response from MsNadi. I think the media in all its forms give us the wrong idea about love. Lust, is the music and the birds singing. Love, is that forever stuff that causes you to fight or sometimes to realize you have to let go. Love is mature.

Its like with family, you love the heck out of them even when they suck. You accept their good and their bad. You stand by them through hard times. You see them at their worst and their best. The only difference is with family you just don't feel like you have a choice. Honestly, we might want to do the same in regards to romantic love (I'm saying this to myself as well).

I don't know I just think we romanticize love too much. It is the most simple, yet the most hardest emotion to express.

 

[poetist]

I don't know if its overrated, but I think many folks have a misconception of love. That when you're in love the birds sing, the flowers bloom, you hear angels, you see a pack of doves flying in the sky and Bush is no longer president (sorry I digress). And that once you're in love EVERYTHING will work out on the end.

:SNAP: Reality Check!!!

When you're in love it fluctuates between being an amazing realization and a scary feeling all at once. It's like brain waves - constantly fluctuating somewhere between the two.

Love takes more work then dating. Dating is the easy part - not wanting to choke him out when he says/does something stupid AGAIN (because you're in love - you've been together long enough to know exactly what he was going to do/say before he did it) is hard. Love is learning to accept the stuff about a person that you don't like. Love is putting someone else before you. Love is going shopping with his mother because you know how much it means to HIM, even if it means 4 hours up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart only to realize that she CAME HERE not planning on buying anything. Love is the little things.

Love is also realizing that all you really want to do is be around that person (i.e. Charlotte and Harry right before he proposed - her saying that if he could just call or say hello). Love is having someone do something for you that you never thought you'd appreciate, but somehow they knew you would (Smith flying home to tell Samantha, the most love-is-bull**** thinking person on that show, that he loved her).

And while the stuff I mentioned above doesn't sound like fun - the beautiful thing about love is the realization that their love for you has your partner making sacrifices on the other end.

I agree. Love is def not overrated.

TO the OP - you can def be there for your friend, but dont force your relationship to be something that its not. When people marry who are not really in love, I think they face higher odds of divorce or infidelity. Love helps you overlook flaws and if the only thing that binds you to someone is that they are nice or a good provider, then what happens when you meet someone else who is even nicer, has more money, and give you butterflies whenever you're around them?

 

[Farida]

yes love is overrated in our society today.

In what sense? That it is a fix-all, that it can save, rescue, repair any relationship. That it trumps all and overcomes all. That's how I see it as overrated.

I would not be with a man I wasn't in love with though. Love isn't the perfect foundation for a marriage, but it is certainly the glue that holds things together.

 

[Allandra]

yes love is overrated in our society today.

In what sense? That it is a fix-all, that it can save, rescue, repair any relationship. That it trumps all and overcomes all. That's how I see it as overrated.

I would not be with a man I wasn't in love with though. Love isn't the perfect foundation for a marriage, but it is certainly the glue that holds things together.

WELL SAID.

 

[Much2much41]

yes love is overrated in our society today.

In what sense? That it is a fix-all, that it can save, rescue, repair any relationship. That it trumps all and overcomes all. That's how I see it as overrated.

I would not be with a man I wasn't in love with though. Love isn't the perfect foundation for a marriage, but it is certainly the glue that holds things together.

I disagree somewhat. If only one person is in love, then it would be difficult to "overcome all" and in that case, I'd agree. But if both people are in love and willing to do the work required to stay together, I believe love can fix anything.

 

[cocoberry10]

yes love is overrated in our society today.

In what sense? That it is a fix-all, that it can save, rescue, repair any relationship. That it trumps all and overcomes all. That's how I see it as overrated.

I would not be with a man I wasn't in love with though. Love isn't the perfect foundation for a marriage, but it is certainly the glue that holds things together.

The bolded is something I needed to hear. That's kind of where I'm at now (read my original post)!

 

[Ms Red]

In my opinion, love is not overrated.

In fact, love is this entity that many of us avoid our entire lives so that we don't have to get "close" to people. Some use it as a barrier, a defense.

Will love in and of itself make a relationship? Will it make a marriage? Absolutely not. Love fades, it grows weary, sometimes it's complicated...But if you are not in love, what is the purpose of sharing your life with that person? I would not settle for a life without love.

 

[FlowerHair]

Love is not overrated, but passion definately is
Passion is what my mother experienced over and over and it fizzled afther the usual year or two and then she didn't know what to do to make it come back lol
Passion is when people get caught up in a whirlwind and don't think about other people - it can crush previous marriages, children's stability in life etc.

Love takes it's sweet time and builds up and becomes bigger and bigger. Passion starts out big and then fizzles.
Love is the foundation for a good relationship as well as many other qualities like having things in common, being at the right place at the right time and so on.

 

[cocoberry10]

In my opinion, love is not overrated.

In fact, love is this entity that many of us avoid our entire lives so that we don't have to get "close" to people. Some use it as a barrier, a defense.

Will love in and of itself make a relationship? Will it make a marriage? Absolutely not. Love fades, it grows weary, sometimes it's complicated...But if you are not in love, what is the purpose of sharing your life with that person? I would not settle for a life without love.

I completely agree with this!

 

[cocoberry10]

Love is not overrated, but passion definately is
Passion is what my mother experienced over and over and it fizzled afther the usual year or two and then she didn't know what to do to make it come back lol
Passion is when people get caught up in a whirlwind and don't think about other people - it can crush previous marriages, children's stability in life etc.

Love takes it's sweet time and builds up and becomes bigger and bigger. Passion starts out big and then fizzles.
Love is the foundation for a good relationship as well as many other qualities like having things in common, being at the right place at the right time and so on.

 

[chitlj]

Wow, I feel sorry for some of you youngins! When you really fall in love, you will know beyond a shadow of doubt, it is not overrated. Do not buy into the media hype, this is not love. Like momma said, you will know when it is the real deal.
I think perhaps it gets confused with intimacy issues. And if there is one thing the media has destroyed with regard to "love"; it the absolute absence of intimacy in the images portrayed and sold to us. I'm not talking sex here, ladies. I am talking about allowing yourself to surrender to another person and feeling/knowing as if they have your back. Allowing one's self, warts and all to be with another authentically. With regard to sex, I have been particulary curious about some on the board who have stated they don't enjoy kissing as much as having oral sex or the other idea that just kills me; the idea that oral sex is not at all intimate. What???? Intimacy issues for sure. Kissing is the most intimate thing you can do with another. Considering my peer group somewhere north of most of you, this is a little disconcerting really.Most of us did not have this issue. I guess we have Bill Clinton to thank for this. How will you ever truly care for another if you are not willing to be vulnerable and know you will probably experience hurt. So many have carefully crafted a fortress around themselves so as not to be hurt. Good luck, you will never experience true love if you are not willing to vulnerable.

 

[Colliecole]

Personally I believe that God often shows himself in the form of love...Yes, In the form or our very own SO's and DH's. Because think about it...If God himself came down and told us to our faces what to do we probably woudn't listen to it. So he presents himself in the form of our loved ones, because we have no choice but to hear them. Sometimes it as simple as SO asking me if I called my mom today to say hello, then I call her to find out she had a bad day and needed a word from me. Or it can be that horrible fight we got into that lasted for a week, and I came out of it having learned a lot about myself that in turn made me stronger...love is not always pleasant and comfortable.

Storybook, T.V. soaked cliche love....yes. Overrated.

But true love that people constantly run away from is living, breathing and life changing.

 

[lexi08]

Wow, I feel sorry for some of you youngins! When you really fall in love, you will know beyond a shadow of doubt, it is not overrated. Do not buy into the media hype, this is not love. Like momma said, you will know when it is the real deal.
I think perhaps it gets confused with intimacy issues. And if there is one thing the media has destroyed with regard to "love"; it the absolute absence of intimacy in the images portrayed and sold to us. I'm not talking sex here, ladies. I am talking about allowing yourself to surrender to another person and feeling/knowing as if they have your back. Allowing one's self, warts and all to be with another authentically. With regard to sex, I have been particulary curious about some on the board who have stated they don't enjoy kissing as much as having oral sex or the other idea that just kills me; the idea that oral sex is not at all intimate. What???? Intimacy issues for sure. Kissing is the most intimate thing you can do with another. Considering my peer group somewhere north of most of you, this is a little disconcerting really.Most of us did not have this issue. I guess we have Bill Clinton to thank for this. How will you ever truly care for another if you are not willing to be vulnerable and know you will probably experience hurt. So many have carefully crafted a fortress around themselves so as not to be hurt. Good luck, you will never experience true love if you are not willing to vulnerable.

Great post and I do understand your points. I don't consider myself young anymore and through my experiences love is overrated. To me its just not worth it. I would rather be without love than be hurt any day. For me being vulnerable= opening up yourself for hurt

 

[dlewis]

This has been a good read.

 

[MizAvalon]

No love is not overrated. It won't fix your favorite broken dish or cure cancer, but it's not overrated. I think the most beautiful thing two ppl can do(not just in a romantic relationship) is to tell one another they love them and show that love.


I don't think that love alone is reason enough to get married, but i do think that it should be somewhere in there. Now for me it'll be a crucial component, but it might not be for the next person. I think you have to do what's best for you. Maybe at this point in your life or ever you can't see yourself being with someone who you're not romantically into. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that and finding someone who fits your criteria.

I agree with this.

 

[cocoberry10]

This has been a good read.

Thanks and you always offer good advice on these touchy threads I start (even the crazy ones I start)

 

[Country gal]

Listen to your doubts now so you can avoid heartache and pain down the road. I didn't listen to my inner doubts, I tried to date outside my box/comfort zone. I tried to see past the phyiscal and get to know the inner man. In the long run, I walked away from a situation because the love on my part was not strong enough to continue to fight the bull and frustration of the relationship. I was told it was my major loss.

I have to have faith that someone better and more wonderful is out there for me. I feel if I can be a little more patient and more discriminatinf in the dating phase that I will get it. I dated someone that had great qualites and a really nice person but he wasn't what I wanted in a husband. He wasn't the provider I had been hoping to have, he was very emotionally needy and I found myself constantly being the strong one. It was very hard to break someone heart now versus to give them a decade of pain because I couldn't walk into a marriage feeling like I settled.

 

[sereia]

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences!
I am kind of on that road too, not sure if I love my SO but this relationship I am in is the longest and most stable that I ever had.
But on the other hand we both do not give as much as we could to make it a really good and loving/romantic relationship.
I feel something is missing but I am not unhappy with what I have, I grew to accept it.

to the OP: You can be there for him as his best friend; don´t force a relationship!

 

[cocoberry10]

Listen to your doubts now so you can avoid heartache and pain down the road. I didn't listen to my inner doubts, I tried to date outside my box/comfort zone. I tried to see past the phyiscal and get to know the inner man. In the long run, I walked away from a situation because the love on my part was not strong enough to continue to fight the bull and frustration of the relationship. I was told it was my major loss.

I have to have faith that someone better and more wonderful is out there for me. I feel if I can be a little more patient and more discriminatinf in the dating phase that I will get it. I dated someone that had great qualites and a really nice person but he wasn't what I wanted in a husband. He wasn't the provider I had been hoping to have, he was very emotionally needy and I found myself constantly being the strong one. It was very hard to break someone heart now versus to give them a decade of pain because I couldn't walk into a marriage feeling like I settled.

Wow, you truly spoke to my heart. Thank you!

 

[cocoberry10]

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences!
I am kind of on that road too, not sure if I love my SO but this relationship I am in is the longest and most stable that I ever had.
But on the other hand we both do not give as much as we could to make it a really good and loving/romantic relationship.
I feel something is missing but I am not unhappy with what I have, I grew to accept it.

to the OP: You can be there for him as his best friend; don´t force a relationship!

Thank you! This is where I plan to keep it until I can feel more comfortable/confident in the relationship (if it becomes more than friends)

 

[chitlj]

Great post and I do understand your points. I don't consider myself young anymore and through my experiences love is overrated. To me its just not worth it. I would rather be without love than be hurt any day. For me being vulnerable= opening up yourself for hurt

Oh but is it so worth it when you do really fall in love. You can't shield yourself from hurt forever. Love and life are very interesting; as one put it, life changing. I really hope you will find the courage and strength to find it in your life because you will. I need to listen to this as I write it myself! Good luck!

 

[sonce]

Love is overrated if what you want is the emotional and financial security of marriage, and legitimacy and a father for your children.

However, if you are looking for a life partner first and foremost, then love is a must. Otherwise, as you see men who you can love pass you by, you will come to regret being bound to this man, and infidelity, resentment, and marital strife are soon to follow.

I was in a relationship for two years with a man I wasn't in love with. I loved him as a friend and mentor but the romantic love wasn't there at all. He was in love with me and doted on me, but that was not enough. I felt trapped, stifled, resentful as men I could love came into my life and I couldn't act upon my feelings for them, and my eye started to rove. I didn't cheat, but I came damn near, and probably would have if we hadn't broken up when we did. I kept him because he spoiled me and was my best friend, yet I regret the years I was with him instead of a man I could really love. We got engaged and I am so thankful I had enough sense not to marry him (wish I had had the sense not to be with him in the first place, but I was 19 when we met--boy am I wiser now!).