Is it wrong to play games after a certain point?

I just feel like he offered me his best self and kept trying to get better and now he's taking it all back. Im taking it personal because he told me he wanted to be his best for his family and that's why he stopped smoking and got serious about his career. Now he's like f...what you taking bout if I want to smoke I'm going to smoke and lie about it too. I can't make myself just accept that and let it go. I've tired too. If he came to me to talk about it then I wouldn't hesitate to give him the chance to explain but he hasn't so he's the one throwing in the towel if you ask me.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
I just feel like he offered me his best self and kept trying to get better and now he's taking it all back. Im taking it personal because he told me he wanted to be his best for his family and that's why he stopped smoking and got serious about his career. Now he's like f...what you taking bout if I want to smoke I'm going to smoke and lie about it too. I can't make myself just accept that and let it go. I've tired too. If he came to me to talk about it then I wouldn't hesitate to give him the chance to explain but he hasn't so he's the one throwing in the towel if you ask me.
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ZLUVSNEWZEE ...My cousin and her husband have been married 20+ years, both are college grads (he is also an ex Marine), he is the breadwinner of the family and they have 5 children (3 of them are grown). He is a good husband, a great father and a da*n good provider. He has smoked weed throughout their whole marriage. I would not let something like this come in between an otherwise good relationship. Would you be upset if he had a glass or two of wine everyday after dinner? It kills me how people are quick to call weed a 'drug' whilst sipping away on their White Zinfandel :rolleyes:. In California you can obtain a legit license to buy, possess and smoke it. If the smoking is the ONLY issue, I would take a step back and not act rash because you may end up making a mistake. As another poster said, you aren't his savior or mother...the more you try to act like it he will respond like a rebellious teenager
 
CurlyNiquee said:
@ZLUVSNEWZEE ...My cousin and her husband have been married 20+ years, both are college grads (he is also an ex Marine), he is the breadwinner of the family and they have 5 children (3 of them are grown). He is a good husband, a great father and a da*n good provider. He has smoked weed throughout their whole marriage. I would not let something like this come in between an otherwise good relationship. Would you be upset if he had a glass or two of wine everyday after dinner? It kills me how people are quick to call weed a 'drug' whilst sipping away on their White Zinfandel :rolleyes:. In California you can obtain a legit license to buy, possess and smoke it. If the smoking is the ONLY issue, I would take a step back and not act rash because you may end up making a mistake. As another poster said, you aren't his savior or mother...the more you try to act like it he will respond like a rebellious teenager
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But OP said her partner is severely addicted and lost a security job likely related to his use. She states he has lied about his use. This is different than the family you describe. She may not be in a state where medical mj is legal. If her man is Black he is at risk of being stopped for DWB and if he's carrying, he could be charged. How's that going to look for his future employment prospects.
 
Carrie A said:
But OP said her partner is severely addicted and lost a security job likely related to his use. She states he has lied about his use. This is different than the family you describe. She may not be in a state where medical mj is legal. If her man is Black he is at risk of being stopped for DWB and if he's carrying, he could be charged.
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Her location says Cali, so unless she moved and did not update it she is in a medicinal mj state. Also, no one says someone is addicted to alcohol because they drink a glass of wine everyday. I think the issue is that she does not want him to smoke it. Which is her right to feel that way, however I am sure he smoked when she met him and it wasn't an issue then I am assuming? Now she wants him to stop, and because he said he would and hasn't its bothering her. I am questioning the right to tell him as a grown adult not to do it period. He will only stop when he sees the benefit in stopping. Nagging him, demanding him to stop etc. aren't going to do anything but make him do it behind her back ...which is already happening. If there are other issues that she isn't telling us about, or if it starts to affect his job etc. thats a different story. I agree with Kindheart that she should only specify he not smoke in the house.

How's that going to look for his future employment prospects.
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According to the OP he is already employed as a Chef.


@OP what makes you think he lost his previous job due to smoking? Was he not showing up to work ...coming in late etc?
 
No that's just it, he was doing everything right at his previous employer. and this is not the first time he's been fired without knowing why. He smokes on the job like when he's on break and stuff. I honestly wouldn't mind it if he hadn't gotten fired so many times and if he didn't smoke at work. It is semi legal, he does have a license to smoke without bring penalized but I'm more concerned with him not being able to keep a job.
But just to give an update we finally talked it out, well I did most of the talking and he listened. I wanted him to be sorry but he acted as if he couldn't bring himself to apologize. I realized though that I wanted him to give me the ok to forgive him so I could be with him without feeling like I lost my self respect. I haven't loved like this in so long and I feel so weak. I can't walk away as easily as I could once upon a time ago. I didn't know I was this far gone but I know I am after that talk.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
No that's just it, he was doing everything right at his previous employer. and this is not the first time he's been fired without knowing why.
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I have a really hard time believing this. He knows the reason(s) but he just doesn't want to tell you because it'll make him look bad. It's just easier for him to feign ignorance and push the blame back on his employers. His inability to hold down a steady job would be a deal breaker, IMO.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
No that's just it, he was doing everything right at his previous employer. and this is not the first time he's been fired without knowing why. He smokes on the job like when he's on break and stuff. I honestly wouldn't mind it if he hadn't gotten fired so many times and if he didn't smoke at work. It is semi legal, he does have a license to smoke without bring penalized but I'm more concerned with him not being able to keep a job.
But just to give an update we finally talked it out, well I did most of the talking and he listened. I wanted him to be sorry but he acted as if he couldn't bring himself to apologize. I realized though that I wanted him to give me the ok to forgive him so I could be with him without feeling like I lost my self respect. I haven't loved like this in so long and I feel so weak. I can't walk away as easily as I could once upon a time ago. I didn't know I was this far gone but I know I am after that talk.
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He knows why he got fired, he just doesnt want to tell you.

As for smoking at work, it doesnt seem like this man makes good choices. He has a daughter to care for and is putting that at risk to smoke refer in the back room at lunch. Thats crazy.
 
tinkat said:
She asked a question and she got opinions which I don't think were harsh just realistic. I would not let the opinions of others make me dump someone if it is something fixable. I just saw red flags especially when she was considering playing games to get her way. And yes men lie but it don't make it ok. It's one thing to lie about eating my last turtle candy vs lies that can affect family as a whole.
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I know but you don't know what people lied to you about until you find out .I dont think he doesnt know WHY he was fired ,perhaps he s just too ashamed to admit it ,he seems to have some ego issues going on ( most men do) .
Anyway ,OP I wouldnt just throw away the towel just yet ,nobody is perfect ,not me ,not you so let's look at this more seriously ,he s the father of your child and you re very much in love with him ,why dump him ,to then be just another statistic of miserable single woman when you DO have a man who loves you .Dont play Mama ,be assertive but dont constantly be on his case .Like i said ,show him what that drug does to him ,it might be an eye opener .
Good luck mama
 
OP hang in there. I think you should focus your energy on yourself and your little girl for now. Take good care of you and her. Do whatever you need to build up your self-esteem and good feelings about you. I think that will make it easier for you to make a good decision. You seem to be deeply in love with him which is great but you need to have that same level of love and compassion for yourself. You are not wanting something unreasonable: a man who keeps his jobs and doesn't smoke marijuana constantly. You are not asking for much at all IMO. But you can't make him be who you want him to be and you won't be happy giving up your expectations either. I really hope things work out for you one way or the other.
 
hopeful. Thank you and I am working on my self trying to get rid of this weight and of course my hair. I know having the weight on keeps me feeling insecure. I am not happy with myself in this body and i'm sure this plays a huge role here
 
hopeful said:
OP hang in there. I think you should focus your energy on yourself and your little girl for now. Take good care of you and her. Do whatever you need to build up your self-esteem and good feelings about you. I think that will make it easier for you to make a good decision. You seem to be deeply in love with him which is great but you need to have that same level of love and compassion for yourself. You are not wanting something unreasonable: a man who keeps his jobs and doesn't smoke marijuana constantly. You are not asking for much at all IMO. But you can't make him be who you want him to be and you won't be happy giving up your expectations either. I really hope things work out for you one way or the other.
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This. Hope for the best.
 
Update :
So after a horrible fight that left me inconsolable I realized for the second time how much pride I was battling and how much I really want to be with him I was very humbled because at one point he walked away from me and I had to chase him down. I wanted to be queen bee and was left looking like a fool. So I decided that I would tell him my restrictions on his smoking but allow it. I decided that its not worth my family
 
CurlyNiquee said:
Would you be upset if he had a glass or two of wine everyday after dinner? It kills me how people are quick to call weed a 'drug' whilst sipping away on their White Zinfandel :rolleyes:.
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This is just not a valid comparison. This isn't so much about a value judgment on which drug is better. The fact is, whether it makes sense or not, marijuana is illegal and wine is not. You can get in legal trouble for using mj in a way you cannot for alcohol, and you can't just gloss over that difference because it is a BIG one.

And we all know OP is not leaving her guy, not over this. Though if he loses another job for it, I wonder if she would . . . OP, the games won't work, I don't think.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
Update :
So after a horrible fight that left me inconsolable I realized for the second time how much pride I was battling and how much I really want to be with him I was very humbled because at one point he walked away from me and I had to chase him down. I wanted to be queen bee and was left looking like a fool. So I decided that I would tell him my restrictions on his smoking but allow it. I decided that its not worth my family
Click to expand...

Oh sweetie I'm sorry about the horrible fight. But like I said let this go for now and focus on you. For now F him and the smoking. Focus on you and your baby. Lose a little weight, grow your hair out, maybe get a little therapy to get to the bottom of whatever personal issues are plagueing you. Trust me when I say that when you really fall in love with you, you will never chase down a man again. So go ahead and let him get high all damn day. I wouldn't say a thing. You focus on you for now and fix whatever is going on inside of you. You do not know your value yet, but I believe you will one day if you are willing to work at it.

ETA: Your desire to be queen bee in your home is the small voice inside of you trying to be dominant. Your struggle ultimately is not with him but within yourself. Every woman deserves to feel like a queen in her own home.
 
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OP....if he has a license to smoke it, what's the big deal?
Are you just against him smoking it period or against him smoking it in the house? Is there a compromise in the situation at all? I don't think that just because he's partaking in a lil bit of herbal healing that means he's an addict, a bad person, etc. And don't play games with him, you two are adults. Why don't you give him the chance to offer up a solution that will appease the both of you? I agree with the ladies that say don't try to change him.
 
Ok well he has a license to smoke and he lied for no good reason. Some men tell bs lies to avoid confrontation, just to appease others and so on and so on. Everyone has a limitation and/or expectations in relationships. You already know you want him and love him in spite of his love for the sticky icky icky ohhh weee and a few bs lies.

It sounds like you want him to realize that he doesn't have to lie to kick it and that you accept him with flaws and all. All I can tell you is treat em like the kid he is behaving like aka make sure his crimes fit your punishment so he can really get the/your point.

Hell see how he likes being lied to! I think it is a great start for giving em a taste of his own medicine. Hell you ain't leaving em so find another way outside of nagging to get your point across.

Oh I don't think his possibly losing a JOB over a failed drug test is minor but hell if he is a chef now they ain't drug testing so oh well.

Chef's are known for being alcoholics and druggies sorta like dentist. So wtheva!

Do you and don't let nobody tell you to leave yo Bob Marley man. LOL All hail to the chief damnit!
 
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hopeful said:
Oh sweetie I'm sorry about the horrible fight. But like I said let this go for now and focus on you. For now F him and the smoking. Focus on you and your baby. Lose a little weight, grow your hair out, maybe get a little therapy to get to the bottom of whatever personal issues are plagueing you. Trust me when I say that when you really fall in love with you, you will never chase down a man again. So go ahead and let him get high all damn day. I wouldn't say a thing. You focus on you for now and fix whatever is going on inside of you. You do not know your value yet, but I believe you will one day if you are willing to work at it.

ETA: Your desire to be queen bee in your home is the small voice inside of you trying to be dominant. Your struggle ultimately is not with him but within yourself. Every woman deserves to feel like a queen in her own home.
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hopeful your advice is always level headed and on point. Thank You, Thanks Bunches.
 
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hopeful
Yes your advice has me thinking a lot about my self and my self esteem issues. I definitely felt beaten and broken chasing him down the way I did and that ain't the first time neither. I love him and I love our family unit and he does have a point about my nagging and controlling but all that plays into my fears. I'm terrified of losing him of being irreparably broken and being left behind for something better. I'm 30 and I still struggle to find a way to fall in love with myself. Did you ever struggle with this? What did you do if you did? I love many things about myself, I love my face, my style but that love isn't showing on my life clearly.
 
OP... hugs... even though any type of drugs are a nono for me... in your case i agree with people that say u need to focus on you and your baby for a while so u can get yourself together. I don't know if you have an older couple that you can trust (an older couple that have been married a long time) or a religious counselor. They can give you advice based on their experience, age, and religious beliefs. If you say that weed is his only problem, that he is a good man to u and ur daughter otherwise... then i would hang in there.. tell him it really hurts u and leave it there... just ignore it and pray to God to do it for u. Just don't marry him until you feel some peace about the situation.

Good luck.
 
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kweenameena
I can see a noticeable difference on him when he's high. He is no longer the mature smooth talker that I find sexy, he becomes silly and clumsy and he forgets things and makes critical mistakes. This is the main reason why I'm so opposed but another reason is and I should've mentioned this earlier...his family is addicted to hardcore drugs. And when I say his family thats from his grandma to his mom to all of his uncles. Addiction is in his blood just as it is in mine from my dad aunts and uncles. We both have addictive qualities and its important for us both to steer clear. That's why I say his smoking was severe because normal smokers don't have to smoke before they do anything like he did and normal smokers don't feign for it the way he does. I get on him about drinking too because he likes to drink as the had chef at his job passes out shots at the end of shift and I told him he can't drink like that every night. I know how easy it is for things to become habits and I won't allow that in my house. I wouldn't to off the weed so much otherwise.
 
judy4all
Thank you for sharing your story, its really helpful to see someone else get through something similar. we definitely don't have any married friends or family that we look up to but I think you all are right and I need to focus on myself. I am feeling very insecure especially since he walked away from me and I know I need to make some changes inside myself I just don't know how. I would love to work at dropping the 60 plus pounds that I need to lose but I have a thousand excuses as to why I can't and therefore have made no progress. I used to be smaller and now I can't seem to shake the weight its definitely harder at this age but I won't give up
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
hopeful
Yes your advice has me thinking a lot about my self and my self esteem issues. I definitely felt beaten and broken chasing him down the way I did and that ain't the first time neither. I love him and I love our family unit and he does have a point about my nagging and controlling but all that plays into my fears. I'm terrified of losing him of being irreparably broken and being left behind for something better. I'm 30 and I still struggle to find a way to fall in love with myself. Did you ever struggle with this? What did you do if you did? I love many things about myself, I love my face, my style but that love isn't showing on my life clearly.
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I wrote you a long reply then my phone died:(. Bottom-line is therapy has made all the difference for me. I will try to pm you later with a more detailed response.
 
ZLUVSNEWZEE said:
@kweenameena
I can see a noticeable difference on him when he's high. He is no longer the mature smooth talker that I find sexy, he becomes silly and clumsy and he forgets things and makes critical mistakes. This is the main reason why I'm so opposed but another reason is and I should've mentioned this earlier...his family is addicted to hardcore drugs. And when I say his family thats from his grandma to his mom to all of his uncles. Addiction is in his blood just as it is in mine from my dad aunts and uncles. We both have addictive qualities and its important for us both to steer clear. That's why I say his smoking was severe because normal smokers don't have to smoke before they do anything like he did and normal smokers don't feign for it the way he does. I get on him about drinking too because he likes to drink as the had chef at his job passes out shots at the end of shift and I told him he can't drink like that every night. I know how easy it is for things to become habits and I won't allow that in my house. I wouldn't to off the weed so much otherwise.
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Yeah I think what you describe is important. It's the behaviors around use that determine when you are crossing the line into abuse. People will argue about whether MJ is addictive or not. I was reading an article in the Washingtonian magazine about medical MJ coming to DC and it was pointed about that the potency, the concentration of THC is I believe 20 times higher that the what folks were smoking at Woodstock.

I can't speak to addiction, but It does sound like there is an abuse issue. Feeling like you have to use before starting and finishing your day, behavior and motor changes, motivation and job issues. These are all signs of abuse. Daily alcohol use on top of that will wear him down and can eventually lead to addiction- especially if there is family history of alcoholism.
 
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