Is it unreasonable

[ladylibra_30]

to want his mom not to call/text your man if (it's never been an emergency) -

1 - he lives with her and she will be seeing him when he gets home ?
2 - you go on a 2 day trip with him and she will be seeing him when he comes home ?
3 - he's watching tv at your place and she texts to say Wipe Out is on so he can watch ?
4 - to drag your feet about moving in w/him b/c you fear she'll be privy to too much info/ as well as have influence re: your household? He'll give her monetary hand-outs (when that's his purpose of going back home in the first place) that could be recycled in your household? Because you'll feel guilty that she may fall without his continued financial support but you want her to handle her business?
5- that you've told him these things and you won't go forward w/the relationship because you don't trust his word that he can respect the mama vs lady boundaries?
6 - think of a eligible bachelor in your family to introduce her to so she can leave her surrogate son-hubby the heck alone?

So, honestly, is it unreasonable?

 

[JFemme]

Wow..

the first request is the least of your concerns.....

I say leave him to his momma....( thats resonable)

 

[Windsy]

I have several thoughts here:

1. You're (generally speaking) not his wife so your place shouldn't be above momma.

2. He needs to set some boundaries with momma and hold momma accountable to those boundaries BEFORE he brings any woman into his life.

This is a classic case of momma being too dependent on her child(ren). Clearly, he's her financial support and confidant - the lines between son and "other" is blurred!

 

[ladylibra_30]

I have several thoughts here:

1. You're (generally speaking) not his wife so your place shouldn't be above momma.

2. He needs to set some boundaries with momma and hold momma accountable to those boundaries BEFORE he brings any woman into his life.

This is a classic case of momma being too dependent on her child(ren). Clearly, he's her financial support and confidant - the lines between son and "other" is blurred!

Windsy, although I asked for opinions the whole "I'm the wife trumping the measly GF" is lost on me. It has no bearings in my relationships. I am who/what I am to a man that says he loves me and if we both decide to take the rlshp to wedded matrimony, then so be it. But if boundaries are set/adhered to/respected consistently then I won't be anything.
(I whole-heartedly respect the legal aspect of marriage and that's about it)

To the second statement - to be completely honest I think there's a bit of codependcy going on his behalf too - he's the baby of 3 siblings (men) and his dad passed away when he was a toddler - she's ALL he's ever known...so b/c of the circumstances, I can understand/tolerate a bit of fuzzy boundaries in that regard

 

[Windsy]

Windsy, although I asked for opinions the whole "I'm the wife trumping the measly GF" is lost on me. It has no bearings in my relationships. I am who/what I am to a man that says he loves me and if we both decide to take the rlshp to wedded matrimony, then so be it. But if boundaries are set/adhered to/respected consistently then I won't be anything.
(I whole-heartedly respect the legal aspect of marriage and that's about it)

To the second statement - to be completely honest I think there's a bit of codependcy going on his behalf too - he's the baby of 3 siblings (men) and his dad passed away when he was a toddler - she's ALL he's ever known...so b/c of the circumstances, I can understand/tolerate a bit of fuzzy boundaries in that regard

- gotcha on the married thing!

- fuzzy boundaries - where are the other siblings?

 

[MD_Lady]

This is all I need to hear:

5- that you've told him these things and you won't go forward w/the relationship because you don't trust his word that he can respect the mama vs lady boundaries?

The boundaries are for him to establish and, if he doesn't see a need to do this, it won't get done. Forget about answers to your other questions, be thankful that you saw this red flag before it was too late, and RUN (IMO, of course ).

 

[qchelle]

Just wondering---how old is he?

 

[natural2008]

He is her son not her man. She is too dependent on him. That's it that's all. He feels obligated to be her financial way through life. His mom doesn't want to let go of him.

 

[ladylibra_30]

- gotcha on the married thing!

- fuzzy boundaries - where are the other siblings?

The eldest brother left home early during his lates teens & married his h/s sweetie and had kids, then moved his family out of Miami. He's given me much insight on his mom, little brother, and family as he knows where I'm coming from when I speak of my concerns - It is his opinion that my SO should not let the mom manipulate him, that he needs to move out and if the mom can't swing it, she needs to down-size, and that our relationship needs to be respected by the family and my so needs to enforce it and he's speaking from experience b/c the mom gave his then g/f a hard time until he put her in her place (my kinda guy). He spoke w/his brother, my SO, and things improved but not enough to make me take it to another level I'm scared to because I know that people don't change that much and are their patterns. They may make concessions but that's it.

As you can see I have sore point about this b/c relationships (g/f's and wives) come and go but family are forever and they have bonds that are unbreakable, imho. I can't stand meddling moms and was raised in a house-hold by a woman who loved whomever her kids loved as long as we were happy and safe. If we liked it, she loved it. She just didn't meddle unless our SO's went to her and even then she only gave an unbiased opinion and redirected them right back to us to deal with it! Mama's and SO's serve two different purposes and cannot be what the other is to the man in the middle. That means something and should be respected.

I wish she had a hobby, a man, or a clue would do! As for him, he listens to me and sets boundaries up as I complain LMAO!!! But then I feel soooo guilty. Don't know why.

Sorry for the book.

The middle is living with his long-term g/f.

So my SO was the only available when she needed someone as he was/is single w/no kiddies.

 

[ladylibra_30]

He is her son not her man. She is too dependent on him. That's it that's all. He feels obligated to be her financial way through life. His mom doesn't want to let go of him.

I said, regretfully so, one time that his mom may have felt threated financially in the beginning of our relationship. He said that she told him to give her a couple months notice before he moved out. In my mind it was fluff on her behalf. You really can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, stabilize/create a cushion, sell a house, etc in a couple of months Unless God gave you a supernatural blessing. We got into it b/c I flatly said that I hope she wouldn't be dipping into our finances to supplement her lifestyle/living costs every month. When he said that surely we would have extra and could help I said that extra could be saved, invested, and spent on me LOL j/k - sorta (I know that was mean but it's what I felt and it's what keeps me in my place and not moving in with him).

 

[FearlessNik]

I say leave him alone all together. In the long run you WILL NOT WIN. If he a titty baby now, he's gonna be one well into the marriage.

 

[ThickHair]

I think it is unreasonable only because, he has to want to do these things and he shouldn't have to have the lady in his life tell him.

Run Forrest Run. If you two do make it to wedded bliss there will be issues with momma and you will always be seen as unreasonable.

All JMHO

 

[hopeful]

I think he has every right to be a momma's boy. And you have every right to have a man that is not a momma's boy. I say fall back and tell him to do whatever makes him happy. If he wants to live with momma, pay her bills, text back and forth with her all day, then that is what he should do. And you should do what you need to do. I have pretty high boundaries and something like this would be very annoying, but I would not be the one policeing his relationship with his mother. I wouldn't even consider living with him, not to mention marrying him. I say accept being in a triangular relationship or move on. I think you feel guilty because you are treating a grown man like a child and keeping him from his mommy.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I think he has every right to be a momma's boy. And you have every right to have a man that is not a momma's boy. I say fall back and tell him to do whatever makes him happy. If he wants to live with momma, pay her bills, text back and forth with her all day, then that is what he should do. And you should do what you need to do. I have pretty high boundaries and something like this would be very annoying, but I would not be the one policeing his relationship with his mother. I wouldn't even consider living with him, not to mention marrying him. I say accept being in a triangular relationship or move on. I think you feel guilty because you are treating a grown man like a child and keeping him from his mommy.

And the truth is staring me in the face! Simple and to the point.

Thanks for this entire post hopeful

 

[Kimbosheart]

I wrote a long post with another point of view or way for you to look at the situation and then I erased it. But it all boils down to what hopeful put.

At the end of the day we all have to feel right with our decisions and how we treat people and how we let people treat us. If it bothers you so much then leave him alone but I wouldnt be too quick to judge him negatively for being a "momma's boy" and doing what he feels comfortable with after all she was there before you.

 

[ThickHair]

I think he has every right to be a momma's boy. And you have every right to have a man that is not a momma's boy. I say fall back and tell him to do whatever makes him happy. If he wants to live with momma, pay her bills, text back and forth with her all day, then that is what he should do. And you should do what you need to do. I have pretty high boundaries and something like this would be very annoying, but I would not be the one policeing his relationship with his mother. I wouldn't even consider living with him, not to mention marrying him. I say accept being in a triangular relationship or move on. I think you feel guilty because you are treating a grown man like a child and keeping him from his mommy.

hopeful you have never let us down.

 

[ladylibra_30]

I wrote a long post with another point of view or way for you to look at the situation and then I erased it. But it all boils down to what hopeful put.

At the end of the day we all have to feel right with our decisions and how we treat people and how we let people treat us. If it bothers you so much then leave him alone but I wouldnt be too quick to judge him negatively for being a "momma's boy" and doing what he feels comfortable with after all she was there before you.

At the bolded - What does that have to do w/the situation? She'll be there after me too and any other woman he dates/marries/etc if it's God's will. She is what she is - his mother. He is not her surrogate husband and this is where my issue lies w/her. And while I can appreciate a healthy mother-son relationship, I cannot deal w/someone who imposes on mine. Their relationship is locked & bonded while we are still building a strong foundation. Bottom line - If he values me and us then he will do what needs to be done (and not as I bring it to his attention). I would have nothing to say if he said "Look, this is how it's going to be. Deal or leave." But that's not what he says/does - He makes changes but in my heart I know things won't really change, just modified, but not really changed.

I have some decisions to make....

 

[firecracker]

Wow sorry but you need to let that man/momma's boy go. It seems like he is ultra close to his mom and that bothers you so find a man that doesn't have all the issues you stated. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Life is too short.

 

[Kimbosheart]

My brother reminds me of your SO. The bond between mother and child is usually strong if you're blessed and should be respected even after marriage.

When my father died my mom held it together to get us through grade school after she lost the love of her life and became a single parent. Now that we are adults she is dealing with those emotions finally. My brother lives near her still and he checks on her everyday. Talks to her so she still feels loved and includes her in his life. We all text and share out day Sometimes the lines are blurred. Even financially. This works for our family and we support the women who supported us. Thankfully it works for his girlfriend. But that's just us. Everyone is different

I think this is something you should be concerned about if you are contemplating marriage. My mom still supports her MIL. My dad helped my moms extended family. My SO and I are in full agreement about taking care of our parents and managing our resources to try to stay in a position to help if needed if we end up married.

From what you described it honestly doesn't sound like there is some serious boundary crossing. They just seem close and supportive of one another. But that's only how I see it. It's not my situation it's yours.

 

[Bnster]

I don't see anything wrong with him helping out his mother and her letting him help her out. I will always help out my family whenever I can. For me personally, I know that my mother will not take more than I can give . Other ppl in my life will take an arm and leg if I let them. Find a medium that you two can be comfortable with. Sit down and look at the finances if he wants you to move in with him and that is what you want. Can he continue to assist his mom on the same levels? I don't see why if you two are sharing the living expenses 50/50. Plus the other siblings should be assisting her, she has more than one child.

I guess best approach to your financial concerns is to sit down with him and discuss what goals do you see you want the two of you to save in the next few months, a year or so from now to invest in xyz or bank for children and for retirement. Must remember that we must try to give back when ever possible to those that helped and raised us.

As per her calling him when you are with him, is she pounding down his phone? Calling constantly. Can't make a move without him. Those are serious issues and if not let it be and if so must be addressed.

As long as it is the mom on the phone asking or informing him of what is going on, you don't have too much issues to fret about. It is not another woman, as I see it, hey.

Now jumping to do when Momma calls can be annoying especially if you already have plans and it is not an emergency, anyone will be upset including me. However I won't grudge the BF relationship with his momma. He only has one, and if you leave him, who does he have that really loves him, as you said family is forever, outside relationships come and go.

It will take time for him to bond to you as he has with his mom and when he does wowa, you got a lover, friend, significant other for life. I hope you two can work this out. I may have simplified this cause I am not in the situation, but he seems to be a good man who will look out for his family, which could be yours if you two venture that way. Good luck, hon!