Is it unrealistic..?

[lala89]

Is it unrealistic to expect to be courted at this day and age? And I'm not talking about the bare minimum guys do these days, I mean real courting where the man feels the woman is the prize and not vice versa. To be honest, I'm not one for dating my life away. Marrying young and having a life long partner sounds like a good deal. Am I naive to think guys still do this? I would like to get married but if it comes down to accepting less than stellar affection and attention in a relationship or dying alone I might just choose to die alone. Anyone who is currently married or in a promising relationship, were you courted?

 

[mischka]

Nope. Not at all. The problem is we don't want to reject the guys who won't do it when that's the main thing we should be doing...

 

[lesedi]

It better not be.

 

[JayAnn0513]

I don't think so. Like a previous poster said women need to reject the men that don't so that can get the picture.


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[Syrah]

On the flip side, I also think we women have a tendency to reject the men who will court, based on other facets.

 

[Priss Pot]

It is not unrealistic. I think the main problem is that there aren't an abundance of courtship examples for young boys to see. The divorce rate is very high, and it's common for a boy to be raised by a single mother where he doesn't see these things on a regular basis. We have to have men who teach our boys how to treat a woman.

My SO was raised by a single mother. Although his father was in his life, he still didn't have examples of courtship. When he and I first started dating, it was tough in that aspect I admit. I came from a 2-parent home where my parents played the traditional roles. My SO didn't; his mom did everything. Our ideals clashed, and we were very young.

Now, the chivalry things that I expected of a man, he did it reluctantly at first (like opening doors), but now it's like 2nd nature and he doesn't mind it at all. I guess you can say, he had to be taught (but don't tell him that, lol). He's a stubborn man, but he came around and started picking up on the "little things" to do in courtship. I remember one time we got into an argument over these small things, and he told me "(insert name here) I didn't have that example growing up; I didn't know these things; I'm trying!" He really was . And now, there's nothing that he wouldn't do for me. He ain't no punk or nothing, but he realizes what he has in me and he says he feels very lucky to have me and that I gave him a chance.

 

[ThickHair]

On the flip side, I also think we women have a tendency to reject the men who will court, based on other facets.

Yeah, he is too nice.

 

[Guitarhero]

Do you mean official courtship where you are looking for a marriage partner? It certainly happens this day and age. Check your particular community for a matchmaker, your religious or spiritual community etc. for a suitable guy who is like-minded. I just found one link for my own community but happy searching!!! I know just what you mean.

 

[aribell]

Now, the chivalry things that I expected of a man, he did it reluctantly at first (like opening doors), but now it's like 2nd nature and he doesn't mind it at all. I guess you can say, he had to be taught (but don't tell him that, lol). He's a stubborn man, but he came around and started picking up on the "little things" to do in courtship. I remember one time we got into an argument over these small things, and he told me "(insert name here) I didn't have that example growing up; I didn't know these things; I'm trying!" He really was . And now, there's nothing that he wouldn't do for me. He ain't no punk or nothing, but he realizes what he has in me and he says he feels very lucky to have me and that I gave him a chance.

How did you go about making your expectations clear to him? It's really nice to hear that he was devoted enough to work at it.

 

[Syrah]

Yeah, he is too nice.

Exactly. We're wanting the dude built like a point guard, with ivy league smarts (or life experience equivalency), a 740+ plus FICO score, his own home and rental properties, who can cook like Rick Bayless and has the desire to court a girl...

Something's got to give. Not all of it - but at least the bowlegged part.

 

[Priss Pot]

How did you go about making your expectations clear to him? It's really nice to hear that he was devoted enough to work at it.

Well, for one I had to be a good listener. I had to listen to his reasonings for why he felt certain things (like opening doors) wasn't necessary in the grand scheme of things when there are bigger things to worry about in a man (like if the man will help you financially if you ever needed money, etc). While they did make sense in a clear cut kind of way, I had to let him know that these little things are things that I like....not solely because of society, but because these are gestures that I like done for me. Because of the type of guy he is, I couldn't just say "this is how it's going to be, and you're going to do it!" He doesn't work that way cause he will retreat in a minute and close someone off if they approach him in that manner. He is receptive of other people's ideals and doesn't mind compromise. Now that he's doing these things, I am sure to let him know that I appreciate him, and I do thank him ever so often. Just like I don't want for my actions to be taken for granted, I don't want him to think that I take him for granted either.

I remember back in undergrad after I paid my dues and fees for my sorority, I was broke. This man carried me financially for months afterwards. He wasn't even my husband, yet he had no problem whatsoever with putting out for me and NEVER asked for anything in return. Was I really going to leave him because he forgot to open my door a week prior? That situation there put things into perspective, even for me.

 

[mischka]

Exactly. We're wanting the dude built like a point guard, with ivy league smarts (or life experience equivalency), a 740+ plus FICO score, his own home and rental properties, who can cook like Rick Bayless and has the desire to court a girl...

Something's got to give. Not all of it - but at least the bowlegged part.

Awwwww, this makes me sad kind of. I think a lot of it has to do with not knowing what kind of guy you want. When I was a little younger, the type of guy I was interested in was largely predicated on how attracted I was to him. I won't lie and say I've completely grown out of my lookism, but now I know what's most important is his attitudes toward women, and dating and relationships. I believe now in giving a much heavier emphasis on a man who has traditional masculine values so it's one of the first things I'm interested in now, and one of the things I look out for and give extra points for. These days I judge a man more on how capable he is of being a man instead of caring more about "I can't if he doesn't look like this or have this..."

 

[Makenzie]

Men willing to court are still out there. You may have to do a lot of weeding to get to them, but they are there.

 

[Makenzie]

Yeah, he is too nice.

I hate hear women say this. Like, really? He's too nice????erplexed How do you want to be treated then? knocked upside the head to be shown you're loved?

 

[Makenzie]

Awwwww, this makes me sad kind of. I think a lot of it has to do with not knowing what kind of guy you want. When I was a little younger, the type of guy I was interested in was largely predicated on how attracted I was to him. I won't lie and say I've completely grown out of my lookism, but now I know what's most important is his attitudes toward women, and dating and relationships. I believe now in giving a much heavier emphasis on a man who has traditional masculine values so it's one of the first things I'm interested in now, and one of the things I look out for and give extra points for. These days I judge a man more on how capable he is of being a man instead of caring more about "I can't if he doesn't look like this or have this..."

Yep, looks fade when the mortgage is due or heaven fordbid, late. They fade when he's creating a scene in front of people, or is someone always angry or nitpicking. I do try hard to remember that when I find out someone is interested in me and I'm not attracted to them. I try, but there must be some sort of attraction.

 

[Katherina]

It's not unrealistic. Settling breeds resentment.

 

[Makenzie]

It's not unrealistic. Settling breeds resentment.

I like that quote. So very true.

 

[DaughterOfZion1]

Courtship is alive and well. My girls at church do it. My friend just started one. Other friend got married in 09. Other friend is courting. I mean beautiful relationships. I will ONLY be courting. No other way about it.

 

[Renewed1]

Awwwww, this makes me sad kind of. I think a lot of it has to do with not knowing what kind of guy you want. When I was a little younger, the type of guy I was interested in was largely predicated on how attracted I was to him. I won't lie and say I've completely grown out of my lookism, but now I know what's most important is his attitudes toward women, and dating and relationships. I believe now in giving a much heavier emphasis on a man who has traditional masculine values so it's one of the first things I'm interested in now, and one of the things I look out for and give extra points for. These days I judge a man more on how capable he is of being a man instead of caring more about "I can't if he doesn't look like this or have this..."

I agree with your statement. I would judge on a man on those principles as well as his looks. I know what I'm attracted too; I feel I shouldn't have to "settle" for a less than attractive guy. I've done that in the past and it killed my sexual desire for him.

 

[Incognitus]

I hate hear women say this. Like, really? He's too nice????erplexed How do you want to be treated then? knocked upside the head to be shown you're loved?

Yes, someone can be too nice, to the point where they almost seem fake. They're too agreeable in a sense that it seems as if they have no likes or dislikes of their own (they agree with or like everything you want or like). A man becomes "too nice" when he's so passive that he doesn't seem to have a true personality of his own. Anyhow, that's what I mean when I say a man is too nice...

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Yes, someone can be too nice, to the point where they almost seem fake. They're too agreeable in a sense that it seems as if they have no likes or dislikes of their own (they agree with or like everything you want or like). A man becomes "too nice" when he's so passive that he doesn't seem to have a true personality of his own. Anyhow, that's what I mean when I say a man is too nice...

I agree with this.

As for courting, I expect it from a guy I'm considering dating, let alone for my DH. My father courted my mother so I have an example for where I set the bar. Women truly don't know the power we have. If more women required men to court them, male behavior would change because they wouldn't get anyone otherwise.

 

[Incognitus]

^^Yes, unfortunately, we are victims of our own doings (most of the time)..

 

[Raspberry]

On the flip side, I also think we women have a tendency to reject the men who will court, based on other facets.

Yeah, he is too nice.

Yep, those are the main guys who get the "cornball" label from my observation.

A lot of women give lips service to the idea of being courted but the guys willing to do that are usually not the same ones getting the most play.. we show men what we want by our actions...

 

[lala89]

I only think nick cannon types and yes men as cornballs. Are we supposed to not be choosey with what we want and are attracted to just because they acknowledge chivalry? Is this not also a form of settling?

 

[Makenzie]

I only think nick cannon types and yes men as cornballs. Are we supposed to not be choosey with what we want and are attracted to just because they acknowledge chivalry? Is this not also a form of settling?

Not at all. If chivalry is important to you, then you choose the one you are attracted to out of that pool of options. You don't choose them just because they are chivalrous. That wouldn't be fair to you or them.

 

[nubiennze]

I understand and agree that passiveness and lack of assertion are undesirable traits in a man, but I'd be cautious about attributing these characteristics to all nice guys. I think a man can have a quiet manner and not be prone to belligerence and machismo without being weak, as the "yes man" moniker suggests. We have to be careful not to confuse introversion or a lack of social facility for being "too nice."

Nick Cannon is goofy, yes, but I wouldn't automatically write him or any other man off based solely on his not being uber suave. We can't demand a man who will charm us out of our panties, then complain that all men are dogs.

 

[MizAvalon]

Not unrealistic at all. There are men out there who still believe in chivalry, courtship, and tradition.

I have one and he tells me every single day that he hit the biggest lottery ever when he met me and that I am his entire life.