Is it strange to plan a wedding without a proposal??

[cdawnlewis]

Little background, me and my SO have been dating for 2+ years and we have been talking about marriage and so forth. We both agree we are going to get married soon, but he is wanting to save up for the ring. Well, we are talking about details of the future wedding, but I feel strange since there hasn't been a proposal yet! Is it too soon to start planning a wedding without a proposal?? Thoughts?

 

[Bmack]

You can do research, just do not put money down on anything as yet. Look at wedding magazines, look on line for ideas. Nothing wrong with that....imo anyway.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Yes, it's like making a nursery without being pregnant.

Then again, I've always been strange...

 

[cdawnlewis]

I can see it both ways. I had a friend who went all out looking for dresses, trying them on, looking for bridesmaid dresses and all that without even having a proposal and I thought it was insane! But, then at the same time, now that I'm kind of in that position, I feel it would help in knowing an idea of what I want for when that day does come...my SO is totally into it as well and is interested in hearing ideas and stuff. So I really don't know how I feel about it!

 

[MD_Lady]

Little background, me and my SO have been dating for 2+ years and we have been talking about marriage and so forth. We both agree we are going to get married soon, but he is wanting to save up for the ring. Well, we are talking about details of the future wedding, but I feel strange since there hasn't been a proposal yet! Is it too soon to start planning a wedding without a proposal?? Thoughts?

I wouldn't necessarily call it "strange" because you know you're getting married. If you were putting down deposits, that would be another story... BTW, people are entitled to their personal preferences, but if he wants to propose, he doesn't have to let the absence of a ring stop him.

 

[Sasha299]

If you guys are planning to get married then don't let a technical lack of proposal matter - IMO. I'm married and we did not have a technical proposition - we just planned. Personally, a surprise proposal is a romantic pie in the sky for me since I expected the relationship that was obviously going towards marriage. The best day for me was ring choosing day.

 

[cdawnlewis]

I wouldn't necessarily call it "strange" because you know you're getting married. If you were putting down deposits, that would be another story... BTW, people are entitled to their personal preferences, but if he wants to propose, he doesn't have to let the absence of a ring stop him.

I understand, but we have both been married once before. He knows how my last marriage was and wants me to have the whole wedding experiance that I never had before. He really wants us just to elope, but then he doesn't want to deprive me from having my dream wedding. I don't want to put down any deposits or anythign because I dont even have time frame to give them . I just feel a little silly

 

[MD_Lady]

I understand, but we have both been married once before. He knows how my last marriage was and wants me to have the whole wedding experiance that I never had before. He really wants us just to elope, but then he doesn't want to deprive me from having my dream wedding. I don't want to put down any deposits or anythign because I dont even have time frame to give them . I just feel a little silly

And this is what's most important. Regardless of what anyone else says, if you aren't comfortable with the way things are going, you should probably consider making some changes.

 

[cdawnlewis]

If you guys are planning to get married then don't let a technical lack of proposal matter - IMO. I'm married and we did not have a technical proposition - we just planned. Personally, a surprise proposal is a romantic pie in the sky for me since I expected the relationship that was obviously going towards marriage. The best day for me was ring choosing day.

Thank you so much for this

 

[cdawnlewis]

And this is what's most important. Regardless of what anyone else says, if you aren't comfortable with the way things are going, you should probably consider making some changes.

I guess my problem is just seeming desperate or something, it's weird because he wants to help me plan a wedding. I'm very organized, and I need time frames, dates, the whole nine! Lol. He says he wants to start planning it, but I don't see how that can be possible.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Congrats on finding love

Have the two of you agreed on how you'll pay for your wedding?

If the two of you are paying for it yourselves, and since it is taking him some time to save for the ring, it might be good to check in with him on how much he expects to spend for the wedding, and if he wants to go into debt for the wedding, or save for it as well.

 

[MD_Lady]

I guess my problem is just seeming desperate or something, it's weird because he wants to help me plan a wedding. I'm very organized, and I need time frames, dates, the whole nine! Lol. He says he wants to start planning it, but I don't see how that can be possible.

There is NOTHING desperate about wanting to be able to plan in earnest (although I have to admit that I'm slightly biased in favor of your approach ). The truth of the matter is that all of the things that will truly "set your date" require something concrete from the two of you. Maybe I missed this in your OP, but has he given you an idea of when he plans to propose?

 

[ThickHair]

YES, it is strange. He is talking about marriage, you are talking about marriage. Why hasn't he ask? That is my issue. It isn't like you have to get married tomorrow. IMHO something is a little off.

 

[cdawnlewis]

Congrats on finding love

Have the two of you agreed on how you'll pay for your wedding?

If the two of you are paying for it yourselves, and since it is taking him some time to save for the ring, it might be good to check in with him on how much he expects to spend, and if he wants to go into debt for the wedding, or save for it as well.

Thanks so much! Yes, we have talked and agreed that we will pay for everything ourselves so we won't be in debt afterwards.

 

[cdawnlewis]

YES, it is strange. He is talking about marriage, you are talking about marriage. Why hasn't he ask? That is my issue. It isn't like you have to get married tomorrow. IMHO something is a little off.

He hasnt asked because he wants for me to have a traditional wedding. My first one was crap. I've told him what I would like for my dream wedding to be about and he is totally understanding and supportive. If it were his way he would just take me to Vegas today and elope(we've talked about it, but both agreed for us and our families it would be best to wait and plan a wedding). Nothing is "off", it's just all about timing, we don't want to rush into anything.

 

[Prudent1]

Only if we are talking about in abstract terms. If we are talking detailed plans, I wouldn't call you strange (cause I'm a planner too) but you might be 'jumping the gun' so to speak. IA with the poster that said you don't need a ring or date to be formally asked "Will you marry me?"
Glad you found love!

 

[ThickHair]

He hasnt asked because he wants for me to have a traditional wedding. My first one was crap. I've told him what I would like for my dream wedding to be about and he is totally understanding and supportive. If it were his way he would just take me to Vegas today and elope(we've talked about it, but both agreed for us and our families it would be best to wait and plan a wedding). Nothing is "off", it's just all about timing, we don't want to rush into anything.

That is beside the point, how does him wanting you to have a traditional wedding have to do with him asking? He can ask you to have his kid, but that doesn't mean you have to get preganant that night. KWIM.

I just want to make sure that I understand your situation. He won't proposal until he has all of his ducks in a row, so he can give you the wedding that you want?

 

[cdawnlewis]

There is NOTHING desperate about wanting to be able to plan in earnest (although I have to admit that I'm slightly biased in favor of your approach ). The truth of the matter is that all of the things that will truly "set your date" require something concrete from the two of you. Maybe I missed this in your OP, but has he given you an idea of when he plans to propose?

Well all he tells me is that it is in the VERY near future..he's had "secret" convos with my family and everything, and I overheard him mentioning different ring stores he is planning to check out.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Thanks so much! Yes, we have talked and agreed that we will pay for everything ourselves so we won't be in debt afterwards.

It's great when marriages can start without heavy wedding-related debt.

Since you both need time to save money for the ring AND the wedding (right?), then it might make sense to hold off on making any firm wedding plans, IMO.

 

[Maracujá]

I don't think it's strange.

 

[cdawnlewis]

That is beside the point, how does him wanting you to have a traditional wedding have to do with him asking? He can ask you to have his kid, but that doesn't mean you have to get preganant that night. KWIM.

I just want to make sure that I understand your situation. He won't proposal until he has all of his ducks in a row, so he can give you the wedding that you want?

He wont officially propose until he has a ring yes. But while he is saving up for a ring (seeing how we don't want to be in debt with ANY wedding realted stuff after our wedding) he does want us to start planning at least an idea of what we want.

 

[cdawnlewis]

It's great when marriages can start without heavy wedding-related debt.

Since you both need time to save money for the ring AND the wedding (right?), then it might make sense to hold off on making any firm wedding plans, IMO.

Yeah, we want to start paying little by little instead of just saving a full 25K for a wedding and then having it. We want to set a budget and then pay as we go. But the issue is not knowing the time frame lol.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Yeah, we want to start paying little by little instead of just saving a full 25K for a wedding and then having it. We want to set a budget and then pay as we go. But the issue is not knowing the time frame lol.

Of course! Do you have a venue in mind for the wedding/reception?

 

[cdawnlewis]

Of course! Do you have a venue in mind for the wedding/reception?

No, I disallowed myself from thinking about that

 

[ThickHair]

He wont officially propose until he has a ring yes. But while he is saving up for a ring (seeing how we don't want to be in debt with ANY wedding realted stuff after our wedding) he does want us to start planning at least an idea of what we want.

So you guy's will have enough money after the 25k wedding to live? Cdawnlewis, I am not trying to be a hard arse or anything, I am just in awe of this.

Ok you said he won't officially proposed, so has he unofficially proposed, if there is such a thing?

I guess, I am one of those folks who don't do long engagements, and pomp and circumstance. I am now divorced, but I did a destination wedding and I didn't have to do any wedding planning, nor wait on a ring, etc.......... In all honesty I would have loved to have had an extra 25k in my man's pockets, best believe it wouldn't have been used on a wedding.

Good luck, let us know how everything goes. I am very curious.


ETA: It sounds very nerve racking to be planning for a wedding that doesn't actually exist yet, since you haven't officially (actually) been proposed to. Man, I don't think guys do this.

 

[BGT]

Why don't you two discuss setting a date?

 

[Pat Mahurr]

No, I disallowed myself from thinking about that

From my purely emotional perspective, I wouldn't move forward to plan a wedding without a proposal. I'm the "show-me-don't-tell-me" sorta person. I'd need to hear the words and see the ring. But I know you have faith that it will happen and I don't wanna rain on your joy, so I'll take this rather practical angle:

IMO, you and your FH really should talk it out amongst yourselves. Do you know what his thinking is in terms of paying off the ring? You should think about whether you and he would be more comfortable paying off one thing (the ring) before taking on a bunch of other things. For example, you'll likely need a deposit for the venue, and that could cost a chunk of change. If he is at all struggling to save for the ring, then spending money to secure a venue might eat into your existing budget. See?

It's really important that you both be on the same page from the get-go -- especially when it comes to timing and money. Talk to him! HTH!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

No, I disallowed myself from thinking about that

Okay I understand why but three things:
1) If you're really sure it's just a ring thing why not look into it? It's one last thing that is a headache later. Do all the grunt work that you'd normally do, but without putting down money.
2) Does he have a deadline in which he'll be able to get up the money? I think a guy who tells you he wants to propose would give you an idea...or else he could be saving for five years. Make sure you're on the same page with this.
3) Are you planning to marry in 2011? If so get into that marriage in 2011 thread and start running through ideas with the rest of us. We'd love to have you. I definitely would. It's fun to see everyone else's ideas and to run through challenges, options, etc.


Finally it's not crazy. The cart is before the horse, but you're pretty sure the horse is coming, so why not have some fun. I have to take your word that you know your man. This is an unusual situation, however, and isn't ideal. He should know that, and be prepared to make it happen soon (pop the question). I understand that you want things done right including the proposal and that's why he hasn't asked with out a ring. I really hope for your sake that he is on the same page. Be prepared for any possible hiccups (or lack of proposals) and don't wait forever for him. Don't let him string you along without a ring as you go place to place looking into weddings, and then this all falls through.

Oh and one last thing...don't want to throw a monkey wrench but have you asked yourself if you'll be finacially stable in marriage if he's having a hard time saving for a ring? If you think you will be then go for it and plan away. If not, maybe marriage should be put on hold....but only you know if that's necessary depending on the situation.

 

[TayMac]

Daydreaming and looking in bridal magazines/websites from time to time isn't strange to me. All out planning without the proposal IS strange IMO.

I don't want to discuss real details without the proposal but for ME the ring wouldn't be very necessary especially if it's adding more financial strain. Save money and forgo the ring (or get a cheaper ring) so you can have a nice wedding now/sooner.

Whatever makes you happy though.

 

[cdawnlewis]

So you guy's will have enough money after the 25k wedding to live? Cdawnlewis, I am not trying to be a hard arse or anything, I am just in awe of this.

Ok you said he won't officially proposed, so has he unofficially proposed, if there is such a thing?

I guess, I am one of those folks who don't do long engagements, and pomp and circumstance. I am now divorced, but I did a destination wedding and I didn't have to do any wedding planning, nor wait on a ring, etc.......... In all honesty I would have loved to have had an extra 25k in my man's pockets, best believe it wouldn't have been used on a wedding.

Good luck, let us know how everything goes. I am very curious.

We both make a comfortable living if that says anything. He has told me he wants to marry me. He has already told his family, and when everyone asks "when are ya'll getting married" he says soon very very soon. We will definitely have a wedding that we can afford and we both wont go over our means.