Is it better to live with someone before marriage?

Kkinds

Kkinds

Member
So, I've never had a bf that lived with me because I'm personally against shacking. Not judging at all, but I never want my bf to feel to like he can get all the incentives of a marriage without being married to me. You know the old saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" lol! But people always say you have to live with someone before to really know them. I have friends who are married and they didn't live with their hubbys until marriage and got some unpleasant surprises. I also have other friends who decided to break off engagements or end relationships when they actually stated living with the person and saw their true colors. What are your opinions?!
 
There have been threads on this in the past. I can tell you most are against it, then there's the ones that say only if you actually have a engagement ring on your finger, last is the people who are for it/doing it.
 
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I used to be against it, before living with my ex. Now I am definitely going to live with someone very early after our engagement.
 
I'm against it if there isn't any commitment within the relationship and a willingness to become married one day. I don't believe in living with folks who don't want to take the next step... Seems like time wasted.
 
In itself, living together isn't the issue. boundaries and unrealistic expectations are the real problem.

Some people inaccurately believe that living together is a reflection of relationship commitment, investment, etc when that's not the case. They see it see it as some form of trial test run for marriage when there is no such thing. Fact is, marriage is the only real long-term relationship investment. Unless you're married you're still boyfriend and girlfriend aka single. Consequently, relationship should be treated such. The problem with living together often arises due the reality that once you begin sharing a home it's easy to become comfortable so these boundaries to become blurred. Instead of a dating couple, it's easy for people living together to find themselves prematurely invested in the relationship beyond bf/gf inappropriately behaving as husband and wife/married couple.

That can be a problem.

It's also a recipe for someone to potentially get their feelings hurt in the future. :nono: Example, couples that live together usually make it a point to introduce themselves as NOT married. after long-term shacking it's not uncommon for one party to take offense to the disclaimer seeing themselves or the relationship as something deeper or more than it actually is as. :ohwell:

My two cents, if you're going to live together it's best to have no expectations for the direction and future relationship.
OR
If marriage is the goal, it's best to be engaged, actively wedding planning with a date set and invitations just about in the mail.
 
A month after we got engaged, I moved and lived with DH. For us, I think it was the best thing that could have happened, for the sake of our marriage.
I'll come back later to elaborate.
 
They say you learn a lot about someone when you live with them. I see this as true. I'm still getting married even though we live together. I could get married tomorrow if I wanted to because he is ready but it's me delaying smh. I get scared because I feel like I'm stuck for life. I believe the first person you marry you are marrying for life. And if your getting remarried it's not a real marriage, your first marriage is the only real one (what I believe ) and I'm not with the adultery at all
 
I think it's practicing for divorce because you don't have the same committment as when you are married. So if some things they do get on your nerves it's easier to bounce
 
It's not for an outsider to say whether this would be better or worse for someone else's relationship and people have to do what makes them comfortable- I was against cohabitation for my relationship and have yet to regret this decision, but I know people who can say the same thing about their choice to live together before getting married.
 
Ummm. I think there is more of a problem with marrying the wrong person if you live together first. I think people stay with someone incompatible for longer if they cohabit because its inconvenient to split everything up and start again. Just keep on "trying again".

They say there's 33% higher likelihood of divorce if you cohabit first. I think that's because if a higher proportion of unsuitable couples cohabiting then going on to marry.

Personally I think its best to stay separate and try a 1-3 month trial. A persons bad habits will come out by then lol.
It depends on the couple really though. Personal decision.
 
For ME, it worked. We discussed the future and knew that we wanted to marry one another, but it wasn't officially, official until a year or so later after moving in together. We had some REALLY nasty arguments and true colors were definitely shown during that timeframe. I learned so much more than he presented and vice versa.

This year marks our 4 year anniversary and to this day, the married fights have yet to compare to the fights we had when we first moved in together. That's not to say that it won't ever get as bad as they once were, but because of what we experienced early on, we're better prepped to handle those situations should they arise.
 
I come from a different school of thought on shacking because I moved in with my husband 6 months into our relationship and we got married in April.

The biggest thing I learned was that if you have a man that wants to "get the milk for free", he will do so regardless of your living situation. To me, not living together does nothing to protect your relationship if you are with someone who really doesn't want to get married TO YOU to begin with.

My husband and I knew from day one that we wanted to marry each other. He made his intentions very clear. He asked me to move in with him early in our relationship because I was at his house every day and he didn't see the point in both of us paying rent. Yes we had a lot of crazy arguments, but it taught us a lot about how we each handled stress, grief, and other life issues. We still maintained certain boundaries and NEVER treated the other like a spouse before saying "I do". Anything we did for each other was truly voluntary.

Now that we are married, I feel like I truly know him and him me. I know his limitations, strengths, and weaknesses. We rarely argue now because we understand each other. Shacking up worked out for me but I would have only done it with him. Any other man, I would have kept my own place.

I am not encouraging anyone to live with their SO before marriage, but each relationship is different and should be treated as such.
 
Nyssa28 said:
For ME, it worked. We discussed the future and knew that we wanted to marry one another, but it wasn't officially, official until a year or so later after moving in together. We had some REALLY nasty arguments and true colors were definitely shown during that timeframe. I learned so much more than he presented and vice versa.

This year marks our 4 year anniversary and to this day, the married fights have yet to compare to the fights we had when we first moved in together. That's not to say that it won't ever get as bad as they once were, but because of what we experienced early on, we're better prepped to handle those situations should they arise.
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This was my experience when I lived with my ex, but obviously we didn't make it. It wasn't because of the fights, etc., but living together was definitely very telling as to what married life with him would have been like. And it would not have been good AT ALL. :nono:
 
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Only if there is some understood commitment. You don;t want to be tied to a lease with a guy who turns out to be bad for you, but then you wind up youre either forced to stay with him or live with him to pay the bills.
 
My mama always told me you really who you are married to until you actually get married..so I say it does not matter. I have seen both scenarios play out badly. :yep:
 
I don't need to live with someone to really know them. With that said, I wouldn't be living with my bf/fiance before marriage.

eta: Living together, imo, tests your ability to live with that person, not your ability to work together in a marriage. The latter is where shared values etc. comes in.
 
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I am personally against it. But i think every relationship and the people in it are different. I wouldn't advise anyone to do either or.
 
I have done it before, and I used to say I wouldn't do it again. But at this point, I think I would. I want to see what I am working with beforehand!
 
I moved in with my ex-fiance after he proposed then our relationship crashed and burned terribly. We were 9 days from the altar when I called it off. And seeing where he is now and knowing what I wanted (and now have) to accomplish, I know that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I moved in with my current SO after a year of dating and him asking 3 or 4 times. I told him I don't believe in shacking indefinitely or having OOW children. He said he doesn't either and everything he has said regarding "our future", he has brought into fruition. He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't pressure him for a ring, but I also don't believe in wasting time. So in the event he tried to nut up and stall, he may find himself single again.

ETA: I'm not married but I have seen the living with a man before and after you've gotten your ring and I think the issue will be what both parties expect from each other for the future.
 
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I wouldn't do it unless we were engaged. Otherwise, what's the point? If we aren't getting married, then there is no reason for us to live together. You live at your place, I live at my place, and we just continue dating.


Oh, and I completely agree with Barbie's post. It isn't the living together in itself that's problematic, it's the unrealistic expectations and the lack of true commitment. Statistics have proved this over and over again.
 
LiftedUp said:
I don't need to live with someone to really know them. With that said, I wouldn't be living with my bf/fiance before marriage.

eta: Living together, imo, tests your ability to live with that person, not your ability to work together in a marriage. The latter is where shared values etc. comes in.
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Ehhhh....... :ohwell: While I personally will NOT be living with my future bf/fiance before I get married, I definitely have to disagree with this statement lol.

You REALLY learn things about people you never even KNEW you would learn when you start living with them. :look: I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. I'm just talking about even platonic relationships. I knew a girl friend of mine for YEARS and thought that I "knew" her, until we rented an apartment together and started living under the same roof. :look:

You REALLY start learning about someone's quirks, idiosyncrasies, likes/dislikes, and PERSONALITY traits when you actually LIVE with someone. That (imo) is what makes the first few years of marriage kind of challenging for most. :perplexed

With that said, I can understand why some people choose to live with their SO before marriage, but I personally wouldn't be into doing that because I don't think it's necessary for a happy marriage, nor does it go in harmony with my religious and moral background. :yep: But to each his/her own!
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Ehhhh....... :ohwell: While I personally will NOT be living with my future bf/fiance before I get married, I definitely have to disagree with this statement lol.

You REALLY learn things about people you never even KNEW you would learn when you start living with them. :look: I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. I'm just talking about even platonic relationships. I knew a girl friend of mine for YEARS and thought that I "knew" her, until we rented an apartment together and started living under the same roof. :look:

You REALLY start learning about someone's quirks, idiosyncrasies, likes/dislikes, and PERSONALITY traits when you actually LIVE with someone. That (imo) is what makes the first few years of marriage kind of challenging for most. :perplexed

With that said, I can understand why some people choose to live with their SO before marriage, but I personally wouldn't be into doing that because I don't think it's necessary for a happy marriage, nor does it go in harmony with my religious and moral background. :yep: But to each his/her own!
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I've lived with people and never grew to know them. Hence, you don't have to live with someone to really know them.

eta: In fact I lived with a girl friend a couple of years ago and we are still really good friends. My statement meant that you can get to know someone without living with them prior. In fact, people change over the years. Also, I don't buy in to the first couple of years being difficult. It may be difficult for some but it won't necessarily be for me.
 
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IME, you can live with your SO or spouse or anyone for that matter for years and still not know them.:look: I mean beyond the habits and quirks because marriage is deeper than that. I'm talking what's in someone's heart. I would not live with someone before marriage but I have friends who live with their SOs. People have to do what's right for them and it's just not for me.:yep:
 
I truly believe the demise of my last relationship was largely in part due to living with each other. I will never... And I mean NEVER do it again. I really didn't want to in the first place and I messed around and listened to my well meaning friends who thought I was being too cautious, for lack of a better word. I hated it from the time I moved in and when I moved out, I couldn't be happier. As a result I'm kind of a "spend the night" phobe and my dude kind of feels some type of way whenever he asks me to "just stay" and I'm like uhhh...no. :look: If you actually want your relationship to last then don't do it. It's not worth it. The only way I'd live with a man again is once we're already married and have returned from the honeymoon. I could never in good conscience tell someone to try it and see for themselves. JMO
 
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I believe you don't really know a person until you live with them.

I would never marry someone without living with them
 
I've done it twice.

First time I did after a couple years dating. After 9 months living together and engaged I knew I could not spend my life with dude. I left. He spent years begging me to return and get married blah blah blah. I never looked back.

Second time, I moved in after 6 months dating. We're married now. I would do it again if I had to.
 
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