Is being single THAT bad?

[jupitermoon]

Society paints a dire picture of single women, especially single Black women. Lately, there have been so many articles and news segments about single Black women. It's getting real old and I wish the media would find something else to focus on. You'd think being single was the worst thing in world.

I'm slowly starting to realize that things aren't always as rosy as they seem. It seems like a large percentage of married women are in not so happy relationships but choose to remain in them out of fear of being alone. For whatever reason many of these same women will brag and try to convince everyone that things are so great and perfect though.

I wish society wasn't so hard on single women. I still am putting myself out there and going places but I just want to be happy and am sick of obsessing about finding someone.

This thread is for those of us that are single. What do you do to remain happy and not worry so much about growing old alone and being lonely? I believe I will eventually find someone but it may take many many years (I may be 40 or 50 by then), but I'm sick of being depressed about this and worrying. I'd like to NOT care about being alone and single for a change. When I'm older and look back on my 20s, I'd like to remember pleasant things instead of remembering how depressed and obsessed I was about being single. I can't make guys like me and want to be with me (and Lord knows I've tried); it's either going to happen or it's not.

Are you truly happy and single and truly don't mind being alone?

 

[qchelle]

This is really kinda OT but: are there really news segments about this? And where are all the articles coming from? I only see them when they're posted here. Jeez. I don't read/watch TV enough lol

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I've been single for 5 years (separated from ex-hubby, just made it official in May). I sometimes mind being alone. I don't miss his company because he wasn't emotionally available. I do, however, miss intelligent conversation. Finally, at 44, I know what I want. I don't mind being alone because that means I don't have to deal with BS. There's a piece-of-mind factor that's priceless!!

 

[Gigi-07]

Well finally, a thread in which I can give a long response. lol.
I never really get to participate fully in this section because I've always been single, so I have little to share. Now I can share some things!

This thread is for those of us that are single. What do you do to remain happy and not worry so much about growing old alone and being lonely?

I'm a very busy UG student. Between a full course load, going out with friends during my very rare spare time, and sleeping, I have virtually no time to even daydream about meeting guys, much less dating and being in a relationship with one.
It's not a priority for me because right now, life revolves around "high GPA, building résumé, enjoying my 20's". A man would be added stress and obligations.
It's only now during the summer when I have much less to do, that I lurk in this section, mostly out of curiosity. I figure what I learn here will help in the future, when I am finally indeed ready to date.

Are you truly happy and single and truly don't mind being alone?

I'm happy with my life...for now. I don't know how I'll feel in a decade. I know for a FACT that I DO NOT want marriage, and I DO NOT want kids. But that's a very unique sentiment apparently, as I don't hear many women say this. Due to my desire to establish a successful and influential career, I can't see myself being a SAHM. Nothing wrong with it, but I'm in love with what I study (Political Science, International Relations) and I want to spend my life doing something in that area. Undistracted, unburdened by anything else. If I were to have kids, it would be all about them. I wouldn't juggle work and kids 50/50, that's not the ideal situation IMHO.
All this to really say...what my criteria would be for a potential partner in the future is a bit different. He has to be okay with being a LT bf, and not desire to have kids. This is much harder to find than you think as most people eventually want to reproduce.

If a woman is looking forward to creating a family, I can see why being single would be a problem for her. If she is just "feeling lonely", however, she needs to assess why she feels this way. And I think this is where I'll stop because my "experiences" do not go beyond this point. I don't feel lonely, my male friends are all the male energy I need, I have had an almost non-existent libido (maybe this helps? lol), I actually can't imagine sharing my bed lol I like to twist and 109x/hr, stretch, fart, I talk and giggle in my sleep, so I dunno. I guess I'll learn how to manage sleeping with a man when I cross that bridge.

 

[Lenee925]

To answer your question I truly and honestly enjoy everything about not being married or having kids. I enjoy enriching the loves of my friends and families and sharing in the happiness of my married friends as well. I love being single. I'm sure I'm in the minority though.

 

[Makenzie]

I enjoy being single most days. The other days its hard. Not that I'm not content/happy with my life, but because I enjoy the companionship a relationship brings. Until that happens though, I'm really trying to focus on doing things that enrich my life. Does this attitude fill the desire I have to remarry? No, and I don't expect it to. However, life passes by so quickly. Why not be happy even though I am single? Why should a single woman sit around and have a pity party? Enjoy life. Plus, doing this makes her an even more attractive and interesting woman.

 

[Sapphire]

I wouldn't say that being single is "bad" but it is not something I enjoy. I've spent many years being single and I have a strong desire for companionship. I think it about it a lot but try to not let it consume me. I don't think there's anything with that.

 

[jupitermoon]

This is really kinda OT but: are there really news segments about this? And where are all the articles coming from? I only see them when they're posted here. Jeez. I don't read/watch TV enough lol

Yes, shows like 20/20 and Dateline have covered this topic. Plus CNN made a show called "Black in America" and the single Black women was a topic covered. I also remember back in college reading in one of my sociology books about Black women have the highest percentage of singleness out of any other group.

I don't watch a lot of TV either, but the whole single Black women topic is everywhere; it's hard for me to miss it.

 

[jupitermoon]

I enjoy being single most days. The other days its hard. Not that I'm not content/happy with my life, but because I enjoy the companionship a relationship brings. Until that happens though, I'm really trying to focus on doing things that enrich my life. Does this attitude fill the desire I have to remarry? No, and I don't expect it to. However, life passes by so quickly. Why not be happy even though I am single? Why should a single woman sit around and have a pity party? Enjoy life. Plus, doing this makes her an even more attractive and interesting woman.

This is what I'm trying to do. As much as I hate to say this I'm not sure I'll ever be truly happy until I can get into a relationship, but I'm trying not to feel this way. I can't make guys like me and I know I should just get over it, move on, and enjoy life.

I'm working on finding ways to make myself happy.

 

[Ediese]

I'm single right now, and I don't think it's bad at all. I really don't get the big deal. I wonder if it's because I'm just single 'by choice', so I'm not stressing myself out about not ever finding a man. idk

I do know though that I decided after my last relationship that I needed to take a break, and work on me for the time being. I had always been one of those women that got into a relationship right after the last one ended. lol I dont' think I've ever been single my entire adult life. That wasn't healthy for me.

Now that I'm finishing up grad school, I know that I really don't have time or energy to focus my attention on a man. With school and work, my life is full to the max. I hardly have time to sleep I'm always writing some friggin paper. Uggh!! If I were in a relationship, I think I'd probably be too stressed out trying to find time to spend with my SO. When I was in undergrad, I dated this guy that always complained about the lack of time I was spending with him. I don't need the headache now.

 

[Enyo]

Society paints a dire picture of single women, especially single Black women.

Honestly, I don't think it's society. In my experience, it's really been other women. They tend to point out me being single much more than any man every has. Women are always asking when I'm going to get married and have babies. Men ask too, but it's generally one man for every 3 women. I find that in more conservative moments, singles in generally are not acceptable. All my religious friends had issues with people pestering them to get married. Something about a woman who is untamed, if you will, is a threat to them. But in secular society, I don't feel that pressure.

In a way, I kind of have to be single. Being romantic and sexual drains a lot of focus and energy from me. I wish I could do both and be happy, but all attempts have failed miserably. I find my life is much more balanced and my goals are much more easily attained when I'm not having sex and not romantically involved. Being single works for me.

 

[ambergirl]

I enjoy being single most days. The other days its hard. Not that I'm not content/happy with my life, but because I enjoy the companionship a relationship brings. Until that happens though, I'm really trying to focus on doing things that enrich my life. Does this attitude fill the desire I have to remarry? No, and I don't expect it to. However, life passes by so quickly. Why not be happy even though I am single? Why should a single woman sit around and have a pity party? Enjoy life. Plus, doing this makes her an even more attractive and interesting woman.

Girl you are all up in my head. Being single is just like being married. Some days you thank your lucky stars that you are in the situation you're in and other days you wonder how in da h*ll did I end up here.

Some days you cry tears of sadness because you don't have someone to share your life with and other days your heart bursts with joy with the experiences, freedom, sense of pride and self that being single allows you to develop.

Life is life. Everything has it's good and bad sides. And while most of us single chicks would prefer cuddling up to an Idris Elba or Gerard Butler look alike then sleep alone (at least I would!) most of us aren't dropping tears in our beer or putting our lives on hold or adopting every stray cat in the neighborhood. What I try to do is enjoy where ever I am this. very. day. Because that's all I'm guaranteed. And when you put your attention on living what the day has brought you to its fullest, the rest has a way of working itself out.

 

[originalone]

I have been single for a very long time and I forget how long until someone brings it up to me, honestly. I think everyone around me feels Im missing out and that they must do something quick to help my sad state of singless by playing match maker, and Im all for that but when you start making it a hobby to find me that "perfect" mate (and they are always off)we have a problem. I promise you I don't walk around in this said state of mind because Im single, so why are so many people trying to hook me up, it's hilarous to me like I have some sought of sickness. It's as if thier insecurities of being alone contradicts the peace I have with being single. I want companionship yes and Im I willing to wait for that one that is suitable for me, but until then Im going to keep living and being whole and working on me, contributing to someone elses life, just living.

 

[cinnespice]

Its not a bad thing. Sometimes it does get lonely and do want a boyfreind. And other times i look at other couples and a little person knocks on the inside of my head and screams "RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!!". I enjoy the single life sometimes means i have to answer to myself not some body who is annoying me....
Really I do have it mentioned that im single all the time.....currently my mom is praying for me.....I kid you not she tells me everyday
But when its the right time i know god with send someone for me. And i really dont' think being a black single female is disease (achoooo..i hope you didn't catch it). I wish some people would stop treating it as such.

 

[TayMac]

Single life has its ups and down like anything.

 

[jupitermoon]

Its not a bad thing. Sometimes it does get lonely and do want a boyfreind. And other times i look at other couples and a little person knocks on the inside of my head and screams "RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!!". I enjoy the single life sometimes means i have to answer to myself not some body who is annoying me....
Really I do have it mentioned that im single all the time.....currently my mom is praying for me.....I kid you not she tells me everyday
But when its the right time i know god with send someone for me. And i really dont' think being a black single female is disease (achoooo..i hope you didn't catch it). I wish some people would stop treating it as such.

^^^This is what I'm talking about. I wish the media would just stop already. I know I'm single, but the media and society constantly rubbing it my face doesn't help.

Remember a few years ago when Black women being obese/overweight was in the news, etc? We were all fat. Even though over half of all Americans are overweight or obese we were singled out. Now we are all single. I wonder what's next?

 

[Bunny77]

I know I'm not single now, but I hope I can comment... I was single (as in, not in a relationship) for the majority of my adult life.

I enjoyed being single during much of that time. There were a lot of things that I accomplished and I learned a lot about myself. I had a lot of fun too.

I remember even sitting around and thinking at certain points, "You know, I REALLY don't want a boyfriend right now!" And I meant it too! I certainly was not crying and weeping and wailing during many of those single years.

However, I think a time comes in which a person desires something different, and eventually, I reached this point...

I wouldn't say that being single is "bad" but it is not something I enjoy. I've spent many years being single and I have a strong desire for companionship. I think it about it a lot but try to not let it consume me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I think that there's a season for everything and if you know yourself well, you know when you're ready for a certain season to begin and another to end. I think those folks who've ALWAYS been in relationship after relationship should take some time to be single and enjoy focusing on themselves alone. It's such a freeing experience!!!

And then, for those who've always been single, or single more often than not, it's okay when that time comes when you decide you're ready to move into a different stage of life.


But no, I don't think being single is a bad thing at all.

I do think there is a much bigger issue though behind all the news stories about black women being single, but as expected, we (society) only talk about the superficial parts of that story and boil everything down to "having a man." When that's not really the reason that the issue is newsworthy at all...

 

[kayte]

Girl you are all up in my head. Being single is just like being married. Some days you thank your lucky stars that you are in the situation you're in and other days you wonder how in da h*ll did I end up here.

Some days you cry tears of sadness because you don't have someone to share your life with and other days your heart bursts with joy with the experiences, freedom, sense of pride and self that being single allows you to develop.

Life is life. Everything has it's good and bad sides. What I try to do is enjoy where ever I am this. very. day. Because that's all I'm guaranteed. And when you put your attention on living what the day has brought you to its fullest, the rest has a way of working itself out.

very well stated....

single or couple status = utopia or hell or limbo or as Ambergirl said LIFE
you will get a different answer AND a different reality depending on who you ask.

 

[qchelle]

Yes, shows like 20/20 and Dateline have covered this topic. Plus CNN made a show called "Black in America" and the single Black women was a topic covered. I also remember back in college reading in one of my sociology books about Black women have the highest percentage of singleness out of any other group.

I don't watch a lot of TV either, but the whole single Black women topic is everywhere; it's hard for me to miss it.

CNN, 20/20!? Really!? Jeez. glad I dont watch this stuff

 

[Dee Raven]

In general I love being single. I'm a pretty quirky, particular person, and it is so liberating to just be me and not have to worry about anyone else. A few years ago occasionally I would lament that most of my friends were in relationships but the truth is that while a lot of people are in a relationship, not a lot of people are in good ones. One thing that helped me to really enjoy being single was a book called Living alone and loving it. The best part that I took away from the book was giving value to all the other relationships in my life, even like little casual encounters you have with people at the grocery store or in the parking lot.

 

[Avaya]

Loneliness isn't an emotion I readily experience. I genuinely enjoy being by myself. If I were crushing on someone, I think I would feel the "pangs of singleness" more.

 

[locabouthair]

There's nothing wrong with it at all.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I'm not supposed to be in here but I just want to say that being married can definately have its drawbacks and I want to lick Avaya's siggy up one side and down the other.

 

[Renewed1]

I have been single for almost 3 (4) years now, by choice. I did whatever I wanted to do with my life. Now that I'm 33, I'm in a position where I want to get married and I'm passed the "being single and satisified" stage of my life. Mind you, I'm still going to live my life and travel and all. But I want to be ridiculously happily married.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Honestly, I don't think it's society. In my experience, it's really been other women. They tend to point out me being single much more than any man every has. Women are always asking when I'm going to get married and have babies. Men ask too, but it's generally one man for every 3 women. I find that in more conservative moments, singles in generally are not acceptable. All my religious friends had issues with people pestering them to get married. Something about a woman who is untamed, if you will, is a threat to them. But in secular society, I don't feel that pressure.

In a way, I kind of have to be single. Being romantic and sexual drains a lot of focus and energy from me. I wish I could do both and be happy, but all attempts have failed miserably. I find my life is much more balanced and my goals are much more easily attained when I'm not having sex and not romantically involved. Being single works for me.

One thanks was NOT enough.


I like being single. IN the past romantic involvements have also left me drained in a way that robbed me in other areas of my life. Being single and focusing on my needs has been WONDERFUL. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I have been single for a very long time and I forget how long until someone brings it up to me, honestly. I think everyone around me feels Im missing out and that they must do something quick to help my sad state of singless by playing match maker,

I have that problem. One friend even went so far as to say she "just wants to see me happy" when i told her to stop trying to find men for me. I asked her why I had to have a man in order to be happy. She didn't have a response.

 

[Syrah]

...It is THAT bad when you've got parents who are tapping their feet for some grandbabies.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

i won't lie. I like being single. I just like to come and go as I please and do what I want to do without answering to someone or "checking" on me. I see my friends relationships and to me it looks likes it sucks lol.

 

[LivingDol1]

being single isn't that bad. it has it's ups and downs like anything else.... married life isn't picture perfect either.

even though we are in the year 2010, society still sees a woman who is single and over 30 as a sad thing. women age.... and it's not looked well upon. men are still sought after after their "prime". it's not my reality or belief.... but such is the way of the world.

oh well. I'm enjoying being single. I'm not ready for marriage. I like spending time with my friends and family.... at my own choice. I don't have to make compromises. I like my alone time... this will work for me until I happen to come across a man who is worthy of my time and attention when I'm ready for him.

when you're happy with your life and confident in yourself and your situation is when others start to take notice of you. so, embrace it and enjoy it. the single life won't last forever!

 

[ambergirl]

Honestly, I don't think it's society. In my experience, it's really been other women. They tend to point out me being single much more than any man every has. Women are always asking when I'm going to get married and have babies. Men ask too, but it's generally one man for every 3 women. I find that in more conservative moments, singles in generally are not acceptable. All my religious friends had issues with people pestering them to get married. Something about a woman who is untamed, if you will, is a threat to them. But in secular society, I don't feel that pressure.

In a way, I kind of have to be single. Being romantic and sexual drains a lot of focus and energy from me. I wish I could do both and be happy, but all attempts have failed miserably. I find my life is much more balanced and my goals are much more easily attained when I'm not having sex and not romantically involved. Being single works for me.

The bolded is one of the few downsides to being a woman with lots of female friends. Now my girls are my girls and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world....BUT....I just find that women are notorious for making sure we all travel within the pack. So if they're married, they bug you about getting married and go on and on about how you're too picky. If they're forever single (or unhappily married) they dog out every man you bring around as not good enough. Of course I'm generalizing, but seriously we are our own worst enemy!

The only time I hear mess from men is from my friend's husbands and boyfriends. They're convinced that when their ladies go out with me I must be on the prowl and therefore exposing them to available men (i.e. cheating opportunities).