I'm Tired

[JinaRicci]

I am sick and tired: of people who act like me being single is a curse.

Like it's some sort of disease I had the misfortune to catch. I am single. So? And don't feel sorry for me-uh-uh because I love my life. Get used to it.

I know better now-I will take being single any day rather than the pain of being with the wrong person. Once I finally got to that point in my life, I said "Wow, peace of mind & happiness are so under-rated!"

 

[Duchesse]

I'm tired of these men who think it's okay to text me at 10:58pm "Whats up. What are you getting into tonight". Fool, it's 11pm, I have church in the morning, and you don't even have the decency to ask me out to brunch a few days in advance, or even giving me a call before attempting a late night "whatever".

I'm tired of thinking that something must be wrong with me, that I'm the one giving off vibes that make me seem easy to get one over one, or that I'm not serious.

I'm tired of meeting these men who only want arm candy. I'm tired of attractive Black men who think they are all that because they have a college degree and a job, and don't know how to wine and dine. I'm swearing off men under 35 who are cute.

 

[chocolat79]

I'm tired of these men sending mixed signals, not knowing what they want and if they do, don't have the balls to say it.

And ITA with the other posts. Thanx OP!

 

[Choclatcotton]

Anyone ever read this book? I kissed Dating Goodbye?

http://www.amazon.com/Kissed-Dating...358/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248664398&sr=8-1#
I dont agree with the doctrine but the basic idea is a good one

 

[Renewed1]

I'm tired of lusting after handsome movie stars. Because I can't find guys that have the physical appearance I desire.

I'm tired of living in States where the only I can meet a guy is on Match.com. Because guys are too shy to tell me that they like me.

I'm tired of thinking if I would lose 20 more pounds than I can get a date. Or if I look like this or that; I can get a date. Then I turn around and see women of all sizes and looks get engaged.

I'm tired of NOT having male friends.

I'm tired of going out with WOMEN (my friends/family) all the time.

I'm tired that "Christian" men still want you to have sex with them. I'm not doing it until I'm married......

I'm tired that I prefer white men and I can't get a white guy to be my friend; let alone ask me out.

I'm tired of seeing everyone around me living the life I so desire.

I just came to the realization that I haven't had a date in 4 years; because I spent that time GETTING OVER a bad 10-year relationship with a no good man.

I'm tired of not dating.

I'm tired.....I'm tired......of crying over my sad love life.

I'm tired of being unmarried.

I'm tired and going to bed.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm sorry for hijacking this thread again but...

I have a few questions for you all. Ask yourself this first and think about your answer for a while.

1. Do you TRULY believe, deep down inside, that you will find Mr. Right and that everything going on right now is all a part of the journey to him (and him to you)?
2. Are you mostly happy with your appearance?
3. Do you find yourself spending too much time on 'losers'?
4. Are you comfortable with the standards you have set?
5. Do you approach the dating world with a positive attitude?
6. Do you surround yourself with people who fit into what you're looking for, like your close friends?
7. Do you get upset and/or irritable when you go out and do not get approached by a decent man? Do you find it hard to enjoy a night out if meeting a man isn't part of the equation?
8. Do you get emotional at the sight of happy couples?

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
9. Are you okay with being alone? Do you have any interests or hobbies that take your mind off of dating at least temporarily?

You can keep your answer to yourself, or share it here. I'll come back and provide a 'followup' to the questions. Sometimes it takes a little self reflection to pinpoint the issue. All of you ladies WILL find someone, the journey is just rougher for some and not for others.

 

[Sapphire]

@ BroadstreetBully

I appreciate your effort in trying to help but I did not start this thread because I was seeking guidance into what I may or may not be doing wrong in the relationship/dating department. As I've said previously, I've made an effort this year, more than I have in prior years. I've done my research, read self-help books, tried to maintain a positive outlook despite all of the ups and downs. It simply has not gotten me anywhere and I am tired. I haven't given up, just have gotten FED UP. This thread was made for the sole purpose of allowing me and whoever else may need to vent out our frustrations. It has helped me in realizing I'm not alone and confirms my belief that I need to direct my energy towards other things at this time. Thanks again.

 

[Kiadodie]

@ BroadstreetBully

I appreciate your effort in trying to help but I did not start this thread because I was seeking guidance into what I may or may not be doing wrong in the relationship/dating department. As I've said previously, I've made an effort this year, more than I have in prior years. I've done my research, read self-help books, tried to maintain a positive outlook despite all of the ups and downs. It simply has not gotten me anywhere and I am tired. I haven't given up, just have gotten FED UP. This thread was made for the sole purpose of allowing me and whoever else may need to vent out our frustrations. It has helped me in realizing I'm not alone and confirms my belief that I need to direct my energy towards other things at this time. Thanks again.

No, you are not alone at all. I've been working on me from getting counseling, praying, trying to change "me", trying to figure out what's wrong w/ me, going to different places etc...only to be tired and fustrated all over again. So I feel you!

It's funny you posted this cause just the other night I was praying to GOd as to why he hasn't healed and changed me so that I may attract a wonderful guy into my life. ALL other areas in my life are going thru natural progression EXCEPT my relationships. I just dont' know anymore. I dont' have any answers to give you.

I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone and I totally understand.

 

[Lovelylife]

Guys just don't want to get married these days, back in the day even the bad guys wanted to get married. Now men just want sex.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Well...I appreciate your efforts to help...so, I guess I'll answer your questions. Couldn't hurt I guess. [I apologize in advance for the length ]

My answers will be in bold:

I'm sorry for hijacking this thread again but...

I have a few questions for you all. Ask yourself this first and think about your answer for a while.

1. Do you TRULY believe, deep down inside, that you will find Mr. Right and that everything going on right now is all a part of the journey to him (and him to you)?

--Some days I do, and some days I don't. It really depends on where I am on my PMS-schedule. lol! Some days I truly honestly believe that I will meet someone one day very soon. And OTHER days, I feel so helpless and down that I honestly DON'T see myself dating anyone or ever getting married. But I have tried to stop thinking this way, and have actually started telling people:"well, WHEN I get married (not if!) I will...." or "WHEN I have kids of my own, I will.....", or "I don't have a boyfriend YET, but....". I'm trying to cultivate the attitude of "not yet...but someday!" Instead of a "never" outlook.


2. Are you mostly happy with your appearance?

--Yeah pretty much. I have some hair goals that I want to accomplish, and a couple of pounds that I'm trying to lose, but for the most part, I LOVE the way I look, and I've kept up with my mani's and pedi's, gotten a new wardrobe, and I try to wear makeup everyday! So...yeah!


3. Do you find yourself spending too much time on 'losers'?

--I USED to spend time on losers, but not anymore. I'm still getting over a heartbreak...so that has caused things to slow down for me some in the "finding a man" department. But overall I can say that I have grown a LOT in the past month or two, and will NEVER settle for losers or fakers again!

4. Are you comfortable with the standards you have set?

--I'm not sure which "standards" you're talking about here. I'm not sure I understand this question.


5. Do you approach the dating world with a positive attitude?

--What do you mean? Are you talking about my attitude when I'm actually ON a date? Or my attitude about dating in general before actually having a date? Because honestly I haven't "dated" or been on a real "date" since...oh...last year maybe??


6. Do you surround yourself with people who fit into what you're looking for, like your close friends?

--Yeah, I'd say so. My close girl friends are cool people. None of them really try to hook me up though. Most of them (aside from a few exceptions) are in the same exact boat I'm in! lol! They're single, looking, and some of them tired of it as well.


7. Do you get upset and/or irritable when you go out and do not get approached by a decent man? Do you find it hard to enjoy a night out if meeting a man isn't part of the equation?

No, and no. I don't have to be approached by a man if I go out with my girlfriends. In fact, guys hitting on me are the furthest thing on my mind when I'm going out with my girls. And I can definitely enjoy a night out without meeting a man. The only time I get mad/frustrated is when I go to a "CO-ed" (lol) party, and there are more women there than men, and the women are dressed to the nines, and the guys are just sitting/standing around NOT approaching the women! That infuriates me to NO end! Like guys just "expect" the women to do most of the work these days! Puh-leeze! That's when I DO feel bad if a decent guy has not approached, or if I have not made a "connection" with anyone. Otherwise, I'm pretty cool.



8. Do you get emotional at the sight of happy couples?

--No. I'm honestly happy for my friends and my sister in relationships. BUT, I DO feel kind of sad when I'm invited by people who are all "coupled" up with somebody. I always feel so out of place, awkward, and like the 5th wheel or something. I like a mixture of singles and couples. That way I don't have to be constantly reminded of what I don't have. I also feel kind of down now that the guy I really wanted is in a relationship now, and that my closest girl friend is in one. But I know I'll get over it eventually.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
9. Are you okay with being alone? Do you have any interests or hobbies that take your mind off of dating at least temporarily?

--Yes, I DO have hobbies, and interests other than men. But am I "okay" with being alone? No. I honestly don't think so. I don't even think I could live alone. I need human interaction, and honestly...I don't think God intended for humans to be completely alone for the rest of their lives. Otherwise, he wouldn't have given Adam a "companion". I don't feel ashamed of the in-born desire that God put within me as a human woman to have companionship. That's just natural. But at the same token, if some people prefer to be alone, I'm not knocking that either. It just sucks when you actually WANT to be with someone decent, but it feels like you can't get that either. You can pretty much control being "alone". But I don't think you can control being with someone who is right for you. I just don't think it's all that fair.

I'm not sure exactly what that exercise was supposed to accomplish, because I don't really feel any better.

I guess I'm just sick and tired of the books, articles, friends, family members, etc. making it seem like it's always the "WOMAN's fault" if she doesn't have a man. Books claiming that if you don't have a man it's because: "You're too fat! You're too skinny! You're too nice! You're too B****Y! You're not attractive. You're TOO attractive! You don't have your life together. You have your life TOO much together! You're not into him enough. Oh wait a second.....you're TOO into him! You're too dependent and needy. You're not dependent on him at all! You're not independent. You're TOO independent!" Blah blah blah


I'm just so SICK and tired of it! "TRUE" love and relationships should NOT be this much hard work and analysis! I'm about to go throw all of those stupid relationship books that I have bought over the past few years into the trash!! Aside from maybe a COUPLE of books "enlightening" me to how guys think and how you should keep a level-head while dating, I would venture to say that most of those books have been a complete waste of my time. They haven't gotten me a lasting relationship yet! If anything, they have kept me anaylzing and over-evaluating every single little thing/detail so much that I have probably forgotten how to just be "myself" when meeting a new man that I'm interested in. Ugh...

No, you are not alone at all. I've been working on me from getting counseling, praying, trying to change "me", trying to figure out what's wrong w/ me, going to different places etc...only to be tired and fustrated all over again. So I feel you!

Same! Been there, done that!

It's funny you posted this cause just the other night I was praying to GOd as to why he hasn't healed and changed me so that I may attract a wonderful guy into my life. ALL other areas in my life are going thru natural progression EXCEPT my relationships. I just dont' know anymore. I dont' have any answers to give you.

I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone and I totally understand.

Are we living the same life?? Goodness... I just did the same thing a few nights ago. I always get so down/feel so helpless around that PMS time. So, I know I will probably feel better a couple of weeks from now...but still! It would at least be good to know that I have something in the works. Right now, I'm not even "talking" to anybody. I used to talk to guys all the time on the phone...even ones that I wasn't interested in. But when I realized that I didn't want to keep ending up with guys that I wasn't "into", and I wanted a REAL relationship, I basically stopped the "chit-chat" with the guys and stopped wasting my time!

 

[Kiadodie]

Are we living the same life?? Goodness... I just did the same thing a few nights ago. I always get so down/feel so helpless around that PMS time. So, I know I will probably feel better a couple of weeks from now...but still! It would at least be good to know that I have something in the works. Right now, I'm not even "talking" to anybody. I used to talk to guys all the time on the phone...even ones that I wasn't interested in. But when I realized that I didn't want to keep ending up with guys that I wasn't "into", and I wanted a REAL relationship, I basically stopped the "chit-chat" with the guys and stopped wasting my time!

Me either girl. I stopped wasting my time too. What's the point.

 

[Bunny77]

It's funny you posted this cause just the other night I was praying to GOd as to why he hasn't healed and changed me so that I may attract a wonderful guy into my life.

I know this is a vent thread, but I just wanted to say this.

My opinion is that you do NOT need to be "changed" to be in a good relationship. Although I am a proponent of working on oneself for the purpose of making good choices and being a healthy individual overall, I HATE HATE HATE this idea that's put out there that women have to meet this certain point of greatness in order to be "ready" to have a man.

Believe that you are fine just as you are, and don't feel that you need to pray to God to change you to have a man.

 

[heyfranz]

I know this is a vent thread, but I just wanted to say this.

My opinion is that you do NOT need to be "changed" to be in a good relationship. Although I am a proponent of working on oneself for the purpose of making good choices and being a healthy individual overall, I HATE HATE HATE this idea that's put out there that women have to meet this certain point of greatness in order to be "ready" to have a man.

Believe that you are fine just as you are, and don't feel that you need to pray to God to change you to have a man .

Exactly!!!

 

[Kiadodie]

I know this is a vent thread, but I just wanted to say this.

My opinion is that you do NOT need to be "changed" to be in a good relationship. Although I am a proponent of working on oneself for the purpose of making good choices and being a healthy individual overall, I HATE HATE HATE this idea that's put out there that women have to meet this certain point of greatness in order to be "ready" to have a man.

Believe that you are fine just as you are, and don't feel that you need to pray to God to change you to have a man.

Thanks Bunny but in all honesty, I have self acceptance issues that makes me drawn to emotionally unavailable men..that I do know. I am working on it but at the same time, I have to get the idea out of my head that I'm unable to get a man until my issue are gone.

 

[Kurlee]

I know this is a vent thread, but I just wanted to say this.

My opinion is that you do NOT need to be "changed" to be in a good relationship. Although I am a proponent of working on oneself for the purpose of making good choices and being a healthy individual overall, I HATE HATE HATE this idea that's put out there that women have to meet this certain point of greatness in order to be "ready" to have a man.

Believe that you are fine just as you are, and don't feel that you need to pray to God to change you to have a man.

and why do black women have to be so comfortable with being alone? I believe in being comfortable being by yourself sometimes, but what's wrong with wanting marriage and children? Companionship? I think the whole independent woman, i don't need a man matra is a sham.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks Bunny but in all honesty, I have self acceptance issues that makes me drawn to emotionally unavailable men..that I do know. I am working on it but at the same time, I have to get the idea out of my head that I'm unable to get a man until my issue are gone.

You sound very self-aware. I'm sure you're gonna be fine.

 

[Kiadodie]

You sound very self-aware. I'm sure you're gonna be fine.

Awww, thanks Bunny.

 

[Bunny77]

and why do black women have to be so comfortable with being alone? I believe in being comfortable being by yourself sometimes, but what's wrong with wanting marriage and children? Companionship? I think the whole independent woman, i don't need a man matra is a sham.

Yes, I am TIRED of that... being told to be comfortable being alone!

It's one thing to feel you always have to have a man... it's quite another to have a normal and healthy desire for a relationship, marriage and children like every other race of women on the planet!

So yes, I'm tired of feeling that I must learn to be comfortable with a status that I don't want and that I feel is unnatural for most of us!!!

 

[Kurlee]

Yes, I am TIRED of that... being told to be comfortable being alone!

It's one thing to feel you always have to have a man... it's quite another to have a normal and healthy desire for a relationship, marriage and children like every other race of women on the planet!

So yes, I'm tired of feeling that I must learn to be comfortable with a status that I don't want and that I feel is unnatural for most of us!!!

the thing is, I have had a few white friends and they run through men/women like you wouldn't believe. Most are married with kids by 25, so I wonder why black women are encouraged to "be independent and alone" at ages much later than 25. Is it a coping mechanism because of the slim pickings and the fact that black women are not given their fair due and are seen as cariacatures in comparison to "other" women?

 

[Bunny77]

the thing is, I have had a few white friends and they run through men/women like you wouldn't believe. Most are married with kids by 25, so I wonder why black women are encouraged to "be independent and alone" at ages much later than 25. Is it a coping mechanism because of the slim pickings and the fact that black women are not given their fair due and are seen as cariacatures in comparison to "other" women?

Hmmm... I think it's more of a coping mechanism to the slim pickings than anything... the ridiculous thing is that it's only black people (men and women) who talk about "learning" to be alone or "accepting" that you "might not get married."

My white and other non-black friends, however, usually offer me tips and advice about how to find the right man and they usually take the approach that if I hang on, I will eventually find someone. They NEVER suggest that I might just have to get used to being alone.

 

[Kurlee]

Hmmm... I think it's more of a coping mechanism to the slim pickings than anything... the ridiculous thing is that it's only black people (men and women) who talk about "learning" to be alone or "accepting" that you "might not get married."

My white and other non-black friends, however, usually offer me tips and advice about how to find the right man and they usually take the approach that if I hang on, I will eventually find someone. They NEVER suggest that I might just have to get used to being alone.

This has been my experience too. Although I am not single, my non-black friends definitely don't entertain the whole be alone, independent thing.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I know this is a vent thread, but I just wanted to say this.

My opinion is that you do NOT need to be "changed" to be in a good relationship. Although I am a proponent of working on oneself for the purpose of making good choices and being a healthy individual overall, I HATE HATE HATE this idea that's put out there that women have to meet this certain point of greatness in order to be "ready" to have a man.
Believe that you are fine just as you are, and don't feel that you need to pray to God to change you to have a man.

Thank you!! Why do these books always assume that it's the WOMAN who has to "change" in order to "catch a man"? Why not the men?? lol*
I have to work on not feeling like I have to change something about myself in order to get a man because honestly...some of the friends I have who are in relationships have not changed a single solitary thing. One girl friend of mine is the same as she always was...the ONLY thing I think she changed was her outlook on life. She was down, depressed all the time, and everything in her life was misery. She had a habit of chasing after guys who were not into her, or who weren't serious about having a relationship with her. When she eventually changed her outlook, and finally took my advice to STOP calling guys who didn't call her or want to date her, all of a sudden...she found her man!

and why do black women have to be so comfortable with being alone? I believe in being comfortable being by yourself sometimes, but what's wrong with wanting marriage and children? Companionship? I think the whole independent woman, i don't need a man matra is a sham.

Thank you??!!? Why do "we" have to be comfortable with being alone? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a MAN! Yeah...there...I said it! So shoot me!

Sad to say....I think it's the "I don't need a man" mantra that precisely keeps many women NOT having a man.

 

[Sapphire]

Thanks Crystalicequeen123 for expressing what I did not have the energy to say. I totally agree with everything you said in response to the questions that were posted. In fact, its almost like I wrote them myself. I don't mind if this vent thread goes off topic, as long as its a healthy debate and NOT analyzing what what we are doing wrong because obviously that's not what we need!

 

[jupitermoon]

I'm tired that I prefer white men and I can't get a white guy to be my friend; let alone ask me out.

I'm tired of seeing everyone around me living the life I so desire.

I feel the same. I like men of all races. I'm not one of those black women that are waiting for black men, but white guys don't approach me either.

I see so many posts on the Internet encouraging black women to date out, but how? I'm around white people alot and rarely do white guys take an interest in black women. I've shown interest in white guys and it didn't work. The few white guys that have approached me were old or weren't interested in a serious relationship just like the black guys. erplexed

Why do so many men have such an aversion towards black women? Most of us don't fit the stereotypes.

 

[jupitermoon]

and why do black women have to be so comfortable with being alone? I believe in being comfortable being by yourself sometimes, but what's wrong with wanting marriage and children? Companionship? I think the whole independent woman, i don't need a man matra is a sham.

It's like we're the only group of women being encouraged to be alone and "work on ourselves", "find other outlets", and "focus on our careers". I think people need each other. It's only natural to want a companion. I'm willing to bet most women want a husband and perhaps a least one child.

I have my career together, hobbies, and a social life. I'm just missing the husband and kids...

 

[Kurlee]

I feel the same. I like men of all races. I'm not one of those black women that are waiting for black men, but white guys don't approach me either.

I see so many posts on the Internet encouraging black women to date out, but how? I'm around white people alot and rarely do white guys take an interest in black women. I've shown interest in white guys and it didn't work. The few white guys that have approached me were old or weren't interested in a serious relationship just like the black guys. erplexed

Why do so many men have such an aversion towards black women? Most of us don't fit the stereotypes.

As much as I DO NOT believe this school of thought, I think black women are the least desired group when it comes to pairing up. I totally disagree with this because there are so many black women who are beautiful, have great personalities and have their stuff together but the stereotypes and fear precede us.

Most assume we are"ghetto", promiscuous, bald headed or "difficult". This is so not true, but most will not take the time to find that out. Yes there are a few "other" men who will couple up and black men too, but for the most part when I hear men talk about black women, it's just stereotypes and disrespectful and it hurts my heart because it is so wrong. The more black guy friends I have, as soon as they get comfortable they get into the black women bashing and about wanting a becky or a Lolita or a mixed girl so the kids can have nice hair and their friends will approve. Needless to say, I cut them off with the quickness. I'm just so over people beating up on black women because while some of us do have issues, we all don't share a brain. We have our own unique identities like everyone else.

 

[Duchesse]

It's like we're the only group of women being encouraged to be alone and "work on ourselves", "find other outlets", and "focus on our careers". I think people need each other. It's only natural to want a companion. I'm willing to bet most women want a husband and perhaps a least one child.

I have my career together, hobbies, and a social life. I'm just missing the husband and kids...

Thank you!!! I have no idea why this is soooooo pressed into our heads. "Girl, just do you! Focus on your career, get you some menzes and some money, have fun, these nuccas aint't anything anyways".

Somewhere along the line we have adopted the mentality that we should just focus on getting ourselves together, that way when he comes along, or better yet when he doesn't because he doesn't exist, we will be okay and "together".

I have never witnessed the encouragement of singledom being stressed to women of other races.

I'm tired of hearing that I need to focus on being such an independant woman all the time. There is nothing wrong with desiring and needing a husband!

 

[Renewed1]

Yes, I am TIRED of that... being told to be comfortable being alone!

It's one thing to feel you always have to have a man... it's quite another to have a normal and healthy desire for a relationship, marriage and children like every other race of women on the planet!

So yes, I'm tired of feeling that I must learn to be comfortable with a status that I don't want and that I feel is unnatural for most of us!!!

AMEN AMEN!!! I'm tired of hearing preachers, married folk and ugly folk. Tell me that I SHOULD be comfortable being alone.

Instead of telling me; this is how you prepare yourself for marriage/family WHILE you're living your single life. Or tell me how to avoid unhealthy relationships or tell me how to keep my EMOTIONS in check while I date.

Or Tell me how a single person should date and live their single life until Mr. Right comes along.

Tell me stuff like that. Not be comfortable single and don't contribute anything else to that statement.

 

[Renewed1]

I think black women are the least desired group when it comes to pairing up. I totally disagree with this because there are so many black women who are beautiful, have great personalities and have their stuff together but the stereotypes and fear precede us.

The reason why I think we are the least desired group is due to our black men. More often than not, black men will bash black women to each other and other races.

Black men made it quite clear, publicly, that black woman are not desireable for companionship (just for sex). Additionally, when you have a black man like Kobe or whomever is considered a role model, purposely (IMO) marrying outside of their race to a white trophy wife. Other black men see that and want the same thing.

That's why, when I hear that more black woman are going to college and making more money then the black man. I'm happy, because it shows other races, that majority of us do not have a "ghetto" mindset. We are a force to be reckon with; like our white, asian, and latina counterparts.

I'm not saying all black man, but they do have something to do with it.

 

[Kurlee]

The reason why I think we are the least desired group is due to our black men. More often than not, black men will bash black women to each other and other races.

Black men made it quite clear, publicly, that black woman are not desireable for companionship (just for sex). Additionally, when you have a black man like Kobe or whomever is considered a role model, purposely (IMO) marrying outside of their race to a white trophy wife. Other black men see that and want the same thing.

That's why, when I hear that more black woman are going to college and making more money then the black man. I'm happy, because it shows other races, that majority of us do not have a "ghetto" mindset. We are a force to be reckon with; like our white, asian, and latina counterparts.

I'm not saying all black man, but they do have something to do with it.