I'm Tired of Crushing...

C

chokolate miss

New Member
Okay, I think having crushes are fun...But they can get old don't ya think, LOL!?

I have a crush on one of my classmates. I'm in graduate school.

I think that he is so attractive and we click on so many levels. However, I don't even know if he is attracted to me, if he has a SO, or anything else that would help me out.

I want to ask him questions to get those answers, but I don't want him to start thinking that I'm feeling him, even though I am. But at the same time I want to tell him just to see what he says...:wallbash:

I am confused. He's white BTW. I believe that is one of the reasons why I've been holding back.

Have any of you ladies been in a similar situation? What do you do? I know some women are forward and just come out with it! But I am very shy and would be totally embarrassed if he rejects me. That's why I LOVE crushes! You can live a fantasy, but I'm ready for the real thing!
 
Do you have mutual friends that you can ask these questions to?

Also... please don't withhold yourself from a potential love interest just because he's White. I totally feel you on that one and I'm trying to expand my horizons (even as I dream of a chocolate knight in shining armor. Sigh)....
 
This would be a great
opportunity to Facebook
stalk him...
* I have a crush to HE IS PERFECT
in my eyes, but attends MIT...
too afraid to even write on
his FB wall*
 
Invite him out to coffee (or something short & sweet). Have a friendly conversation about life in general. If he's interested in you, he'll ask you out.
 
^^^ ITA with Changed. At time, you can see where his head is at and so fourth.

I have a CRUSH myself and i have no clue how to approach my crush. so i hope this thread help me get enough balls to approach sometime this year.
 
I have a crush....its the most frustrating thing in the world!!!!

Im past FB stalking and other means, been there and done that. I may drop a hint and call it a day...
 
Once Upon a time I read how to multi-quote, but I forgot!!!

But thanks ladies. I really really like him. We are already FB friends and we message back and forth once in a while.

However, I never know where to take it...so when it gets to the point that I should say something of importance, I'll end with "Okay see you in class!" Bad, I know.

I don't know how to explain my apprehension with his "whiteness". He is totally cool, that's not what I mean by that. It's just that I'm used to black males so I know what to pick up on with them. But men are probably just men, so I should relax and lighten up.

I think next class we have I'll try and see if he wants to grab lunch or coffee. I'm sitting here thinking about it and getting nervous, so I don't know if I'll have the courage to do that. Hmm, I'm planning my outfit for class...

I see that there is another post "How do you know if a guy likes you". I need to mosey on over in there!!
 
Changed said:
Invite him out to coffee (or something short & sweet). Have a friendly conversation about life in general. If he's interested in you, he'll ask you out.
Click to expand...

Ok, so he did ask me if I wanted to go and grab a bite one day. But I had another class and I could not go. He never asked me again:ohwell:

However, it was with him and another girl from our program. So even if I could have gone I was like "Bleh" in my mind.

My cousin says that he is out of my league. I asked her why because he's white? She told me that is wasn't that. She basically said that she did not think he would date a person like me (read black). I probed her further and she had no explanation. It kinda made me feel like crap.

So that is what made me not want to approach him. I have a fear of rejection and it will be worse having to see him in classes for the next year.
I don't know
 
Skiggle said:
This would be a great
opportunity to Facebook
stalk him...
* I have a crush to HE IS PERFECT
in my eyes, but attends MIT...
too afraid to even write on
his FB wall*
Click to expand...

Alright, last one, LOL!

Why is MIT a "but"?! Girl you had better get him... You don't have to write on his wall just send him a message.
 
My last crush and I made it to FB friends. . .at his request. We exchanged a few messages. He revealed some personal stuff. Then. . .he did nothing else. After that, I made a decision: NO MORE CRUSHES. I don't think they are healthy for me. I can get really wrapped up in liking a guy and I just don't like the feeling, especially if it's unrequited and not openly reciprocated. I am just getting out of the clutches of this last crush. I just can't spend time and mental energy liking guys who haven't really shown me that they're worth that kind of time! :yep:
 
chokolate miss said:
Ok, so he did ask me if I wanted to go and grab a bite one day. But I had another class and I could not go. He never asked me again:ohwell:

However, it was with him and another girl from our program. So even if I could have gone I was like "Bleh" in my mind.

My cousin says that he is out of my league. I asked her why because he's white? She told me that is wasn't that. She basically said that she did not think he would date a person like me (read black). I probed her further and she had no explanation. It kinda made me feel like crap.

So that is what made me not want to approach him. I have a fear of rejection and it will be worse having to see him in classes for the next year.
I don't know
Click to expand...

Don't approach him. No offense, but approaching guys is not for the shy and timid, but for the supremely self-confident.

Try to move on. If he is interested in you, he'll find a way to let you know.
 
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Be very very cautious. Remember that white men have a difference culture than black men. They can hate you and still be very polite towards you.
 
chokolate miss said:
Okay, I think having crushes are fun...But they can get old don't ya think, LOL!?

I have a crush on one of my classmates. I'm in graduate school.

I think that he is so attractive and we click on so many levels. However, I don't even know if he is attracted to me, if he has a SO, or anything else that would help me out.

I want to ask him questions to get those answers, but I don't want him to start thinking that I'm feeling him, even though I am. But at the same time I want to tell him just to see what he says...:wallbash:

I am confused. He's white BTW. I believe that is one of the reasons why I've been holding back.
Have any of you ladies been in a similar situation? What do you do? I know some women are forward and just come out with it! But I am very shy and would be totally embarrassed if he rejects me. That's why I LOVE crushes! You can live a fantasy, but I'm ready for the real thing!
Click to expand...

ETA: race can be a big deal, esp if it's a new thing. And I don't want to minimize that for some guys, it could be an "issue."

I've been there and done that in terms of rationalizing stuff in my mind. HOWEVER, if he's a man and he likes you enough and he wants to ask you out, nothing will stop him from doing it. :yep:
 
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Yeah, I thought that too. That if he liked me he would have approached me already.

Then, I thought "well I like him and I don't think he would have ever known it". But he is also a man, so I agree that he should do the approaching.

I don't think I'll act on it, because I'm not ready for the "You are a really nice person" talk...

I do not think that he is phony in any sort of way. The program is a decent size and he does not have to say one word to me if he does't want to. There are people in the program that I have had multiple classes with and I don't even know their names.

So, the fact that he goes out of his way to speak and check on me lets me know that he likes me...as a person that is. I just don't think we are on that romantic level with each other. But sometimes I just that vibe. And then again, I'm probably reading too much into his actions.

I was just hoping that maybe he was a little intimidated...not that I am in any way intimidating though:rolleyes:

Que lastima, what's a girl to do? Move on I guess...
 
chokolate miss said:
Yeah, I thought that too. That if he liked me he would have approached me already.

Then, I thought "well I like him and I don't think he would have ever known it". But he is also a man, so I agree that he should do the approaching.

I don't think I'll act on it, because I'm not ready for the "You are a really nice person" talk...

I do not think that he is phony in any sort of way. The program is a decent size and he does not have to say one word to me if he does't want to. There are people in the program that I have had multiple classes with and I don't even know their names.

So, the fact that he goes out of his way to speak and check on me lets me know that he likes me...as a person that is. I just don't think we are on that romantic level with each other. But sometimes I just that vibe. And then again, I'm probably reading too much into his actions.
I was just hoping that maybe he was a little intimidated...not that I am in any way intimidating though:rolleyes:

Que lastima, what's a girl to do? Move on I guess...
Click to expand...

My friend says all men respond to cues. Just continue being nice. I don't think that "tension" between two people can be imagined. You know when someone likes you. You know when there's something between you and another person. However, what I've learned is that just because someone likes you doesn't mean he will make a move for whatever reason.

But just KNOW that you deserve a guy who is going to make that move. And if it's not your current crush, it's simply his loss. :yep:
 
Belle Du Jour said:
My last crush and I made it to FB friends. . .at his request. We exchanged a few messages. He revealed some personal stuff. Then. . .he did nothing else. After that, I made a decision: NO MORE CRUSHES. I don't think they are healthy for me. I can get really wrapped up in liking a guy and I just don't like the feeling, especially if it's unrequited and not openly reciprocated. I am just getting out of the clutches of this last crush. I just can't spend time and mental energy liking guys who haven't really shown me that they're worth that kind of time! :yep:
Click to expand...

You know I feel ya on that one!

Crushes are fine to a point... but you have to mentally move on if the guy isn't doing anything on his end to push things forward.
 
I've only dated 1 black guy my entire life. I think white guys are easy to read. If you two facebook message back and forth then that's a sign he at least thinks of you as a friend! He wouldn't facebook message you if he didn't like you on SOME type of level.

I personally would ask him if he would like to study sometime at Barnes & Noble, University's library... a public location. I feel like a lot of white guys are clueless if you don't make the first step. If they've never been in an interracial relationship before, a lot of times they doubt that an attractive black female would be interested in them.

He is SO into you if he teases you (with a smirk or smile on his face) about stupid things... like the way you pronounce a word/accent (if you have one), a "blonde moment," etc... but negative comments about your style, grades, hometown, etc... no no :nono: Touching is a huge sign as well. And eye contact.... if he's willing to hold eye contact for a long time in a conversation with out looking away. I noticed that a guy is interested if puts effort into getting to know you. Like asks you questions after you as him questions.

I wouldn't just write him off. You'll always wonder what if and a lot of times guys are oblivious anyways... especially when buried in work. I love it that more people are interracial dating :) it gets me so excited! if i can think of anymore advice i'll post again... good luck and keep us updated!
 
somehow, u need to keep your cool and be really friendly with him and around him. make jokes, laugh, be really friendly, etc...
about the "if he's already your friend, he would've made a move by now"...arent there loads of relationships where the feelings/emotions grew? like, ppl were friends first and then they started to like the person in that way? it happens. dont give up just because has hasnt made a move yet. he could also be thinking the same way you feel with respect to different races "she not interested in me cuz i'm not black" which would not make him do anything. not everyone is super confident and bypasses certain factors on a case of "i will do what i want".

girl, ask a small question like "so where do you normally go for lunch?" and if he says a place, ask him if it's any good and that you wouldnt mind trying from there...something along those lines.

i know how you feel. crushes are great in the beginning until they reach a pt of annoyance and you feel so relieved when you finally get over them. lol. i have been like that in the past. but now i've built up my confidence and i sometimes do what i gotta do. i just have to keep reminding myself that patience is a virtue!!!
 
PeonyBella said:
somehow, u need to keep your cool and be really friendly with him and around him. make jokes, laugh, be really friendly, etc...
about the "if he's already your friend, he would've made a move by now"...arent there loads of relationships where the feelings/emotions grew? like, ppl were friends first and then they started to like the person in that way? it happens. dont give up just because has hasnt made a move yet. he could also be thinking the same way you feel with respect to different races "she not interested in me cuz i'm not black" which would not make him do anything. not everyone is super confident and bypasses certain factors on a case of "i will do what i want".

girl, ask a small question like "so where do you normally go for lunch?" and if he says a place, ask him if it's any good and that you wouldnt mind trying from there...something along those lines.

i know how you feel. crushes are great in the beginning until they reach a pt of annoyance and you feel so relieved when you finally get over them. lol. i have been like that in the past. but now i've built up my confidence and i sometimes do what i gotta do. i just have to keep reminding myself that patience is a virtue!!!
Click to expand...

ITA! Great advice Peony :yep:
 
What do you have to loose? You know you got it going on. If he isn't interested? There will be several others to take you up on the offer he passes up. Your attractive and educated girl quit tripping and ask white choclate out.
 
Lovelylife said:
I can't explain and I really don't want to because I want her to be confident...I just know some stuff.:look:
Click to expand...

Well, I'll just say this.

I'm not naive in that I don't think that race can indeed be a factor in some of these situations. I also don't put it past some white men to do the "well, I don't like black people, but you're okay and I don't really think of you as black," thing.

At the same time, I think there's a danger in over-scrutinizing the motives of a non-black man, when we in turn UNDERscrutinize the motives of black men out of "familiarity." Maybe if more black women used the same levels of scrutiny on black men as they did on men of other races, they'd end up with higher quality black men in the long run.

Anyway, this is getting away from the thread... I'd just tell the OP and any others to always keep their eyes open dealing with men and to be aware of possible cultural clashes, but not to be so overconcerned about a man being white or non-black in general that they miss out on a really good guy.
 
If he's into you, he'll ask you out.

I've dated quite a few white men and if they liked me, they went that extra mile. Of course black men are much more forward with their interests and white men tend to be more subtle, but he has had ample opportunity to ask you out.

I've been in this situation many times (with black/white/whatever guys), we talk, joke around, and hit it off, but he hasn't asked me out yet. I decide to step up and make the first move. It rarely ends well. I end up feeling odd because I could have sworn he liked me, but it turns out he was just being friendly. In the meanwhile, he has no problem pursuing that girl he really likes.

He might like you, but take it from me--I feel more confident when a guy has gone the extra mile to ask me out. There's something about the thought of a guy conquering his shyness to ask me out that's such an ego boost.
 
PeonyBella said:
somehow, u need to keep your cool and be really friendly with him and around him. make jokes, laugh, be really friendly, etc...
about the "if he's already your friend, he would've made a move by now"...arent there loads of relationships where the feelings/emotions grew? like, ppl were friends first and then they started to like the person in that way? it happens. dont give up just because has hasnt made a move yet. he could also be thinking the same way you feel with respect to different races "she not interested in me cuz i'm not black" which would not make him do anything. not everyone is super confident and bypasses certain factors on a case of "i will do what i want".
Click to expand...
Nobody's saying that can't possibly happen. The point is that it hasn't happened YET, and it's not because he's shy.
 
Bunny77 said:
Well, I'll just say this.

I'm not naive in that I don't think that race can indeed be a factor in some of these situations. I also don't put it past some white men to do the "well, I don't like black people, but you're okay and I don't really think of you as black," thing.

At the same time, I think there's a danger in over-scrutinizing the motives of a non-black man, when we in turn UNDERscrutinize the motives of black men out of "familiarity." Maybe if more black women used the same levels of scrutiny on black men as they did on men of other races, they'd end up with higher quality black men in the long run.

Anyway, this is getting away from the thread... I'd just tell the OP and any others to always keep their eyes open dealing with men and to be aware of possible cultural clashes, but not to be so overconcerned about a man being white or non-black in general that they miss out on a really good guy.
Click to expand...
I understand what you are saying.
I use a lot of scrutiny, ALOT of scrutiny with black men also.
 
Lovelylife said:
I can't explain and I really don't want to because I want her to be confident...I just know some stuff.:look:
Click to expand...
In this case I would ask you to use words like "in my experience" etc and to tell what encounter led you to this conclusion. I have never had this experience and never had this be true (not that it could not be so)...so yeah
 
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