I'm so sad and need advice

[IMFOCSD]

I met this wonderful man back in April and we have been seeing each other everyday since then. He is so smart, funny, loving, caring, generous and he treats me so good. We live in Cleveland, OH and there is not much opportunity here. He had been talking about going to visit his father in Dallas, Texas and was not sure if he was going to stay or not. He left Friday evening and I miss him so much. I cry every time I think about him. Friday before he left I let him use my car while I was at work to take care of his business and say good bye to his family. He came up to my job on my lunch brake and we talked and cried together. I did not think him leaving would hurt me so bad but it does and he feels the same way. It took him 28 hrs to get to Texas and he called me every chance he got. He called my on someones phone and began crying and telling me how good of a woman I was and how no woman has ever been there for him like me. He wants me to move to Texas with him once he gets his self together. Me and him are so close we went everywhere together and did everything together everyday he was here in Cleveland. I have 3 kids and he has 2 kids here in Cleveland. I have been wanting to leave Cleveland for a while. Things are not looking up here and I just want a better life for me and my kids. He is a very ambitious and determined person who is not afraid to take chances to get to the top. He told me that he is making this move to get his self together for him and his daughters as well as me and my kids. He wants us all to be together as a family and he wants to be able to take care of all of us the way a man is supposed to. I love his daughters and he loves my kids and has done so much for them and with them. When their father did not want to step up and do his part as far as watching them and picking them up from daycare or taking them to daycare my man was there to help me out. When me and my kids were hungry he took care of us. I am seriously thinking about moving to Texas. If things don't work out (which i'm sure they will) I can always move back to Cleveland. So the plan is to start looking for a place in Texas around income tax time. The only thing is my oldest son is so attached to his father and it will be extremely hard for him. There father is a different story he is mean, selfish, disrespectful towards me and he does not help me out with my kids like he should. He is not working or going to school...he is really not doing anything constructive with his life. My youngest two kids really don't care either way they are 2 and 6. My oldest is seven and he is such a daddy's boy. There were so many times I had to listen to him cry because his father told him he was going to come and get him and never showed up or my son would call him asking to see him and he said no...things like that.

Anyway I'm about to stop ranting. I just love my man so much and I miss him like crazy. I think us 2 together can make really good moves for each other and our kids. We have so much in common as far as determination, drive and motivation. He actually pushes me to take that extra step to get things done. He is a good man and person and I want us to be together and make things happen.

Thanks so much for listening everyone.

 

[RadiantBeauty]

Girl! Go to Texas and be with your man! Also, you need to go where there is better opportunity for you and your family.

 

[Evolution76]

I say go!!! It sounds like you two really care about each other and we all know (Akronite, here) there's not much opportunity in NE Ohio right now. If you go and things don't work out -but I hope they will- you can always come back. Best wishes to you!

 

[BrooklynSouth]

I say go because you sound as though you are ready for the move but look into what it means living in Texas first to see if that's really where you want to be.

 

[tiara76]

Why are you sad exactly...?? sounds like this may the opportunity to embark on a whole new life and great changes...hopefully you will be able to work out a situation with the father of your children, but if he is unwilling to be a part of his kids lives you can't stop your son from loving him and you can't make the dad act any different than he is acting if he doesn't want to... you will have to make moves that are beneficial to you and your kids and help your son understand whats goin on (without making the father seem like a bad guy, just not in the right place to be the man or father his son needs right now)

it can be a scary situation this sort of change...but no need for it to be a sad one...and missing somebody is no reason to be sad either...sadness is a sign of feeling unloved or feeling like a part of you is missing for real..if your hearts are connected distance and being apart doesn't mean anything and only makes the love stronger if the love is really there

 

[IMFOCSD]

Thanks for the responses, support and advice. I am getting a lil excited but I am going to miss my fam here in cleveland. My mom, Father, sis, brothers and my friends but I am going to make it a priority to visit as often as possible.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Why are you sad exactly...?? sounds like this may the opportunity to embark on a whole new life and great changes...hopefully you will be able to work out a situation with the father of your children, but if he is unwilling to be a part of his kids lives you can't stop your son from loving him and you can't make the dad act any different than he is acting if he doesn't want to... you will have to make moves that are beneficial to you and your kids and help your son understand whats goin on (without making the father seem like a bad guy, just not in the right place to be the man or father his son needs right now)

it can be a scary situation this sort of change...but no need for it to be a sad one...and missing somebody is no reason to be sad either...sadness is a sign of feeling unloved or feeling like a part of you is missing for real..if your hearts are connected distance and being apart doesn't mean anything and only makes the love stronger if the love is really there

Thank you tiara76,
You are so right and I am looking forward to starting a new and better life in a new place with someone who truly loves me and my kids and treats me with so much respect. He just called me and him and his father were giving me websites I can look on to find a job in the field that I am in which is dental assisting an I love it...I plan on going to dental school to become a dentist myself one day. My kid's father has finally crawled out of his shell and has been spending more time with his kids and his new girlfriend together. He was holding a lot of animosity towards me for not taking him back but I met a man who showed me how a woman should be treated.

 

[varaneka]

Normally, I would say wait till you're married, and I STILL really want to say that lol, but if Ohio TRULY is not a fruitful place for you, then I say move period. Not just to TX but to wherever God leads you. I just think you should check to make sure there aren't any surprises waiting for you in TX that he may have not discussed. I'm not a believer in living together before marriage either. Pray on it.

 

[Jade Feria]

I say go. He sounds like a great man, and he seems to be the best option for you and your kids. Also since there's not much going on in OH in terms of prospects, you would probably be better off moving anyway. Your eldest son will be fine. Of course he won't like it at first, but that's normal. What's the advantage of you staying in Ohio, really?

 

[IMFOCSD]

Normally, I would say wait till you're married, and I STILL really want to say that lol, but if Ohio TRULY is not a fruitful place for you, then I say move period. Not just to TX but to wherever God leads you. I just think you should check to make sure there aren't any surprises waiting for you in TX that he may have not discussed. I'm not a believer in living together before marriage either. Pray on it.

Thanks for the advice creolesugarface. You have a good point. We have been discussing marriage and our future together. One thing about us is that we always have long discussions about our plans. We have great communication.

 

[IMFOCSD]

I say go. He sounds like a great man, and he seems to be the best option for you and your kids. Also since there's not much going on in OH in terms of prospects, you would probably be better off moving anyway. Your eldest son will be fine. Of course he won't like it at first, but that's normal. What's the advantage of you staying in Ohio, really?

More great advice. You have made a good point.thanks alot

 

[varaneka]

Thanks for the advice creolesugarface. You have a good point. We have been discussing marriage and our future together. One thing about us is that we always have long discussions about our plans. We have great communication.

great! gooooin to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaarried

lol

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

I think it's wonderful that you and he have such a loving relationship, and that he wants to take care of you as a family. Couple of practical suggestions. Since he has just moved, let him and his kids get settled. Once he gets settled down there and into his job, do a "scouting" trip, without your kids. Stay with him for a few days, see how things are, see what job opportunities are like, and what schools are like. Best to get the lay of the land before you uproot your family. If things are positive, talk to your kids about it. Maybe another, shorter trip with them before you move. I would definitely want to have schools and a job in sight. As good as his intentions are, your kids are your family and your responsibility.

 

[TayMac]

I don't know but it's good you are taking time to really think it through! I'm not too quick to say yes since there isn't a proposal on the table. Best of luck to you. I believe in doing what's in the best interest of the family as a whole and YOU decide what that is.

 

[IMFOCSD]

great! gooooin to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaarried

lol

u r so silly...

 

[IMFOCSD]

I think it's wonderful that you and he have such a loving relationship, and that he wants to take care of you as a family. Couple of practical suggestions. Since he has just moved, let him and his kids get settled. Once he gets settled down there and into his job, do a "scouting" trip, without your kids. Stay with him for a few days, see how things are, see what job opportunities are like, and what schools are like. Best to get the lay of the land before you uproot your family. If things are positive, talk to your kids about it. Maybe another, shorter trip with them before you move. I would definitely want to have schools and a job in sight. As good as his intentions are, your kids are your family and your responsibility.

Hi suburbanbushbabe,
You are absolutely right and I totally agree with the bolded. His daughters are still here in Cleveland with their mothers but he plans on bringing them down once he gets things together. Me, him and his father have already looked for jobs online for me and the opportunities are great. I will do more research on schools once I make a trip down there which will be in a couple weeks. I am going to stay for about 3 days.

 

[Southern Belle]

TEJAS!

Junior will be ALLLLLLright! Besides, kids are incredibly resilient, and he will have a positive male influence in his life down there. He can still see his dad during summer break, spring break, Christmas break. He's not leaving the PLANET - only the state.

 

[IMFOCSD]

TEJAS!

Junior will be ALLLLLLright! Besides, kids are incredibly resilient, and he will have a positive male influence in his life down there. He can still see his dad during summer break, spring break, Christmas break. He's not leaving the PLANET - only the state.

Thank you for the advice I totally agree.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I say Go and start your life there. BUT you have no business co-habitating with this man. Only because it is such a large move for your kids, so they will need their space so they can be well adjusted. for them to move AND for them to have to live with this new man and his kids would likely be too much and very traumatic for them. they need stability, and their own place at least until he's talkin about marriage. good luck!

 

[mswoman]

Texas is a great place to live! It is a very nice place to raise a family and is thriving. You may wan tot make a plan to live on your own until ya'll get married. Talk to your son about the situation, one thing is you may not want to give your ex too much information about whne you are moving because he can request for the court to keep you all in town due to custody.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Texas is a great place to live! It is a very nice place to raise a family and is thriving. You may wan tot make a plan to live on your own until ya'll get married. Talk to your son about the situation, one thing is you may not want to give your ex too much information about whne you are moving because he can request for the court to keep you all in town due to custody.

thanks for the response, everyone who has spoken about marriage is right. He is planning on sending me an engagement ring before i move down which will be around november. i want to go visit him within the next few weeks but he told me he does not think that is a good idea because he needs to stay focused and it would hurt us all over again for me to leave after just a few days. He feels that he needs to get himself together first, learn about the city and have himself astablished enought to make me feel comfortable when I do come . I am very proud of him. He is a strong man mentally and he helps me remain strong throughout this situation.

 

[ThickHair]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter. You just met him in April, that is only 4 months. While you may like him, I don't think 4 months is long enough to get to know a person. Of course he seems like a prince since your children's father wasn't taking care of business.

Personally I would give it a year and if he still feels the same, then make that move. Change is good but I think you are moving too fast. I would say the same thing even if children weren't involved.

Good luck on whatever decision you make. I wish you the best.

ETA: I have gone back and read the other post that you have started and lets just say I am really SMH. I really REALLY wish you the best.

 

[poetist]

A few questions:

1) Does this guy have a car? You said you let him use yours to run a few errands.
2) Does he have a phone? You said he called you on someone elses phone while he was travelling to Texas.

While things may be hard in Ohio, a man who has 2 kids but no phone or car would worry me. I definitely wouldn't consider moving until he was able to acquire basic necessities - a car and phone being on that list.

 

[coconow2007]

I usually try not to give advice because I am not the best at it nor am I perfect- but if he loves you and you love him why not do it right. Plan to be with him but before you live with him marry him. You have little eyes watching you so seal the deal before uprooting your life and your kids life.
Just my thoughts....

 

[msa]

thanks for the response, everyone who has spoken about marriage is right. He is planning on sending me an engagement ring before i move down which will be around november. i want to go visit him within the next few weeks but he told me he does not think that is a good idea because he needs to stay focused and it would hurt us all over again for me to leave after just a few days. He feels that he needs to get himself together first, learn about the city and have himself astablished enought to make me feel comfortable when I do come . I am very proud of him. He is a strong man mentally and he helps me remain strong throughout this situation.

Hmmm, something doesn't seem quite right about this. If you are planning to move there, shouldn't he want you to come down and scout it out ASAP?

Aside from that, I really don't think 4 months is anywhere near long enough to be considering moving to another state with a man, especially when you have 3 children. Have you run a background check on him? Seen a recent credit report? Is he paying child support for his children? Don't let love blind you to your responsibility of keeping your children safe and secure. This just sounds like a set-up to a lifetime movie.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I'm with ThickHair, poetist, and msa.

You have only dated him for 4 months...IMO that's not enough time to uproot your children and move to be with this man...not to mention him watching your kids. Also, the car issue and the phone comment you made seemed "weird"...he called you on someone's phone. Who's phone was it and why doesn't he have a cell phone? Does he have financial issues and this is the reason why he has no transportation or phone? You stated that he will send you an engagement ring in November...does that mean he will actually "send" it to you or will he be coming back to visit you and then ask for your hand in marriage. He has 2 kids from 2 different women is child support the reason for him not having basic things. How did he get to and from work in Ohio?

And lastly this.... "i want to go visit him within the next few weeks but he told me he does not think that is a good idea because he needs to stay focused and it would hurt us all over again for me to leave after just a few days"...

.....to ME is a red flag. I understand that saying goodbye is hard but if this man loves you and misses you like you love and miss him then he should want you to visit him. How will your visit make him become "unfocused"??

I'm not being a debbie downer but as a mother of 3 kids...these are the things I would be thinking about.

ETA: I remember your other thread.....this guy is the rebound man from the relationship that you were not totally out of. My advice in that thread was to move on from the ex and bypass the new one...FOCUS on your kids. Based on what you posted...you and your kids have been through alot....moving in with your mom, changing schools...they DON'T need this again.

 

[msa]

ETA: I remember your other thread.....this guy is the rebound man from the relationship that you were not totally out of. My advice in that thread was to move on from the ex and bypass the new one...FOCUS on your kids. Based on what you posted...you and your kids have been through alot....moving in with your mom, changing schools...they DON'T need this again.

I had totally forgotten about that. I remember people were telling her to chill and focus on herself an the kids.

OP, this is not a good idea AT ALL. Pump the brakes. Aside from all the red flags (he has no car, no phone, kids with two different women, doesn't want you to come visit, no job, etc. etc.), you need to take some time to get on your own two feet.

Don't do this! You're sn is IMFOCSD, you need to be fully FOCUSED on your 3 children and getting yourself together. From your previous threads about your ex and the car situation, it appears that you don't have the best decision making skills. You need to get yourself and your life together before even thinking about a man. You also need to get in some counseling ASAP. If you had time to hang out with this man every day for 4 months, then you definitely have time to seek out a support group.

 

[hopeful]

Co-signing with ThickHair, poetist, coconow2007, msa, and mrsjohnson75. If you did not have children, I would wonder how well you could know a man in four months. But you know I would be like she's grown, do you lol.

But since three children are involved, one of whom doesn't want to leave, and your family and support system are where you currently live, I think you should be really careful. Do the things msa said, get a background check, police and credit reports, health checkups, etc., etc. Just be careful and see how things go.

I think you should just kind of chill for now and focus on yourself and your children and your family and friends who live where you live. It sounds to me like he is searching for something. I mean he left you and his children, and while it may be hard, he did it. He is doing what he thinks is best for himself and honestly I think he doesn't want any interruptions right now.

Hopefully, he will get himself together, you will find that he is perfect as you think, he will send for you, and you will all live happily ever after. But even if that doesn't happen, it sounds like he was an angel for you in a time of need. Be grateful for those wonderful four months and just wait and see. Try not to be so eager. And have faith that if this doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be and another man will love you too. I wish you all the best and all the happiness your heart can hold.

 

[JewelleNY]

So many red flags

My mom met a man very quickly after my father died, I was about 11. We moved down south with this man and that was such a terrible relationship. And we were kind of stuck I wish my mom had just chilled for a little while or did more trips. I think she wanted to be taken care of soon as my dad was a great provider but it just didn't work out.

Think of yourself and your kids and just take your time.

 

[varaneka]

FYI I'M EXCITED FOR YOUUUUUU

let me know how Texas is because I've always been afraid of that state. I have never set foot outside of TX airports LOL

BTW Hopeful has great advice. Take heed please please please! and thank you lol