I'm lost & need advice. Please Help!

[ashleymichelle1]

This is gonna be a long post and I'm sorry about that. I'll try to make this as short as I possibly can.



Okay me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for over 2 years, dating almost 3. I love him very much and he loves me also. We are expecting a baby in December and we are really excited.


Theres a couple of problems tho. I am 20 years old, he is 21..were very young. He wants me to move in w/ him and idk if thats the best idea. Right now I am in school But I am not working due to a physical problem w/ my foot (filed for disability, got denied and I am now appealing w/ a lawyer). If we lived together we would be living on his income which isn't alot..he works in a warehouse. If I got my disability approved I would be comfortable w/ living with him but right now I just do not feel like we will make it on his income alone. I have taken this issue up w/ him and talked about it numerous times and he always says he makes plenty of money and we will be fine..& i'm just like . I really don't think he understands the amount of money we will need.



Also I am getting very stressed out. Some of my family is always bugging me and saying i'm making a bad decision if I move in w/ him. Last night someone in my family had a talk w/ me and said they were concerned..they said I deserve so much better & why would I wanna guy who isn't in school and only makes x amount of money, and I should leave him and basically find another man who can take better care of his family etc. My boyfriend was homeless last year at one point and was sleeping in his broke down car but then and he was allowed to stay with me for a little while. btw i live with my mother, she was reluctant at first but she allowed him to stay until he got back on his feet. So this family member was saying that too many bad things happen to my boyfriend and I need to stay away from him until he gets his life together and that I need someone who is in school and knows what they wanna do career wise. But to me personally he has gotten his life together because this time last year he was homeless and now he has a new job, apartment and just got a new car.



I truly love him and I want to be w/ him forever. I am worried about him not pursuing any career goals but I think he will get to that eventually. Am I being naiive? Is my family member right? I know me and him have alot of work cut out for us..we eventually wanna get married and build a life together. But right now i'm just so confused about everything. I think hes the right guy for me but others seem to think diffirently and idk what to think anymore. Are me and my boyfriend truly in over our heads w/ this whole situation? and now we have a baby to take care of. I know if I stay home my mother will make sure I have everything I need but my bf REALLY, REALLY wants me to move in w/ him. I just don't know what to do. & is my family member right about me needing to break things off w/ him? I just cant fathom breaking up with him all because hes not ballin and making good money especially when I don't have a job..



Ok idk if that made any sense at all. But any advice ladies?



eta- I'm not trying to put everything on him. I know i'm not bringing much to the table by not having a job right now but that is something i'm working on..i'm still healing from last last foot surgery I had at the end of July..I wish I had an income..this pregnancy was not planned and I wish I was more careful. I feel like I have to rely on everyone else for money (mom, dad, boyfriend) and its seriously SUCKS & i know things would be much better if I had a job. But now i'm in this jacked up situation & i'm trying to make the best of things.

 

[ThickHair]

What do you want to do? Answer honestly, then you have your answer. Who knows if it is going to be right or wrong.

Once that baby gets here, you two are going to be connected in some way forever.

You have a lot on your plate.

 

[Windsy]

You need to ask yourself "What is best for my child?"

All I saw in your post was "me" and "he". Not about what would be beneificial for the child.

I think you need to replace the child with "me" and you should be able to make a sound decision.


I've changed some of your posts that I think needs to stand out:

"Theres a couple of problems tho. I am 20 years old, he is 21..were very young. He wants me and the baby to move in w/ him and idk if thats the best idea.

If we lived together we would be living on his income which isn't alot..he works in a warehouse. If I got my disability approved I would be comfortable w/ living with him but right now I just do not feel like we will make it on his income alone.

I really don't think he understands the amount of money we will need.

Also I am getting very stressed out. Some of my family is always bugging me and saying i'm making a bad decision if we move in w/ him. L

Last night someone in my family had a talk w/ me and said they were concerned..they said we deserve so much better & why would we wanna guy who isn't in school and only makes x amount of money, and we should leave him and basically find another man who can take better care of his family etc.

So this family member was saying that too many bad things happen to my boyfriend and we need to stay away from him until he gets his life together and that we need someone who is in school and knows what they wanna do career wise. "

 

[caltron]

Congratulations on your baby! I know you have a lot to think about, but I hope you are still able to enjoy your pregnancy.

It's hard for me to really give you advice either way because I don't really know him and don't really know you. Also, it's tough because I know how it is when you're young and in love. People tend to gloss over the negatives and it's hard to be objective. I know when I was your age, I was the queen of telling people what I wanted them to know to get the answer that I wanted to hear!

In this case, I think what's best for you is what is going to be best for your baby. If I were to pick a man for my daughter, I'd want him to be already stable and upwardly mobile. I'd also want my daughter to have had an opportunity to live life before settling down with any one person. So I can understand where your family members are coming from. That being said, the guy does seem to be trying to do the right thing and sometimes people are able to pull themselves up. Some young couples are able to make it against all odds and since you have a child together, I am a little reluctant to say what I would otherwise, which is just cut him off altogether. So I'm pretty torn here and really can't give you any definitive advice about whether to move in with him or not.

But I can say, first off, don't feel pressured to move in with him because you have a baby together. If your relationship is not right then a baby will just make it worse. You shouldn't feel like you have to jump into anything because of the baby. If it's not right, it's better just to raise your baby apart until he gets his stuff together or until a better situation comes along.

Second off, I would listen to your family members if you have a good relationship with them--esp. your parents. They probably know more about you, your man, and this situation than any of us. Plus, they only want the best for you and have many years of wisdom. They just want you to avoid the mistakes they made when they were younger. I can honestly say that my parents have never been wrong about any of the relationship advice they have ever given me.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

i'm not gonna light up a newport one hunnit, cuz i done smoked my last one messin round in da otha thread, and i need to run to da licka sto right quick.

but pump ya breaks. don't make decisions based on emotions, because when u do, u screw up.

 

[mischka]

You are focusing on what he is doing and what he can provide, I wonder why you are not giving as much attention to what you should be bringing to the table. You no longer have the luxury of being unemployed either with this baby on the way. A foot "disability" ain't in the way of you getting some kind of job, sorry to be blunt about that but you really shouldn't be relying on trying to get disability for that because I can tell you right now it's 90 percent likely they won't give it to you. You shouldn't even want that when that isn't something that could seriously stand in the way of working - secretaries and other office workers sit down all day. Your laissez faire attitude toward your own productivity in regards to supporting your child is worrying

As far as your boyfriend and continuing the relationship take this all with a grain of salt because it's your relationship and your life but if you were concerned about him not being the right man to settle down with it's a little too late to be thinking about that now. The time to decide this man couldn't support you and provide you with the things you need was BEFORE you got pregnant. It looks a little silly to me to say "well I don't know if I wanna be with him" when now you're stuck with him.

You say that he couldn't support you on his income I have to ask well who is supporting you now? Because from what I gather you aren't supporting yourself. So basically you're wondering if you should go from the relative security of your family home where your mother or whoever is supporting you to the relative instability of your boyfriend's home where he may not make enough for the money to spread all the way around. I ask why your contribution is miscounted from this equation I don't hear anything from you that indicates YOU are doing anything to better this situation.

You have gotten yourself in a mess here and it sounds like to me you still are focusing on the wrong things.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

You are focusing on what he is doing and what he can provide, I wonder why you are not giving as much attention to what you should be bringing to the table. You no longer have the luxury of being unemployed either with this baby on the way. A foot "disability" ain't in the way of you getting some kind of job, sorry to be blunt about that but you really shouldn't be relying on trying to get disability for that because I can tell you right now it's 90 percent likely they won't give it to you. You shouldn't even want that when that isn't something that could seriously stand in the way of working - secretaries and other office workers sit down all day. Your laissez faire attitude toward your own productivity in regards to supporting your child is worrying

As far as your boyfriend and continuing the relationship take this all with a grain of salt because it's your relationship and your life but if you were concerned about him not being the right man to settle down with it's a little too late to be thinking about that now. The time to decide this man couldn't support you and provide you with the things you need was BEFORE you got pregnant. It looks a little silly to me to say "well I don't know if I wanna be with him" when now you're stuck with him.

You say that he couldn't support you on his income I have to ask well who is supporting you now? Because from what I gather you aren't supporting yourself. So basically you're wondering if you should go from the relative security of your family home where your mother or whoever is supporting you to the relative instability of your boyfriend's home where he may not make enough for the money to spread all the way around. I ask why your contribution is miscounted from this equation I don't hear anything from you that indicates YOU are doing anything to better this situation.

You have gotten yourself in a mess here and it sounds like to me you still are focusing on the wrong things.

The reason i'm not working isn't out of laziness. I just had my 3rd surgery last month on my foot ( which was very scary being pregnant). I just got out of my walking boot last week. Before this third surgery all I did was apply to jobs..my main goal was getting a job where I could sit down. Unfortunately I never got hired from any of the jobs I applied to . Then I was advised to have another surgery that was supposed to correct my excruciating pain and that was the surgery I had last month.

I know I have gotten myself into a big mess. This pregnancy def was not planned. I never imagined myself preg at 20, unmarried, jobless, jacked up foot etc. I seriously am very depressed about this. But I could never have an abortion and I decided I wanted to have this baby and I was just gonna do the best I can.

It seems like i'm only worried about what my bf is bringing to the table but i'm not. The only time I think about it is when my family members harass me about it..thats why I brought it up. I wish I could be bringing more to the table. Me & him are not even married right now anyways so I don't even feel like I have a right to feel like he has to be doing all this or that. The big thing is HE wants me to move in w/ him so badly..and the reason I am not comfortable is because I DON'T HAVE A JOB. I know one income probably won't be enough. I guess it sounds like i'm putting everything on his shoulders but i'm not! It's my family who keeps pointing out how much he makes etc. I graduate from school in a year..so my plan for MYSELF is to continue school, find a job ( right now its hard to find one while preg & still healing from surgery & school)..but i'm applying anyways and praying I get hired. So I am paying attention to what I should be bringing to the table. unfortunately i'm not bringing much and that makes me look like a loser I know. But I am trying my best....

 

[ashleymichelle1]

What do you want to do? Answer honestly, then you have your answer. Who knows if it is going to be right or wrong.

Once that baby gets here, you two are going to be connected in some way forever.

You have a lot on your plate.

I WANT to move in w/ him. But I guess I know its not the right thing right now until me & him both get our lives together. sigh.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

nvm........

 

[mischka]

It almost sounds as if your family is distorting things. Why are they focusing so much on him and letting you off the hook? You're responsible for this situation too and they shouldn't be filling your head with negative thoughts about him. You two are in this together and if I were you I would be mindful of outside opinions, particularly those that may appear skewed. I don't mean your family's opinion should hold no weight but allow yourself to be objective. Just because they're your family that doesn't automatically make them right - they very well be but it isn't automatically so. You're going to have to start accepting and rejecting information for yourself instead of relying on others.

If it were me I would move in with the boyfriend and do my best to find a job. If your degree isn't in something practical I would probably put school on the back burner for now. If your degree is in psychology, coms, english, music, history, art, something like that, I would think it isn't really going to make you that competitive in the job market right now, not any more than an associate's (which completing two years of college you can say you have). My interest would be in my family remaining intact and doing whatever I could to help ensure I didn't end up a single mom, particularly when I am not in a place in my life where I can even support myself let alone a baby. Right now for all your family's whining, your boyfriend is the stable person in this equation and the one who is doing something. He has a place and he has a job and you have neither.

You can't afford to be lax on this situation because I hate to sound harsh but under these circumstances you are already putting your child at a disadvantage. If you want to do whatever you can to correct this it's time for you to step up and start thinking about the best interests of your child and his or her future.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

ok..back from da licka sto.

*lights up a newport one hunnit*

imma take it from another stand point. right now, you're pregnant and you do not need to be stressed out about what other family members think. it's too late for all of that, because what is done is done. so right now you need to focus on getting youself together and it's going to take some time.

if you stay home with your mom, or move in with him..guess what? you're still in the same situation. no job, pregnant and limpin around on one leg for now. these conditions are not permanent. they are temporary.

at least he is willing to man up and take care of his responsibilities. It could be worse. he could still be homeless, unemployed, living with you and your mom. now, take all of that and think about if you were pregnant under those conditions. but at least now, he has proven himself where he is no longer homeless, etc.

it makes no sense for anyone to criticize right now because what is done is done.

follow your heart. don't let others make decisions and dictate your life for you. you're an adult, so it's time to start acting and thinking like one. By youself.

 

[Whimsy]

Sweetie, congrats on your pregnancy, I hope it's an easy one.

It sounds like you have made your decision already. You don't want to move in with him, so don't be pressured. And don't be pressured by family either.

Stay at home, raise your child with your boyfriend's help and see where things go. Moving in is not necessary or smart right now, and from the way you worded things it seems you realize that.

Sounds like you have a family that loves/cares for you and will support you.

Do what's best for you and your child and trust your gut.

 

[Whimsy]

it makes no sense for anyone to criticize right now because what is done is done.

Ditto, and what matters now is what you do next. Sticky situation, try to ignore the judgment you may receive or take it with a grain of salt OP.

Sidebar: have you tried looking for work from home opportunities or something like that. legit ones are out there.

 

[Whimsy]

I WANT to move in w/ him. But I guess I know its not the right thing right now until me & him both get our lives together. sigh.

Smart girl. When the time is right you'll do it. Until then no need to stress about it.

 

[mischka]

I guess I just don't see what there is to be gained from living at home that would be forgone if they lived together. Seems like to me the way to move forward would be to actually keep moving forward. It seems as if it would force her to find a job for one thing where if she were languishing at home it would be less of an issue. Easier not to grow up if you stay there. Then again I'm coming from the perspective of not wanting to be a "baby mama" with the end picture being my child, my child's father, and I sticking it out for the long run.

By the way when I said the op should be deciding for herself now what information to accept and reject, that includes this thread.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

It almost sounds as if your family is distorting things. Why are they focusing so much on him and letting you off the hook? You're responsible for this situation too and they shouldn't be filling your head with negative thoughts about him. You two are in this together and if I were you I would be mindful of outside opinions, particularly those that may appear skewed. I don't mean your family's opinion should hold no weight but allow yourself to be objective. Just because they're your family that doesn't automatically make them right - they very well be but it isn't automatically so. You're going to have to start accepting and rejecting information for yourself instead of relying on others.

If it were me I would move in with the boyfriend and do my best to find a job. If your degree isn't in something practical I would probably put school on the back burner for now. If your degree is in psychology, coms, english, music, history, art, something like that, I would think it isn't really going to make you that competitive in the job market right now, not any more than an associate's (which completing two years of college you can say you have). My interest would be in my family remaining intact and doing whatever I could to help ensure I didn't end up a single mom, particularly when I am not in a place in my life where I can even support myself let alone a baby. Right now for all your family's whining, your boyfriend is the stable person in this equation and the one who is doing something. He has a place and he has a job and you have neither.

You can't afford to be lax on this situation because I hate to sound harsh but under these circumstances you are already putting your child at a disadvantage. If you want to do whatever you can to correct this it's time for you to step up and start thinking about the best interests of your child and his or her future.

I have no idea why they are so focused on him and thats whats been getting on my nerves. I overall had a good feeling about this situation and I was optimistic about our future together until certain people started coming at me & saying all these things about our situation and about what I should and should not do. I started to believe them because they are way older than me and they have much more experience in life and I just figured maybe i'm just being young and naiive and maybe I should listen to them.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

ok..back from da licka sto.

*lights up a newport one hunnit*

imma take it from another stand point. right now, you're pregnant and you do not need to be stressed out about what other family members think. it's too late for all of that, because what is done is done. so right now you need to focus on getting youself together and it's going to take some time.

if you stay home with your mom, or move in with him..guess what? you're still in the same situation. no job, pregnant and limpin around on one leg for now. these conditions are not permanent. they are temporary.

at least he is willing to man up and take care of his responsibilities. It could be worse. he could still be homeless, unemployed, living with you and your mom. now, take all of that and think about if you were pregnant under those conditions. but at least now, he has proven himself where he is no longer homeless, etc.

it makes no sense for anyone to criticize right now because what is done is done.

follow your heart. don't let others make decisions and dictate your life for you. you're an adult, so it's time to start acting and thinking like one. By youself.

Your right. It is time for me to become an adult. My mother is very over- protective of me..she still treats me like a child and i've let her. She DOES NOT want me to move out and keeps telling me were not gonna make it and me & the baby need to stay with her. I guess I feel like I can't leave her in some crazy distorted way. She makes me feel guilty about wanting to move out..i'm like HELLO mom i'm 20 years old! lol

 

[stephluv]

No rush for the move in situation if being at home isnt cause you or your future baby harm....sometimes ppl make rash and harsh decisions when a baby is on the way but you have a family that loves you and a man that wants to do right by you...count your blessings and stay focused on whats best for you..that will also be best for your child.

Taking care of a newborn is alot of work and if your physically not able to do what you want now..imagine when you have a newborn...tell your boyfriend to give you some time to adjust at home with the baby because this is a new role for you both

Congrats sweetie!! This should be a happy time for you both so enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the preparations of your new addition Just like you had faith he would get himself together continue to have faith for ya'll future...they say behind every strong man is a strong woman! Stay strong and hold true to your own

 

[ashleymichelle1]

Ditto, and what matters now is what you do next. Sticky situation, try to ignore the judgment you may receive or take it with a grain of salt OP.

Sidebar: have you tried looking for work from home opportunities or something like that. legit ones are out there.

Actually I have thought about working from home. In all the pregnancy magazines i've been buying i've noticed ads about training at home to become a medical coding specialist or something along those lines. I didn't know if it was a good progam or not but i'm gonna go back and take a look at those..

 

[carcajada]

I WANT to move in w/ him. But I guess I know its not the right thing right now until me & him both get our lives together. sigh.

Um, no. You think you want to, but you really don't want the stress shacking can bring. From a former shacker, I will say it can get hard and turn your relationship into something else. No, not all living situations are stressful, but statistically and personally speaking, these relationships don't last.

 

[CandiceC]

Is there a rush to make a decision?

I think you should stay at home for now until the baby arrives and you start adjusting into your new role as a mother. Then make a decision.

((Personally I'm against shacking (and with a newborn? stress), but that's your decision to make.))

 

[onyxdreams]

Shacking especially when the parties involved are young and struggling can be even more stressful then usual.You have a third optionor at least a goal to work towards,you can always move out on your own when and if your case has settled.Until then I think your best option is to stay at your mother's house While you reside with your mom encourage your boyfriend to think about the future.Further encourage him to provide a firm foundation for your family by your own actions.
Ex. work from home,complete your education or obtain a skill

Im sure your family is trying to watching out for you. I also think in general young people are optimistic (naive) because you haven't been dealing with life long enough it is amazing how reality makes for clear vision.Good luck while you are in quite a situation it isn't an insurmountable obstacle.

 

[locabouthair]

Is there a rush to make a decision?

I think you should stay at home for now until the baby arrives and you start adjusting into your new role as a mother. Then make a decision.

((Personally I'm against shacking (and with a newborn? stress), but that's your decision to make.))

I agree with this.

Here's a list of legit work at home companies. work at home jobs

Good luck with everything and try not to stress too much during your pregnancy.

 

[Phoenixsky13]

I think you should stay home OP and I only say that because of the stress of a newborn. In my family my mother and grandmother before her always visited their children and siblings to help out when a new baby arrived. Ive even helped my bff when she had her son, just to help her with cleaning and cooking while she bonded with the baby and recovered from the birth. Newborns are a lot of work.

I think its wonderful that your SO had turned his life around but it takes time to make life changes and he could use this time while you're still at home to save his money and prepare for the financial responsibility of supporting you and your child in the future.

 

[ashleymichelle1]

Um, no. You think you want to, but you really don't want the stress shacking can bring. From a former shacker, I will say it can get hard and turn your relationship into something else. No, not all living situations are stressful, but statistically and personally speaking, these relationships don't last.

So are you saying you believe a couple should marry first?

 

[ashleymichelle1]

Is there a rush to make a decision?

I think you should stay at home for now until the baby arrives and you start adjusting into your new role as a mother. Then make a decision.

((Personally I'm against shacking (and with a newborn? stress), but that's your decision to make.))

there is somewhat of a rush because my boyfriend really wants me to move in. But now i have pretty much decided its best if i stay home. I plan on sitting down & talking to him tommorrow about my decision

 

[MissJ]

If your boyfriend is trying and is a good man to you, I think you should try to keep your family in tact. Only you can decide whether you want to move in with him or not. I don't agree with the message your family member is sending: Get pregnant by a supposed loser, and then go find a better man to take care of you and the other man's baby.

 

[Windsy]

ashleymichelle1

as a mother and a person that's been in your shoes.....your mother and family still see as their little girl; they really only want the best for you and baby......just try to keep that in mind.

 

[hopeful]

Focus on having a healthy baby. Don't even think about breaking up with him right now. You love him and he loves you. That is good for you and the baby. For now stay with your mom. You and the baby will need her support. Heal your foot. Take good care of the baby and nurture your relationship with your bf as well. Take care of your foot. Enjoy family time with your boyfriend and the baby. You have a lot going on here now and don't need to make any major changes. Try not to panic, okay? Things may not be perfect but you have family support and a boyfriend who loves you and who has a job, an apartment, and a car. Things could be a lot worse. Everything will work out if you make your and your baby's well-being a priority.

 

[Bnster]

There is no need to rush. Don't move in, you have the support of your family it looks like. Let both of you get need to get yourself in the place you want to be in your life, financially speaking and then move on. 1 year is not enough to prove that he has changed for good.

It is good that he is progressing and changing his life, let him continue to do that and let you see that he is doing that before you progress after further.

He will be in your life with the baby coming along. Just give your relationship more time and look out for what you need financially and emotionally. Don't trap yourself and good luck!