"IF YOUR HUSBAND COMES HOME PAST 2AM, HE'S UP TO NO GOOD!"

[kinkycotton]

My mother used to say this to me all the time. Let me explain how this is affecting my marriage.

My DH and I have been together for 12yrs married for 6yrs and have a 2 yr old son. He joined the Army and we've been to 3 duty stations and through 2 deployments. Some women in the military can't handle being alone for so long but I did fine. I had my moments but never had to find "company" because I was lonely. Solitude can be very comforting and you learn more about yourself in the processes.


During the first 4 yrs of marriage our one argument was his coming home at 6 am!!! like everything was all good. I had to explain to him over and over again we are married now and "college days" are over. I've always knew I was dating/married to a "backpacker" at heart. They put all forms of support into Hip-Hop and just love good music in general. I thought about why can't he just listen to his music at home. But if you know and love hip hop you know it's just not the same. I ask this because Italians do everything late. They eat at 9pm and the nightlight don't start till 12am. My DH is breaking his damn neck to get home before 330am which that time I'm cool with but I feel like I'm becoming the "wife clocker". He can't really enjoy himself because he's looking at the time every few mins and once the DJ starts up with the right music (at 230am) he has to leave. He's not complaining either. Everything is great between us in that area..but...

Should I change my thinking process on "if your man is out past 2am, he's up to now good"?


Now that I landed a job (finally!) I'm starting to understand his reasoning. Everyone has to have an outlet away from home. I'm more of a homebody and can watch movies all day.(Taurus if that matters) and my DH is the one who likes to get the party going, exciting, spontanous, (a LEO) but now that's all changing. Because of my controlling nature my DH is turning into a "yes man".

Is it me who needs to change?? I want to say so much more but I'm going to wait for ya response first. Please help

 

[Ediese]

My mother used to say this to me all the time.

Now that I landed a job (finally!) I'm starting to understand his reasoning. Everyone has to have an outlet away from home. I'm more of a homebody and can watch movies all day.(Taurus if that matters) and my DH is the one who likes to get the party going, exciting, spontanous, (a LEO) but now that's all changing. Because of my controlling nature my DH is turning into a "yes man".

Is it me who needs to change?? I want to say so much more but I'm going to wait for ya response first. Please help

Sorry I don't really have any advice to give, but I just wanted to wish you luck. I'm sure you'll receive some good advice. It sounds like you're describing my ex. After him, I've sworn to NEVER date another LEO. I refuse.

 

[kinkycotton]

Sorry I don't really have any advice to give, but I just wanted to wish you luck. I'm sure you'll receive some good advice. It sounds like you're describing my ex. After him, I've sworn to NEVER date another LEO. I refuse.

It's all good. I had to reply to your hair..I love it!!. LOL

 

[brownelovely]

The only thing I can say is don't turn into the nagging wife. If anything, that would probably cause more stress than what's going on. However, please don't put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy at home.

What made you change your mind about him staying out? There has to be more than just the statement your mother made hopefully

 

[SelahOco]

How often is he doing it? And do you think he's up to no good? Is it hurting you? And is he respecting your compromise.

 

[Denise11]

I'm assuming your husband is Italian. If that's what Italians do, and you're fine with it, I think its okay. As long as you don't think he's cheating.

I don't date or marry men that goes clubbing and partying, or stays out late, so I don't have that problem. But I don't think husbands and/or fathers shouldn't be out that late. How would he feel if you came home that late?

 

[MahoganyJazz]

My DH stays out until those hours a night at his buddies houses... drinking (blah.) At first I had my doubts, but after popping up over there 34985729348579 times I feel secure about it. Plus it just got the point where I'd rather him passed out over there than driving home drunk. Also, I make sure I have girls night out from time to time so I won't feel so one sided about it.

 

[kinkycotton]

The only thing I can say is don't turn into the nagging wife. If anything, that would probably cause more stress than what's going on. However, please don't put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy at home.

What made you change your mind about him staying out? There has to be more than just the statement your mother made hopefully

I would have to put out there he is not complaining at all. If I wanted him to be home by 12am he would break his neck to do so.
My change of heart comes with living in Italy and how late everything gets started especially the night life. By the time the DJ starts getting the party going it's time for him to leave so I don't get upset.

2nd reason: I landed a job so now I have an outlet too. With that I feel like my time is way too occupied on checking on what time DH comes home and maybe it's time for me to change my thinking from what my mom taught us(siblings) years ago. And now that I'm an adult I'm noticing my parents relationship is not so great either. Which brings up...

3rd reason:Mom is clingy and can't be alone and dad HAS/IS cheated. I should be happy that I got my DH to do what I want but damn, I don't want him to be unhappy. Of course when I asks him he says everything is good but eyes tells me something else.

What should I do?

 

[kinkycotton]

How often is he doing it? And do you think he's up to no good? Is it hurting you? And is he respecting your compromise.

1.Every other weekend. Friday nights is where they actually play Hip Hop classics.

2. I don't feel that he is at all. You know we women have that 6th sense when our man is doing wrong and I don't feel that.

3. Absolutely. I haven't heard any grips or anything from me because he says he understands where I'm coming from. Seems like I shouldn't complain. right? I just feel he works for hard for the family he deserves to have some him time. I always feel refreshed after getting away from the family for a few hours and I think everyone needs that. He's interested is listening to music, having a drink, and watching the DJ do his think. Now if we were in America than I wouldn't even bend on this but since it's Italy the way of life is entirely different here.

I just don't know.

 

[kinkycotton]

I'm assuming your husband is Italian. If that's what Italians do, and you're fine with it, I think its okay. As long as you don't think he's cheating.

I don't date or marry men that goes clubbing and partying, or stays out late, so I don't have that problem. But I don't think husbands and/or fathers shouldn't be out that late. How would he feel if you came home that late?

Naw, my husband is African American from Brooklyn,NYC. LOL But with living in Italy there has been some adjustments that needed to be made. I just feel I'm too old school? I was the club girl back then but not the one looking for a man..the one on the dance floor the entire time. It was my way to relieve stress from the week and my boyfriend/ now DH was the same way so it was cool back then. Now that we're married it should be different right? I mean he hasn't been out that late in awhile now but I just feel he's not having a good time when he is out.

I tried staying out to show him how it felt but my girls and I couldn't last past 12 am. We're all moms and so used to putting our LO down at 7pm and ourselves at 900pm. LOL I did pose the question to him and he was like" i'll be cool with it". Please.....we all know that's a lie.

 

[kinkycotton]

My DH stays out until those hours a night at his buddies houses... drinking (blah.) At first I had my doubts, but after popping up over there 34985729348579 times I feel secure about it. Plus it just got the point where I'd rather him passed out over there than driving home drunk. Also, I make sure I have girls night out from time to time so I won't feel so one sided about it.

Now see I don't mind that at all. That's cool. Dh did go to a poker game over some buddies house last week but had to rush home because of me. And DH friend had a pregnant wife who kept calling every 15 mins that she had a headache. DH friend hasn't been out in over a year and his wife was nagging the hell out of him. That's one of the reason I wanted to take a good look in the mirror.

I just started doing ladies night out which is why I'm questioning maybe I need to re-evaluate what I expect of him. Am I being way too controlling? DH doesn't even put up a fight anymore because I can be so damn bull headed. I mean it's Italy and I got this fool on a leash for goodness sakes.


My fear is say I tell him I'm cool with him staying out later. And one night we have a big fight, he goes out and an opportunity arises. Then it's my fault that lowed my expectations right?

 

[LoveLiLi]

Now see I don't mind that at all. That's cool. Dh did go to a poker game over some buddies house last week but had to rush home because of me. And DH friend had a pregnant wife who kept calling every 15 mins that she had a headache. DH friend hasn't been out in over a year and his wife was nagging the hell out of him. That's one of the reason I wanted to take a good look in the mirror.

I just started doing ladies night out which is why I'm questioning maybe I need to re-evaluate what I expect of him. Am I being way too controlling? DH doesn't even put up a fight anymore because I can be so damn bull headed. I mean it's Italy and I got this fool on a leash for goodness sakes.


My fear is say I tell him I'm cool with him staying out later. And one night we have a big fight, he goes out and an opportunity arises. Then it's my fault that lowed my expectations right?

No, it's not your fault if your DH uses an argument as an excuse to cheat. It's never our fault or our place to take on responsibility for our partner's poor choices.

Have you been to the places he likes to hang out? Honestly, I wouldn't want my SO to stay out until the wee hours of the morning either. But maybe if you are familiar with his friends, the environment and you trust that he's making good decisions you two can compromise about how frequently and how late he stays out.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

If someone is gonna cheat, it does not have to be at 2 a.m. People cheat at all times of the day and even on the job. DH witnessed a married woman having sex with a maintenance guy in a storage room at my old firm at lunch time. But I digress.

I think you and your DH need to talk about boundaries in Italy. I have been to Italy but never lived there. I had no idea that the clubs did not start bumping until 2 a.m. That seems similar to some NYC after hours spots.

The first thing I would do is find out why he wants to be away from the family every other weekend. I get it that people need downtime but when I need downtime, I want to be at home with DH. After that talk, and making sure that he is not unhappy and trying to be away from home for any specific reason, then you can move to step 2.

I don't think you need to tell him that it's okay to roll in at 3:30 a.m. but you do need to be clear that you trust him, trust his judgment and that you expect him to only have his 3:30 a.m. party time maybe once a month. I don't think married men cannot ever go out again but he is married with a small child so he does not need to be up in the club every other weekend when he could be enjoying time with his family. Your son is most likely asleep already when your DH leaves, but that is still time that the two of you could be together. When he does go out every other weekend, maybe go with him a few times. Get a sitter and hang out on the town with hubby.

Don't become the nag. I know some of the nagging wife/girlfriend types and trust me, the men do talk about them. I rarely call DH when he's with his friends while some of the other women call every 15 minutes. They all tell DH that he is so lucky and they want a woman like me. The funny thing is that when DH is out late, it's studio production work. He is a Taurus and likes to be at home & not up in a club unless I ask to go.

 

[SelahOco]

^^^Good points momma!

OP, just remember that ALL advice comes from a place of experience. Your mother's experience does not have to be your own. You can accept the wisdom in her statement- because for her it was true that her man was likely doing wrong if he stayed out late. But it's probably not the only indication that she had of your father's unfaithfulness.

If your husband is respectful, and your mom's quote is what's eating at you...let it go. Find what makes you and ur DH happy. No one else is in this marriage - and no one else is responsible for caring for that man but you.

Like the old people would say "Watch AND Pray..." basically meaning do what you both feel good doing, but continue to use wisdom and be open and honest about any concerns (and where they come from) you have about the arrangement.

Your DH sounds like a good, loving man. Be blessed and feel blessed girl! I love it.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I'm not married, but I did deal with this issue in my last relationship. It annoyed me to no end. Trust was not an issue however I just couldn't understand why a man in a committed relationship would feel the need to stay out till damn near the crack of dawn. There was no need for him to be in the club or lounge spot till the lights came on.

That said, I KNOW that I'd never be able to marry a man who did it and saw nothing wrong with it. Like the song says - don't let the sun beat you home.


Good luck OP!

 

[tiara76]

I think you are on the right track in your thought process and how you are evaluating everything with yourself and him...you will figure it out no doubt

one thing you mentioned that stuck out was how you can tell in his eyes that he may not be so okay with things when he says he is....that is very important to pay attention to because most people supress their own feelings in order to appease others and it builds up resentment within that comes out in "ugly" ways usually unknowingly catching everybody off guard....

its great you are being honest with yourself and questioning yourself to figure out whats really going on with you, just make sure you encourage him to do the same so that you both can come to a clear understanding not only of each of yourselves separately but of you two together and find ways to step into the others shoes to get an understanding of where the other is coming from vs being frustrated that what he likes to do isn't what u like to do or what u want him to like to do and vice versa....

when you can look in his eyes and know he's okay you will know that he is speaking the truth about whats going on with him

and staying out late doesn't mean anything specific...people cheat at all hours of the day....you can have a man who comes home at 6 pm everyday and plays daddy and husband every nite and weekend and has sex with his mistress a few times a week during lunch hours

 

[Farida]

Ain't nothin' open after 2 am but legs...

 

[onyxdreams]

I think there is no need to revisit the time issue but I would tell him you appreciate his efforts and respecting your wishes.I would act excited abut his interest ask him to explain his interest to you. Play his music around the house,make his love your love(even if you have to fake it).Don't become the nag but don't be wishy washy,he is a married man he doesn't need to be out all hours of the night.Not even in Italy.Now that your working and even before you were working why didnt he take you out or offer to take you out with him.Show some interest in hip hop and he may be likely to be open to share his experiences.

I have an issue with mates that feel the need to always go out by themselves.If you wanted to do everything as an individual then why get married.

Now,I do think that you reflecting on your comment is a good thing.I don't think you should treat your mariage as your parents because you will end up with their problems.I think it wise to examine each advice given from anyone, and see if it speaks to your situation if it doesn't toss it.
Good luck

 

[honeycomb719]

I'm assuming your husband is Italian. If that's what Italians do, and you're fine with it, I think its okay. As long as you don't think he's cheating.

I don't date or marry men that goes clubbing and partying, or stays out late, so I don't have that problem. But I don't think husbands and/or fathers shouldn't be out that late. How would he feel if you came home that late?

I agree with this post, altho I beg to differ about the generalization about Italians. My husband doesnt stay out late often at all. We've discussed a respectful time to be home when hanging out, I dont care how much fun is popping off.
I think an agreement needs to be made before hand and stuck to. If not then its a problem, especially if I try to reach him and I dont get and answer. Not that I call my DH at all when he's out, he's the one thats usually calling me..

 

[jamerichameleon]

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, but why can't you compromise? If you feel bad that he's breaking his neck to come home, why not every once in a while just let him do him and come home on his time and vice versa (you go out with your girls, etc). It seems like he's aware of how you feel, so even if you let him come in at whatever time, he probably won't stay out all that late out of respect for you.

 

[Farida]

Anyway, now to be serious,

I don't mind my DH being out late every once in a while. Not all the time. He should just let me know in advance and tell me where he'll be at or who he would be with.

 

[hopeful]

Ain't nothin' open after 2 am but legs...

Anyway, now to be serious,

I don't mind my DH being out late every once in a while. Not all the time. He should just let me know in advance and tell me where he'll be at or who he would be with.

LOL when I read your first post I was like wow she's usually so thoughtful, glad you came back.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

yikes that late stuff is for the birds...
im not even married to SO and he DEFINITELY knows better...
he gets in at 9pm when I'm not at his house lol
i think its disrespectful, esp. if you have a child.
I mean, really... couldn't yall like play some music in the house and then have wild monkey sex afterwards? I mean... thats what I plan on doing when I get married and move in with the love of my life... i thought thats what the fun part is....
but then again... people that I don't know (aka the club) really aren't that fun to me...

 

[spelmanlocks]

Personally, I wouldn't want my husband out that late. I told my husband if he wants to stay out that late, then don't expect me to be at home when he gets there. Thankfully, we no longer have problems in this area. He does stay out late often, and 9 times out of 10 I am right there with him and we have a good time together too. Perhaps you all should have a good long talk about this and lay down some rules. You don't want to say its cool and then find yourself being upset after he does it.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

hmmm, i have mixed feelings about this. But ultimately I will say that your fear of him getting caught up can happen just as easily at 1am, rather than 6am, so this probably isn't a good reason to ban him from coming home late. My hubby recently started going out to his friends club and doing poetry readings, and he comes homes home early, like 11:30ish but if he decided he wanted to come home late then I would have to fully trust him (which i do), i would have to go visit the spot a few times to make sure the crowd is acceptable, we'd have to have a talk about boundaries, and then i'd be willing to give it a try. My hubby goes out probably once a month, and I am usually spending my "alone time" in the late evening, so it isn't like he's messing with our "our time" schedule. So i'd say go visit the place so u feel comfortable, tell him of your insecurities, and maybe try something like tell him you'd expect him to be home at 3:30 on a normal nite, but when he's really feelin it and need his "therapy", then it's ok to stay out longer. I think that's a fair compromise.

 

[Denise11]

I agree with this post, altho I beg to differ about the generalization about Italians. My husband doesnt stay out late often at all. We've discussed a respectful time to be home when hanging out, I dont care how much fun is popping off.
I think an agreement needs to be made before hand and stuck to. If not then its a problem, especially if I try to reach him and I dont get and answer. Not that I call my DH at all when he's out, he's the one thats usually calling me..

I don't know anything about italians.

The OP said that italians stays out late and that they are in Italy. So I assumed her husband was italian.

 

[JustKiya]

I would have to put out there he is not complaining at all. If I wanted him to be home by 12am he would break his neck to do so.
My change of heart comes with living in Italy and how late everything gets started especially the night life. By the time the DJ starts getting the party going it's time for him to leave so I don't get upset.

2nd reason: I landed a job so now I have an outlet too. With that I feel like my time is way too occupied on checking on what time DH comes home and maybe it's time for me to change my thinking from what my mom taught us(siblings) years ago. And now that I'm an adult I'm noticing my parents relationship is not so great either. Which brings up...

3rd reason:Mom is clingy and can't be alone and dad HAS/IS cheated. I should be happy that I got my DH to do what I want but damn, I don't want him to be unhappy. Of course when I asks him he says everything is good but eyes tells me something else.

What should I do?

For that bolded reason primarily, I think that you, as an adult and a wife, need to reassess your mothers 'words of wisdom' and decide if they apply. You can't reproduce your parent's relationship - and it sounds like you really wouldn't want to, either.

I've lived outside of the US (I'm thinking of Spain, right now), and yeah, if you were going out to hear music, the DJ might not show up until midnight, and the crowd isn't going good until 2am, and yes, there will be a party going on until the sun rises - that was just - normal. The idea of a party that started at 9pm - please. People are just sitting down to eat dinner at 9pm - and they still need to eat, change, drink a lil, and meet up before the party gets started. Kids parties started at 9pm - maybe. And half the guests wouldn't show up til 11, still!

So - from that POV - the late hours (in my mind) aren't an issue, because it's in a different culture. If he was in Brooklyn, it would be an entirely different thought pattern.

Do you have any issues with your DH being out that late besides 'it's going against what mama said'?? If you don't - I'd let the man enjoy his hiphop in non-clockchecking peace.

The way DH and I work things out - as we both refuse to 'clockwatch' on the other, is that we are expected to be home by midnight. If we opt to stay out later, we expect a phone call no later than 12:15, to let the other know that we are cool, and to give a rough estimate of when we think that we will be back home.

Maybe some of the other ladies don't have a collection of night-owl friends - there has been many a night I'm out past 2am, in places other than between someone's legs.

 

[Evolving78]

the locks would be changed. he would have to go right back where he came from. that is disrespectful and if he is having fun to the point where he is coming in with the sun, then that is where he needs to be.

 

[brownbeauty196]

Its totally disrespectful in my opinion. If it was a once in a blue moon thing I could accept it.(Dh doesnt do this at all so its not a problem for me) I work around a bunch of men and they brag how they met up with there jumpoffs(some nasty women who also work at the job) because their wifes "trust "them to hang out with the boys until 3 or 4am. Two of my coworkers even met up together, call there spouses (so they can hear the friend in the background) , the preceed to met the other women. But on the flip side cheating can happen at anytime of the day. Your man might come home straight from work everyday but could be getting from his coworker at work. You guys don't want to know what some of the grown women at my job do in the bathrooms and staircases, but thats another topic.

 

[Zaynab]

I think you should talk about boundaries and be mindful of complaining or nagging about it. That's only going to setup resentment on his issue and him feeling like "you're being his mom" There is a fine line between men feeling like that about their wives/women.

I'm sorta different in that I don't think you need to tell grown folks what to do-If you know your man you know what he is or isn't gonna do. And if you knew what I knew, more cheating actually goes on during the day than at 2am

My dh goes out but that's how he was before we got married- we are pretty social. We go out together, I go out with friends, vice versa. I He might go out 2-3x a month and it's usually to sit around drink, watch a game, hit a bar. I think the biggest thing is just talking about boundaries. I wouldn't feel comfortable with dh coming home @ 6am, but I wouldn't just say "no going out" b/c I wouldn't allow someone to tell me not to go somewhere. I also wouldn't set a "curfew" either, a phone call or text that you're gonna be out late. You're his wife, not his mom. It's good you're really trying to make sure you're handling the situation so he doesn't feel defensive or resentful.