If a man isn't hands-on with the kids is that divorce worthy?

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One of my besties, a new mom to a 4 month old was telling me how her DH does absolutely nothing. No feeding times, diaper changing or anything. She said if she leaves to go to a store it's a big discussion about it 1st and then if she's gone over said amount of time he's calling her like crazy. Well, for me I would be extremely frustrated considering I'm a person that has to get some sleep to be mobile.

I was discussing it with my cousin & SO yesterday and my cousin said she dealt with the same thing and that when the baby would cry she would have to take him in another room to silence him if her SO was watching TV or sleep b/c he would get annoyed. My SO, said he can't wait to be hands on and that the thought of just providing wasn't good enough. (Thank God :) ) But he made my cousin feel better by telling her that her SO prolly didn't know what to do and didn't want to hurt their child.

I'm wondering b/c I’ve seen a few posts around here somewhat close to what I mentioned above. So my question is, if he's paying bills etc. but he's totally hands off in the nurturing and care for the child, would that be grounds for divorce for you? Or would you wait it out until the kid is older when ur DH/SO can do the fun stuff like take him to get a hair cut or take her to the mall?

Oh and these are both working Moms.
 
Not grounds for divorce but men seem to think that they will hurt the baby being that they are so small
 
That must be the question of the week because my son asked me something similar Sunday morning.

If my husband wasn't hands on with my kids I would divorce him, yes.
 
I've seen men that are good with infants/babies as the exception rather than the rule Sometimes it just takes the child growing up a bit, where they're more comfortable interacting with the person, without the responsibility for watching and being accountable for the childs every move. Most men cannot multi-task.
 
Not grounds for a divorce. Before we were married my kids father tried to pull this mess.

I would just leave him alone with the baby for hours at a time and tell him to get used to it. He did.
 
I would say yeah. If you are just going to give a lil money, but do nothing else...well essentially that would make me a single parent and I am going to need you to get out from underfoot.

I wish you would try to ask me to leave the room when the baby is crying. I would leave, after I put the baby in your lap. *kisses teef*

Men that are hands off make me VERY nervous. Why you so scared of your own child? Um, you had SEVERAL months to pick up a book, buy a doll, something. Effort, I demand an effort.
 
Case of single married parents.... What's the point? If you have to do everything yourself in raising a child, what's the point in being married?
 
Well, if she is doing everything anyway, what does she need him for? I would divorce him! She might as well, bcome a single mom in the truest sense.
 
shinyblackhair said:
Well, if she is doing everything anyway, what does she need him for? I would divorce him! She might as well, bcome a single mom in the truest sense.
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I guess the financial assistance and help with the bills. Not to mention I'm sure these type of men are still hands on with the wife.
 
I also think it helps to understand different backgrounds. My mother came from a home where my grandfather did nothing but work and cut grass. My father wasn't hands on with us.

I remember when I was having my son. And they were about to wheel me into the operating room, my husband (then BF) was going in with me. My mother told them to stop and asked me "Dee this is your decision, who do you want in there with you?" (I could only have one person in there with me, I guess because my son was a premie) Making me choose between my childs father and my mother. I told her "If I have to choose, I choose for my sons father to witness his birth." Her feelings were hurt but I think that set the tone for me and my husbands relationship.
 
My mom and I had a talk about this one time and she said a few things actually...
1) A lot of men are selfish ( I won't say all) and not help

2) A lot of men are jealous of the rlp that mother and baby have, when perhaps HE was the one getting all the attention....again, another reason not to help

3) As someone mentioned, he may not know what to do, so just stays away

Solution (according to my mother): Make (let) the man help. Give him tasks to do to help with the baby. If the baby is crying, give the baby to HIM. If the baby needs feeding, make the bottle and let HIM feed the baby. Eventually, he'll get used to helping and know what to do and will actually enjoy doing it. Just my $.02

ETA: I don't think it's grounds for divorce. Just show the man how to care for the baby. I think that if both people wanted the baby, there should be NO reason he shouldn't been helping.
 
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I have a friend who's been married to her DH for over 20 years and he's rarely been hands on. She does everything for her children. They have boys and he doesn't take them anywhere, spend time with them, play ball with them--nothing!! It really breaks my heart because she has very well-mannered, respectful children--he should be really proud of them.

One of the reasons I married DH is because I knew he's be an involved parent--and we have girls.
 
I think divorcing over one issue is a little extreme IMO. There would be a lot of serious discussions about what was expected before I would consider divorce.

I think that child rearing is both parents responsibility and that each person should do their share. In my family, I shouldered the heavier burden during infancy because I chose not to bottlefeed any of my children and I never worked during the first year. Dh did other stuff with them to form a bond and participate in the childcare (baths, solid food feedings, entertaining them,etc) He even made up this song that he used on each kid to get them to sleep when they were babies...He would just change the name in the song with each kid:lol:

Once each child got over a year old, I would say it was more 50/50 for us. I do think it is harder for men to learn their "way" with babies but they will never learn if the woman does everything all the time. If she keeps letting him get away with it, then the more uncomfortable he will be with the idea of doing any of the childcare.
 
I don't know if I'd divorce him, but you best believe babe would be an only child. :nono:

And saying that 'men don't know what to do' is an out. There are a lot of women whose first diaper change was done on their first child - you don't see them leaving the kid in their own waste. Nah, they figure out how the hell to do it. Men have a big arse brain and two hands just like we do. Umph.
 
This is a really good question. We have to keep in mind, especially as women - that everything our daughters come to learn, know, think accept and expect from/about a man...she will likely learn via the relationship with her father.

A father is the standard bearer for his daughter. So if her father is mostly indifferent, uninvolved, etc - it will manifest in how she seeks attention from other men and what she ultimately settles for.

Same with boys, he will be what he sees.
 
I would.

Only because, knowing me, I'd resent him. Really? We did this amazing thing by having a baby and here you are saying that I'm on my own?

I would think my husband is a punk and would probably divorce. It isn't fair to me, which I could probably deal with. But it isn;t fair to our child which I CANNOT stand for.
 
My DH kinda tried this when we had our first DD. He was basically helping when he felt like it. And if he didn't feel like it (which was most of the time), he copped an attitude. I told that negro, that I didn't make this baby by myself and so I won't be doing everything by myself. And if you don't want to help, than I an going back home to Miami because I know that my family won't have any problem helping me. Never had a problem since.
 
No, that's not grounds for divorce. Child-rearing/parenting should be discussed in advance.

Now, if he talked a good game, then turned out to be uninvolved, I'd do like another poster and just leave the baby with him for hours. Fatherhood training is what I'd call it. :yep:
 
Interesting responses. Should a man divorce a woman because she won't cook? Doesn't clean to his satisfaction? Doesn't have sex as much as he'd like?

These are all issues that can be fixed with enough communication and commitment. Now, I would separate from a man who refused to communicate or work on any issues we had. That's the bigger issue, IMO.
 
Southernbella. said:
Interesting responses. Should a man divorce a woman because she won't cook? Doesn't clean to his satisfaction? Doesn't have sex as much as he'd like?

These are all issues that can be fixed with enough communication and commitment. Now, I would separate from a man who refused to communicate or work on any issues we had. That's the bigger issue, IMO.
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Nooooooo.

But, at the same time, oddly enough, I have slightly lower standards/expectations when it comes to holding up your 'end' of the 'agreement' when it comes to adults than when it comes to children. And I agree - parenting decisions should be discussed before there is a child in the picture.

I think that being a crappy father is a bigger downfall in a man than being a crappy husband, and I think being a crappy mother is a bigger downfall in a woman than being a crappy wife.

So, while I would be willing to 'work with' a man who is slow on picking up how I liked to be dicked down, or one who simply doesn't understand the concept of removing dirt from surfaces, or one who burned more than he cooked - I'd be much slower to be willing to work with a man who demands that our crying child and I leave the room so he won't be disturbed, or who hands a foul-bottomed baby to me to clean.
 
Yep, it very well may be divorce worthy for me. I believe all things in marriage are a partnership. I'm not going to do all the cooking, cleaning and raising of the kids. This is not 1950, I work 8+ hrs a day just like my husband. He helped make this kid, he's darn sure going to help raise her. I knew Dh would make a good hands on father, that's part of the reason I married him.
 
chocolat79 said:
My mom and I had a talk about this one time and she said a few things actually...
1) A lot of men are selfish ( I won't say all) and not help

2) A lot of men are jealous of the rlp that mother and baby have, when perhaps HE was the one getting all the attention....again, another reason not to help

3) As someone mentioned, he may not know what to do, so just stays away

Solution (according to my mother): Make (let) the man help. Give him tasks to do to help with the baby. If the baby is crying, give the baby to HIM. If the baby needs feeding, make the bottle and let HIM feed the baby. Eventually, he'll get used to helping and know what to do and will actually enjoy doing it. Just my $.02

ETA: I don't think it's grounds for divorce. Just show the man how to care for the baby. I think that if both people wanted the baby, there should be NO reason he shouldn't been helping.
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I really think the bolded is what makes me the most nervous. One of my really good friends from college had the same issue with her husband and he killed the baby.
 
Southernbella. said:
Interesting responses. Should a man divorce a woman because she won't cook? Doesn't clean to his satisfaction? Doesn't have sex as much as he'd like?

These are all issues that can be fixed with enough communication and commitment. Now, I would separate from a man who refused to communicate or work on any issues we had. That's the bigger issue, IMO.
Click to expand...

Should a man divorce a woman because she won't cook?
No. Men are innately built to survive, he could learn to cook, make a sandwich, go to grandma's house etc.

Doesn't clean to his satisfaction?
Hell naw. If she's not as tidy as he would like her to be he should offer suggestions on where he feels as tho' she is lacking. (Ex: Babe next time clean behind the toilet and align the toiletries under the sink)


Doesn't have sex as much as he'd like?
Yes, if he feels as tho' the alternative is to cheat.



As it relates to the topic I think parenting hands down is a double responsibility and this isn't in part to the marriage or an extra benefit of being a wife. This isn’t an expectation that I would have for a Husband but an expectation for any man that creates a child.

If I was arguing with my Husband about being more hands on with the kids and he yelled back that I need to work on my potato salad…then we don’t need to be together.
 
JustKiya said:
Nooooooo.

But, at the same time, oddly enough, I have slightly lower standards/expectations when it comes to holding up your 'end' of the 'agreement' when it comes to adults than when it comes to children. And I agree - parenting decisions should be discussed before there is a child in the picture.

I think that being a crappy father is a bigger downfall in a man than being a crappy husband, and I think being a crappy mother is a bigger downfall in a woman than being a crappy wife.

So, while I would be willing to 'work with' a man who is slow on picking up how I liked to be dicked down, or one who simply doesn't understand the concept of removing dirt from surfaces, or one who burned more than he cooked - I'd be much slower to be willing to work with a man who demands that our crying child and I leave the room so he won't be disturbed, or who hands a foul-bottomed baby to me to clean.
Click to expand...

I see what you're saying, but to me, it seems completely counter-productive to go from being married to a man who doesn't help much to being divorced with no help at all. How is that better for the child? Yeah, at 3 months, he may not change diapers or get up in the middle of the night, and it may piss you off, but are you (general) really willing to sacrifice the next 17 years of fatherhood because he hasn't "gotten it" yet?

Men can be trained to be fathers, just like they can be trained to clean or make love or anything else. My dh was never completely hands off, but he pulled that 'calling and asking how long I'd be gone because he was oh so exhausted from being with the kids for an hour' routine a time or two. You just have to let them know, in no uncertain terms, what you expect.

I guess I'm thinking that if he was a good enough man to marry, and a good enough man to have a baby with, then he's a good enough man to sit down and communicate with, rather than calling it a day because he hasn't immediately taken to fatherhood.

The friend in the OP needs to have a sit down. It sounds like she's been accepting this behavior. Her dh, like any human, is doing what he's doing because he's getting away with it.:yep:
 
I think that if he's all excited about having the baby and then realizes that the kid is alot of work, and then decides to dump the responsibility on me, the mother, then that is grounds for divorce, esp. if I'm a working mom. Marriage is a partnership, and I'm not picking up the slack for someone who can't be bothered.

belledomnik said:
I really think the bolded is what makes me the most nervous. One of my really good friends from college had the same issue with her husband and he killed the baby.
Click to expand...

:blush: WTH? Did he always have murderous tendencies? Did that come up out of the blue?
Is he in psychiatric? Jail? What happened?
 
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