If a man isn't hands-on with the kids is that divorce worthy?

[jada1111]

One of my besties, a new mom to a 4 month old was telling me how her DH does absolutely nothing. No feeding times, diaper changing or anything. She said if she leaves to go to a store it's a big discussion about it 1st and then if she's gone over said amount of time he's calling her like crazy. Well, for me I would be extremely frustrated considering I'm a person that has to get some sleep to be mobile.

I was discussing it with my cousin & SO yesterday and my cousin said she dealt with the same thing and that when the baby would cry she would have to take him in another room to silence him if her SO was watching TV or sleep b/c he would get annoyed. My SO, said he can't wait to be hands on and that the thought of just providing wasn't good enough. (Thank God ) But he made my cousin feel better by telling her that her SO prolly didn't know what to do and didn't want to hurt their child.

I'm wondering b/c I’ve seen a few posts around here somewhat close to what I mentioned above. So my question is, if he's paying bills etc. but he's totally hands off in the nurturing and care for the child, would that be grounds for divorce for you? Or would you wait it out until the kid is older when ur DH/SO can do the fun stuff like take him to get a hair cut or take her to the mall?

Oh and these are both working Moms.

In many cultures men don't wash, feed or change the baby. Sometimes things are just the way they are.

Now, I think I'd have a problem if the sound of my (OUR) baby crying would send him in a tizzy where I would have to leave the room. Yeah, we'd have major issues behind that, because I wouldn't trust him around my kid. God forbid, I need to run to the store for a quick minute to get something and find my baby in a coma from shaken baby syndrome, then he would have to die.

Then again, I would have no one to blame but MYSELF behind this, because the warning signs were there. I chose to ignore them.

 

[Leesh]

OP do you know what type of conversations were had in regards to parenting and child rearing before she got pregnant?

You know Gymfreak, I was just thinking the same thing, in order to truly assess the situation, You have to know what their plans were, it could be a situation where, the Baby was a surprise for both of them, and may have knocked them off their feet, or maybe, He may not have ever wanted to be a Father, Now don't get Me wrong, that by Know means negates the fact, but it may be more then We as outsiders may know. It could be numerous reasons why He acts this way, He may have come from a Family that was not hands-on, and this is what Hes used to, You never know!

 

[locabouthair]

Nooooooo.

But, at the same time, oddly enough, I have slightly lower standards/expectations when it comes to holding up your 'end' of the 'agreement' when it comes to adults than when it comes to children. And I agree - parenting decisions should be discussed before there is a child in the picture.

I think that being a crappy father is a bigger downfall in a man than being a crappy husband, and I think being a crappy mother is a bigger downfall in a woman than being a crappy wife.

Exactly. I had a deadbeat for a father and I expect my future DH to involved with our kids. I would give him a chance to come around but after a while I would probably leave.

What would be the point? I know how I am and I would end up resenting him and I wouldnt even want to be around him so we'd basically be roommates anyway

 

[winterinatl]

What's the more attractive man, the one who provides well financially and has everything else going for him but the fact he is not hands on;'

or

the broke dude who is very supportive and hands on?

 

[Zaynab]

Dang ya'll are harsh up in here Divorce, because he's not helping out with a four month old baby ? Come on now. What if he divorced her because her sex was bad or she didn't clean up beacuse really that's IMO about the same thing.

My dh was pretty good with the babies, helping as in, bringing them to me to nurse, changing diapers but I don't think he knew what to do or what I expected until I asked. He was nervous being alone with our first son initially but I didn't make a big deal out of it. I also was nursing so there wasn't alot of time for him to be "hands on" initially.

As my children have gotten older, I probably am more responsible for them simply because I'm around more. Dh works like 80 hours a week, I'm here with them during the week but I don't begrudge him for not being able to do some things. The point is, when he's around he tries to be hands on. If I started complaining about why he didn't make it to the PTA meeting, he's going to say he was out making the mortgage payment

I have to say too, I don't know what women mean when they say "hands on" Men aren't about the details, you have to realize. That's what moms do IMO. I know if the kids are sick, and IF I let dh take them to the dr alone, he would ask no questions and come back with no info, like "they're well now". Men are more concerned about the overall comfort and if this new baby is being taken care of financially, etc.

I would talk to him about her concerns. I know how it is as a new mom, you're trying to figure things out, but she should talk to him and not be shrill about it, Just explain to him she expects him to do more.

 

[Zaynab]

What's the more attractive man, the one who provides well financially and has everything else going for him but the fact he is not hands on;'

or

the broke dude who is very supportive and hands on?

You don't even have to ask me

 

[Zaynab]

So yeah, I don't agree with all this divorce talk. Every OOW thread on this board has some stats about how children with two parents, even if one is sucky, do better than children with only one parent. Every cheating thread has several women for whom cheating isn't a dealbreaker. Cheating vs. diapers, cheating vs. diapers...hmmmmm...

I know right? I'm like GTFOHWTB People don't answer these threads truthfully, everyone is like "yeah I'd do this and that". So...is this another instance where it's fine to be willlfully be a single parent? And let folks tell it, there are no BM out there to marrry, so you find one to marry and he everything else is fine with him but now you're divorcing him about changing diapers and he's not helping with child-rearing?

Ya'll couldn't have lived in my marriage for these 10 years I don't mean to be dismissive but there are so many more important things you have to deal with in a marriage. Ya;ll go sit inthe corner with that for real.

 

[Zaynab]

How were his parent(s) with him as a child? Does she know? It goes back to my comment on the first page, that a man will be what he sees....even when it comes to parenting styles.

I always say this "what they see they will be". My dh has always struggled with what his expectations were of being a husband and father, he's got it down pat now but it took him some years He sincerely wanted to be good in this role but by not having either of those figures in his life....welll it's not easy. If you don't know, you don't know.

I say again, I don't know if I'd go back and marry a man that wasn't raised with two parents. But that's the other other

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

IMO.....

First...I have to ask him why...and honestly I would/could respect it...I have to find out why and if there is an underlying issue as their are too many women who leave their babies with SO's/DH's and come back...baby has been thrown against the wall, shaken, thrown in ditches/holes in the ground, beaten.......I have to know why he feels that he can't be involved and if its because he doesn't trust himself...1. he needs help 2. he won't be alone with my child until of older age...but, if its a crock of sh*t..I ain't divorcing but he gonna feel just as terrible along with them terrible twos...

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I can't speak to a man that is bothered by his child crying or will leave a baby sitting in poop, that speaks to a larger issue (along the lines of what JustKiya was saying)

What I will say in regards to the overall topic of hands off dads and divorce is this: I think when you are in a marriage, raising multiple kids *over time*(not just taking care of a baby because that is a teeny tiny amount of the parenting one will do) you can see the full range of issues that come into play when it comes to child rearing. Like I said before, dh is an active parent but there are many things related to the kids that *I* plan, am aware of, make decisions about etc. It's the natural flow of things...I don't sit around and say hmph! if I have to make one more dentist/doc appt that's it!SMH

When you have an infant, diapers and feedings are EVERYTHING but as your children get older you will see that parenting becomes an even more complex job that involves teaching, guidance, discipline, scheduling, planning, emotional support etc.

All of these things help contribute to raising an emotionally healthy, stable human being that will contribute to society in a positive way. How are you going to know if your dh will be good at these other *very* important aspects of parenting if you drop him like a hot potato because he balks at diaper changing?

A healthy, stable person in a strong marriage will be willing to put in the effort to be a better father/dad. So for example, a man that isn't a natural at being a father may need to go outside of his comfort zone and learn how to pat a baby to sleep, figure out how to hold a newborn right, and clean a baby girl properly after a poopy diaper. If you have a man that isn't willing to put in the effort to help you or be a more involved parent... 9 times out of 10, the red flags about his character were pretty darn obvious before you laid down with him and got knocked up

 

[FlowerHair]

The thing about leaving the room just because the baby is crying would upset me a lot. That's just not right, especially if I'm working full time and the only one taking care of the baby

BUTTTTTTTTT...divorcing a man after having only been parents for 4 months is way too rushed a decision! I don't understand how you guys can give that type of advice? Life is long. Don't rush decisions that you can't take back.

I would "communicate" my feelings to him and make him take care of the baby. Like someone said, leave the house for a couple of hours and turn off the phone. Say that you're going to a spa and there are no phones allowed.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

I agree with sbella 100%.
Now the OP mentioned that dh#1 had no prob wanting to leave an 8 yr old home alone. Dw #1 missed the signs in my opinion.
But for both the friend and cousin I think they missed the mark on communicating their expectations when they had the kids talk.
Could the issue for both man be deeper than what's on the surface?
I think some real communication is needed on both part and expectations need to be laid out. Though we females don't think it's needed guys think differently than us. Common sense is not common to all.

 

[Ganjababy]

I am married- no kids. I already told my husband beofre we got married that if we were to be blessed with kids that he would have to be hands on otherwise we will not be having any kids.

If after we have a child he is not hands on then we would have to go to counselling. If that does not work I would consider breaking up if it was really bad.

One of my besties, a new mom to a 4 month old was telling me how her DH does absolutely nothing. No feeding times, diaper changing or anything. She said if she leaves to go to a store it's a big discussion about it 1st and then if she's gone over said amount of time he's calling her like crazy. Well, for me I would be extremely frustrated considering I'm a person that has to get some sleep to be mobile.

I was discussing it with my cousin & SO yesterday and my cousin said she dealt with the same thing and that when the baby would cry she would have to take him in another room to silence him if her SO was watching TV or sleep b/c he would get annoyed. My SO, said he can't wait to be hands on and that the thought of just providing wasn't good enough. (Thank God ) But he made my cousin feel better by telling her that her SO prolly didn't know what to do and didn't want to hurt their child.

I'm wondering b/c I’ve seen a few posts around here somewhat close to what I mentioned above. So my question is, if he's paying bills etc. but he's totally hands off in the nurturing and care for the child, would that be grounds for divorce for you? Or would you wait it out until the kid is older when ur DH/SO can do the fun stuff like take him to get a hair cut or take her to the mall?

Oh and these are both working Moms.

 

[taz007]

Wow, at some of these responses! No, I would not divorce my DH for not changing a couple of diapers. But, I would take SERIOUS issue if he felt that he did not have to help.

My DH changed/fed/etc my kids MORE often than I did. Now, at 5 years old, you should see the bond that he has with his boys and it definitely made our marriage stronger. And this from a man that no experience with babies/kids.

I don't buy the argument that men don't have it in them.

 

[anon123]

Whoa! That sounds crazy, OP. Especially given the fact that she has to work outside the home, too. So it's fine for him to chill after a day of work, but he can't provide that to his wife sometimes? I don't know if it's grounds for divorce, but it definitely sounds like he's not living up to his fatherly or husbandly duties. And I can't believe people are comparing that to cooking or sexing Raising another helpless human being seems about 10x bigger than those things.

I can't remember my infancy, of course, but my father was very hands-on for as long as I can remember. He worked at a health center and so took me to my doctor's appts. (though I don't know who made them). He played with me. He got me dressed, he picked me up from school, he took me to the park, he even combed my hair sometimes (ouch, daddy!). So I guess my expectations for fathers are quite high. What level of disregard does he have for his wife's well-being and his relationship with his child to not help at all? Wow.

 

[newbiemom]

Yes I would divorce him. Part of the reason I got married was to start a family if he doesn't want to be an active part of that then he doesn't want an active part in our marraige and has to go. But I would try councelling first.

 

[*5+5]

I see where some of you see divorce as overkill but what’s a marriage when you’re harboring resentment and can’t share the responsibilities with your husband on something you created together?

You guys totally lose me on how food/cleanliness/sex runs parallel with changing diapers and feeding times. Not that it’s not a legit comparison, I just can’t see it. A child is totally dependent on their parents for all care spouses are not.

My Dad didn't give us baths or place barrettes in our hair, but he was very hands-on and b/c of that I have a lot of great memories I can recount. Like were my Dad picked me up from school when I was sick. When I had stripped throat how my dad made me a bowl of ice water and would bring it to me through out the night. For me, looking back I'm glad to know it wasn't always mommy to the rescue.

 

[simone103]

I think you have to determine what's important to you before you go into a marriage. For some people sexual chemistry, financial stability, etc... is important for them to stay married, for others not so much. What are deal breakers in relationships vary from person to person, and shouldn't be discounted.

But, to answer your question OP, if I communicated my concerns to my husband about his lack of involvement/nurturing with the kids and he refused to change - then yes I would divorce him.

 

[locabouthair]

I see where some of you see divorce as overkill but what’s a marriage when you’re harboring resentment and can’t share the responsibilities with your husband on something you created together?

You guys totally lose me on how food/cleanliness/sex runs parallel with changing diapers and feeding times. Not that it’s not a legit comparison, I just can’t see it. A child is totally dependent on their parents for all care spouses are not.

My Dad didn't give us baths or place barrettes in our hair, but he was very hands-on and b/c of that I have a lot of great memories I can recount. Like were my Dad picked me up from school when I was sick. When I had stripped throat how my dad made me a bowl of ice water and would bring it to me through out the night. For me, looking back I'm glad to know it wasn't always mommy to the rescue.

Thank you. I didnt understand how you could even compare the two.

I agree with trying to work things out but lets say this behavior continued for YEARS, people still would put up with that?

Thats one of the reasons I'm reluctant to have kids because sometimes its seems like even though you're married, it's like your raising the child yourself.

 

[Lady Esquire]

The best parental advice I've heard was that we all, both men and women, have periods when we are our best and worst. Some dads are great when they are newborns and horrible with teen age kids. Some moms are great with toddlers but terrible with grown kids.

IMO, it is a little too soon to be signing papers. But she should communicate this to him. Does he have a dad, older male figure or friends that are good dads who can talk to him too?

 

[Dak]

The best parental advice I've heard was that we all, both men and women, have periods when we are our best and worst. Some dads are great when they are newborns and horrible with teen age kids. Some moms are great with toddlers but terrible with grown kids.

I totally agree. Babies really intimidate some men, but they go on and become excellent hands on fathers as the children get older.

 

[Lady Esquire]

DH is very hands-on, in fact, at night HE wakes up to feed or change Sebastien, because I am with the kids most of the day cooking, cleaning, and running them around town with events. He actually looks forward to time he spends with Seb, our youngest child. I remember with our first, he was a bit afraid to handle her when she was a fresh NB, but over time he grew into his fatherhood role.

I say handle this with care. Or just one day, leave him alone with the baby. All of this is instinctual. He'll do what he has to do, especially if you're not around to jump in.

 

[Zaynab]

I see where some of you see divorce as overkill but what’s a marriage when you’re harboring resentment and can’t share the responsibilities with your husband on something you created together?

You guys totally lose me on how food/cleanliness/sex runs parallel with changing diapers and feeding times. Not that it’s not a legit comparison, I just can’t see it. A child is totally dependent on their parents for all care spouses are not.

My Dad didn't give us baths or place barrettes in our hair, but he was very hands-on and b/c of that I have a lot of great memories I can recount. Like were my Dad picked me up from school when I was sick. When I had stripped throat how my dad made me a bowl of ice water and would bring it to me through out the night. For me, looking back I'm glad to know it wasn't always mommy to the rescue.

She expects him to change diapers, etc and he may expect those things in return. I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying if the issue of it was major enough on each side,regardless it breeds resentment.

 

[ladysaraii]

She expects him to change diapers, etc and he may expect those things in return. I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying if the issue of it was major enough on each side,regardless it breeds resentment.

Yes, but in the case of the baby chores, it puts a hardship on the mom and the child (who can't help itself) suffers. Not so in the other cases. I get your point which is why communication and being upfront with expectations can prevent/solve a lot of problems, but its a whole different issue

 

[Leesh]

And I can't believe people are comparing that to cooking or sexing Raising another helpless human being seems about 10x bigger than those things..

You could not have said this better My Dear!

 

[Leesh]

DH is very hands-on, in fact, at night HE wakes up to feed or change Sebastien, because I am with the kids most of the day cooking, cleaning, and running them around town with events. He actually looks forward to time he spends with Seb, our youngest child. I remember with our first, he was a bit afraid to handle her when she was a fresh NB, but over time he grew into his fatherhood role.

I say handle this with care. Or just one day, leave him alone with the baby. All of this is instinctual. He'll do what he has to do, especially if you're not around to jump in.

Lady E, I am Loving that name, Its So "Regal"! Good Choice!
Sorry Yall, didn't try to HiJack!

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

It wouldn't be the CAUSE of divorce, but it would be a CAUSAL link in the divorce.
I say this because if I am doing everything for our child and he is doing nothing, I would become resentful.
I'd stop/half-do the cleaning and cooking
I wouldnt want him to touch me sexually (out of tiredness and being mentally turned off)
and I would probably keep an attitude.
All of this would probably be subconscious.
This would then create an open door for resentment, arguments, unfulfillment and the desire to welcome infidelity (on both parts)

The best advice my grandaddy gave my man was that "If Momma's happy, EVERYBODY is happy"

 

[Lady Esquire]

Dang ya'll are harsh up in here Divorce, because he's not helping out with a four month old baby ? Come on now. What if he divorced her because her sex was bad or she didn't clean up beacuse really that's IMO about the same thing.

My dh was pretty good with the babies, helping as in, bringing them to me to nurse, changing diapers but I don't think he knew what to do or what I expected until I asked. He was nervous being alone with our first son initially but I didn't make a big deal out of it. I also was nursing so there wasn't alot of time for him to be "hands on" initially.

As my children have gotten older, I probably am more responsible for them simply because I'm around more. Dh works like 80 hours a week, I'm here with them during the week but I don't begrudge him for not being able to do some things. The point is, when he's around he tries to be hands on. If I started complaining about why he didn't make it to the PTA meeting, he's going to say he was out making the mortgage payment

I have to say too, I don't know what women mean when they say "hands on" Men aren't about the details, you have to realize. That's what moms do IMO. I know if the kids are sick, and IF I let dh take them to the dr alone, he would ask no questions and come back with no info, like "they're well now". Men are more concerned about the overall comfort and if this new baby is being taken care of financially, etc.

I would talk to him about her concerns. I know how it is as a new mom, you're trying to figure things out, but she should talk to him and not be shrill about it, Just explain to him she expects him to do more.

Zaynab, you always come in and tell it. I rarely have a difference of opinion with you. The shrill part is a HUGE one.

It took DH a while to be "hands-on" and I am using that term loosely. He dotes on our last one, but that's after 10 years of practice, plus he's a boy.

OP, talk to your man...and give these types of things time. Everyone's parental insticts don't kick in or manifest at the same pace. If he's a good provider and has all of the other qualities that led you to marry him, then communicate this and give him room to grow into this role.

I also find that over time, DH will most likely surprise you in the oddest situations, and will pick up your parental slack in other areas. So it balances out and he'll true it up over the course of this journey.

 

[Southernbella.]

Yes, but in the case of the baby chores, it puts a hardship on the mom and the child (who can't help itself) suffers. Not so in the other cases. I get your point which is why communication and being upfront with expectations can prevent/solve a lot of problems, but its a whole different issue

The child only suffers if the mom refuses to do it. So again, it's really just about the mother and her annoyance with the father.

 

[taz007]

The child only suffers if the mom refuses to do it. So again, it's really just about the mother and her annoyance with the father.

I understand if the mother refuses but what if she can't? Such as right after a c-section?

I don't personally know of any woman that refuses to take care of the baby, but I do know of a few male acquaintances (not friends) that have done so. I have a problem with that and very glad that was not my problem.

I say, if they both work, they both must pitch in for the sake of the children that they both created.

Why would any man/father want it any other way? What does that teach their sons?