I really need advice on FH

[nappystorm]

He shouts more than likely cause he is trying to be to you what every other adult woman wants and you are still acting like a child. You should move along, until you grow up because when you treat an adult like a child it becomes "abusive" thats not fair to you or him... just my opinion...
I think you act like a child because you think its acceptable to do things while drunk and not take another persons feelings into considerations. i think you act like a child because you cant appreciate the fact that a man wants to be "all up under you" - this is someone you are engaged to ... crazy... how else is he supposed to be... You are a child because you still value friendships with other men and you really beleive that men want to be "friends" with you hahahaha.... Im just saying... you told me all this... im not making it up... i sound real mean... but this is yours and another persons major life decision and it sounds like you need more time to play... aint nuthin wrong with it, go play... you are probably going to regret it----> MAYBE NOT.....

Look here, OP. It sound like you're in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Abusive is more than just hitting. The majority of the damage is psychological and emotional.

I was in one. I was yelled at, belittled, ridiculed, taunted, etc. He was extremely jealous and controlling. Not only that, he was really manipulative. It started small and escalated over time. He would play the nice loving boyfriend in public and treat me like crap when we were alone.

For example, one day he cursed me out, threatened to take my car if I didn't come with him and threatened to rape me when we got home. I pretended to get gas and went in the store and called the police. Understandable by the time they got there, I was hysterical. He made it seem he was the nice guy, I was a drama queen and we would "work it out".

I was just as broken, jaded, bitter, and depressed as a someone who is physically abused. He had me believing I was unworthy and that I somehow "deserved" that treatment. Not only that but I'm still working on trying to forgive myself for being in that situation and praying for forgiveness for hating and wishing sorrow on him.

You need to let this go. It's NOT okay for a man to control you or yell at you.

 

[Strangefruittree]

About FH: He's very loving, supportive and a great provider. He takes care of me and protects me from everything, and I don't have a want in the world. Since I got laid off, he's really stepped up to the plate and pays for everything just about. He's about to land a huge promotion and he's a hard-working black man who loves black women a lot. Basically from the outside, seems like an all-around great guy. He's soon to be 28.

how can he be both loving and supportive if he is abusive and controlling. something doesnt quite add up. Maybe my perspective is skewed because I come from a family of mostly men and i watch them grow in their relationships and i hear their side of what can happen as well. i also know my personal experience and growth in being a person in a relationship with another. I have never know any man in a monagamus realtionship to want his significant other to have male friends. I KNOW of many relationships where couples play hooky to just lounge with each other. I also know that perception of how one expresses their emotions can be skewed particularly if a person is looking for a way out, is not on board with the other or can describe a person loving and supportive and abusive and controlling at the same time... I am not there so I dont know if his shouts come with name calling if there is any validation in the expression or the frequency of it. I know that there was a point in my life and i have seen this point in others where their sensitivity to another's expression is not valid. How can a shout from a loving caring person make you cry... no matter which way you put it, she should not be in this relationship... it does not good for either party involved. i do not condone emotional abuse passive or outright. but my perception maybe skewed as well... Not all men are abusers and not all women are victims...


I was in a very similar scenario, wasnt ready.... All my actions in the realtionship... in retrospect were not fostering a bond with my significant other at the time... instead the little things that i wanted to do- which were not all good for me- but things i needed to do - prolly just cause i felt i was loosing the option to do it were putting a wedge inbetween us. If i was grown woman then... i would have just left instead of benefiting from being with a man inimatley like that. He is thinking we are building, he is thinking about having children and trying deperately to get me on board... Flip that scenario, if a women is screaming and throwing fits to try to perserve her relationship with a man who is waffling... she may be irate, out of sorts, possibly irrational but not abusive... Thats a big word and its gets thrown at guys too much... thats all im saying

 

[Strangefruittree]

And what I mean when you treat an adult like a child it can become abusive- that is what i mean about perception... I use to think when people told me things about myself- observations and if they said it in a particular way, that they were abusing me... not realizing that i am the one who controls how i perceive whats said to me and i also very much in control with who i have around me. When i was a child and was told these things it was out of love... Example... If my dad told me as a child, "girl this room is a mess, why would you keep this room so messy, dont you know better than that, havent i taught you better than that. Clean this up, we cant live like this, i pay the bills and you have been here all day and there are dishes in the sink....yadda yadda yadda" If my husband told me that as a grown women, it seems there would be many people on board on some, oo girl he is abusing you you gotta leave... meanwhile he could be huffing and puffing rightfully so.... You shouldnt have to tell another adult these things and when you do its often looked at as abusive

 

[LovelyPiratess]

how can he be both loving and supportive if he is abusive and controlling. something doesnt quite add up.

Excuse me if I'm incorrect but isn't that how most abusive men act? They want you to believe that they are loving, supportive, the "perfect man" when in reality they are actually the complete opposite. That is how many women decided to stay in abusive relationships b/c these men put on this "loving" facade and manipulate the women into thinking that the abuse is a one time thing.

OP, I would definitely reconsider your relationship with this man. Not only are you young and been in a relationship most of your formative lives, but it seems it is only a small step from him to go from emotionally/verbally abusive to physically abusive.

 

[awhyley]

And what I mean when you treat an adult like a child it can become abusive- that is what i mean about perception... I use to think when people told me things about myself- observations and if they said it in a particular way, that they were abusing me... not realizing that i am the one who controls how i perceive whats said to me and i also very much in control with who i have around me. When i was a child and was told these things it was out of love... Example... If my dad told me as a child, "girl this room is a mess, why would you keep this room so messy, dont you know better than that, havent i taught you better than that. Clean this up, we cant live like this, i pay the bills and you have been here all day and there are dishes in the sink....yadda yadda yadda" If my husband told me that as a grown women, it seems there would be many people on board on some, oo girl he is abusing you you gotta leave... meanwhile he could be huffing and puffing rightfully so.... You shouldnt have to tell another adult these things and when you do its often looked at as abusive

I still don't feel as if you can compare the two. I haven't read this thread straight through, but I'm feeling that he's NOT shouting at her for her best interests. And if he's angry enough to make her cry, he's has totally crossed the line. OP should not be marrying him, esp. not if he plans on continuing this behavior.

 

[Mortons]

I think you need to get out because your heart was not in it. I'm gonna do something I rarely do and not rag on hin because I myself can be a shouter. An extremely sensitive person probably codnt deal with me. You all just don't seem compatible

Sent from my SPH-M910 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[Strangefruittree]

Excuse me if I'm incorrect but isn't that how most abusive men act? They want you to believe that they are loving, supportive, the "perfect man" when in reality they are actually the complete opposite. That is how many women decided to stay in abusive relationships b/c these men put on this "loving" facade and manipulate the women into thinking that the abuse is a one time thing.

OP, I would definitely reconsider your relationship with this man. Not only are you young and been in a relationship most of your formative lives, but it seems it is only a small step from him to go from emotionally/verbally abusive to physically abusive.

Once I see a person does not have my best interest at heart- I cant attach to wonderful qualities to them with out creating MAJOR space and possibly time inbetween us

 

[nappystorm]

Excuse me if I'm incorrect but isn't that how most abusive men act? They want you to believe that they are loving, supportive, the "perfect man" when in reality they are actually the complete opposite. That is how many women decided to stay in abusive relationships b/c these men put on this "loving" facade and manipulate the women into thinking that the abuse is a one time thing.

OP, I would definitely reconsider your relationship with this man. Not only are you young and been in a relationship most of your formative lives, but it seems it is only a small step from him to go from emotionally/verbally abusive to physically abusive.

This right here!! Mine paid bills, got my car fixed,and constantly told me and others how much he loved me. My pictures were all over his Myspace and Facebook pages. He would declare his undying love for me from the rooftops. He called all his family and friends crying when we broke up. He tried to charm my family and friends. Fortunately, being emotional and hysterical is so out of character for me, they knew the deal.

Understand this is part of the manipulation. They go from extremely loving to extremely cruel to not only confuse the woman but create this illusion that she's lying, delusional and unappreciative when she finally leaves.

 

[MD_Lady]

I give you for being brave enough to be honest about your SO's short comings and how they make you feel. Follow your gut!

 

[QueenFee]

girl run...thats what happens when you date older guys, they have lived and are sometimes ready to settle down when all you want is your space...if you do end it with him give yourself a few years of freedom. You dnt need that.

 

[qchelle]

He shouts more than likely cause he is trying to be to you what every other adult woman wants and you are still acting like a child. You should move along, until you grow up because when you treat an adult like a child it becomes "abusive" thats not fair to you or him... just my opinion...
I think you act like a child because you think its acceptable to do things while drunk and not take another persons feelings into considerations. i think you act like a child because you cant appreciate the fact that a man wants to be "all up under you" - this is someone you are engaged to ... crazy... how else is he supposed to be... You are a child because you still value friendships with other men and you really beleive that men want to be "friends" with you hahahaha.... Im just saying... you told me all this... im not making it up... i sound real mean... but this is yours and another persons major life decision and it sounds like you need more time to play... aint nuthin wrong with it, go play... you are probably going to regret it----> MAYBE NOT.....

What?! I read your post a few times and still don't understand. So you're saying that it's okay to shout at your spouse to get your point across? This is just what grown folks do? And that if it makes you cry...then you're acting like a child? I'm sorry but lmao.

re: "all up under you"- she said that he makes her take off work to lay in bed with him. This is normal behavior to you?

Anyway OP, I say leave him. He just sounds plain crazy and you don't seem ready. Even if you were ready and posted the same crazy **** that he does I'd say leave him. Also, in your OP you said "The month we officially started dating: I slept with my ex. I wasn't over him, and told FH about him. But he kept saying that he was tired of waiting around, etc., so I quickly made things official. But I wasn't ready. I felt really bad for what I did." So basically you told him that you had slept with your ex...and his response was "idc! Lets just hurry up and get together!" Too funny.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Okay so I'm all for filtering (instead of solving problems after the fact). When I was dating, before getting engaged I filtered men left and right in order to find a suitable partner. My motto was to never be afraid to walk. So I guess when situations like this come up I am going to suggest that and this is why: this relationship should not exist. You weren't ready in the beginning and he's just too controlling.

You want to make sure that the relationship is strong enough to withstand a marriage. And that means: A suitable partner (and yes everyone has quirks but he has to be suitable and compatible nonetheless. Compatability also has to do with having a healthy relationship and this one does not seem that way). So I'd suggest walking.


Meaning: 1) You said yourself you weren't ready for a relationship 2) You're giving out your number to others (regardless of what your friend said) 3) You're getting drunk to allow for behavior you can't "remember" and using that as an excuse (as a joke you give out fake not real numbers. I'm wondering if the kettle is at a boiling point and you're looking to cause it to come to a head). 4) You slept with your ex the same day you decided to get serious with him and only got serious with him from what I understand out of pressure. This does not make you horrible but doesn't make you ready for marriage.


and on his end

1) He's controlling and forcing you to stay off of work. Dealbreaker
2) He's a shouter yelling at you and making you cry which is a no no. You have to consider not only your life but the life of your future children. Do you want them in a household like this? Deal breaker.

Positives? You say he's supportive and to me that support is only monetary. That's never a reason to stay. A person needs to be a provider imo, sure, but you need to also have a healthy relationship and be well matched and this doesn't seem to be the case.

Good luck in whatever you decide OP.

 

[Strangefruittree]

The best person to offer advice on this... is your father/father like figure, older brother, uncle etc... They can help put it in perspective for you. they know you, they hopefully have met him and witnessed his behavior. they have your best interests at heart and if he comes from those abusing style dudes.... the real men in your life will recognize it from a mile away for you- even when you think he is being loving and supportive. Another man who loves and appreciates you in a non sexual way will be able to call it for what it is or be present enough in your life to prevent most bad things from occurring.

 

[LovelyPiratess]

The best person to offer advice on this... is your father/father like figure, older brother, uncle etc... They can help put it in perspective for you. they know you, they hopefully have met him and witnessed his behavior. they have your best interests at heart and if he comes from those abusing style dudes.... the real men in your life will recognize it from a mile away for you- even when you think he is being loving and supportive. Another man who loves and appreciates you in a non sexual way will be able to call it for what it is or be present enough in your life to prevent most bad things from occurring.

Why can't another woman see he's abusive? He's yelling at her and forcing her to leave work to stay with him, which could cause her to lose her job and make her even more dependent on him.

Emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse.

 

[Strangefruittree]

Why can't another woman see he's abusive? He's yelling at her and forcing her to leave work to stay with him, which could cause her to lose her job and make her even more dependent on him.

Emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad a physical abuse.

She doesnt have a job anymore- who knows why
he cant force her to stay home, she chose to take his suggestion
He cant make her feel dependent on him, he did not birth her and keep the cord attached, she is a free woman in free place with the ability to hang out with friends and get drunk and give her number out and not be abused to the point where she cant type her request for advice on a forum.
I think its bes that she get her advice from a man who loves and cares for her in a non sexual way because men know men because they are men. and women who recognize the signs of abuse have been abused or witnessed it and there is a fear - has to be- associated with that assessment and its also personalized so its biased... where another man does not have that fear so may be able to better detect a true abuser vs an immature not ready yet man... i think its just as bad to be with an immature not ready yet person because their behavior can still create poor action though the intention maynot be the same.


And wow... to all you women who dont yell... power to you... teach me how not to yell from time to time- actually dont.... yelling feels good and sometimes after i yell i can hear how dumb i am in that moment and i get the opprotunity to regret a feeling. Again, OP has not been very specific about these yelling episodes- he is a yeller, what is he yelling about because maybe he is just a yelling and screaming supportive making people cry loving pays all the bills wants to be up under me forgave me for smashing the homie man... either way... she should gets the steppin, this aint rocket science

 

[NYDiva]

IMO, yelling is a sign of being out of control and one of disrespect between adults. When someone starts yelling, they get tuned out immediately and I leave the room because I know the temptation to smack that person is too much for me. You teach other people how to treat you. What adult wants to be yelled at? My thing is, you're not my mother or my father, don't raise your voice at me, if you're too emotional to speak rationally, calm down, then approach me.

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

if you're not ready for a stronger commitment, then leave, cuz its only gonna get worse the longer you stay. every little affection he has for you is gonna feel like he's smothering you and controlling you, and it will drive you mad. ♥

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I wouldn't jump straight to him being abusive. I didn't get that from reading the OP. But if you aren't ready to commit you should let him go.

 

[Afrolatina]

Hey ladies! I've been nervous about doing this for a while because some people on here can be ... I'll just leave it at that.

FH and I have known each other almost 3 years, became official in May '09, were engaged xmas '09 (will explain in a sec), and have been living together for almost 2 years......Ladies, I don't know what to think right now.

first-off.. lol the first sentence (in bold above)... uh, well... I completely agree with lol girl you didn't even need to say the rest! lol
i'll tell you my honest opinion...
sometimes, when it comes to affairs of the heart, you just know... I think you kind of already know, quite well, how you feel. I get the feeling you know that maybe you shouldn't spend anymore time with him in your life...Please, please tell me if i'm wrong, but I get the impression because he's such a good person and a good provider, that you feel you should want to be with him and you feel that you might owe him your love and time because he has been so good to you... but, to be honest, if you did get married (trust me, being newly married *almost two years* I figured this out on my own)- if there are any red flags you've found while you're dating, they are exacerbated, like 100 times over when you're married.. If he's overbearing and possessive now, count on him doing it even more so when you're married because the ring sometimes makes another feel "entitled" to treating their partner the way they feel. Now, I should preface that by saying he COULD calm down once he's kind of "locked you down" marriage-wise.. but you should ask yourself, "if he doesn't calm down, can I live this way? happily?", "will I end up resenting him eventually and will this ruin my life", "if we have kids sooner than expected, do I feel safe raising them to see me dealing with these issues?" and lastly "is there any chance this could turn physical some day under the right conditions?" If your answer isn't positive to at least 3 of these questions, then I think it's safe to say you should leave, once (and as soon as) you're able..if not for the immediate benefits, then for your future self.. sometimes the hardest things to walk away from can become *so* much easier if we step inside our future self and kind of look at it from the "outside", you know?

I truly do believe though, you know in your heart what to do...
and maybe it helps to have other people's opinions (I know it does )- please, don't ever be afraid to walk away from something even if it guarantees discomfort in the immediate future... you never know what life you could be missing and what opportunities you could be shutting yourself out of receiving..