I really need advice on FH

B

butter_pecan

Well-Known Member
Hey ladies! I've been nervous about doing this for a while because some people on here can be ... I'll just leave it at that.

FH and I have known each other almost 3 years, became official in May '09, were engaged xmas '09 (will explain in a sec), and have been living together for almost 2 years.

About FH: He's very loving, supportive and a great provider. He takes care of me and protects me from everything, and I don't have a want in the world. Since I got laid off, he's really stepped up to the plate and pays for everything just about. He's about to land a huge promotion and he's a hard-working black man who loves black women a lot. Basically from the outside, seems like an all-around great guy. He's soon to be 28.

About me: I'm 23 and have gone through a lot of things in my life and have been out of my parents house for a number of years. This and my last relationship were serious and long-term. My last relationship was 4 years.

Why there's no longer an engagement: I'm just not ready. FH comes off as being overbearing and possessive a lot and it's hard to deal with. He ALWAYS wants me around or wants to be up under me. He makes me take off work sometimes just to lie in bed with him on his off days. It's a bit suffocating. And I really can't have male friends (now, I only have 2). And he's a shouter. He's always yelling at me, and it makes me cry sometimes.

What happened Jan. 1, 2011: My girlfriend told him that I gave out my number to a guy on NYE as a joke and started laughing about it (I was really drunk and it meant nothing to me, really. Didn't even realize I did). He is really mad at me and may threaten to leave me. He's really upset about it.

The month we officially started dating: I slept with my ex. I wasn't over him, and told FH about him. But he kept saying that he was tired of waiting around, etc., so I quickly made things official. But I wasn't ready. I felt really bad for what I did.

Ladies, I don't know what to think right now.
 
hmm.... if you are having doubts and coming to the board about it, i'd probably lean on the side of moving on... or slowing down.

i don't know about you but i imagine that the guy that i wind up with for the rest of me life isn't going to try to smother me or restrict who i'm allowed to be friends with. sure, some people fall away when you get serious with someone, but that's not by force.

your friend was pretty stupid to tell your boyfriend that you gave some guy your number. people get really drunk on NYE and dumb crap happens.

plus you are young! while not so far apart, 23 and 28 are still 2 different places in life.
 
Yes! To be honest, I think she was mad because more guys tried to talk to me that night (which honestly, I was dancing too much to notice). She's a straight-up hater sometimes. I love her, but I'm starting to question her motives.

LivingDol1 said:
hmm.... if you are having doubts and coming to the board about it, i'd probably lean on the side of moving on... or slowing down.

i don't know about you but i imagine that the guy that i wind up with for the rest of me life isn't going to try to smother me or restrict who i'm allowed to be friends with. sure, some people fall away when you get serious with someone, but that's not by force.

your friend was pretty stupid to tell your boyfriend that you gave some guy your number. people get really drunk on NYE and dumb crap happens.

plus you are young! while not so far apart, 23 and 28 are still 2 different places in life.
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You're young and having doubts...slow down a bit with this relationship.

He sounds insecure and controlling. Red Flag. It won't get better, only worse.

Your friend is a piece of work. Why would she do that to you?
 
If you think he is possessive now, wait till after you get married. I'm young like you too and my ex-boyfriend exhibited similar behavior traits to this. I couldn't...:nono: I think you should be honest with yourself. You may not know what you want, but you always know what you DON'T want. Keep that in mind and proceed. Good luck, butter pecan.
 
He makes you take time off from work just to lie in bed all day?

That sounds controlling to me. I don't mind taking a day off here and there when you are caught up in that lovey dovey feeling, but to make someone take a day off is too much. I prefer not to miss any days at work, so that kind of upsets me.

With everything you said in your first post, I think the best thing for you would be to get your own place and slow down this relationship a while. What do you want to do, how do you want to move forward in this relationship?

Your so called friend is not a friend.
 
FlowerHair said:
He makes you take time off from work just to lie in bed all day?

That sounds controlling to me. I don't mind taking a day off here and there when you are caught up in that lovey dovey feeling, but to make someone take a day off is too much. I prefer not to miss any days at work, so that kind of upsets me.

With everything you said in your first post, I think the best thing for you would be to get your own place and slow down this relationship a while. What do you want to do, how do you want to move forward in this relationship?

Your so called friend is not a friend.
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I think this is a MAJOR red flag. Seriously, who does that? :perplexed

I would put some distance between me and this relationship and this "friend".
 
All I can say is...based on how you described him....run.

I married a man like him when I was 23...(and he was also five years older than me). Biggest miscalculation I ever made. I wouldn't recommend ignoring all the things about him that make you uncomfortable. They are real and they will not get better....but they have a very high probability of getting worse.

Run. You'll find another man who will treat you like an angel and be willing to make your happiness and wellbeing his top priority, without all the control and yelling.
 
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Leaving aside FH's issues, you really don't sound like you're ready for marriage right now. You've been in a relationship all of your adult life and most of your adolescence. You haven't really had time to experience life as a single person and find yourself. I think that the fact that having male friends is still pretty important to you is one sign of that. Most married folk I know let go of the opposite sex friends, and the same sex single friends kinda fall away because of the change in lifestyles. Also, your FH does sound pretty controlling by forcing you take off time to lay in bed. However, at the same time, spending a lot of time with your spouse doing nothing just goes along with the territory.

I would let the relationship go because aside from FH's issues, you two are just in two different stages of life and I don't see it working. Or you may try to make it work for a while only to leave him as you get a little older.
 
Your girlfriend is not a good friend.

I don't like the bit about taking off work just to lie around...when you say "make", what exactly do you mean?

It seems like you still want to party and be carefree while he is ready to be more settled. Not saying that you have to be stifled/dull while in a relationship though.

What does he yell about?
 
I think he's treating you like that because of the age difference. I see it as a total lack of respect. I agree with a pp, if you get married it's only going to get worse.

Nobody's perfect but if his faults give you serious doubts, move on. If it's something you think you can deal with, stay. Again, it's not going to change. People never change.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
u seem to be letting your guilt about your infidelity keep you in the relationship. He seems controlling and you are only 23. Slow down and sort out what u REALLY want. That friend also needs to go.
 
LivingDol1 said:
but what about your boyfriend? he's exhibited red flag type of behavior that is unlikely to change.
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My next step is contemplating whether I'm going to leave or stay. It wasn't until today that I told him his behavior is unacceptable and that I am not his child.

I am definitely going to pull back from the relationship for a while. I need to do this for my own sanity. You all have made some very valid points.
 
You've had some great responses. Dating is the time to figure out if this is the one you want to spend your life with. You should know yourself well enough to know what you consider a red flag. Red flag means time to jump ship, not work things out, not see if he'll work at changing. People need to do that on their own time, prior to even being in the dating pool. The fact that you are living together makes things harder, but once you make up your mind to leave...........do it in one quick swoop.......don't leave nothing behind!
 
It bothers me that he yells at you to the point where you cry. No one should yell at anyone that much. I agree with the other ladies slow down or move on and def. get some counseling together or alone if he doesnt want to go. And make sure your affairs are in order if yall do break up..
 
If I were, you I would move back home if I could or execute a plan to leave to be on my own. I think that you knew what you were doing when you gave your number out (at the least subconsciously) remember the subconscious mind never sleeps. You, in my opinion, want to be free of this relationship so you are trying to break it. I am sure you care about FH, but it does not sound like love to me. You are still young.

If this is not true, you need to tell him to back up that you need your space, but have an exit plan if he goes ape ish over this. I wish you the best.

Do not be afraid to lose a great guy, if he is not what you want. Contrary to popular belief, there are tons of great men out there.

Came back to say I would let my so-called friend have it. That was so trifling.

(said with love), get a backbone; he is not in charge of u because he pays most of the bills. He can’t make you stay anywhere…
 
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You sound confused. I say you definitely need some space, you've had two serious long term relationships and your only 23, girl back up. You need to focus on you. I also had a great guy who suffocated me and was always in my space. I loved him but didn't marry him because I never had breathing room. If he's overbearing and possessive believe me, marriage won't change that, it'll only make it worse. Claim your space and take your time, don't be afraid to let go.
 
If you are 23 and had a 4 year relationship prior to your FH, then you really haven't had time to figure out the adult butter_pecan. Plus you have lived with him since you were about 21 yo. That is a lot in such a short time span. It also seems like you may have had a small overlap with this relationship and the previous one since you slept with your ex in the same month that you two committed.

Plus the shouting is verbal abuse, especially since it makes you cry. It isn't going to get better.
 
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LEAVE NOW. Plain and simple. When someone shows you who they are... believe them. As other posters have said, your guy will only get more controlling as time goes on....

Dear heart, you are so young. It concerns me that you have been in two long term relationships one of which will inevitably turn violent at the age of 23.

First, explore why you are even questioning whether or not to stay in the relationship. Explore why you feel the need to be in a relationship and why you seem to surround yourself with toxic people (controlling BF and jealous girlfriend). These are all indications that you may have some internal issues of your own.

At 23, you should be enjoying friendships and most of all getting to know yourself. Learn to spend time with yourself and learn who you truly are before committing to someone else.

You have plenty of life ahead of you. Enjoy it while you are young. There will be plenty of time for "Mr. Right" and he will show up when you are complete and confident with yourself . {{{hugs}}}
 
He shouts more than likely cause he is trying to be to you what every other adult woman wants and you are still acting like a child. You should move along, until you grow up because when you treat an adult like a child it becomes "abusive" thats not fair to you or him... just my opinion...
I think you act like a child because you think its acceptable to do things while drunk and not take another persons feelings into considerations. i think you act like a child because you cant appreciate the fact that a man wants to be "all up under you" - this is someone you are engaged to ... crazy... how else is he supposed to be... You are a child because you still value friendships with other men and you really beleive that men want to be "friends" with you hahahaha.... Im just saying... you told me all this... im not making it up... i sound real mean... but this is yours and another persons major life decision and it sounds like you need more time to play... aint nuthin wrong with it, go play... you are probably going to regret it----> MAYBE NOT.....
 
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Strangefruittree said:
He shouts more than likely cause he is trying to be to you what every other adult woman wants and you are still acting like a child. Huh? Women who know and desire real love wouldn't want a controlling, shouting man. Shouting at your SO is not okay. Shouting at children is not okay. Shouting at adults who act like children is not okay.You should move along, until you grow up because when you treat an adult like a child it becomes "abusive" thats not fair to you or him... just my opinion... What?
I think you act like a child because you think its acceptable to do things while drunk and not take another persons feelings into considerations.OP, I do agree that this was inconsiderate. IDK the intricacies of your relationship, but I'd think you'd have known it would make him angry if you weren't drunk. i think you act like a child because you cant appreciate the fact that a man wants to be "all up under you" - this is someone you are engaged to ... crazy... how else is he supposed to be... What she described of him was controlling behavior. Love doesn't try to control. I know some think controlling behavior = love, but it doesn't. I may be wrong, but I think the OP may act this way because she either doesn't truly love her SO or deep down doesn't want to be married to him. And if that's true, it's okay, she just needs to move on. But it doesn't justify his controlling behavior. You are a child because you still value friendships with other men and you really beleive that men want to be "friends" with you hahahaha.... Im just saying... you told me all this... im not making it up... i sound real mean... but this is yours and another persons major life decision and it sounds like you need more time to play... aint nuthin wrong with it, go play... you are probably going to regret it----> MAYBE NOT.....????
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I'm sorry, but this post had me :spinning::spinning::spinning: Red font.
 
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