I need space!

Tolle

Tolle

Team Fluid
I really hope im not alone in feeling this way. DH and I have been married less than a year and he will not let me breathe! It's strange because we were already living together as parents but this smothering didn't start until we got hitched.

I am a loner who loves my husband but NEEDS alone time. On more than one occasion, I have shared how this affects my mental health and he has promised to do better. He has some insecurities so I try to meet in the middle as much as I can but DAYUM! :wallbash:

I am on vacation (staycation)and he has ruined each day so far. I am so frustrated that I dont know what to do..

On Monday morning, I thought he left for work until I came out to take DS to school. He was doing yardwork and waiting to ride to school with us. He stayed with me the whole day while I ran errands. :nono:

On Tuesday, he left for work :yay:. I dropped DS off at school and headed to an appointment I had. As im waiting in the lobby, guess who walks in grinning from ear to ear...:perplexed
He's telling me why he left early and blah blah blah. Again, he stayed with me the whole day. :nono:

Wednesday(today), I had my whole day planned, just me, my paintbrush, and Pandora. DH and I had already discussed him staying at work ALL DAY..
After dropping DS off at school, I came home cranked my music, poured a glass of wine :look: and started cleaning and painting. At only 10:30 am, as im painting the kitchen,I hear him come in :whyme:

He starts telling me how so and so pissed him off so he left early.. He has turned down my music, knocked over my wine, and repositioned my paint set up so that its "easier" for me.
ITS NOT EASIER FOR ME LIKE THIS FOOL!!!!!

So Im super aggravated and remind him how much I need my alone time. His response is a solem "I know" as he grabs a roller to help paint. At this point im stewing but trying to hide it. I tell him im making a home depot run, and of course he needs something and wants to go too.

Well I guess all of my anger came to a head and I went OFF. I only felt slightly bad when he asked if I wanted him to just die. :lol: Dramatic much..

I keep thinking what a shame it would be for a perfectly good marriage to end, all because the ***** won't give me my space.

Anyone else married to a smotherer? How do you deal!?!?
 
Giiiiiirlll not married yet, 3 weeks to go but we live together so I know exactly how you feel. You need your hubby to get a hobby outside of the house. I suggest you help him find something that will keep him occupied.

He loves being around you and obviously doesn't need the alone time you need so try to nudge rather than push him away. Good luck
 
I came in here thinking it can't be that bad. Yeah, it is! :lol:

Don't know what to tell ya. DH and I are good at giving each other space.

I understand your need for space. I'm a loner too and prefer my own company first and foremost.
 
Have you tried the Married Ladies Random Thoughts? I'm sure someone in there had dealt with something similar.
 
As an only child this is my worst nightmare:look:

Have you tried promising him something that you will do together this week?

Make a time in the day you will do something special together. Best not to say it like "I can fit you in here after I do my important alone stuff:yawn:". More like its something you really want do do with him and agree a time.

The facts are at the moment you want the full day away from him, but he is ending up coming home WAY early to spend most of the day with you. Possibly through insecurity (?) If you told him to come home a few hours early so you can do something nice together maybe he'd leave you for the rest of the time:spinning: Worth a try if you haven't already.
 
This reminds me of the Sex in the City sequel where Carrie and Big kept her apt so that she can have some alone time and there was Charlotte also enjoying being alone in the apartment....lol. I loved the idea of a space close enough to home if he needs me but still "away".

I hope some married women come in and give some good suggestions. I would love to see how people deal with this.

Good Luck OP
 
i went through this before , i couldn't listen to music heading to work because be wanted to listen or talk to me or so he says , we were on skype for hours and i felt i was being watched or when on the phone listened to, when i requested a lone time he thought it was fishy and even asked his cousin and just like most men he agreed and said when you switch up it does seem fishy. smh
 
No real hangout buddies or hobbies. Every now and then he hangs with one of the guys from the old neighborhood but for the most part he would rather hang with me. I love him and prefer hanging with him over just about anyone. Except myself.
 
U might hav to arrange for your alone time away from home somtms

Just b careful how u handle him esp if he has insecurities. U could end up really hurtg his feelgs and bcuz hes a man, he wont let u know how badly (or mayb he will, idk him)
 
I just now wrapped up my vacation and my SO did this to me too. At first I was upset cause I had plans on exercising and using my kegelmaster but I couldn't change it I just made the best of it. And I definitely plan on taking vacation when he does, so he can see how this feels! LOL!
 
You may want to schedule a couple of sessions with a therapist and maybe that person can help him understand personal boundaries and what you need regarding having alone time. Sometimes when things are explained from a third party, it sinks in more than it would coming from the spouse. From what you described you told him what you wanted but he still stayed in your space anyway and that's a problem because he's not hearing you and honoring what you want. Usually that type of behavior is linked to a lack of trust and/or abandonment issues (it could be something he experienced as an adult or it could go back to childhood). Therapy can help him understand why he feels the need to constantly cling to you. And it can also help him understand the damage that it can cause if he doesn't give you some space.

It's better to deal with it now before the resentment grows to a point where you feel like you don't want to be with him anymore.
 
yora88 said:
I just now wrapped up my vacation and my SO did this to me too. At first I was upset cause I had plans on exercising and using my kegelmaster but I couldn't change it I just made the best of it. And I definitely plan on taking vacation when he does, so he can see how this feels! LOL!
Click to expand...
:lol::drunk::giggle:
 
I've been in a relationship with a clingy smothering male too. In the beginning, I had to ask him for standing "me days" where I don't see him. He would ignore them talking about "But I just want to be around you all the time. I just love you so much."... until one day he showed up at my door on a day I specifically told him I needed time alone:nono:. I went off and slammed the door in his face:yep:. I felt like he didn't care about my feelings or that he didnt feel my wants were valid. Annoying brute.

I understand how you feel OP. I wasn't married to dude so it was easy for me to decide to bail. He was wearing me out :nono:.

On a good day, when you like being around him :lol: , try to explain to him how it makes you feel when he isn't honoring your wishes. When he sees it from your POV he might change.
 
No input on how to make your situation better. I mentally couldn't take what you endured. He really went overboard with it. It seems like he really wanted to know what you were up to. If this is your first time pulling a stunt like this he wants to know what's up.

On a good note maybe next time he'll understand there is no other man. And you really just need some space. When it's all said and done you both need to have a serious conversation about your needs.
 
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renewmetoo said:
Well I guess all of my anger came to a head and I went OFF. I only felt slightly bad when he asked if I wanted him to just die. :lol: Dramatic much..
Click to expand...
This made me LOL:lol:... poor thing... I have no advice but as an only child who ABSOLUTELY ADORES spending time alone this would be a :nono: for me... But I do think it's kind of sweet he wants to spend his time with you
 
Haha! Your post made me laugh!!! My sister's ex husband was like that too, he followed her from room to room until she went crazy!

Most men are dependent of their woman and can't function on their own. That's why we say they are like children. The only thing you can do is to book a couple of solitary weekends at a hotel in a nearby city... That's my plan for the future, when DS is older. :grin: Just me, a hotel room, a good book, some nice shopping and a turned off phone!
 
FlowerHair said:
Haha! Your post made me laugh!!! My sister's ex husband was like that too, he followed her from room to room until she went crazy!

Most men are dependent of their woman and can't function on their own. That's why we say they are like children. The only thing you can do is to book a couple of solitary weekends at a hotel in a nearby city... That's my plan for the future, when DS is older. :grin: Just me, a hotel room, a good book, some nice shopping and a turned off phone!
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I need but he would seriously lose a head gasket. :lachen: Alone time at home is my compromise.

Im about to drop off DS, lets see how today turns out...
 
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LMAO! I know you didn't mean for this to be funny, but I howled! My boyfriend sounds like your husband in that he's pretty introverted. We both are. I love his company, but sometimes I just want my house to myself. He'll drive 2 hours at 9pm after a long work day just to surprise me. and all I wanted was to have the remote and bed to myself without having to make conversation. But I'd be a witch to actually say that out loud to him.
 
Awwwwww ... I completely understand you! I *need* alone time. Like, it's very necessary for me to function properly. I can only imagine when I get married and have a kid, no more 'me' time like that. Hopefully your DH will find some friends/hobbies or something that will allow you some breathing room.
 
Sounds like not only do you need me time but you need your own space. Your home is apparently not that space because he feels like home is his sanctuary too.

Why don't you make some girltime appointments with friends and take advantage of the time before or after you meet them? Like set a date for the movies at 2 pm but take the time beforehand to go to a bookstore, park, etc. solo.

I'd also talk to him about why he needs to leave work early so often. Maybe start him on the path to looking up jobs online or something else that he can do without you in his free time.
 
OP, that was funny and not funny. I've been in this situation too. It made me want to pull his hair out...strand by strand.
 
Well I had the day to myself yesterday and it was grand! When he came home from work he was all :kisses: and omg I miss you. But so was I. :lol:

Looking forward to enjoying my last day alone. You ladies have been great.
 
I'm glad that you finally got the alone time you craved. If I didn't know any better, I'd think that we were married to the same man.:)

Almost 19 years into it and he hasn't changed. I've tried screaming, we've gone to therapy... and no change. Yes, it can be extremely annoying, but I wouldn't trade places with the myriad of woman who complain that their husbands are never around or pay them no attention. Like mine, your husband may never change but take comfort in knowing that NO union is perfect and at least you can be certain that you are loved, even if it is annoying at times.
 
What kind of job does your husband have that he can leave in the middle of the day or early so often?

I feel like that's a red flag for dependency.
 
tuffCOOKiE said:
What kind of job does your husband have that he can leave in the middle of the day or early so often?

I feel like that's a red flag for dependency.
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He works a job that ebbs and flows. There arent any projects going on that demand his physical presence right now.
 
i know exactly how you feel, OP.:(

on Christopher Columbus day i was off but he wasn't. i didnt tell him i was off because, i mean, he doesn't need to know everything. i had plans to wash my hair, clean my car, clean the fridge, hang out at the pool, dance around the house, whatever. so when he finds out i dont have to work he goes to work 3 hours late and that's only because i begged him. he said he would rather spend the day with me.:perplexed i got progressively angrier each second he was still in the house. when he got back home he walked in the door and yelled, "the parasite is back, vacation is over!" so he knows i crave solitude but he thinks its funny to annoy me.

on the one hand i want to punch him in the face and on the other i cant really blame him. we are both new to this fairly large city and neither of us knows anyone here. before we moved we had our separate lives/friends but now its just the two of us.

i dont miss being single but i sure do miss my alone time.
 
I just wanted to add that my husband was attached to my hip the first two years of marriage. If I went into a different room, within 15 minutes he would join me. We went from room to room all day long! Twelve years later, we both give each other our needed space. On college football game days, he doesn't know that I exist...
 
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