I need some space from my husband - long

[shinyblackhair]

I feel for you as one going through marital problems of my own. I just recently stumbled upon this website: Marriage Builders Your relationship sounds as though it's still salvageable - however please hold off on having kids...that only complicates things if you don't wind up staying together.

 

[Farida]

OP as afrochique said, I think you should look into getting him temporary work authorization. I am not a licensed attorney, so I'm just telling you what I have seen. I've seen people who are not even in the US legally apply for an adjustment of status (AOS) and they usually get temporary work authorization while their paperwork is being processed. I strongly suspect that since he came in legally (F1? J1? visitor's visa?) and is getting status through your marriage that he can get temporary work authorization.

Marriage is tough and when the two of you have your own personal problems relating to each other is very difficult. Right now my mom is very ill and although DH can express concern and he cares, he cannot even remotely begin to understand what this is doing to me. It makes me feel very distant from him and how can he be so happy when I am so miserable?

When DH was unemployed, sometimes things felt unbearable. He was just so broken and his spirit was down and it was a trying period for us. That passed, and hopefully so shall yours.

Anyway, I would really advise counseling for both of you and for you individually. You need to learn not to bottle your emotions. I used to do that and it just leads to anger, stonewalling and kills your relationship. It can be fixed.

All that is assuming his feelings for you were/are genuine and are not green card driven. I am reluctant to go there but I feel I must. I've seen it happen plenty of times.

Naked pictures of women from his job? Women he knows? I cannot think of one legit reason for a man to have naked pictures of women he knows. That says "infidelity" or at least "disrespect" of the highest order.

I would definitely keep my eyes open to see if he is being faithful. Unfaithfulness on his part further fuels my suspicion of him possibly using you for the green card. I have seen men marry women, have huge weddings, involve their entire families, clergy etc. Treat the women like queens (but never have kids with them) and then they get their green cards, wait a few years and leave. Then in 6 mos. they are remarried and have a child immediately. Usually with someone from their hometown or someone who was supposedly "just a friend" the entire marriage.

I recently saw (not at work) a woman do this to her husband. Married 7 years, no kids. Bought a house, huge wedding, the whole shebang. In-laws, parties, outings, they seemed the perfect couple. I was even jealous! Even, I, who is usually skeptical about these things had the wool totally pulled over my eyes. She waited, no kids, now with her "friend."

That may not be the case, but I felt it was at least fair for me to put that out there.

 

[Malaika1]

You need to think about you. What do you want? How do you feel etc
If you could get away for a couple days, maybe stay with family or somewhere that won't
cause more tension so you can think about it clearly.

Just being away from a super stressful environment can make you feel that much better,
no negative energy

 

[chocolat79]

Like others said, there is so much going on here. You have your personal issues, there are issues with the marriage (infidelity) and also situational/temporary issues. AND you're keeping all this inside and have been for a while. I have NO idea how you're feeling, BUT I know what it's like to keep everything inside. One day you're going to 1) explode over something trivial or 2) have a breakdown. Not a mental breakdown, but just a situation where you feel you can't do it anymore. You're definitely teetering on either one.

First, I suggest communicating with him and telling him EXACTLY how you feel about whatever you can verbalize. Sometimes it's hard to articulate to someone else exactly how you are feeling, but once you get going, it's like a waterfall. Sometimes, the other person doesn't know how you are feeling and your non-verbal communication could be signaling him to react a certain way. I definitely think you need to communicate as much as you feel you can say. Let it all go. There is no need for you to carry the entire burden by yourself.

Second, read "Emotional Resilience" by David Viscott. Someone on this board suggested it and I'm reading it right now and it's an EXCELLENT book. It talks about Emotional Debt and Toxic Nostalgia and so many other things that could be causing you to react the way you do and explain some of your passiveness. It's an excellent read even if you didn't have the marital issues.

Third, pray. Pray for guidance and understanding and the ability to make it through the day. It can help make the day bearable.

Fourth, take a mini-vacation away from him. Go to a place where he can't find you or contact you, unless it's an emergency. I mean, it could be somewhere local--a nice B'n'B or spa, or even somewhere that's a plane ride away. I'd actually really say that if you have friends/family further off, go stay with them for a weekend and just have FUN away from him.

This is just my from reading what you've posted. I also think that the marriage can be salvaged, but you have to deal with your own issues to clearly see how to deal with the marital issues. (((((hugs)))))

 

[GraceV]

When his papers go through he is going to Kenya for a month because he hasn't seen his family since he was 17. That will be the time - the space that I need to reevaluate what's going on. I'm just trying to make it to that month.

Huh? Please forgive my curiosity but why are you not visiting his family with him? You've been married for years and the first time a man gets the opportunity to introduce you to his family, he plans to go alone? I read that quote and my mind immediately went to what Farida said:

I would definitely keep my eyes open to see if he is being faithful. Unfaithfulness on his part further fuels my suspicion of him possibly using you for the green card. I have seen men marry women, have huge weddings, involve their entire families, clergy etc. Treat the women like queens (but never have kids with them) and then they get their green cards, wait a few years and leave. Then in 6 mos. they are remarried and have a child immediately. Usually with someone from their hometown or someone who was supposedly "just a friend" the entire marriage.


That may not be the case, but I felt it was at least fair for me to put that out there.

Please ask yourself if you want this marriage to work, then y'all need to start fixing it now, rather than waiting till when he has even less motivation to work things out with you AND has other influences that may not favor you the invisible American wife he's 'fighting' with.

I'll say a prayer for you, may God guide your decisions.