I just asked my boyfriend if I couldn't have kids. .

[SmileyNY]

I know I'm a woman (girl power), but ladies kill me with these "what if" questions. It's making something out of nothing & creating problems where there doesn't need to be any. And then we have the nerve to get mad on a hypothetical lol. I was guilty of it too... when I was younger, of course (I've asked the infamous "what if I gain weight" question ... The "what if I became disabled" one). Looking back I see how immature I was because now I'm grown with real problems... and also real blessings. I realize that my time is much better spent counting my blessings rather than creating problems


ETA: Anyway...somebody, anybody, please tell me... Does my siggy make me look fat?


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[UmSumayyah]

It's one thing if a couple is married and one of them bails when they realize the other is infertile.
Hypothetically ending a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship on such grounds is perfectly reasonable.

 

[MekyakaKinkerbelle]

I am with a lot of the posters that say you shouldn't get upset with your S/O for being open and honest, as children are a deal breaker. If he wants them without exception and you are not fully on board with that...you need to uncover these differences now.

That being said, these are the types of conversations you should have BEFORE you are willing to take the next step in the relationship (which seems you already have done)...and that has nothing to do with age. I am always shocked at the number of grown @$$ women that have never discussed children, finances, debt, goals, life outlook, long-term plans, etc. with their S/Os.

The day after you get married/committed should not be the time for discovering new beliefs.

Also, please note...there is something to be said about "older" acquaintances giving you advice. There is a reason that we (me included) often say "when I was your age..." The majority of people change their life views/beliefs with experience that comes along with age. Very few people believe at 30, 35, 40 the same things they did when they were 21. I would find it problematic if they did. It would mean you are stifled/stuck/content and that's not something you should aim for.

All this to say, don't be closed-minded about new ideas and at least taking in and considering what other people have to say.

It's like saying sirloin is the best steak on the planet when you've never tried anything else. Someone comes along and puts a beautiful cut of Kobe in front of you and you're like "That's ok. I'll stick with this cut right here." Not a problem if you've actually had other things, but you don't know what you're missing if you won't at least entertain/try the options once.

 

[ThickHair]

It's like saying sirloin is the best steak on the planet when you've never tried anything else. Someone comes along and puts a beautiful cut of Kobe in front of you and you're like "That's ok. I'll stick with this cut right here." Not a problem if you've actually had other things, but you don't know what you're missing if you won't at least entertain/try the options once.

OT
Mmmmmm Kobe steak, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. That stuff is orgasmic.

 

[lucy]

I tried not to condemn in my post, because this is a very personal topic. It will differ with every poster, and only the poster living it can decide whats best for them.

With that said OP, I dont take issue with the fact that you dont care for adoption. I hate to see children being neglected, and if you will feel like a babysitter, then that clearly isnt the choice for you. It takes a special person to raise someone else's child as they would their own, and not everyone fits the bill. I wanted to experience pregnancy and everything else that comes along with it. I wanted to know how it feels to love someone more than life itself. I wanted to feel how it feels to look at someone and know that they are a part of me. I love being a mom. I don't know if I would have been able to adopt. I wouldn't want to treat that child any differently from my own... the older I get the softer I get towards adoption, though.

All that to say, I don't think anyone was appalled by you being against adoption, I think it was moreso your reasoning. A whole world exists outside of MTVs 16 and pregnant.


As far as your boyfriend, I feel that his response was admirable because he could have easily answered however he thought you would have wanted and just moved on. His honesty should open your eyes to whats ahead. Dont wait til its too late to check about your fertility. Check with the Drs to make sure everything is okay (with both of you) and discuss your options if everything isnt okay. If he clearly wants children and you arent open to adoption, and you both arent willing to use ART (assisted reproductive technology) then the relationship is in for way bigger challenges ahead.

ps... Children are a blessing that requires a lot of work and dedication, and in no way is my post rushing you into having children. At 21, you have a whole lot of life to live before even worrying about children.

 

[PinkyPromise]

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

Just be mindful that there are members on this site who were adopted and members who have adopted children. You can have your own opinions, but don't say things that will hurt others.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Start protecting yourself and stop worrying about it. It's not the time to worry about it unless you want a child right now.

When I was a little younger than you, I was told by a doctor that I may never carry a child to term. Even though I didn't particularly want to get pregnant at the time, it really effed with me. Two, three years passed and I found myself at war with the two opposing ideas in my head. There was the idea that I was not ready to have a child at that time competing heavily with feelings of inadequacy because I thought I may never one. Honestly, it almost drove me nuts.

Well, one day I did become pregnant (around year 5-6) after years of tempting fate when it was not the right time. Obviously, it was a relief to know I could have a child. However, where that concern was over, other more serious ones were put in its place (as in having another life in my hands). As someone who has been there, I know how it feels to think you cannot bear kids. However, you have to look at this from a different perspective. Are you ready to have a child right now? If not, you really need to push those feelings back. The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance you can have kids. You could find out you are pregnant tomorrow. Are you ready for that?

 

[Krullete]

Just be mindful that there are members on this site who were adopted and members who have adopted children. You can have your own opinions, but don't say things that will hurt others.

Classic Beauty -

Do you mind if I borrow and adapt this post of yours for my signature (for awhile)?

 

[MzLady78]

Just be mindful that there are members on this site who were adopted and members who have adopted children. You can have your own opinions, but don't say things that will hurt others.

Or given up children for adoption...

 

[itismehmmkay]

No protection? Are you trying to get pregnant?

I think you're offended b/c you're measuring his response by how much he loves you. And I can understand that, but know that life goals and serious relationships (especially marraiges and families) is much more than just love. Ya'll need to be in parallel on life-changing issues/topics. I agree w/ the others that you still have some more living to do. And that is okay.

 

[ThickHair]

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

So you have been trying to get pregnant? Not using protection means you are trying to get pregnant.

Are you two prepared to be parents right now? Is he pressuring you to get pregnant since you are engaged? How old is your FH? What are the future plans between you two? Wedding plans? Higher education? Purchasing property\home? Health insurance? Retirement plans? Plan B if the baby is born with health issues? Money?

So you have been trying since age 19 to get pregnant? Wow, I am just blown away.

 

[JayAnn0513]

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

What I am worried about is you having sex with no protection for 2 yrs with a man that is not your husband....

 

[PinkyPromise]

He's 23. I haven't been trying since 19 (the condom actually broke) it was unplanned and I miscarried. I have concerns now because our relationship is more serious. That goes back to what I was saying though, two years and nothing has happened. This post wasnt about me worrying about anything other than my fertility. I'm well aware of everything else I need to worry about. Thanks for the concern

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Well I just don't agree with adoption. I'm not saying that those children don't deserve a chance because they do, just not with me. I could see if it was a child that got taken out of their home for abuse or something along the lines of that, but to just willingly give up your child? Because you can't handle it? I'm not feeling that. How would you feel, after two years, after this boy proposed to you, after he tattooed your name on his arm, after living together and all that you've been through he"d just up and say "maybe".

I mean I'm probably tripping because he's open to options idk maybe I just can't wrap my head around it. The reason I asked him in the first place is because I know how badly he wants children, when we first got together I was pg but miscarried and havent been since (don't chew me out for telling my business ) so in the back of my head I'm wondering if something is wrong (since my last checkup not that I know of) and was just curious what he'd say.

ETA: another reason. . I really would like to experience the whole being pregnant thing one day and I cant experience that if I adopt.

You not wanting to adopt a child is a personal choice, however your logic is kinda flawed.

As far as the tattooed name on the arm.... Maybe a tattoo removal kit

 

[Honi]

You have not experience life as an adult. As you grow your priorities and feelings change. I thought something similar at your age, so I personally know where you are coming from, BUT I didn't take issue with what the opposite sex had to say about it. I rolled without hard feelings when their thinking wasn't the same as mine. NOTHING wrong with it at all, it just seemed like you took attitude with the way he felt, which he expressed after YOU ASK. To me that shows a lack of maturity and frankly now that I am 40, I realize that I was very immature at 21, but no one could tell me any different.

Quoted because THANKS WAS NOT ENOUGH!

 

[lesedi]

I understand where he is coming from completely. If i'm honest, i wouldn't stay with a man who was unable/unwilling to have children.

 

[Cichelle]

I am so glad that NONE of the millions of children in this world who desperately need a family will ever find their home with you. I'm glad you know yourself on that level and unless you have a significant change in attitude toward adoption, I hope you will stay true to yourself and never, never adopt a child.

As for your significant other, I think it's good that he could be straight forward about a matter that is so important. You mince no words, either. The fact that the answers don't quite match and aren't what you want them to be is unfortunate. But if he had lied to you, it wouldn't bode well because a truth like that has a way of coming to the surface sooner or later.

 

[DayStar]

burning: Wrap it up boo.

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

 

[MekyakaKinkerbelle]

@PinkyPromise, there is a difference between having unprotected sex for two years (which is an issue in and of itself) and actively trying to get pregnant.

There is a very narrow window for pregnancy. You can have sex for 27 out of 30 days a month and not get pregnant. Heck, you can have sex 30 out of 30 days a month and not get pregnant. There are so many factors. You can also technically have fertilization without implantation.

You shouldn't worry about your fertility until you have been actively trying for a while...which could include (but not be limited to) charting, temping, fertility monitors, LH measuring. If you don't hit the right window - and it is small at 2 days, maybe 3 for some - it won't happen, no matter how haphazardly you are going about your sex practices.

And the fact that you were pregnant before is a good thing (re: your fertility).

You shouldn't place unnecessary stress on yourself.

ETA: I am so sorry if this comes off as condescending, but I am just disheartened. Unprotected sex at such a young age, for such a long period of time (regardless of the monogamy) is troubling to me. Again, I apologize as I don't want to be preachy - that's not even why you started this post. But I would be remiss if I did not verbalize (write) my concerns. Please go get tested together, and continue to do so (together) every 6 months. And show each other the written results.

 

[PinkyPromise]

We do test together, the last time we went was actually about 6 months ago. Even though I don't like the idea of hormone therapy, I actually just started bc pills so I don't have to worry about this mess anymore. I started this thread based off of his response to my feelings but again, thanks for you guys' concern in other areas of my life.

You not wanting to adopt a child is a personal choice, however your logic is kinda flawed.

As far as the tattooed name on the arm.... Maybe a tattoo removal kit

LMAO. ITS A BIG A** TATTOO! My name is nine letters long.

 

[Peabody1]

We do test together, the last time we went was actually about 6 months ago. Even though I don't like the idea of hormone therapy, I actually just started bc pills so I don't have to worry about this mess anymore. I started this thread based off of his response to my feelings but again, thanks for you guys' concern in other areas of my life.



LMAO. ITS A BIG A** TATTOO! My name is nine letters long.

I know you said you started this post because you are concerned about your fertility. Just wanted to put it out there that while BCP's are fine for protecting against unplanned pregnancy just keep in mind that there are a whole host of STD's that do arise and impact fertility. I'd hate for you to contract something in your 20's and suffer later consequences when you truly are ready to settle down, get married and start a family. I'm sorry if I come off sounding incredibly preachy.

 

[ThickHair]

LMAO. ITS A BIG A** TATTOO! My name is nine letters long.

On that note a little story that I find hilarious but others may not. I told my exhusband not to tattoo my name on his body, but did he listen, NO. So now this ninja got my name across his chest in huge letters. Poor woman whoever has been looking at that, I couldn't. Yes, my EXHUSBAND. That is why I prefer my men to be tattoo free, I do not want to look at some other chick or even you child's name scrawled across a body part, especially one I would see frequently.

 

[itsjusthair88]

yea, not understanding the harsh responses in here. I think many women would expect the man to love them anyway, but that's not always the case. If you are really scared that something is wrong, you should check with your doc for reassurance. If something is "wrong", then you will need to evaluate the relationship.

Kurlee, I don't see any "harshness" in these responses; lots of times the ladies on here can be harsh but I think this is one of those times when OP needed to hear it. I understand why she's upset, I think we all do, we're all (or for the most part) family-minded women, who feel like marriage and kids are part of the deal, but lots of posters are saying, it's good she asked and it's good he answered...no harshness there, just my 2 cents

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

Hey I'm only 22 and I feel like people fall back on that "she's young, ergo, she's immature" argument a little too much as well...however, this is alot to be thinking about at this age (I know it would be for me) but I will re-iterate your views do seem kind of narrow...I mean, I'm not berating you as a person or anything, but that's just what I think

Just be mindful that there are members on this site who were adopted and members who have adopted children. You can have your own opinions, but don't say things that will hurt others.

Or given up children for adoption...

I think that's my main "issue" with the post, adoption is noble and laudable, I just can't imagine people not supporting it, sorry OP, that just rubbed me the wrong way

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

We do test together, the last time we went was actually about 6 months ago. Even though I don't like the idea of hormone therapy, I actually just started bc pills so I don't have to worry about this mess anymore. I started this thread based off of his response to my feelings but again, thanks for you guys' concern in other areas of my life.



LMAO. ITS A BIG A** TATTOO! My name is nine letters long.

So scratch the removal kit , but seriously I hope you and your guy are able to work this out. Children are a deal breaker, but only you and him can decide what will work best for you as a couple.

 

[PinkyPromise]

So scratch the removal kit , but seriously I hope you and your guy are able to work this out. Children are a deal breaker, but only you and him can decide what will work best for you as a couple.

Thanks!! Pray for us.

Disclaimer: I wasn't trying to offend anyone, I WAS being a little insensitive so if I did I apologize!!

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

On that note a little story that I find hilarious but others may not. I told my exhusband not to tattoo my name on his body, but did he listen, NO. So now this ninja got my name across his chest in huge letters. Poor woman whoever has been looking at that, I couldn't. Yes, my EXHUSBAND. That is why I prefer my men to be tattoo free, I do not want to look at some other chick or even you child's name scrawled across a body part, especially one I would see frequently.

Yeah, looking at another woman's name is a deal breaker!!!

 

[starfish79]

Hey I'm only 22 and I feel like people fall back on that "she's young, ergo, she's immature" argument a little too much as well.

People "fall back" on that argument because it's TRUE. Research has shown that the areas in the brain where decision making and risk assessment take place are not fully developed until 25.

 

[anon123]

I'll try to be open minded. Thanks. I just don't want to find out that I'm infertile. I mean what are the chances? Two years, NO protection? That's not just "wrong timing". Alot of you probably wonder why I'm worried about this anyway and I'm only 21. I ask myself that too everyday.

Well, OP, I'm not going to comment on anything else, but if I were you, I would want to know about my fertility, too. Having unprotected sex for 2 years with no resulting pregnancy does seem unusual to me. Maybe I'm wrong. But it is something I would want to know about and understand someone being concerned about. Talk to your doctor.

 

[itsjusthair88]

People "fall back" on that argument because it's TRUE. Research has shown that the areas in the brain where decision making and risk assessment take place are not fully developed until 25.

I work in an industry where we use "studies" and "data" to manipulate the public at our will for our rich corporate clients, so that doesn't mean much to me...no offense, but studies also definitively show that individuals mature at separate, unrelated rates...so my 22 was not the same as your 22 or my mother's 22 because of outside influence, whether positive or negative. I never reveal my age to anyone, I'm the youngest person at my position, by 13 years and up until 5 months ago, my direct supervisor and co-workers were not aware I was under 30.

I'm making a note of all of this to demonstrate that just because I'm 22, doesn't mean I'm not mature, it doesn't mean I can't make well-thought and informed decisions; no disrespect, but that's narrow thinking