I just asked my boyfriend if I couldn't have kids. .

PinkyPromise

PinkyPromise

Well-Known Member
would he leave me, and he said "maybe, maybe not depending on if you wanted to adopt or not." :ohwell: I wouldn't adopt because it would feel like a life long babysitting job. I want my OWN. Anyways, it just pissed me off and basically let me know that YES he would leave me and thats f'd up to me. If it was the other way around I know I wouldn't leave him..
 
Well, having a family that includes children is apart of a person's package for most people. If he wanted children or was willing to adopt, and you couldn't have children and did not want to adopt...then you two will go in two different directions in life. I don't think he is being unfair or unreasonable about what he said.
 
PinkyPromise said:
would he leave me, and he said "maybe, maybe not depending on if you wanted to adopt or not." :ohwell: I wouldn't adopt because it would feel like a life long babysitting job. I want my OWN. Anyways, it just pissed me off and basically let me know that YES he would leave me and thats f'd up to me. If it was the other way around I know I wouldn't leave him..
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I think what he said was fair. He didn't say he'd leave you automatically, only if you weren't open to adoption. He clearly definitely wants children and is open enough to modify his vision to include adoptive children as well. It is awkward to respond here because this is a purely hypothetical situation (unless there's more background), but it seems like you might be more narrowly focused than he is in your insistence on *only* allowing for the possibility of biological children. (and I agree that if you can't envision truly loving an adopted child then don't consider it at all)

If you all aren't married then this is the perfect time to learn about these different perspectives.
 
(and I agree that if you can't envision truly loving an adopted child then don't consider it at all)

If you all aren't married then this is the perfect time to learn about these different perspectives.
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That's why I wouldn't because I can't. I don't agree with or support adoption because it's a cop out. Like on 16 and pregnant I'd hate it when they'd give up their babies. Then one girl kept it then wanted to give it up then wanted the baby back I wanted to punch that btich. Take care or your responsibilities! Anyways, idk it just hurt. I can already tell we won't be together for the long run. Then he said, "I'f it's me then that's ok because I can get fixed but if it's you it's a bigger problem" WTF
 
He's being honest about his feelings. He wants children, biologically or not, and I can't blame him for it. This is exactly the time you two should be talking about this.
 
You know what they say, don't ask the question....

I think he was being honest and fair. If he's willing to adopt and you're not, well its better to know now, right?


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PinkyPromise said:
That's why I wouldn't because I can't. I don't agree with or support adoption because it's a cop out.
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everyone is entitled to their feelings on adoption but are you saying you wouldn't adopt a child because their parent, who already gave them up, needs to take care of their responsibilities?:look:
 
PinkyPromise said:
That's why I wouldn't because I can't. I don't agree with or support adoption because it's a cop out. Like on 16 and pregnant I'd hate it when they'd give up their babies. Then one girl kept it then wanted to give it up then wanted the baby back I wanted to punch that btich. Take care or your responsibilities! Anyways, idk it just hurt. I can already tell we won't be together for the long run. Then he said, "I'f it's me then that's ok because I can get fixed but if it's you it's a bigger problem" WTF
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If only it was that simple. I would consider adoption because those kids didn't have a choice. That's just the card life dealt them.
 
Children are a deal breaker. He wants children, even if he has to adopt. You only want children if they're biological. That's a HUGE difference right there.
 
PinkyPromise said:
That's why I wouldn't because I can't. I don't agree with or support adoption because it's a cop out. Like on 16 and pregnant I'd hate it when they'd give up their babies. Then one girl kept it then wanted to give it up then wanted the baby back I wanted to punch that btich. Take care or your responsibilities! Anyways, idk it just hurt. I can already tell we won't be together for the long run. Then he said, "I'f it's me then that's ok because I can get fixed but if it's you it's a bigger problem" WTF
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Huh?

How old are you?:spinning:
 
There are few things going on in this post...you asked him a valid question and he gave you a straight-forward answer; if you don't want to know, don't ask (I say)...his willingness to adopt children is actually admirable, lots of men don't have that as an option...

As far as your views on adoption? I'm not going to insult or malign anybody, but they are a bit narrow; if a child is given the chance to live in a safe environment with people who really love them (because trust me, it takes real love to adopt a child...any fool can lay down and make a child, but someone who really wants a child will adopt) then why bot support that? I understand your disgust at the parents who "cop-out" but that is not a good reason to not support the thousands of children in adoption agencies...

Oasis whenever you post something, it's hilarious...I think it's the siggy with the big cat...
 
DragonPearl said:
Children are a deal breaker. He wants children, even if he has to adopt. You only want children if they're biological. That's a HUGE difference right there.
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That's exactly what it is. :yep:
That's why it's so important to discuss before you get serious... Most people cannot imagine a life without children, adopted or not.

I'm glad he is honest and didn't lie just to make you happy.
 
So now you are PO'd because you ask him a question and his answer wasn't acceptable to you. I say this with respect, "Grow up, life doesn't always go the way you think it should".
 
I wouldn't be mad at what he said. His answer is understandable...children are a huge deal maker or breaker in relationships. I can understand if you asked would he leave you if you got fat and his answer was yea...but children are a serious issue. Why would he stay with you if he wants children, you can't have them, and you aren't willing to adopt??? That's ludicrous to me.
 
At least he was honest and good for you for asking.

I've seen what can happen to a marriage when the wife can't have kids and the husband really wants kids of his own. The guy even brings it up in arguments 10 yrs after they found out. He definitely hold it against her and she's a fool for putting up with it.
 
Would it be preferred that he stayed with you and had kids outside? I think his answer was very admirable. Especially the adoption part.
 
princessnad said:
Huh?

How old are you?:spinning:
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She's 21.

OP i don't think you should be upset really. Children are a huge factor for people. If i was seeing someone and they told me that they weren't an option we would break up. What's the point of being with someone if you can't agree on major things?
It's better to know now because if you got married and couldn't have kids and didn't want to adopt he'd grow to resent you.
 
itsjusthair88 said:
There are few things going on in this post...you asked him a valid question and he gave you a straight-forward answer; if you don't want to know, don't ask (I say)...his willingness to adopt children is actually admirable, lots of men don't have that as an option...

As far as your views on adoption? I'm not going to insult or malign anybody, but they are a bit narrow; if a child is given the chance to live in a safe environment with people who really love them (because trust me, it takes real love to adopt a child...any fool can lay down and make a child, but someone who really wants a child will adopt) then why bot support that? I understand your disgust at the parents who "cop-out" but that is not a good reason to not support the thousands of children in adoption agencies...

@Oasis whenever you post something, it's hilarious...I think it's the siggy with the big cat...
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Umm, yeah. :look:

I have a cousin who's adopted and no one makes any distinction between her and my aunt's biological kids, that is her daughter, period.

OP, you're still young and you never know where life is going to take you. While I was never anti-adoption, I was very adamant about wanting to give birth to my own children. But it may not be in the cards for me, I'm 33 with no relationship in sight. While I'm getting to the point where I can take or a leave a relationship, I still want to be a mom. So adoption is something I've had to start seriously considering.
 
Well I just don't agree with adoption. I'm not saying that those children don't deserve a chance because they do, just not with me. I could see if it was a child that got taken out of their home for abuse or something along the lines of that, but to just willingly give up your child? Because you can't handle it? I'm not feeling that. How would you feel, after two years, after this boy proposed to you, after he tattooed your name on his arm, after living together and all that you've been through he"d just up and say "maybe".

I mean I'm probably tripping because he's open to options idk maybe I just can't wrap my head around it. The reason I asked him in the first place is because I know how badly he wants children, when we first got together I was pg but miscarried and havent been since (don't chew me out for telling my business :) ) so in the back of my head I'm wondering if something is wrong (since my last checkup not that I know of) and was just curious what he'd say.

ETA: another reason. . I really would like to experience the whole being pregnant thing one day and I cant experience that if I adopt.
 
PinkyPromise said:
Well I just don't agree with adoption. I'm not saying that those children don't deserve a chance because they do, just not with me. I could see if it was a child that got taken out of their home for abuse or something along the lines of that, but to just willingly give up your child? Because you can't handle it? I'm not feeling that. How would you feel, after two years, after this boy proposed to you, after he tattooed your name on his arm, after living together and all that you've been through he"d just up and say "maybe".

I mean I'm probably tripping because he's open to options idk maybe I just can't wrap my head around it. The reason I asked him in the first place is because I know how badly he wants children, when we first got together I was pg but miscarried and havent been since (don't chew me out for telling my business :) ) so in the back of my head I'm wondering if something is wrong (since my last checkup not that I know of) and was just curious what he'd say.

ETA: another reason. . I really would like to experience the whole being pregnant thing one day and I cant experience that if I adopt.
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This conversation should have been had way before all this happened. :look:
 
PinkyPromise said:
Thank you. I used to word "mad" out of context, I'm more so disappointed.
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yea, not understanding the harsh responses in here. I think many women would expect the man to love them anyway, but that's not always the case. If you are really scared that something is wrong, you should check with your doc for reassurance. If something is "wrong", then you will need to evaluate the relationship.

:bighug:
 
I don't understand why you think it even think it would be okay to want him to stay under such circumstances. So, you would just rob him of having children completely? And you think he is being unreasonable?

It's obvious to me you all have very different outlooks on how you want your life to be. Adoption is a non-negotiable for you and children are a non-negotiable for him. I don't think either of you are wrong for wanting what you want, but your futures may not be compatible in a major area.
 
PinkyPromise
So this isn't your bf but your fiance? I'm not sure how that would feel, tbh. But I understand that you feel hurt and probably betrayed. You wanted him to say, it doesn't matter, I'll still be here with you. Right?

I'm sorry to hear that you miscarried. If your doctor said that everything is fine, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Many women miscarry but later go on to have children. But if you can try making another appointment.

I can totally understand the feeling of wanting to be pregnant, i would like to be too someday. My gyn told me something and i thought i might not be able to have kids and I just broke down. (And I want to eventually adopt.)

OP I'd talk some more about this with your s/o. Also, it's fine if you don't change your mind but i'd read up on adoption a little too.
 
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PinkyPromise said:
Explains what? I guess because I'm younger than most I can't have my own views on life or how I want to live it. My age has nothing to do with anything. I suppose if I were older it would make a difference. No.
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You have not experience life as an adult. As you grow your priorities and feelings change. I thought something similar at your age, so I personally know where you are coming from, BUT I didn't take issue with what the opposite sex had to say about it. I rolled without hard feelings when their thinking wasn't the same as mine. NOTHING wrong with it at all, it just seemed like you took attitude with the way he felt, which he expressed after YOU ASK. To me that shows a lack of maturity and frankly now that I am 40, I realize that I was very immature at 21, but no one could tell me any different.
 
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