"I Have Concerns About Your Hair..."

lonelysky

lonelysky

Baby Chick Gate 2011
I just got off the phone with one of my aunts. She called me sometime last night and I missed her call. She left me a message that said that she wanted to talk to me. She sounded rather grave. I wondered what it could be about.

She called me again tonight and said that she wanted to talk to me because she had concerns about my hair...

I decided a few months ago to possibly start transitioning. I haven't had a relaxer since April.

Every time I see my family, they are always on me about how I need a 'perm'. Last weekend my mom visited me and told me that I 'needed to let her give me a perm'.

Anyway, my aunt called me tonight and offered to come down and spend the weekend with me and relax my hair. I thanked her for the offer, but said that I didn't plan on straightenign my hair any time in the future.

So here were her concerns:

*I have beautiful facial features and my hair can 'detract' from them.
*I want to look professional.
*I don't want people to think that I'm trying to be like 'back in the slave days' when people let their hair grow out nappy.
*If I let my hair grow out then I would have both relaxed and natural hair.
*If I grow it out natural, how would I wear it? In an...*gasp* AFRO?!?!?!
*I couln't possibly be able to manage my natural hair. I would have to use a HOTCOMB or a SOFT PERM to be able to manage it.


:wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash::wallbash:
 
Oh brother. If the hair in your siggy is anything to judge by....umm, I think your aunt should be taking advice from you. I'm just sayin':rolleyes:.
 
Lol at folks.

Girl, you do you. You know all of that stuff is either untrue or inconsequential. If you decide you want to end your transition, do it because you really want to relax and not because of the negative things you're hearing from others.

And from now on, just close the conversation down. Let them know your hair isn't a topic that's up for discussion. That way, you won't have to deal with it.
 
Wow isn't it amazing how family can react to something as simple as not wanting to relax. Or just about anything out of the "norm", don't let them get you down do what's' right for you. And maybe someday everyone will realize that our hair is simply... just hair. I hate that there are so many politics still that go into our hair that try to confine us into this small space,when our hair can do so many wonderful and unique things. It baffles me to think we're in the year 2009 and that mentallity is still out there.
 
she is fam and i am sure she loves u dearly and only wants what's best ( just as i would want for my neice) but this simply begs the question:

who is wearing the hair?
 
WOW. IDK what to say. It's kinda funny cause she is serious. I can't help but to laugh at ignorant people who know nothing about hair and hair care.

Don't let her get you down. Keep right on that natural journey(if that's what YOU choose)cause a FABULOUS one it will be.
 
she must be old. the lady that used to take care of my hair was an older woman and she said the same things to me when i decided to go natural. saying that i would stiff need to put a light relaxer on it to keep it nice. its just the times they grew up in.
 
My mom was a bit upset with me in the beginning of my transitioning journey. Now she loves my hair natural and even told me she regrets ever putting a relaxer in my hair when I was a kid. I think that you should continue on your journey and hey who knows you might even inspire others to go natural as well.
 
I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive. Yeah, transitioning is rough. Especially when other Black folks see you as an embarrassement and setting them back 400 years.
 
happylife said:
she is fam and i am sure she loves u dearly and only wants what's best ( just as i would want for my neice) but.............. who is wearing the hair?
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Right. I have three nieces of my own. I understand where she's coming from. But at the end of the day, they have to do them.
 
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ladytee2 said:
:lachen: "slave days" "afro" dang. I know it was hard listening to that and not laugh. She meant well.
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Guuuuuuuuuuuuurl. You don't even KNOW! I was repeating everything back that she said to her. I looked back at my husband and he was about to DIE. I think that he left the room to keep from laughing.
 
Look how thick and long your hair is!!! I realized that a lot of people have self-hatred. They lack the courage to accept and love themselves, then they try to pass it on to you.
 
CurlyMoo said:
I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive. Yeah, transitioning is rough. Especially when other Black folks see you as an embarrassement and setting them back 400 years.
Click to expand...

Yeah tell me about it. Every time anyone in my family even brings my hair up, its in that kind of tone that's like they're doing an intervention or something. The only person that has not been crazy was my sister (who is several years older than I am).

When my mom was visiting she started talking to me in this soft tone like, "you should let mamma put a relaxer in your hair while I'm here." I was like no. I don't need one. She was like. "Yes you do, Baby." I was like no, I don't. Then she said, "Yes, you do." I was like, no I really don't, and stop trying to sweet talk me.

It's like they tryna be passively confrontational about it.

This is the complete opposite of my friends (who are all white). Actually, my white friends are the reason I'm even considering transitioning. They're all like, "You would look so good with an afro." One of my guy friends was like, "You so need to get dreadlocks."

I'm like, shoot, if people are going to be that supportive...and you know what, its the hair that God gave me, so why not? I'm not against relaxers at all. They are a great option for a lot of people. But the thing is that I've decided that I want to have more options for my hair. I want long hair, and right now it seems like longer, natural hair would work better for me than relaxed hair.

I'm transitioning slowly, letting my hair grow an inch or two before I take 1/2-1 inch off. It seems like the back of my head will be natural before the crown and most of the front. If things get too disproportionate, then I'll get it cut reasonably.
 
shunemite said:
Look how thick and long your hair is!!! I realized that a lot of people have self-hatred. They lack the courage to accept and love themselves, then they try to pass it on to you.
Click to expand...

Thank you. And you are so right. My whole life people have always tried to project themselves on to me (especially with hair). I remember when I was a teenager the thing was that I needed to get my hair 'cut into a style' rather than just letting it grow out.
 
This happened to me and still does. I wrote two threads on it right after a couple of hurtful "interventions". I ended up having to grow a second skin and see some kin in a new, unfortunate light, though I still love them.
 
I can't believe she took time out of her life to give you that spiel. Are you kidding me?
 
HoneyA said:
I can't believe she took time out of her life to give you that spiel. Are you kidding me?
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It was like it had been bothering her and she had to get it off her chest. I couldn't believe it either. She could have at least said something about my weight. I used to be a size 8, and now I'm about a 14-16. THAT I could have halfway understood, especially considering that this aunt is a nurse and would have concerns about my health. But no. She's worried about my hair.
 
I think its very sweet of her to care so much. It probably took a lot for her to approach you about it, but based on my interpretation of what you have written, in her heart it seems her intentions (no matter how misguided) were good and based in love. You are blessed.

Did you thank her for her concern and love? Thanking her and appreciating that her comments came from a place of concern and love, does not mean you have to take her advice.

YMMV
 
CocoBunny said:
I think its very sweet of her to care so much. It probably took a lot for her to approach you about it, but based on my interpretation of what you have written, in her heart it seems her intentions (no matter how misguided) were good and based in love. You are blessed.

Did you thank her for her concern and love? Thanking her and appreciating that her comments came from a place of concern and love, does not mean you have to take her advice.

YMMV
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Yes, I actually did thank her for her concern and I think that it was based in love.
 
Not to be blunt but get used to it. You are not going to be able to change their minds about natural hair (and you shouldnt have to waste precious brain cells doing so) so the best thing to do is smile (or frown) and keep it moving. If they get too overbearing you might need to be more assertive in letting them know that you have no plans to relax your hair. They will change their tune when you come flouncing in with a head full of thick lengthy tresses. Until then they'll probably continue to ride you about your decision.
 
I agree with everyone that our families, generally, love us and try to give us the best advice they can. I am assuming your aunt is older. Unfortunately, she probably felt the things she told you are true for her and some of them may have been in her day such as "its not professional." These opinions still exist some places today, and they are usually in the Black Community. I know that when I started my job the reason i kept my natural hair gel'd down was because I thought the curly fro was not professional, but it was in my head. I wear my hair in twists, curly buns, and other styles with no negativity. Actually, I get more compliments on my hair. I also began to notice from Supervisors to Support Staff that more African-American women are rocking natural hair.

I think that transitioning is a hard thing, and you will probably face other comments, friendly and unfriendly. I just hope that you have support from others and of course you know your sisters on LHCF support you. Who knows this may be an opportunity to educate your aunt (and other family members) about natural hair and that it is beautiful.

Happy Transitioning! :grin:
 
I did not have exactly the same experience as you, but something similar happened to me a few months ago.

I had just discovered the boards and was experimenting with stretching my relaxers. Around this time, my aunt, mom, and I were on our way to Las Vegas for our annual trip. Well, since I was stretching, I decided to wear a braidout, and was completely ridiculed by my family for wearing it. Finally, I washed it out and pulled my hair in a ponytail, only to be told my hair was too thick and I was wearing a "welfare" ponytail :rolleyes:

Needless to say, my trip was ruined. But I didn't mean to hijack-just wanted to let you know it happens to most people one way or another.
 
BamaBeauty1985 said:
I did not have exactly the same experience as you, but something similar happened to me a few months ago.

I had just discovered the boards and was experimenting with stretching my relaxers. Around this time, my aunt, mom, and I were on our way to Las Vegas for our annual trip. Well, since I was stretching, I decided to wear a braidout, and was completely ridiculed by my family for wearing it. Finally, I washed it out and pulled my hair in a ponytail, only to be told my hair was too thick and I was wearing a "welfare" ponytail :rolleyes:

Needless to say, my trip was ruined. But I didn't mean to hijack-just wanted to let you know it happens to most people one way or another.
Click to expand...

A welfare ponytail? What the heck does that mean? And what did they say about your braidout?
 
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