I found out recently that my fiancé ex fiancé is white....

[charmtreese]

Now this might sound petty, and I’m totally aware of that. However, I’m not sure why it bothers me so much that my fiancé ex is white. My fiancé shared some information about how he and his ex broke up. The story is quite tragic in and of itself, for context and time sake I’ll give you all the short version.

The day before my DF was going to get married, the wedding was called of because she said that she couldn’t marry a black man!. They had been dating for 5 years by the way.

I knew how his last relationship ended before he and I started to get serious. I just didn’t her race and why she called it off.

just looking for advice. Still going through postpartum, so I’m not sure if it’s hormones or if I’m really that petty!‍

 

[calm_delight]

It would bother me too but not enough to do anything about it. If he always lusted after white women, if his celebrity crushes were white and/or if he looks at white porn in addition to having a white ex fiance, it'd be more of an issue.

 

[Transformer]

My current spouse, girlfriend was a trashy white girl. I didn’t know until much later while dating.

 

[Lylddlebit]

I get it. There is something special about evidence in your man's past that confirms and reaffirms he that he finally found you. Stuff like this can cause you to question it. Now I wouldn't inflate the revelation that he used to like the white girl to more than what it was and just because she left doesn't mean they had the potential to last, she was what was best for him or even that he was his best for her. I encourage you to figure out through the evidence of your relationship and dynamic with him why you are sure it's the real thing with ya'll are together. I encourage you to really question if he became his best for you. Best wishes.

 

[charmtreese]

It would bother me too but not enough to do anything about it. If he always lusted after white women, if his celebrity crushes were white and/or if he looks at white porn in addition to having a white ex fiance, it'd be more of an issue.

Yea, I’m not planning on doing anything about it...but honestly I look at him a little differently.

 

[charmtreese]

My current spouse, girlfriend was a trashy white girl. I didn’t know until much later while dating.

Did it make you look at him differently?

 

[charmtreese]

I get it. There is something special about evidence in your man's past that confirms and reaffirms he that he finally found you. Stuff like this can cause you to question it. Now I wouldn't inflate that revelation to more than what it was since just because she left doesn't mean they had the potential to last, she was what was best for him or even that he was his best for her. I encourage you to figure out through the evidence of your relationship and dynamic with him why you are sure it's the real thing with ya'll are together. Best wishes.

Thanks for this!

 

[Transformer]

Did it make you look at him differently?

Yes....it told me something about him. He was 17 at the time. To me it emphasized the behavior of a backward country boy with a huge inferiority complex Indoctrination. It took years to shake that programming. He left for the college/military And never wanted to returned. I’d like to think that I with crucial in his reprogramming.

However had I known before things had progressed.....we wouldn’t have happened.

 

[Rastafarai]

Any idea if he dated Black women before you??

If not, my only concern would be that he may still desire and prefer white women but out of hurt, decided to "settle" with his own kind.

You know him better than we do, but trust your feelings here. You asked this question for a reason.

 

[charmtreese]

Any idea if he dated Black women before you??

If not, my only concern would be that he may still desire and prefer white women but out of hurt, decided to "settle" with his own kind.

You know him better than we do, but trust your feelings here. You asked this question for a reason.

Yes, he has dated black women in the past. He and I use to see each other back in the day prior to him meeting his ex.

That “settling” part is what I think I’m so fixated on.

 

[Transformer]

Do you know if he had a motivation....meaning.....a lot of Black men do it because they view as a Flex to other Black men or a finger to white men. They are uncomfortable but somehow it inflates their ego.

Five years is a long time to date. What was he social economic background? Sounds like she was dating him for street cred.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

Honestly, I wouldn’t think about it much. You guys are engaged with a baby on the way. The exfiance whether white or black is in the past. As long as he’s not still talking to her now there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Have you ever dated someone outside your race? If so then think of it as the same thing. Dating outside your race doesn’t necessarily mean you have a preference of one race over the other, sometimes it’s just who you happen to meet and connect with at the time.

 

[NijaG]

Demand more from him. No leeway’s about what you want or desire.

 

[Evolving78]

Hope everything works out OP. Take care of yourself and your new baby.

 

[awhyley]

Yes....it told me something about him. He was 17 at the time. To me it emphasized the behavior of a backward country boy with a huge inferiority complex Indoctrination. It took years to shake that programming. He left for the college/military And never wanted to returned. I’d like to think that I with crucial in his reprogramming.

However had I known before things had progressed.....we wouldn’t have happened.

@Transformer, Can you outline this reprogramming you speak of?

 

[Lylddlebit]

I think becoming a mom while still being engaged during a pandemic is a bigger factor than the white girl. However the white girl is a tangible face to put on areas it doesn't belong on. That's why you have to be genuine with yourself OP and examine your relationship for what it is. Stuff like why are you with him? Why do you believe he is with you? Why were you willing to become the mother of his child? Why did you two become engaged? Is parenthood a decision or response? These are not to answer for the board. I just want to make sure you aren't fixating on the white girl and dismissing legitimate concerns you have that are about your man that are a factor of what specifically goes on between you and your man. I also want to to make sure you don't inflate poor decisions that people make and learn from to be more than poor choices that they survived, were delivered from, were already punished for or moved on from.

Honestly, I wouldn’t think about it much. You guys are engaged with a baby on the way. The exfiance whether white or black is in the past. As long as he’s not still talking to her now there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Have you ever dated someone outside your race? If so then think of it as the same thing. Dating outside your race doesn’t necessarily mean you have a preference of one race over the other, sometimes it’s just who you happen to meet and connect with at the time.

 

[Transformer]

@Transformer, Can you outline this reprogramming you speak of?

The typical stuff—-you can speak out against white authority. Yes-you’re a dark skinned Black man which in no way lessens your intelligence.

 

[charmtreese]

Do you know if he had a motivation....meaning.....a lot of Black men do it because they view as a Flex to other Black men or a finger to white men. They are uncomfortable but somehow it inflates their ego.

Five years is a long time to date. What was he social economic background? Sounds like she was dating him for street cred.

I don't know if he had motivation. I remember years ago prior to us getting serious he had contacted me via email and we would chat about work, relationships etc. I was in a relationship at the time and he said that he was seeing white girls. I kind of teased him about it, as he made it seem more of a sexual thing and nothing serious. I never tagged him for the type that would settle down with one though.

He has a good job, college educated, ambitious, comes from a large family that he is very close to, no siblings, no kids, other than the one we just had. The story also goes that his mom refused to go to the wedding.

 

[charmtreese]

Honestly, I wouldn’t think about it much. You guys are engaged with a baby on the way. The exfiance whether white or black is in the past. As long as he’s not still talking to her now there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Have you ever dated someone outside your race? If so then think of it as the same thing. Dating outside your race doesn’t necessarily mean you have a preference of one race over th

You are right, I shouldn't think much about it...and at this point we are moving forward with our life. I haven't expressed any of this to him because he hesitated telling me about her in the first place because he thought I would judge him (I guess he was kind of right). No, he doesn't talk to her, and I don't believe he still desires her at all...
Yes, I've dated outside of my race a time or two...but I never really saw myself marrying outside of my race.

 

[charmtreese]

Demand more from him. No leeway’s about what you want or desire.

What do you mean by demand more from him? More information about his ex? Other than the fact that I know this information about him, we are good. I mean he could help out more around the house and a few other things...but for the most part we have a good relationship.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Yes, he has dated black women in the past. He and I use to see each other back in the day prior to him meeting his ex.

That “settling” part is what I think I’m so fixated on.

Not being judgmental. I think the answer to why that is a fixation is partially race but also lies in whether you became engaged before or after your pregnancy.

 

[Theresamonet]

This seems like a pretty big thing to not know about your fiancé, and someone you’ve just had a child with. Not just the race of his ex, but that he’d been dumped by his fiancé the day before the wedding, because she decided not to marry a black man. If you knew the story, you’d have known her race. I’m assuming that would be something really traumatic and hurtful for your FH to have gone through, and you’re just finding out about it. Did you even know that he was previously engaged to the ex?

 

[charmtreese]

I think becoming a mom while still being engaged during a pandemic is a bigger factor than the white girl. However the white girl is a tangible face to put on areas it doesn't belong on. That's why you have to be genuine with yourself OP and examine your relationship for what it is. Stuff like why are you with him? Why do you believe he is with you? Why were you willing to become the mother of his child? Why did you two become engaged? Is parenthood a decision or response? These are not to answer for the board. I just want to make sure you aren't fixating on the white girl and dismissing legitimate concerns you have that are about your man that are a factor of what specifically goes on between you and your man. I also want to to make sure you don't inflate poor decisions that people make and learn from to be more than poor choices that they survived, were delivered from, were already punished for or moved on from.

OMG Lyddlebit, you are so right!

Not being judgmental. I think the answer to why that is a fixation is partially race but also lies in whether you became engaged before or after your pregnancy.
The pregnancy was planned. He’s 43 and I’m 42, so time was of the essence. We got engaged 6 months into the pregnancy. We discussed getting married before getting pregnant, however we decided to concentrate on baby first.

 

[charmtreese]

This seems like a pretty big thing to not know about your fiancé, and someone you’ve just had a child with. Not just the race of his ex, but that he’d been dumped by his fiancé the day before the wedding, because she decided not to marry a black man. If you knew the story, you’d have known her race. I’m assuming that would be something really traumatic and hurtful for your FH to have gone through, and you’re just finding out about it. Did you even know that he was previously engaged to the ex?

I knew that he had been dumped by his ex before the wedding as soon as we reconnected. That was one of the first things he told me. I just didn’t know her race and all the particulars. Both he and I were engaged to other people prior to reconnecting. I didn’t go into a lot of detail about my ex with him, so I wasn’t alarmed when he didn’t go into a lot of detail about his ex with me. When I initially asked about his ex and why they ended, he said because she was deceitful. When I found out that she broke it off right before the wedding, I filled in the blanks and figured that she cheated or something.

I guess it’s my bad for not asking more questions regarding that situation.

 

[Transformer]

I knew that he had been dumped by his ex before the wedding as soon as we reconnected. That was one of the first things he told me. I just didn’t know her race and all the particulars. Both he and I were engaged to other people prior to reconnecting. I didn’t go into a lot of detail about my ex with him, so I wasn’t alarmed when he didn’t go into a lot of detail about his ex with me. When I initially asked about his ex and why they ended, he said because she was deceitful. When I found out that she broke it off right before the wedding, I filled in the blanks and figured that she cheated or something.

I guess it’s my bad for not asking more questions regarding that situation.

Congratulations on the baby.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yes, he has dated black women in the past. He and I use to see each other back in the day prior to him meeting his ex.

That “settling” part is what I think I’m so fixated on.

Do you feel like the prize to your man? You know the truth in your heart.

 

[caribeandiva]

The pregnancy was planned

So how long were you together before planning to get pregnant?

 

[charmtreese]

So how long were you together before planning to get pregnant?

About a year and a half.

 

[caribeandiva]

About a year and a half.

I find it odd that her race never came up in all that time. Did you not ask or was he not forthcoming with the answers? I’m surprised no one in his friends group or his family told you what happened. It was obviously a traumatic experience for him getting dumped at the altar like that. And getting dumped BECAUSE he was black too. That’s a double whammy! I’d feel some type of way for sure if I was in your shoes. What you’re wondering is:
Did he settle for you because his white kween dumped him right before the wedding? To me it’s concerning that he omitted such a key piece of info for so long. You 2 need to talk. You might even need to see a marriage counselor. You just had a baby so your hormones and your emotions are high right now. Dig deeper and you’ll find your answer.

 

[Transformer]

Sometimes the past need to stay in the past. It is perfectly fine to be satisfied based on what he does and how he treats you now. /however this doesn’t stop you from noting this in the character flaw list.

Now being totally honest, I think yall should make a trip to the courthouse.,,, a wedding can wait. Legal papers are extremely important when children Are involved? I also don’t understand why it took until you were six months along to get engaged. He was willing to walk down the aisle with someone who hadn’t borne his child.