Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I agree with everything you said.
I found out recently that my fiancé ex fiancé is white....
- Thread starter charmtreese
- Start date
caribeandiva
Human being
Agreed 100%!
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
OP please do not feel any pressure rush down the aisle. Him being willing to walk down the isle with the woman in the past is a terrible qualifier to what goes on in your relationship. Particularly when that specific scenario only proves he almost made an epic mistake. Yes having a child by him is a big deal but please don't equate his willingness to become a father or even get married to someone else in the past with readiness to be the husband you deserve. OP you have the right to feel out your situation and decide if/when/how the relationship should progress. By truly evaluating it, you can prevent mistakes, misery, divorce and regret in the future. Getting married in the courthouse very well may be the best choice for you and you will save good money to put towards your home, baby's college fund or whatever if you take that option. Once you do get married to the husband you deserve that will be an extra layer of security as previously mentioned for you and the baby. I just want you to be secure in whatever decision you make, as a checks and balances that you are doing what is best for you. I want you to make sure this scenario that introduced momentary insecurity is resolved to your satisfaction before you make the next step. That's all. I am rooting for you.
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Evolving78
Well-Known Member
They are engaged. They need to be married and not just wait around for a wedding. Being married will give her and her child a lot more financial security if something were to happen to him. She deliberately planned to have a child with this man. If he is good enough to plan a child with, then he should be good enough for her to marry him. Being skeptical about him marrying a white girl is not even an issue at this point. That was why this thread went quiet. She is not a young girl. She is a grown, grown woman.
look I just had some vitamins, so excuse the tone, but yeah she needs to head to the courthouse ASAP.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
Respectfully, my post is not about waiting around to get married or whether she should get married or not. That is for her insight and experience to determine. My post is about making the type of informed decisions the rise from good judgment judgment. I am not equating making good, informed, prudent decisions with that process being long or drawn out, but I also wont assume there isn't a valid reason for the current status. Don't worry I am not put off by your tone, we can disagree.
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Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
I think that if her fiance is treating her well and there are no red flags, then the past should stay in the past . Everyone makes mistakes. I personally would not want to be judged by a new partner on past relationship mistakes.
I am not 100% sure that the race overly matters as much as the fact that the man was rejected at the altar by major love. Yes, I understand he was rejected because of his race. It is just that I believe many women would feel some type of insecurity about a man who was rejected at the altar about that regardless of what race the woman was. Women will find other ways to relentlessly torture themseves, ie the other woman was prettier, smarter, better job, more education...................
IF all else is good, the OP should not give any more power to this white ghost of the past.
Regarding the fact he never mentioned his ex's race.... maybe he didn't want to relive the humiliation? Aside from that, I don't think to tell new parteners all the details and race of previous partners.
I am not 100% sure that the race overly matters as much as the fact that the man was rejected at the altar by major love. Yes, I understand he was rejected because of his race. It is just that I believe many women would feel some type of insecurity about a man who was rejected at the altar about that regardless of what race the woman was. Women will find other ways to relentlessly torture themseves, ie the other woman was prettier, smarter, better job, more education...................
IF all else is good, the OP should not give any more power to this white ghost of the past.
Regarding the fact he never mentioned his ex's race.... maybe he didn't want to relive the humiliation? Aside from that, I don't think to tell new parteners all the details and race of previous partners.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Re: rushing to get married
The OP says that she's known the man for years before they started dating. It sounds like they got history before the white girl. All of the qualities that she's listed besides the white girls pass the smell check of eligibility. They are middle aged people (I am too so stop) and mom is well above the high risk pregnancy age so while "I" would have just ran to the courthouse to get it out the way, I can see why there was a emphasis on getting pregnant. They ain't working on the same time line as some of ya'll young thundercats.
Alladat said, there is no apparent rush. OP is engaged, she is pregnant pregnant and marriage is the next logical step.
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I think that it is valid to question what's good if you find out that you differ significantly from the "type" a man has dated but if he's not giving you any red flags to think he's tryna go back then leave it alone. Most women don't like to think that they share looks and mannerisms with their dudes ex but more times than not, we do and that can transcend race.
The OP says that she's known the man for years before they started dating. It sounds like they got history before the white girl. All of the qualities that she's listed besides the white girls pass the smell check of eligibility. They are middle aged people (I am too so stop) and mom is well above the high risk pregnancy age so while "I" would have just ran to the courthouse to get it out the way, I can see why there was a emphasis on getting pregnant. They ain't working on the same time line as some of ya'll young thundercats.
Alladat said, there is no apparent rush. OP is engaged, she is pregnant pregnant and marriage is the next logical step.
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I think that it is valid to question what's good if you find out that you differ significantly from the "type" a man has dated but if he's not giving you any red flags to think he's tryna go back then leave it alone. Most women don't like to think that they share looks and mannerisms with their dudes ex but more times than not, we do and that can transcend race.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
So if it’s just about wanting to have a baby vs. wanting a family then there is nothing else to see here, unless there is another motive going on. I’ll say this, a child ties you to a person for life and the next. You can’t divorce baby daddies. You have to deal with everything and everybody that comes with him for the rest of your days. You can’t make any moves without including him into your plans as well as your child’s. So who was trying to lock who down?
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
This is both our first marriage, so we would like to have a wedding. My son already has his last name and I don't have a fear of him leaving. We picked out my engagement ring together when I was about 4 months. I wasn't with him when he purchased it, but I knew that he was going to propose. He asked my dad for permission to marry me months before we went engagement ring shopping. Our plan was baby first then wedding. I know it sounds backwards but we aren't getting any younger and we wanted to focus on having a healthy baby.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
I love him and I believe he loves me which is why we are getting married.
Just to add a little more insight:
We are living together. I moved into his home and I'm currently renting out my house. Finding out the race of his ex (and the entire story of how it ended) shortly after having a baby was just a bit much emotionally. We have talked a lot since I originally posted this and I do feel better about the situation. I just tend to "go down the rabbit hole" sometimes and it was just really hard for me to wrap my head around why he even asked her to marry him in the first place. I found her on FB and after seeing her, well let's just say I had a lot more questions.
I appreciate your advice and all of the ladies that responded to this thread. I wanted unbias opinions from a group of women that I trust and respect and I got that! Thank you for taking the time out to respond.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
You can still have a wedding. Plenty folks do it the French way....legal, civil union and then a fancy shindig. As an adult you have the right to do things in whatever priority order you like Even if others disagree.
Remember that legally, federal benefits require a marriage length of nine months. Anything could happen between now and the date of the fancy shindig. We could have COVID 2.0.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
My post wasn't questioning whether I should marry him or not. We are getting married, dress is already purchased, date set, deposit on venue and planning on the way. I was more or less wanting to vent, discuss and release! I really don't want a courthouse wedding even though that did come up when we discussed if we were going to have a wedding or not. This is my first marriage, so I would like to have a wedding. Even though I'm not in my 20's I still would like to have a nice wedding.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
Thank You!!! Your entire post is 100% accurate.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
Thank you for stating this. We both wanted a baby. We could have focused on getting married first, however at my age every second counts when tryin to conceive. I'm glad that I have my baby and that he is healthy and happy. I couldn't imagine life without him and now I can concentrate on this wedding. In the meantime FH and I are talking more and figuring things out.
Is her being white the only reason you couldn't wrap your head around it? Black men have been asking white women to marry them because they like em for some time now lol. Empty engagements are easy to come by, but introducing to family and friends and actually planning the wedding is something else.
Now I want to know what she looks like. I can guess
In my country, usually they are fat and blonde.Evolving78
Well-Known Member
You can
And my post wasn’t questioning whether you should marry him either. Nobody would even know y’all went to the court house. You are already living with this man. Make that official! You can have a wedding whenever. I’m talking about you and your baby having security as a married woman and this is coming from experience. Get that license ASAP. If something was to happen, you have no legal say so. You wouldn’t even be able to have any say in the care that he would need, insurance or anything. Are you a beneficiary or anything? Are you aware that if something were to happen, you have to show proof he is the father to get any death benefits like social security and you might end having to go through his family? I’m talking to you as a friend that has been married and a single parent. Get your papers and business in order first. We are living in different times. And your baby gets put in the system with the parents listed as single.. think about that.
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Evolving78
Well-Known Member
That’s why I asked was this about just wanting to have a baby vs a family. Your agenda was more focused on becoming a mother, so like I said the white girl thing wasn’t even important at this point. You got what you wanted so there was nothing else to see or even say.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
You hit the nail on the head!!!!!!Is her being white the only reason you couldn't wrap your head around it? Black men have been asking white women to marry them because they like em for some time now lol. Empty engagements are easy to come by, but introducing to family and friends and actually planning the wedding is something else.
Now I want to know what she looks like. I can guess
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
I completely understand your point. Yes, we are listed as each others beneficiary. That's a discussion we will have, honestly I didn't think of all of the things you mentioned. Thanks!!
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
It's about us being a family as well though. If I would have known about the ex in it's entirety prior to discussions of having a baby and marriage, I'm sure I would have still moved forward. It was just the shock of it all when he told me because I wasn't expecting that.
But to be transparent, he told me this only after I told him about a personal situation in my past.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
@charmtreese
I sincerely wish you the best on your upcoming wedding and marriage and Congrats on becoming a new mommy! Enjoy all of the precious moments you can, because he grow up so fast before your eyes! Cute baby shoes one day, then Size Men’s 12 the next! Lol
I sincerely wish you the best on your upcoming wedding and marriage and Congrats on becoming a new mommy! Enjoy all of the precious moments you can, because he grow up so fast before your eyes! Cute baby shoes one day, then Size Men’s 12 the next! Lol
Transformer
Well-Known Member
@charmtreese
Humor me. What did your father actually say when asked for permission to marry you. My father was hilarious and OLDE SCHOOL so I know what his reply would have been.
Humor me. What did your father actually say when asked for permission to marry you. My father was hilarious and OLDE SCHOOL so I know what his reply would have been.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
Well, this happened during the height of the pandemic.... I was at my parents house visiting for Father's Day and my FH called and they just had a conversation over the phone. However after the call was over, my dad was like "That was Calvin, he asked for your hand in marriage". Me - "What did you say" Dad - "What was I supposed to say...you're already pregnant" Me -
Unfortunately, I didn't hear the conversation...but my mom and I had the TV turned down and we were ear hustling as hard as possible.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Well, this happened during the height of the pandemic.... I was at my parents house visiting for Father's Day and my FH called and they just had a conversation over the phone. However after the call was over, my dad was like "That was Calvin, he asked for your hand in marriage". Me - "What did you say" Dad - "What was I supposed to say...you're already pregnant" Me -
Unfortunately, I didn't hear the conversation...but my mom and I had the TV turned down and we were ear hustling as hard as possible.
Yeah, my Dad would have said...because he actually did..”so now you are requesting my permission, you didn’t ask permission to .....”
Why would you think you were the one he settled for vs she was...clearly she had issues with how things ended...
Remember you are the prize. Always.
Knowing my man dated white women before would make me look at him different but this could also be a Russell Wilson and Ciara type upgrade.
charmtreese
Well-Known Member
Girl! Please don't think that the thought of him being with Becky doesn't still make me feel some type of way! But honestly me finding out later was for the best. Because knowing me, if I would have known everything from the beginning, I probably wouldn't be here now...and I would have missed out on my blessings.
caribeandiva
Human being
I’d be side eyeing him even more now!!
