Help with my ex

[ThickHair]

no, How can I convince him that 4a isnt ugly? I dont want to be with him. I was saying it is disrespectful to me.

It isn't YOUR job to education him. He believes what he believes and you can't change it. You are really fighting an uphill battle.

I just have a question for you: Why is it so important to you to prove 4a hair isn't ugly? Let's just say he no longer finds it ugly, what is in it for you? IMHO nothing because he an ex and you do not want to get back with him, according to your post. Again IMHO when a person puts in a lot of work toward a goal, they usually want some return. I find it odd that you are stating over and over again that you don't want nothing. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

BTW from your avatar you do have GOOD HAIR, nice healthy looking hair.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

The ladies have given you some very good advice regarding the ex. We are all grown and make choices and decisions in our lives.

It sounds like even after you have explained these certain issues to him to help him understand he still chooses to believe otherwise. As the saying goes you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

He is believing what he wants to believe it does not mesh with your beliefs or what identifies you as a beautiful woman of color. Now here is where you have choices you can move on with your life and find someone who will see the beauty in your or you can keep trying to make him understand. I think you realize the women here are all in agreement that you should move on completely. In time, what he thinks and how he thinks won't matter one bit to you.

Now for your hair and typing. If you have NOT had a relaxer since May of 2008 (which you posted in your siggy, you should have by now seen some considerable new growth to at least make some determination of what your hair type is.

You have managed to keep your hair growing with the two textures and it looks healthy in your siggy so you are doing something right no matter what the texture is.

Let me say this it is GOOD HAIR regardless of the type. It is healthy and growing THAT is GOOD HAIR.

This man is a lot of drama which I don't think you need at least not that type of drama. Let him stay your ex and create for yourself the atmosphere and people you want to surround yourself with.

Wishing you all the best.

thank you very much mscocoface you are right

 

[Georgia_Curly]

It isn't YOUR job to education him. He believes what he believes and you can't change it. You are really fighting an uphill battle.

I just have a question for you: Why is it so important to you to prove 4a hair isn't ugly? Let's just say he no longer finds it ugly, what is in it for you? IMHO nothing because he an ex and you do not want to get back with him, according to your post. Again IMHO when a person puts in a lot of work toward a goal, they usually want some return. I find it odd that you are stating over and over again that you don't want nothing. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

BTW from your avatar you do have GOOD HAIR, nice healthy looking hair.

this is not directed toward u

I know what good hair is and what's bad hair is I always knew that..so that wasnt a problem. ok as far as me wanting to know about my ancestors I think thats good but IT ISNT to find if i'm mixed or not(I thought I said that). If I do come across other races in my family then thats fine with me it wont make me a different person at all. Just know that I am not looking for different races. the Babymomma thing all I wanted to know is did I do that right thing by telling him not to mention her name and w/e to me when we was together or was I just being to sensitive to that. The baby thing again I have no problem with that because she isnt my problem..far from it. why do I care what he thinks? when I dated him I did care what he thought he didnt mention the hair thing until the end of the relationship. Why am I mentioning it now because I want to know if I was doing the right thing.

ok now to blackhair:

if he doesnt find it ugly good for him and whats in it for me Just him knowing that it isnt and all hair is beautiful not just a specific type... just him thinking that way..that its ugly he will spread that to his future children(if he has any)...That's teaching them to hate their own hair or others(is just wrong) then children like that going to school teasing others saying their hair is bad. IMO people should want that to stop. thank you for your compliment blackhair

 

[SvelteVelvet]

You don't need help with your EX, you need help with yourself.

 

[BellaLunie]

you guess??

I dont want to be mixed. I like said If I am mixed then I am. It doesnt matter one way or another. I dont think(dna test) its a bit much at all but like you said it is your opinion and I respect that.

Someone else said we're all mixed and I truly believe that also. I also believe that we all need to know where were come from but if you're just tracing your lineage to see if you are mixed is wrong in my opinion. The way I'm interpreting this whole thing is that he rejected you for whatever reason and you're trying to win his affection in one way or the other. He is not worthy! The fact that he can walk away from a child he basically raised makes him less of a man in my book and you deserve so much better. He is ignorant and it's not your place to educate him. I apologize for my earlier statement.

 

[Makenzie]

ok now to blackhair:

if he doesnt find it ugly good for him and whats in it for me Just him knowing that it isnt and all hair is beautiful not just a specific type... just him thinking that way..that its ugly he will spread that to his future children(if he has any)...That's teaching them to hate their own hair or others(is just wrong) then children like that going to school teasing others saying their hair is bad. IMO people should want that to stop. thank you for your compliment blackhair

You can't change the bolded. There is always someone who is going to think off base thoughts. Can't change everyone. The most you can do is IF you come in contact with the faux daughter rolleyes, make sure she has a positive vibe from you. Other than that, I'd let this go. Not worth the energy or the stress.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

Someone else said we're all mixed and I truly believe that also. I also believe that we all need to know where were come from but if you're just tracing your lineage to see if you are mixed is wrong in my opinion. The way I'm interpreting this whole thing is that he rejected you for whatever reason and you're trying to win his affection in one way or the other. He is not worthy! The fact that he can walk away from a child he basically raised makes him less of a man in my book and you deserve so much better. He is ignorant and it's not your place to educate him. I apologize for my earlier statement.

I definitely agree with you that everyone should want know their lineage but I think some people think that when someone try to find out their lineage or w/e that other people think their trying to find other races in their family..which for me isnt the case for me. I just want to know where my great grandfather came from because he didnt know his parents. He was raised by his neighbors and when he got to his teens he was raised by his wife's parents. I want to be able to go back to atleast my 4x greatgrandmother if not more because I when I was high school we had to do projects on this. Mines was always half done because FAMILY MEMEBERS DIDNT ASK NOR WRITE THINGS DOWN and save them for future generations. By the time my grandparents was old they dont remeber these things or they died thats one way how people get lost in knowing their own heritage.

I know that it isnt my place to educate him but it makes me feel like if no one else is going to tell the trut,h he is going to go through life not knowing and I feel like I should atleast say "hey that isnt true or this is the right way to go about this?" He SHOULD already know these things I dont him going around saying things that arent true to people. Apology accepted no harm done

 

[TCatt86]

Why are you concerned about what an ex boyfriend thinks? He seems like a jackbutt, be happy he's an ex and find someone that will love you and every aspect of you. You can't convince him that type 4 hair is beautiful, it's a loss cause, use that energy on making yourself happy.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

You can't change the bolded. There is always someone who is going to think off base thoughts. Can't change everyone. The most you can do is IF you come in contact with the faux daughter rolleyes, make sure she has a positive vibe from you. Other than that, I'd let this go. Not worth the energy or the stress.

lol she should be 3yrs old now idk if the other ex would even want me around her child. I just wish her the best and thank you for commenting prettybrowneyes

 

[Georgia_Curly]

Why are you concerned about what an ex boyfriend thinks? He seems like a jackbutt, be happy he's an ex and find someone that will love you and every aspect of you. You can't convince him that type 4 hair is beautiful, it's a loss cause, use that energy on making yourself happy.

lol that he is and thank you I have found someone that does just that

 

[michelle81]

this is not directed toward u

I know what good hair is and what's bad hair is I always knew that..so that wasnt a problem. ok as far as me wanting to know about my ancestors I think thats good but IT ISNT to find if i'm mixed or not(I thought I said that). If I do come across other races in my family then thats fine with me it wont make me a different person at all. Just know that I am not looking for different races. the Babymomma thing all I wanted to know is did I do that right thing by telling him not to mention her name and w/e to me when we was together or was I just being to sensitive to that. The baby thing again I have no problem with that because she isnt my problem..far from it. why do I care what he thinks? when I dated him I did care what he thought he didnt mention the hair thing until the end of the relationship. Why am I mentioning it now because I want to know if I was doing the right thing.

ok now to blackhair:

if he doesnt find it ugly good for him and whats in it for me Just him knowing that it isnt and all hair is beautiful not just a specific type... just him thinking that way..that its ugly he will spread that to his future children(if he has any)...That's teaching them to hate their own hair or others(is just wrong) then children like that going to school teasing others saying their hair is bad. IMO people should want that to stop. thank you for your compliment blackhair

Yeah, for future reference - I do think you are being too sensitive with the baby and babymomma issues. Surely you had to know about this child pretty early on in the relationship. It seems that he feels it is his child (regardless of even though she isn't). Of course his "child" would be important to him.

My DH has a child that he cared for for almost four years before finding out it wasn't his. He still calls the girl's mother by her name (what else should he call her), and I mention her (by name) as well. Why not?

I don't think in the future you should date anyone who doesn't have some of the same things in common as you, especially someone who a child.


That's all I can comment on. I agree with what everyone else said about the hair issue. You can't change his mind on that. I personally don't like "yellow-skinned" guys. They're cute/okay, but just not for me. You're just not his type.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

Yeah, for future reference - I do think you are being too sensitive with the baby and babymomma issues. Surely you had to know about this child pretty early on in the relationship. It seems that he feels it is his child (regardless of even though she isn't). Of course his "child" would be important to him.

My DH has a child that he cared for for almost four years before finding out it wasn't his. He still calls the girl's mother by her name (what else should he call her), and I mention her (by name) as well. Why not?

I don't think in the future you should date anyone who doesn't have some of the same things in common as you, especially someone who a child.


That's all I can comment on. I agree with what everyone else said about the hair issue. You can't change his mind on that. I personally don't like "yellow-skinned" guys. They're cute/okay, but just not for me. You're just not his type.

I may not be he his type but I think it was crazy of him to ask "would I be his g/f"

 

[michelle81]

lol she should be 3yrs old now idk if the other ex would even want me around her child. I just wish her the best and thank you for commenting prettybrowneyes

I know this isn't necessarily on topic but since you mentioned it - I don't think I'd want you around my daughter if I were the mother. I don't think that dating/marrying someone with a child/children is for everyone.

I think some (maybe even yourself) should recognize this and avoid these kind of relaionships or situations.

 

[michelle81]

I may not be he his type but I think it was crazy of him to ask "would I be his g/f"

Well, I think you said that he thought you had/have what he perceives as "good hair". He thinks yours is 3-something when it's possible 4a.

 

[Xavier]

Beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder. There is no amount of talking, essay writing, crying, preaching, texting, twittering, etc. that is going to convince him or anybody else that 4abz hair is beautiful. This is something that an indiviual will have to realize on their own. There is nothing you can do about it, so just LET IT GO!

 

[Georgia_Curly]

I know this isn't necessarily on topic but since you mentioned it - I don't think I'd want you around my daughter if I were the mother. I don't think that dating/marrying someone with a child/children is for everyone.

I think some (maybe even yourself) should recognize this and avoid these kind of relaionships or situations.

I could understand that I wouldnt want her to be around my child either If I had one

I thought I could handle him being a father but the kicker is when he said it wasnt his and to me its like what else would he lie about? I knew him wayy before he knew the ex and before she had a child

 

[DigitalRain]

I can't believe you are actually entertaining this fool I can only deal with so much stupidity before I have to just shut it down. He sounds super stupid.

 

[BellaLunie]

I know this isn't necessarily on topic but since you mentioned it - I don't think I'd want you around my daughter if I were the mother. I don't think that dating/marrying someone with a child/children is for everyone.

I think some (maybe even yourself) should recognize this and avoid these kind of relaionships or situations.

I'd be madder than fish grease if my ex brought another woman around my child..just me

 

[michelle81]

I could understand that I wouldnt want her to be around my child either If I had one

I thought I could handle him being a father but the kicker is when he said it wasnt his and to me its like what else would he lie about? I knew him wayy before he knew the ex and before she had a child

I still don't understand your point. Some people don't or can't suddenly change their feelings about a child because of the lack of DNA.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

I still don't understand your point. Some people don't or can't suddenly change their feelings about a child because of the lack of DNA.

I dont want him to change his feelings.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

I'd be madder than fish grease if my ex brought another woman around my child..just me

me to I dont see the point of an ex needing to be around my child at all. She cant do anything for me or my child.

 

[Georgia_Curly]

I still don't understand your point. Some people don't or can't suddenly change their feelings about a child because of the lack of DNA.

the point of him lying to me...hwhy lie about someone being your child?? he probably does want children but lying about it isnt cool at all

 

[deltadreamland]

erplexed

 

[BellaLunie]

me to I dont see the point of an ex needing to be around my child at all. She cant do anything for me or my child.

Lol girl if I were you and he came around me I'd run in the other direction! Count your blessings and move on you are too pretty for this mess

 

[Georgia_Curly]

Lol girl if I were you and he came around me I'd run in the other direction! Count your blessings and move on you are too pretty for this mess

My same exact thought lol thank you for your advice and compliment

 

[rara171]

my ex said he doesn't date anyone unless they have "good hair". he doesn't want his babies havin...blah blah blah...

i'm sure my statement won't help the cause of wherever this thread is going... it just reminded me of it.

 

[varaneka]

if he's your ex why are your afraid of him leaving?

 

[mw138]

If he's your ex it shouldn't matter because he's not with you. Let him go on his merry way and find whatever woman he wants. You find a man you loves EVERYTHING about you and doesn't have stipulations.

 

[MissYocairis]

no, How can I convince him that 4a isnt ugly? I dont want to be with him. I was saying it is disrespectful to me.

Mwdezi interpreted your OP that way (as did I and others) because you posted the following...

I’m still in love with him but those reasons make me not want to talk to him. I tried not talking to him and ignoring him but it doesn’t work. I want him to still be in my life. He was my first love. What should I do?

It seems that you are not being honest with yourself about the situation.

You are worried about a man whom you are in love with and want in your life, seeing your natural hair texture. If you didn't want to be with him, you wouldn't care what he thought of your natural hair texture. It would be a non-issue.

You spent a great deal of time explaining your quest to find your ancestry in your OP. It seems to be something he's given you a complex about...or, rather, something that you had a complex about that he has fed and caused to grow larger. Mixed people, black people, white people, asian, hispanic, etc...are all 'best'...there's no superiority. It sounds like you believe yourself that there is a benefit for you personally should you find that you have some non-black blood in you. Your middle paragraph is like a manifesto of sorts. With all the requisite disclaimers for political correctness.

Forgive us for jumping to the conclusion that you may have need to feel 'better' via hair-typing and/or non-black blood but you yourself have framed the story in such a way. By introducing us to the man you are in love with and his personal preferences, then explaining that you are concerned you will be exposed as not fitting into that, then going on a parenthetical description of how and why you should get your ancestry traced with particular attention to non-black lineage, and then summing it all up with revealing you love him and want him in your life.

And, I can't help but wonder if the little girl and the baby mama aren't mixed/white? You seem particularly concerned about her presence as it relates to your own position with him based on your hair pattern.

 

[locabouthair]

It sad that there are people that ignorant and it's sad that you even care what he thinks.