I don't know what to do. Im scared to make a move.

S

Star86

New Member
So i've been dating my significant other for close to three years now. 6 months ago, he found out that he has a 5 year old child. I've tried to get used to the situation, but it just really hurts my heart. Whever his child has been with us, I have treated her kindly, and like a member of my family. However, the pain just hurts so badly. I guess the hardest part is that I didn't walk into the situation knowing that he already had a child. I love my boyfriend so much, but i don't know if i can do this. Any advice? Honestly, how would you react if your boyfriend found out that he had a child? Would you stay or would you go?
 
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I've been there. I can tell you it's hard!!I was with my ex for almost a year and he found out he had a 2 yr old son. He had a 3 yr old daughter by this same woman and the woman thought another guy was the father until he got the test done.

Girl, I felt like he had a child while we were together and it was hard to grasp but we got through it and stayed together for 5 yrs. The children were a strain on the relationship (blended families are soooo trying) but we broke up for other reasons.

I guess it wasn't as bad because he already had an established routine of seeing the daughter and all so instead of just picking up his daughter he picked up the son too. :look:

By the way, I had two children also. But it really does seem unfair that you walked into the relationship not knowing he had a child and it totally changes things. Especially if you have no children yourself.

So here's a hug!!

HUGZZ!
 
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You've been with him three years. It doesn't sound like he cheated and conceived this child or lied about having a child. He has a child, he stepped up, would you want to be with a man who abandons his child? I don't see this as a deal breaker yet.
 
Hairsnob said:
I've been there. I can tell you it's hard!!I was with my ex for almost a year and he found out he had a 2 yr old son. He had a 3 yr old daughter by this same woman and the woman thought another guy was the father until he got the test done.

Girl, I felt like he had a child while we were together and it was hard to grasp but we got through it and stayed together for 5 yrs. The children were a strain on the relationship (blended families are soooo trying) but we broke up for other reasons.

I guess it wasn't as bad because he already had an established routine of seeing the daughter and all so instead of just picking up his daughter he picked up the son too. :look:

By the way, I had two children also. But it really does seem unfair that you walked into the relationship not knowing he had a child and it totally changes things. Especially if you have no children yourself.

So here's a hug!!

HUGZZ!
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Thank you. I sure did need one.
 
If it's not what you want, you should cut your losses now as obviously the child isn't going anywhere. I'm sure it does hurt but it's not fair to any of you to continue on if this situation makes you unhappy. Yes you could adjust to it but in your heart you know what you really want.
 
Star86 said:
So i've been dating my significant other for close to three years now. 6 months ago, he found out that he has a 5 year old child. I've tried to get used to the situation, but it just really hurts my heart. Whever his child has been with us, I have treated her kindly, and like a member of my family. However, the pain just hurts so badly. I guess the hardest part is that I didn't walk into the situation knowing that he already had a child. I love my boyfriend so much, but i don't know if i can do this. Any advice?
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how did he come to find out? I think the manner in which he found out about this child is why it's hurting you. also, i think your hurting because you have to share your boyfriend with this new child.

i think there is a little more to this story...

who keeps a child away for five years? ne'mind yall. don't answer. i know people who don't find out about other chirren until years n years later. by that time, they're grown!!!

that's why it's important to not keep these kinds of family secrets. hidin chirren in da closet or strowed all across creation. next thing you know, ur datin a guy, then come to find out at da family reunion or aunt letha's 85th birthday party that he's your brother from your daddy's girlfriend while he was in bootcamp back in da day. everybody in da family knew except u... ok i digressed for a minute...
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
how did he come to find out? I think the manner in which he found out about this child is why it's hurting you. also, i think your hurting because you have to share your boyfriend with this new child.

i think there is a little more to this story...

who keeps a child away for five years? ne'mind yall. don't answer. i know people who don't find out about other chirren until years n years later. by that time, they're grown!!!

that's why it's important to not keep these kinds of family secrets. hidin chirren in da closet or strowed all across creation. next thing you know, ur datin a guy, then come to find out at da family reunion or aunt letha's 85th birthday party that he's your brother from your daddy's girlfriend while he was in bootcamp back in da day. everybody in da family knew except u... ok i digressed for a minute...
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He said that the girl hit him up on facebook. The woman had tested like 5 or 6 men prior to hitting up my boyfriend.
 
Star86 said:
He said that the girl hit him up on facebook. The woman had tested like 5 or 6 men prior to hitting up my boyfriend.
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Not trying to be snarky but have you and your BF been tested for STD's? Considering the woman obviously had a lot of unprotected sex with a lot of men including your bf. You know the saying, when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone they slept with and so on and so on.
 
ThickHair said:
Not trying to be snarky but have you and your BF been tested for STD's? Considering the woman obviously had a lot of unprotected sex with a lot of men including your bf. You know the saying, when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone they slept with and so on and so on.
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Yes, we have each been tested. We are STD free.
 
mischka said:
He lied about having a child for over two years?
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He said that the woman mentioned that there was a possibility, but when the woman was giving him the dates, things didn't add up. Plus, the child looks completely Korean, and my boyfriend is brown skinned.
 
Star86 said:
He said that the woman mentioned that there was a possibility, but when the woman was giving him the dates, things didn't add up. Plus, the child looks completely Korean, and my boyfriend is brown skinned.
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Wait a minute. Your boyfriend hasn't had a paternity test yet??

Do that quick and in a hurry if you didn't. Sounds like the mother is just going by the process of elimination. Dates are important but kids can be born early/late so you definitely need that test done as soon as possible.
 
I have a male friend who was contacted on myspace (happened in '05) by a woman he had slept with a few times 6 years prior and lost contact with. Come to find out he had a 5 yr old son he didn't know about. He says the child is a spitting image of him when he was a kid, so he has no doubt the boy is his. He wasn't dating anyone when he found out but I remember thinking, damn, it would be a hard pill to swallow for any woman who could have been dating him then.
Do not be afraid to ask your man to get a DNA test done. Its best for all parties involved.
 
5 or 6 men tested. Dang!

Child was in the world prior to you two dating. I know your knee jerk reaction is to run in the other direction but just give it a moment, see where it goes and think very carefully if this is something YOU want to deal with in the future meaning 2 children and baby momma.

Good luck
 
I think that the situation is one that was not intended for yourself and that's what probably hurt.

It's easier to speak from the outside rather than in the situation itself but my advice would be to stay true to yourself and to pray and ask God for guidance. Personally, I couldn't do it... I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a child. I would be a supportive friend but that's it. However, it boils down to what you are able to handle and your feelings not mine.

Have you asked your parents for advice and insight on the situation?
 
Okay, so you say she definitely is his child.

Do they live in the same city? What's the situation with the mother?

Those questions will make the biggest difference on whether or not you might have babymama drama. You already know that if you choose to stay with him that you will have to do your best to accept the relationship.

I know you're used to having your BF all to yourself but you'll probably have at the very least visitation every other weekend. That's really not all that bad if you think about the fact that you have him to yourself all the other days. Just hope they are able to set respectable rules and stuff regarding their new relationship.

And if the mother is in a relationship or is married (and happy) then you have a better chance of not as much babymama drama.

I would at least try to hang in there if he's a really good guy because he had no clue about it himself. So imagine how stressed he is about it all. But like you said, you didn't know this when you walked in. So if you try to work it out and it doesn't work then I wouldn't feel guilty one bit walking away. It's all in how good it works out with you two.

I'll pray for your strength.
 
LiftedUp said:
I think that the situation is one that was not intended for yourself and that's what probably hurt.

It's easier to speak from the outside rather than in the situation itself but my advice would be to stay true to yourself and to pray and ask God for guidance. Personally, I couldn't do it... I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a child. I would be a supportive friend but that's it. However, it boils down to what you are able to handle and your feelings not mine.

Have you asked your parents for advice and insight on the situation?
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Yea I asked my mom and she said that "she wouldn't be bothered with the mess".
 
The little girl's birthday party is coming up, and i found out that it is at his daughter's home. When i found this out, i told my bf that i feel uncomfortable, as i have never met the little girl's mom, or her family. I feel that it will all just be very awkward. When i told my bf that i feel uncomfortable about going since it will be at her home, he blew up and told me that if i do not want to be in his daighter's life, then fine. In the mean time, I have decided to go to the party, but i am so nervous about going.
 
This is a tough spot, but I do commend your boyfriend for stepping up. Only you can really determine how to handle this situation for yourself. It doesn't seem like there is any reason to be nervous about going to the party it does not sound like they had a deep relationship so I can't imagine she'd be acting a fool. At this point the child's mother is probably more interested in having a father figure for her daughter to share in the rearing of the child and less concerned about who is in his life right now.
 
Hairsnob said:
Okay, so you say she definitely is his child.

Do they live in the same city? What's the situation with the mother?

Those questions will make the biggest difference on whether or not you might have babymama drama. You already know that if you choose to stay with him that you will have to do your best to accept the relationship.

I know you're used to having your BF all to yourself but you'll probably have at the very least visitation every other weekend. That's really not all that bad if you think about the fact that you have him to yourself all the other days. Just hope they are able to set respectable rules and stuff regarding their new relationship.

And if the mother is in a relationship or is married (and happy) then you have a better chance of not as much babymama drama.

I would at least try to hang in there if he's a really good guy because he had no clue about it himself. So imagine how stressed he is about it all. But like you said, you didn't know this when you walked in. So if you try to work it out and it doesn't work then I wouldn't feel guilty one bit walking away. It's all in how good it works out with you two.

I'll pray for your strength.
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His daughter's mother lives 15 minutes away from us, and she is married. The funny thing is, she had asked my boyfriend to give her the boy she always wanted, and wanted to marry my boyfriend 6 months ago, when she asked him to take a paternity test. Tell me why two weeks later, she was married to the father of her third child.
 
Star86 said:
His daughter's mother lives 15 minutes away from us, and she is married. The funny thing is, she had asked my boyfriend to give her the boy she always wanted, and wanted to marry my boyfriend 6 months ago, when she asked him to take a paternity test. Tell me why two weeks later, she was married to the father of her third child.
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This information alone is enough to make me want to run for the hills!!

She's gonna be trouble and that marriage isn't going to last too long. Sounds like she's got some serious issues.

Honestly though, your BF did tell you what she said but hopefully he nipped that in the bud when she came at him with that nonsense.

This is a really hard one. I don't know how old you are but the younger you are the more reason I would have NOT to stay with him. The reason I say that is that the older you get, the more likelihood you have of being with a man that already has a kid.

You have your whole life ahead of you. So take your time and think about your decision and hopefully you'll make the best choice for you and only you.
 
Im just so tired of this whole situation. I kind of want to leave the situation altogether. I just don't want to feel like a bad person for doing so. If I had walked into the situation, things would be different. It just really bothers me that im not the only one who will bear his children.
 
Star86 said:
Im just so tired of this whole situation. I kind of want to leave the situation altogether. I just don't want to feel like a bad person for doing so. If I had walked into the situation, things would be different. It just really bothers me that im not the only one who will bear his children.
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You wouldn't be a bad person for leaving. Honestly, you have to do what's best for you. :bighug: One thing I do know, is you should not stay in a situation where you are unhappy.
 
@Star86,
Ok, first :bighug:! This is a difficult situation no matter what the outcome. It will stick with you from here on out.
Star86 said:
So i've been dating my significant other for close to three years now. 6 months ago, he found out that he has a 5 year old child. I've tried to get used to the situation, but it just really hurts my heart. Whever his child has been with us, I have treated her kindly, and like a member of my family. However, the pain just hurts so badly. I guess the hardest part is that I didn't walk into the situation knowing that he already had a child. I love my boyfriend so much, but i don't know if i can do this. Any advice? Honestly, how would you react if your boyfriend found out that he had a child? Would you stay or would you go?
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That would really depend on if the relationship was of a serious nature or not. Have I determined he is marriage material and so forth based on the other criteria he must meet to be considered for a permanent spot in my life. If the answer is yes, I would let some time pass and go for a few trial runs. How many trifling child abandoning male in men sized bodies do we all know of? Too many. He is showing you something about his character. Something very good. If he didn't abandon his daughter, he will not be so quick to abandon you when life gets tough through the course of your relationship (and it will- it just did though no fault of your own). The ages/ maturity of everyone here are important too. The older and more mature you are the more life you've had to handle. The lines between no, compromise, and yes are much clearer. At a younger age, it all may be too much to deal with. Nothing wrong with that. It is what it is.
Star86 said:
Yea I asked my mom and she said that "she wouldn't be bothered with the mess".
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Ok, what did your dad have to say? If he's not around for input how about uncles, brothers, or other men of various ages who have given wise advice to you before? I think a male perspective would be valuable in this case. JMHO.

Star86 said:
The little girl's birthday party is coming up, and i found out that it is at his daughter's home. When i found this out, i told my bf that i feel uncomfortable, as i have never met the little girl's mom, or her family. I feel that it will all just be very awkward. When i told my bf that i feel uncomfortable about going since it will be at her home, he blew up and told me that if i do not want to be in his daighter's life, then fine. In the mean time, I have decided to go to the party, but i am so nervous about going.
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Whoa Nelly:sad:. I can only imagine the tremendous amount of stress, anxiety, uncertainty (at perhaps losing you) he feels but y'all have got to learn to communicate in a different way. Did you say it in a nasty way or something? Have you ever seen his temper flare up like that before? In what ways has he handled serious stressors before? Regardless as to what you decide, learn from this situation. I know that this is not a popular opinion but with all of the liberty and free choices we exercise come consequences. Sometimes good, sometimes not. Sometimes they show up as broken hearts, cold unable to love anymore untrusting hearts, STDs, and even surprise babies. I pray you will find all of the answers you need.
 
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Star86 said:
His daughter's mother lives 15 minutes away from us, and she is married. The funny thing is, she had asked my boyfriend to give her the boy she always wanted, and wanted to marry my boyfriend 6 months ago, when she asked him to take a paternity test. Tell me why two weeks later, she was married to the father of her third child.
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Cause she appears to be very immature and selfish w/ very little regard as to what it really takes to sustain a healthly marriage or what it means to properly mother a child:rolleyes:. SMH.
 
Star86 said:
His daughter's mother lives 15 minutes away from us, and she is married. The funny thing is, she had asked my boyfriend to give her the boy she always wanted, and wanted to marry my boyfriend 6 months ago, when she asked him to take a paternity test. Tell me why two weeks later, she was married to the father of her third child.
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*rubs temples* wth?
This woman must have a snapdragon between her legs, all kinds of triffling too. I dont know about this one OP. I'm seeing upcoming drama.
 
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