Am I overreacting?

[LiftedUp]

Ditto to all of this.
It is not your place to count his money... Not sure when it will be, but now definitely isn't it. A lunch date sounds great. It isn't the amount of money spent that will dictate how he feels about you... It's what you do, how he treats you on said date.

I would also NOT tell him anything about your being disappointed early on. It's your birthday date-- exhibit happiness, a positive attitude, and some genuine appreciation too! If anything, I would talk about how sweet it is of him to do that, (maybe) how I didn't expect it but am so glad he did because I just loooove it when people treat me for my birthday basically, let him know he did well and that you appreciate thoughtful gestures so that he can be encouraged to do many more down the line.

It's always bad to try to encourage someone by letting them know they missed the mark Better to tell them they did great, and let them be motivated to do even better every time.
Good luck and happy birthday!

I try not to complain. I did call but he didn't answer and when he returned my call I just dropped it.

I dunno I will let it go for now but I will drag on the commitment thing for a while. I really do not just want to have another boyfriend.

He really is a sweet guy, ambitious, forward thinking, encourages me, manly etc. I need to focus on the good things and see where it takes me.

 

[CarLiTa]

It's not about the money. It isn't my place to count his money I know that's why I didn't make it about that. Especially since I'm aware of the fact that we both are studying right now.

However, we are pursuing graduate degrees and we are in our late 20s. I would think that dinner at a mid priced restaurant should've at least be considered. It don't think it's that much to ask.

The other 5% is basically he's not 6 feet, things I can overlook given the right man.

But... You didn't ask...
I would just go and enjoy myself and hope that he tops off our meal with delicious dessert or something. If I am bothered by the lunch vs. dinner situation, I would drop a hint about that jokingly, maybe in my "I just looooove being taken out for my birthday" "...especially for dinner" okay that sounds kinda crazy
While he did come up short, he noticed something was wrong and he tried to fix it... I think he needs some points for that

 

[C@ssandr@]

I try not to complain. I did call but he didn't answer and when he returned my call I just dropped it.

I dunno I will let it go for now but I will drag on the commitment thing for a while. I really do not just want to have another boyfriend.

He really is a sweet guy, ambitious, forward thinking, encourages me, manly etc. I need to focus on the good things and see where it takes me.

This whole set up sounds wayyy too mechanical. 1 month trial period? Commitment thing? It sounds like you want everything in an instant. I'd drop it completely and let the relationship flow. I wouldn't bring up the bday thing, he's not your man. Just make a note of the situation and enjoy the time you
have with him. Genuine relationships take time.

The things you said to him upfront might have led him to believe that he shouldn't move too fast or may even have him walking on eggshells. Take it easy

 

[*CherryPie*]

That "trial period" talk was too much. You can date a person and not sleep with them without verbally saying "this is a trial period...". That would turn me off. Who knows how he feels now.

 

[LiftedUp]

Also I'm not passive agressive. I've realized some years ago that I get very angry. My anger used to be really out of control. So now before tell someone how I really feel which may affect our relationship or that may affect my situation, to cool down on the spot I count backwards but to get past whatever makes me angry I need time for myself to calm down and rationalise the situation without the aggressor around.

My birthday was Sunday so I needed a break from him on Monday or else I would've come across as that angry crazy person.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Also I'm not passive agressive. I've realized some years ago that I get very angry. My anger used to be really out of control. So now before tell someone how I really feel which may affect our relationship or that may affect my situation, to cool down on the spot I count backwards but to get past whatever makes me angry I need time for myself to calm down and rationalise the situation without the aggressor around.

As I said before, I'm glad you worked it out. I was going to let the topic go, but now I feel I need to say this:
@LiftedUp, I really hope you weren't offended by my post. I think that avoiding confrontation is something that most of us struggle with when trying to balance our feelings when expectations aren't met. We women, in particular, tend to hope that the men we care about "get us" without our having to explain ourselves. Unfortunately, it just doesn't usually work that way, especially early on in relationships.

That said, I'm sorry if you don't like the term "passive aggressive," but the bolded below, IMO, fits the definition.

So after being short with him yesterday and today, he calls to find out if I'm alright and if I am angry with him. So I said no, I'm busy and ended the call early. Then he sends me some lovey dovey texts (I'm into texting, he prefers phone calls...).

I'm ready to let this taper off by the end of the week and move on because I really cannot deal with someone who doesn't appreciate me, think I'm special etc.

Being short with him w/o giving an explanation, saying you're not angry when you are, and planning to end the relationship without directly telling him is passive-aggressive stuff.

It's all water under the bridge now (since you two have made up), but I have to ask, what would have been wrong with telling the truth? When he asked if you were angry, you could have told him that "yes, I am angry, but I'm not sure I have the right to be' (which is the truth)." You could have told him that even though you both agreed to this "trial period," you were now realizing that the guidelines for it were a bit vague, and that you had hoped the would have included celebrating your birthday together. I think that expressing your feelings tactfully and directly will help him understand you better, and vice versa if he'll do the same. If you want to get closer to each other, take the direct route.

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting a man get to know who you are, what you want from him, and all the wonderful traits you have to offer him. Then, down the road, if he *knows* what you expect from him, and THEN fails to meet your expectations, only THEN should you assume he's not that into you. But nothing is gained by trying to work out your relationship all by yourself. You two have to help each other make it work.

 

[LiftedUp]

@Pat Mahurr

No I'm not offended. I have a temper and have learned to deal with it before it deals with me. Also I've learned that you cannot take back words. I try not to have discussions when angry. I was ok with speaking to him last night when I had already cooled off and thinking rational.

I do not like to ask people for anything that has to do with money. For me, going off on him for not doing anything for my birthday amounts to asking him to buy be something and take me somewhere. It would irk me if someone does the same. It should be something he offers not I demand. I will never ask anyone unless it's an immediate relative and I'm in dire need for money, to buy be something, to take me somewhere where they have to pay etc. I am also extremely uncomfortable accepting extremely expensive gifts or someone spending a lot of money on me, unless of course it's a family member. So talking to someone about anything involving money unless we're at that point where our finaces and financial decisions will affect each other is a no no for me.

In my past relationships I have jumped into something immediately without really getting to know the person first. Thats why now we both decided that we do not want to begin something that we do not intend to go through with long term. So we are getting to know each other on a romantic level etc. Letting it go now is easier and better than leading him on.

 

[Fine 4s]

Pat Mahurr,

Good probing questions! Love it. Tons of women are passive aggressive until they make the conscious decision to change what we have been socialized and encouraged to do since little girls (then you're only called a *****! yay!). It's very freeing to let someone know the joy, hurt, embarrassment, fear and disappointment etc. you feel.
However, that feeling of empowering someone else with a nugget of truth about you can be scary.

The appearance of being 'strong' and uncaring is what we do best....

 

[LiftedUp]

@Pat Mahurr,

Good probing questions! Love it. Tons of women are passive aggressive until they make the conscious decision to change what we have been socialized and encouraged to do since little girls (then you're only called a *****! yay!). It's very freeing to let someone know the joy, hurt, embarrassment, fear and disappointment etc. you feel.
However, that feeling of empowering someone else with a nugget of truth about you can be scary.

The appearance of being 'strong' and uncaring is what we do best....

I have this fear. I don't want to be the 'crazy black woman' stereotype I guess.

 

[GodsPromises]

I understand wanting to spend time with him for your birthday, but if he didn't realize it and it being early in your relationship I understand where he is coming from also.

Now me on the other hand did go off on "him" for my birthday, to the point a week and a half later I'm still not talking to him and I am ready to walk away. My birthday was on the 15th. He's in NY I'm in DE. He knew I wanted to see him, but he's work schedule changed. I'm ok with that but he never said anything to me. My main problem I didn't even get a phone call telling me Happy Birthday nothing, no card, no phone call NOTHING!!! I received phone calls from exs and not from the guy that claimes he loves me is/was planning on moving down here. I went off on him the next day and the fool didn't even understand why I was upset. I'm done with him

 

[LiftedUp]

I received phone calls from exs and not from the guy that claimes he loves me is/was planning on moving down here.

This is what pisses me off! I mean, the guys who want to go out with me, the exes, the one who won't let go, called me and wanted to make plans! But the one I'm 'seeing' doesn't even see it fit.

I want to let it go because I deserve better.

 

[Fine 4s]

LiftedUp,

I can tell you have this fear. I did/do too and force myself to speak my truth as often as possible!
When you realize that expressing yourself does not mean being taken advantage of or being disrespected you're actually empowered.

IDK how to explain it....

 

[LiftedUp]

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=697539 thread reminded me about this thread!

I let him go after that measly lunch. I had a heart to heart with a mutual friend and she was appalled as I was about his behaviour.

He continued to call me and bbm me but I was pretty short and distant. Then I stopped responding because it became annoying. Then he deleted both my friend and I from facebook and that was that